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Bio Moms, What works?

19 years ago

Bio moms, you know that my husband and I have a bit of a rocky relationship with the children's mother... But I don't want to give up.

What has worked for you in terms of improving your relationship with your former spouse as well as with his new spouse? Currently, we are go from co-existing to bad... my goal isn't even that we become best of friends, but co-existing to good would be so much better!!!

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Comments (7)

kkny
19 years ago
My X was dating his GF while we are married. I will not speak to her. Our daughter will not speak to her. That will never change.
sweeby
19 years ago
Personally, I think an olive branch is more easily extended from BioMom to StepMom rather than the reverse. Essentially, the StepMom has no great personal reason to hate BioMom, but BioMoms often have a bit of a vendetta against "their replacements" -- even if there's no logical reason.

But good for you for attempting it Proserpina, and I hope it works.

The most natural (and noble) reason in the world to want peace and cooperation is for the sake of the children. If the 'two moms' can't talk, then the kids can easily manipulate the parents, withhold information, twist facts and schedules, and in a nutshell, get away with murder.

Aside from your differences, do you think she's basically a good parent? And are your parenting styles at all similar? Can you think of any minor easily-solvable problems you can suggest you two tackle as a team?
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Custody and access are two seperate things. BD has always had joint custody. It's called joint conservators. He has not always had access. He had supervised access. Joint conservatorship basically means we both have exclusive rights and duties to the child. I have two exclusive rights he does not have. The right to designate residence and the right to make educational decisions. We both have the right to seek medical treatment, provide shelter, food and clothing; the right to inform the other conservator of any info concerning health, welfare and education. We both have the right to religious guidance. He has a duty I do not have and that is to provide child support payments in X amount per month. As far as access it's about 60/40 now. It's called expanded standard possession. He has set weekends and days of the week, we split spring break, christmas and thanksgiving. He has superior rights to designate his access during the summer. My access is all other times not outlined as his possession time. Sole custody is extremely hard to get. Even with all of the mess we have been through, bd has always been a joint conservator he just had limited Access for a while. If I had sole custody I would not have to tell him anything about health, school etc. He would not be able to confer with the school. Even with limited access he still had a right to speak to teachers or to get medical records. With expanded standard possession during the school year, on a month with 30 days, Bd has 12 days, I have 18 days. During the summer he averages about 40 total days and I average about 46 give or take a few during a summer break of about 88 days. That almost 50:50 during the summer. Does that make sense?
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I completely understand your jealousy with bm now being involved and the kids acting like bm was never gone. My skids bm has been in and out of their lives for years and each time she called or saw them they acted like she was so wonderful and was mom of the year. Nevermind that it would be months till the next call....or that her boyfriend would be drunk the whole time the kids were there...or that bm would just sit them in front of the tv all day and the kids heard "noises" coming from bm's room during the day when the door was closed (afternoon quickie perhaps??). Anyways it would upset me so much down deep to hear them say anything good about her because all I could think about was the bad!! And how much time and energy I was putting forth to do the motherly things she did not do. It just about killed me for her to get any credit! There is no easy was to deal with those feelings. You just have to let them go somehow. Realize that the kids love you both. And she gets it easier because she is the bm....she has their unconditional love. And they will put the absent parent on a pedestal and hang on every good thing that parent does. But when they are grown they will have so many more memories with you and remember all the things you did for them. When they have their own kids they will remember talks you had with them and things you did. As for her babying them, well you can't change it. Just keep on with your normal routines at home and they will soon see that they can do XYZ at their moms house and they have to do XYZ when they are at home. But look at the bright side. They are getting to see their sober mom and have a relationship with her, which is better for them in the long run that having her absent and them blaming themselves for it. And if she spends the whole day playing with them be greatful....she could be spending the whole day sleeping and letting them do god knows what! OR she could be having boyfriends over all day.
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I'm not an expert. That said, my first reaction would be "don't give up whatever current rights you have" -- which is not necessarily the same as "don't let your SD live with her BM". If you're in relatively the same geographical area, on relatively good terms with the BM, if the BM isn't sneaky or underhanded (eg abduction, lawsuit behind your back), and if as you say there's no physical/emotional risk (as far as that sort of thing is foreseeable) then I'd say work out a temporary long-term agreement on your own. Say, half the school year, 3 to 4 months, maybe a little longer -- long enough for the rosy glow to wear off. Talk to the biomom seriously about the realities of what's needed to make that happen. School districts, allergies, missing friends, that sort of thing -- just to be sure she understands. You said that she's already had kids living with her, so I guess that's not a worry. After the trial period is up, everyone could review and see if the experiment failed, if it succeeded, or if things need to be modified. Watch out for the SD pulling people's strings. Soap box: Children are people too, and thus tend to learn personal-type things the hard way. :) Right now, your SD has (at least) 2 possible homes. The best home would have the highest percentage of "good for her subjectively (makes her happy)" along with highest percentage "good for her objectively (physical safety, no emotional abuse, teaching how to get along in life, monetary support, dah-doo-run-run)". I think if you give her a blanket 'no' she's not going to be a very pleasant person to live with. If it's safe for her to learn the percentage lesson herself the hard way, then I say let her learn the hard way. And maybe the hard way is the best way. Even for the BM. You never know. That being said, before I met her my wife allowed her daughter to return to live with her BD -- and it will prob require additional expensive lawsuits and the cooperation of a child who's being threatened and thus unreliable in court to ever regain custody. Possibly even to reinstate visitation. And this is compounded by the fact that custody was *voluntarily* given up.
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dirt_yfingernails
19 years ago
Hey, I tried for years, but ex and his girlfiend (that's right, girlFIEND!) have done nothing but stab my kids and me in the back for over 14 years. Now that the kids are grown, they and I have nothing to do with them. It didn't have to be this way, but he is a psychopathic creep.
proserpina
Original Author
19 years ago
KKNY, can see why there would be resentment there. Our "history" is very different. I don't think the children are actually aware of the real reasons why their parents divorced in the first place and they love both me as well as their step-dad (neither one of us the cause of the divorce); needless to say, us step-parents love the children to pieces.

DIRT_YFINGERNAILS, we have a more "amicable" situation. Their father is very involved in the children's life and both he and I do all we can to make things easier.

SWEEBY, the children's mother and I have somewhat different parenting styles. But she is a good parent; she loves her children a whole lot, that's for sure... and whether I agree or disagree with how she does things, I don't really feel it's my place to say (I for sure don't appreciate it when I have people "comment" on my parenting style, if you know what I mean :o) ).
KKNY on a separate occasion was instrumental in helping understand how much "space" a bio-mom needs in order not to feel threatened. In the last communication I had with her (the children's mother), it was clear to me that she really does feel as if she loses all control when the children are here and that I am, in a sense, replacing her (or wanting to do so). So I backed off, stay in the background when she is around and it comes to her children, and let her do her thing. Still, I think that it's silly that when communicating things to me she consciously tries NOT to make eye-contact...
However, I have to say that, since I have made a couple of changes and make sure to be the first one to say hello and goodbye to her and her partner, she is now able to say hello, even when the children aren't around (her partner is friendly when she isn't around, oddly enough).

I don't know. I was hoping there were some bio-moms out there that could tell me something like, "I really appreciated it when the step-mom did...." whatever it was....

:o)
Ashley
19 years ago
I'm not in your situation, and never have been, but I'm going to suggest something anyway...

With Mother's Day coming up, I suggest you send her a nice card and a heartfelt letter letting her know that you really do think she is a caring, loving mother. Let her know that you think things could be better between the 2 of you and you think it would be great for the kids if you could mend those fences.
theotherside
19 years ago
1) Don't interfere with visitation.
2) Don't interrupt telephone conversations about the children between the mother and the father.
3) Don't get involved with a married man in the first place. Women in affair-based marriages should not be surprised when the first wives are not fond of them.
kkny
19 years ago
I dont feel threatened by my Xs GF. I dont have friends who have affairs with married men. I dont hold up people who do so as examples to my child. She made her choices, as did my X. To put it bluntly, they made their bed, now they can lie in it.

I doubt it bothers her that my child wont go anywhere she is, or that my former in-laws say I will always be their daughter in law, and wont take down my pictures, other than xs GF may be concerned that at some point x may be discouraged at his decreasing family contact. If she had been concerned at all about my child, she never would have had affair. I am divorced now. I would never date a man who was not divorced and moved out, and for a while. Especially one with children, even adult children. I am not perfect and I have made mistakes in my life, but dating a married man is extreme.

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