prosperina, I would love to be able to give you a magical cure,however if the bio mom has a chip on her shoulders there maybe nothing you can do to make things better. As women we always want to fix everything and make it all better. I have heard of bio mom's and the new wife who get along super, but, only a few. I really feel that many bio mom are jealous and do not want their kids to get to close to step mom. Some bio mom truely want their ex back and have realized the mistakes they made by leaving their ex. When they can not have him back they are miserable and want everyone else to be miserable. I have been through a situation for 6 years where the ex has done everything possible to make my life as a step mom stressful. Bio mom use every tactic possible, used the children as a weapon, attempted to get back with my DH, used relatives to cause pain. The list goes on and on. I was strong and talked alot with friends and family. I hung in there and only did nice things to bio mom and step kids. The kids are now adults(still cause problems once in awhile) but I feel proud of myself for doing the right things and not going to bio moms level. All I can say if you plan to stay in this relation be prepared to endure many stressful situations and events. Just try to be a good person and continue to treat others as you would like to be treated. Rise above and continue to love all in your life. Best of luck.

Than you sunnygardenerme-

I guess you're right, you really can't change another person's behavior, but just keep on working on your own. The work I have put into this family, the work that we daily put into it (and of course, sometimes not), what we have accomplished mostly, is something I go very proud of.... So maybe, I'll stick with that, enjoying my family and all that goes along with it (some of it not so enjoyable every so often, but that comes with the territory). Thank you for your words.

You will not understand until you have a child of your own. And when you have to take your beloved child, and hand your child to another woman who will also be "mom", who will have a big say in your childs life...then you will get it. You will have no say over who this woman will be, and what kind of influences she will have on your child. She will be competing with you to make your child love her more. Your beautiful child will be comparing the two of you, on the good days and the bad. Every parent makes mistakes. She will, and so will you, especially as the children get older.

But until you have a child of your own, and have to hand that beautiful, beloved child into the arms of their second "mom", you cannot possibly "get it". But if you do have a baby...envision it...and you will finally "get it".

And last, have you ever had an important relationship with a man that ended, leaving you in great pain? Now imagine his perky new girlfriend wanting to be your new "friend". Perhaps they bought a great new house near you and you keep having to see "them together". Yes, you may have a boyfriend, or a husband...but it is "that" guy who owns your heart. Now imagine that you have to send your baby into his perky new girlfriends arms to "mother". If she wants, she can dress your daughter differently, parent differently, etc. She can say yes, to everything you say no to. She can talk badly about you to your children, or in front of your children.

Understanding another is having the ability to see and feel things from their perspective. All the books in the world mean nothing unless you can grasp her feelings in this. Continue to do the right thing, and be kind and patient with her. Right now I imagine that you are very threatening to her, as another woman would be to you if you had to hand your beautiful child to the perky new girlfriend of your ex, who will compete with you in every way to make them like her more.

Can you see from her perspective? Can you feel her vulnerability and pain?

P. from the previous comment, if I were you, I would take the advice that you should have empathy for the children's mother. I would also not get caught dead in the comparison trap; if she has fallen into it, that's her issue, but don't even go there, you are comparing her best to your worst, and this goes with any kind of comparison. Seriously toss everything else! That comment has touched a couple of nerves I thought could never be ignited again.

You don't have to be a biological parent to understand or accept detrimental behavior. BIOLOGY DOES NOT CREATE UNDERSTANDING. Bad behavior is bad behavior, no matter what the origins are. Being a former spouse, a bio-mom and a step-mom myself, I couldn't disagree more with what was just told to you. How you feel, how you behave with a stranger that is about to take care of your children is absolutely a subjective matter, probably based more on your own personal family history, your own self esteem, and absolutely not on biology.

It sounds like you are just trying your best to make all good. Women tend to want to improve things, fix things, make everything alright. Sometimes, I am afraid, you just can't. Feel empathy for that woman, accept her for who she is (and not for what she does) if you are able to. But other than that, try and let her deamon stay her own; do what you do, walk away.

In my step-family groups, I would sit and hear stories of women getting away with despicable behavior, all in the name of their biological connection (heralded in front of the step-parents of course). I think it's time that us biological mothers step up to the plate and show some nobility, especially when children like your steps seem to be blessed with a step-mother who loves them, who cares for them.

The biggest turning point for me was when I realized that the children would behave with me in one way and with their step-mother in another way. That's when I realized that something had to be done, that the gap we had been forming needed to be bridged. I can't say that we talk on a regular basis now, nor that I agree with much of what she says, but when something throws me off, I keep in mind that she loves my children and my children love her. Sure, it bothered me when I first heard them call her Mom too, but in the big picture, is that what really matters? No, that's just my pride that is hurt (I thought I was the only one to be able to hold that title from the day they were born). The children have improved in so many ways since she and I had our pow wow, and some times we need refreshers just to make sure we're still on the same page. But that kind of talk needs to come from her I am afraid. It sounds like she is not open to you right now, so you just have to sit tight and wait.

The advice I give you is this, if her behavior really gets out of hand, I would have your husband talk to her. After all, she is undermining the children's stability. It sounds like they care for you but sometimes feel confused about allegiances and act up. If his conversation with her doesn't work, possibly seek counseling or a group therapy environment where you can air out your grievances. She is unlikely to accept that option it sounds like, but if he brings up change in the children's behavior and that there seems to be something wrong with them, I doubt she won't want to seek a solution for the good of her children.

I don't know if you have any religious or spiritual beliefs, but praying has always helped me... and I'm not talking about those, "Oh God, help me..." I'm talking about serious meditation, journaling if writing is your thing... One of my mentor moms told me once, "My step-wife kept me on my knees for many years, but now my children thank me... all of them!" I took that advice to heart... and of course, if you find a group of step-parents, or even just of parents, you may find your biggest allies.

Online, it's a crap shoot if you ask me. Looking someone in the eye is always better.

Best of luck, hold onto your family, and I look forward to hearing good updates (I know it will get easier with time. Remember, it's not time that changes things, it's what people do during that time. If she doesn't come around, I am sure you're going to be able to become strong and take it like a mama!).

Alldogslover, God bless you! Your message was straight and to the point. I wish i had a good relationship with my stepkids biomom. But it cannot be done. She has so much hate for her ex, she is constantly in competition and who is right and wrong. She takes everythign personal. Plus she involves her kids. Its unfortunate but reality. I've washed my hands of her and when the kids come EOW i focus on my relationship with them. Activities and just family closeness. All i hear of their biomom is how her activities have also now destroyed her relationship with her parents and her sister. I feel bad for the kids.
They didnt' have thanksgiving this year. It was our weekend to have them. Monday they usually come for thanksgiving to their aunt. But she wouldnt' allow it. Can you believe it??? Plus usually christmas they spend at her sisters house, now its not goign to happen. She is just so miserable and jealous. If she can just let go of all that. I feel sorry for her for the most part.
And i agree with you, you dont have to be biologically connected to understand love pain and jealousy. i am a biomom and a stepmom and was a stepchild. I've seen all fences, good and bad. Sometimes, you just have to let people be and do you own thing.
Proserpina, this is exactly my husbands exwife. Exactly! but her tactics have now turned on her. Her kids are starting to question and dislike what she is doing. WHy? Because i just kept doing waht i did with them. Taking care of them. Plus their father was always having open communication with them. constant communication on their feelings etc.l.ec...very important. If the kids are acting out of line, its up to their dad to set them in line. not you. Do not act out on the kids. Its their mother. Step back, let their father keep a strong hold on his kids and let him tell his exwife to backoff completely! we've explained to our kids since their mother is not nice we want nothign to do with her. They understand. And the oldest caught her mother at a two faced situation. her mother was telling her last month that you should always treat a person with respect and be kind even if you dont like them. Her daughter told her then why are you so mean to maria and daddy? they are nice andyou always talk bad about them. This woman with all her hate is digging a ditch. And trust me, i know from experience as a stepkid, that we grow up, we will finally know who the BS came from.
Keep strong. Head up. concentrate on your family with your stepkids and your hubby. Stop trying with biomom.Youve done your best. Wash your hands.

Your line "from experience as a stepkid" brings me comfort -- I have the worst bio mom ever. She took her daughter out of 12th grade and moved her 2 hours away from her father (and me, but pre-marriage). She left behind her 13 year old son -- who lives with my husband and me full-time. She is a nightmare -- she lies, manipulates, undermines my husband's parenting and does all she can to make life difficult. She is very unstable (4 houses in the last 5 years) and even though I have taken full time responsibility for her son because SHE left him....she likes to remind me that since "you don't have kids of your own....." whatever....I don't know, don't understand, am jealous of what her kids get, etc...... I know she suffers from personality disorders and is irrational, but it still makes it very diffuclt -- especially when I see how she is destroying her own daughter (who lives with us this summer between years 1-2 of college). My stepdaughter lied to us, stole my stuff -- including jewely, shoes, clothes, toiletries....and even on her last night....household things of sentimental value....despite lying about having them and crying and promising she would stop. Now she has shut us out again and run to her mother's arms where she is not accountable for anything she does (her mother even lied for her this summer to cover her lie!). She undermines my husband's parenting and makes him out to be horrible and cheap and not caring about his daughter, when all he wants to do is get her to start being accountable for her own very expensive choice of college. I could go on and on, but won't. I just hang on to the hope that someday justice will prevail and the kids will understand what hell their mother has put them and us through.....in the meantime...some days are pretty tough to get through!!!!! Advice?!

My BF's kids' BM started to bad-mouthing me to the kids right after we moved in together. It lasted about 3 weeks (the kids come on the weekends). The two oldest (5yo girl and 3yo boy) would tell me that I'm ugly and stupid b/c that's what mommy said. Each time I would tell them do not say such things to people, it is not nice to say such things, but that I'm sure your mommy is still a very nice person. THEN I would go to BF privately and rant like a loon! I mean, what kind of woman plays games like that with her kids? I, for one, am a smidge too old to be saying such things to a 5 and 3yo.
(Ironically, her plan kind of backfired. The last time the 5yo bought up the topic she said, "My mommy said you are ugly and stupid, but I don't think so, I think you're pretty." That made my day completely. I told her I think she's very pretty (her eyes totally lit up!) and that her mom was pretty and nice also. I think the fact that I kept the convo positive helped her to really open up and feel comfortable:)
So now, when they come over they tell me they love their mommy and their daddy. I always say good! You are supposed to love them. Everytime I say that, they grin, tell me thank you (they are so polite!!), and they seem to relax. (like they were holding their breath waiting for my answer). I personally think BM realizes that I'm not out to replace her at all (not ready to have kids for a few years, only 24yo) and that there's no danger of me talking crap about her to the kids. It's still relatively early to tell, but the issues that BF previously had with BM seems to have almost diminished. I've never seen or spoken to her, but I know the kids go back and tell their mom about me. But as long as the immature behavior doesn't continue I think we'll be okay (fingers crossed!)
P.S.- I love this forum! Keep the posts coming!!

Bbicebkind, I read your post both as a SM and a BM, and my first thought was why should the SM have all the empathy for the BM? Yes, I completely get how difficult the situation is. I get how painful it is for a BM. But why, conversley, can the BM have not consider the SM's perspective? Can you feel her pain? She is coming in as second best, sometimes welcomed, often not, trying to fit in and do the right thing. The assumption you make that all SM's are coming in to take over and compete for #1 status is completely unfair, and likely the biggest issue between mothers. BM's hold that spot from birth, and unless they demonstrate to their kids they don't deserve it, they will always hold it.

"She can say yes, to everything you say no to. She can talk badly about you to your children, or in front of your children." In my experience, BM's can (and do) do these same things as well. And these behaviors from a BM are, again in my experience, what takes them out of "first place."

I think it's a woman thing. My DH and I cannot stand my ss's mom or her sleezy boyfriend, but DH never seems to engage in any kind of slander about the BM's boyfriend and the SS never comes home with negative attitudes about BM's boyfriend. I think b/c they're men, they kind of disengage. It helps that SS really thinks of his mom like a babysitter. If he sees his mom more than once a week he says he'd rather stay with us instead.

We can't stand them, but our new tactic is one of damage control only. Legally, she's allowed to see him (whether she does or not is a different matter). Since the paperwork says she can have him, we take him over and pick him up. He's not being abused over there - although he is occasionally confused by the crazy crap his mom tells him. So first thing when he gets back we have a very upbeat conversation with him (he's only 6) about his week-end. (Hey buddy. We missed you this week-end, glad you're home. What did you play? Where did you go? Watch any movies, etc). We're usually just trying to ferret out what stupid things his mom told him so that we can work damage control on anything really harmful. We don't try to engage in conversations with her about what we think she should be doing or ways she can have a better relationship with him. She doesn't listen. She's totally irrational and selfish. If we talk to her about him, she spins the conversation to being all about her. She's incapable of thinking about his best interest. So there too, I think biology has little to do with it. She's his bio-mom and could care less about what's actually good for him. She's not having pangs of a hurting BM when he's with us but pangs of a jealous harpie who wishes she lived a life as good as ours.

So when it boils down to it, the BM's who make life hell are essentially jealous, insecure and unable to think about what is truly best for their kids. There was an earlier post about the SM putting herself in the place of the BM, but I think really that the BM needs to grow up and put herself in the place of her kids. Kids are much more sensitive and observant of family relationships than we give them credit for. They know pefectly well when the BM wants to strangle the SM and vice versa. A mature mom who was able to see the best interests of her kids would "zip it" and acknowledge the SM as someone who's not going away. The old addage, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" would benefit many BM's. I think a lot of BM's fear that the SM's will "out-mother" the BM's (being the "fun" one, saying yes when the BM would say no, etc.) Here's news - if the BM and the SM act like grown ups and talk about the best way to raise the kids, no one has to worry about anyone "out mothering" the other. Kids won't get confused about who the "real" mom is and will more than likely respect a BM who is able to overcome her own insecurity and jealousy to form a healthy family for her kids.

For the record, I have no fear of Xs GF, even if she were to become SM, of outmothering me. I do have no respect for a woman who would carry on with a married am and I do fear she will walk off with every penny, if I dont pay attention. This has happened to people. So yes, I make certain DD gets everything agreeed to and more.

to be honest, I think it comes down to a great deal of jealousy for the most part... especially when things are working out good in your own relationships... My SKs BM brags about how good she and her bf's ex wife get along... but, she doesnt have the first nice thing to say about me or too me. She wont talk to me and complains about just about everything I do ... from the clothes I wear to doing things for her children... whatever... if she wants to be miserable ... let her.