I'm not an expert.

That said, my first reaction would be "don't give up whatever current rights you have" -- which is not necessarily the same as "don't let your SD live with her BM". If you're in relatively the same geographical area, on relatively good terms with the BM, if the BM isn't sneaky or underhanded (eg abduction, lawsuit behind your back), and if as you say there's no physical/emotional risk (as far as that sort of thing is foreseeable) then I'd say work out a temporary long-term agreement on your own. Say, half the school year, 3 to 4 months, maybe a little longer -- long enough for the rosy glow to wear off. Talk to the biomom seriously about the realities of what's needed to make that happen. School districts, allergies, missing friends, that sort of thing -- just to be sure she understands. You said that she's already had kids living with her, so I guess that's not a worry. After the trial period is up, everyone could review and see if the experiment failed, if it succeeded, or if things need to be modified. Watch out for the SD pulling people's strings.

Soap box: Children are people too, and thus tend to learn personal-type things the hard way. :) Right now, your SD has (at least) 2 possible homes. The best home would have the highest percentage of "good for her subjectively (makes her happy)" along with highest percentage "good for her objectively (physical safety, no emotional abuse, teaching how to get along in life, monetary support, dah-doo-run-run)". I think if you give her a blanket 'no' she's not going to be a very pleasant person to live with. If it's safe for her to learn the percentage lesson herself the hard way, then I say let her learn the hard way.

And maybe the hard way is the best way. Even for the BM. You never know.

That being said, before I met her my wife allowed her daughter to return to live with her BD -- and it will prob require additional expensive lawsuits and the cooperation of a child who's being threatened and thus unreliable in court to ever regain custody. Possibly even to reinstate visitation. And this is compounded by the fact that custody was *voluntarily* given up.

If the biomom takes it to court, the judge may just ask the child where she wants to go. Here in Arkansas, they get a choice after they turn 14.

BM lives about 150 miles away so the temp situation is harder as far as school goes. If she does move it would be joint custody only, and it would go through the court, but it wouldn't have to go in front of a judge. Everything would be clearly stated. BM knows that if she tries to take it to court that she would loose as she did the first time so she is hoping that we will allow SD to move. Her history is not a good one as far as the family court goes (behind in c/s, behind in medical payments, doesn't always excersizes her visitation, unless she doesn't have plans, lets the kids decide if they go or not)I have logs of all of this stuff just incase she thinks she can just take him back to court. Here in Ohio they get to talk to the judge, but the judge has the final say as to where they live, it is never up to the child as to where they want to live.

It's hard to say what will happen. The courts really aren't going to care if the BM has bad credit and that she's behind in medical payments and stuff. There are many parents who are behind on child support and other things and still get custody of their kids if they go to court and fight it. I'm sure the children's thoughts and opinions influence the judges choice and well if it turns out that she wants to be closer to her mother and her mother wants to be closer to her, who's going to say no to that? I realize all states are different but I just found out that my BIL's ex-wife just lost her oldest daughter, 14, to her father. The father was supposely a dead beat dad who never paid child support or called or anything... but he still was able to get custody of the girl.

Maybe I'm wrong but why fight something that a child wants, especially something like this? It's like denying her the chance to be closer to her mother and step family. Let her go live with her mother and see how things go. If she comes back in a few months or year, she comes back. Yes she will have to change schools and all that fun stuff but I did the same thing when I was a little older than your step daughter and it didn't hurt me. I spent time with my dad, realized I wasn't happy and went home about a year later. I managed to become a better person from my experiences and happier with myself and life with my mother, plus got to spend more quality time with my father. It didn't hurt a thing. Just be careful with starting a huge fight...it may bite you in the butt later. I agree with the poster who said if you say no and don't give it a chance, your SD may not be very fun to live with...

Last time we talked to my SD about moving she wasn't sure she wants to now. She has made comments that she will have to "babysit" her mom. We are probably going to go with her decision on this. We have also made it very clear that once she leaves she will be able to move back depending on the situation as to why she wants to move back. I completely agree that if we ignore what she wants to do it will be very difficult for everyone involved. We are just very concerned that her mom isn't a good role model. It goes beyond the back child support, it has more to do with the fact that she doesn't have a clue, doesn't follow through with anything, is unreliable (and kids need parent to follow through with what they say they are going to, when they say they are going to). At this point it is a wait and see what is going to happen. In some ways (and I don't want to see BM fail) SD will really get to see what it is like on a day to day basis. Right now she is very demanding and I truly don't beleive that BM is prepared for this, but what ever happens happens and she might surprise us. I think that a teen girl needs to be with her mom, and I also know that I can't be her mom, as hard as I try there is always a need for BM's no matter how bad they are.

Spazkatt,
You're right to a point about bio parents. They helped create you and without them, you wouldn't be here, so there is a bond there. However, teens and young adults usually realize who was there for them as a parent and who really was not. Don't give up and think you aren't just as important in your SD's life. It may take time and years but something will happen and she'll realize who's been a better mother figure in her life and she'll appreciate you for being there all these years. This is a tough time in her life and well frankly, she probably would not get along great with her BM either because of her age. Good luck with your future. Seems you have a good outlook on it all and you're not just out to control and one-up the BM like some step parents or biological parents try to do.

~Leslie~

Thank you Leslie,

I am not going to give up on anything, if she stays or moves she will know that I will be there for her when she needs me. My half sister had a mean SM that you typically hear about, and I vowed when I entered the lives of these kids I wasn't going to be like that. I know that divorce is hard on kids, and having their mom live so far doesn't make it easy either. I also know that teenagers don't really like anyone that is older and tells them what to do (as they know everything already)so I don't take that personally, so as long as she knows that she can come to me if she needs to I think is important at this point. Someday she might look back on how important I was in her life, and that would be great, but at this point my main focus is doing what is best for her.

You sounds like a very sweet stepmom spazkatt. Good luck!

Just an update: SD is not going to move, this was her choice. She doesn't like the way her mom lives her life and won't believe her promises until something actually changes, we are probably going to revisit this next year, but as of right now she is staying home.

My SD never pays Child Support (his previous love children) for he has no job.