Well, she didn't get to play right? Minor issue. Talk about it with DH, but I wouldn't get worked up over it.

Ok she did not play the game. But she sat there and watched as her dad played. I see it as pretty much the same thing.

Not wrong, something fun. Err, typing too damn fast.

watching can also be fun. My stepdaughter loves to watch others play video games. She'd rather be playing but she is also happy to watch. I see very little difference between watching and playing video games when the child doesn't get the benefit of the consequence. It's not quite the same as say, watching someone ride their bike vs. them riding their bike. I think it depends on the kid because some kids could see the consequence if they really hate watching and just want to play versus a kid that is content to do either. The point of the consequence is to get them to modify their behavior and if it's no big deal and they don't mind watching dad play instead of playing it themselves, then they really aren't thinking of it as a consequence and they are not likely to change the behavior.

and with the ice cream scenario, if I couldn't eat it (and I can't for medical reasons), it doesn't bother me to see others eating it, even though I used to love ice cream. Or if you are saying that as a consequence, one kid is excluded from ice cream and everyone else gets it and eats it in front of them, I think that could be seen as an effective 'punishment' (because it can get their attention) or it might even be seen as cruel (they may feel they are being taunted). Once again, it depends on the kid and what works best is to figure out what they value best. If they don't value it, it is meaningless to take it away as a consequence. (I think taking away video privileges was a good consequence in this situation but that effort was undermined by dad letting her watch, since she was content to do so)

He made you explain yourself in front of her, & then he not only sabotaged your discipline, he did it in front of you so his daughter knows your word is worth nothing.

It was a slap in your face.

Do not ever make her get ready for school, or anything else, again.

She sits in her pjs & plays on the computer, let Dad get her to school.

My dh is gone before we get up in the morning. So it is on me to get her ready for school. And as others pointed out watching the videogame is just as fun as playing it was!

I told dh how upset I was last night. He apologized and said he did not see my point at the time. I also told him that if he questions me like that in front of dd again he will need to hire a babysitter to come take care of her when he is not here because if she does not listen to me an respect me because of him then I will not be in charge of her.

I think he gets my point now.

I'm glad to hear it's somewhat resolved!
Now you just have to hold him to it (so I wish you luck)

Ugggh, I'm having flashbacks of the beginning of my marriage!!! I've never understood why someone would critize you when you're doing them a favor... I'm glad you resolved it because I was going to suggest that you go on strike!!!!

and you can also consider taking her to school in her pj's.

When I was a kid, my parents got so frustrated with me because I procrastinated and was never ready on time. My dad grabbed an outfit and me. I had to put the clothes on in the car and wore my pajamas under my clothes. Of course this was before seat belt laws, but I don't think I was ever late getting ready again. With my kids (and stepdaughter), if they are goofing off and not ready on time, they go 'as is'. They can brush their hair or teeth after school if they don't get to it in the morning.

My husband and I came up with a chore list for my SS. He gets paid on Sundays. For each chore he failed to complete, he losses 25 cents. He only gets $5.00 a week. The first week we started this chore list, he failed to do one thing. It was his bedtime and he wanted to do his chore. We said no and he was going to get paid $4.75. He was so upset, he wanted $5.00 or nothing. DH and I talked and agreed he would still get the $4.75 and it would be a lessoned learned. When I was out of the room, my husband told my SS he could do the chore the next day and he would give him the $5.00. I was upset. i thought this was a good learning experience for my SS. My husband didn't like seeing his son upset so he gave in and made me look like the bad guy because I wanted to stick with the original plan. That was awhile ago. We tried another chore list strategy since then, but it didn't work so we went back to a check list strategy. When we started this one back up again, I reminded both my DH and SS that if the chores are not completed by 9:00 Sunday, he is docked the money...no exceptions. Hopefully this will work out. It probably bothers me more because my SS wanted the chore list and it would not have been implemented except for me so I think I should have a say.

Off my little rant....I'm glad you were able to talk to your dh. There's nothing worse than being questioned in front of the kids. My dh is still learning that point. My dh and his ex argued about everything in front of his and her kids. Mine dh is a little slow so when I say we will talk later, it means away from his son. He wants to talk now, not catching my hint. I've had to explain to my dh in front of his son why I said we would talk later because his son is catching on , but thinks it is something he is doing wrong so I have to correct that thought. My dh is getting better, but it is a struggle sometimes. I guess old habits are hard to break.

As for being ready for school- I like the idea of her going as is if she isn't ready. Like Lonepiper, I would have suggested a mini strike if it wasn't resolved. I did a mini strike once and it worked wonderfully. My dh and my SS got the picture clearly.

Ima-- lol, I actually wish my parents had done that with me ---early training tends to stick!--- b/c even as an adult I tend to always run about ten minutes late to everything, and it's usually b/c I can't decide what to wear.

"and you can also consider taking her to school in her pj's. "

My bestfriend did this with her son: if he was not ready she would just take him to school with no school bag. No supplies, no books, not pencils, nothing. after two times he was never late again.

I have to admit that I'd draw the line there - threatening public humiliation is one thing (LOL!) but actually doing it is an entirely different matter!!! I would find out what the hold-up was, let's say the child was too busy straightening their hair until it was stick-straight and didn't care that she was making everyone else late, I would then take the straightener away for a specified timeframe.

With respect to the "giving in." My issue was ALWAYS with their father - that's when I'd resort to public humiliation!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!

Sandieanne, I laughed at the money part of your post because it reminded me of when I was a kid and my dad would dock my $5 weekly allowance. If I said a bad word, which was rare, or didn't do a chore, I lost a buck per instance. And the worst part about it was if I got caught saying one bad word for the week, he would still give me the $5, but in ones - then I would have to put $1 back in his hand. A painful lesson! LOL!! I balance my checkbook daily online to the cent, and if it's a couple cents are off I'm looking for my pennies, LOL.

If 'threatening' public humiliation doesn't work and you don't follow through with actually doing it, then your next 'threat' is meaningless. (never threaten a consequence you are not willing to follow through with) Besides, in your own scenario with the hair straightener, it would still be 'public humiliation' to the child that valued her 'stick straight hair' style and had to go to school with frizzies or wavy hair. It's not so much different than pj's. Both can be very embarrassing.

"There's nothing worse than being questioned in front of the kids."

Funny - I don't see it that way if Hubby asks what the punishment was for. I mean, that's a fair question, isn't it? Plus, it gives you a chance to explain the misbehavior, the expected behavior, and the reasonable consequence. No need to "defend" a perfectly reasonable consequence, and in a perfect world, DD gets the additional 'shame' of having Daddy find out all about her misbehavior and reinforce your decision.

Now of course, if Hubby then tries to "reason" with you in front of DD to reduce the punishment -- now THAT's an actionable offense, and your "Then get a babysitter" approach would be totally appropriate.

And taking a kid to school in PJs is definitely a "one-time-cures-all" solution! And that one time may even work for more than one kid.

Sweeby, that's true if he's innocently asking what the punishment was and why. But if it's in his intonation that he is annoyed that stepmom is punishing or if he asks in a way that puts stepmom on the defense (again by his tone of voice), then it can fuel the child's idea that daddy is on her side. It can be quite effective to tell your husband when he gets home (in front of the child) that this is what happened and this is how I handled it. But you can't always predict how they will react. I usually give my husband a call when I do something or when something happens that needs his input or cooperation.

Thing is, though, that there are always going to be disagreements between people. The point shouldn't be to pretend in front of the child that 'mommy & daddy (or 'mommy & stepdaddy', whatever) NEVER disagree' but to take the disagreement as an opportunity to demonstrate that WHEN people disagree, solutions can most often be found that resolve it. There's probably at least as much damage/confusion caused (to a child AND to his/her parents' relationship) when the 'adults' always insist on being right, or always insist on being on the same page (which no two people ever are 100% of the time). It's just not a healthy, realsitic way to approach disagreements. In the real world, people are wrong all the time, there are disagreements all the time, some of which are inherently impossible to reach agreement on. People try to figure out the best ways of doing things, as they go along. That's what life is, learning from trial & error how to do things. So I don't think disagreement should be feared. It just needs to be handled better.

That said, if there's actual rudeness involved in the WAY the other parent is being disagreed with, that's just rude and better ways should be found to express a difefrence of opinion.

I'm agree with ima- if dh asks innocently there wouldn't be a problem, but to outright question as to judge my decision is unacceptable. Since my SS has seen disagreements handled so badly by watching my husband and his ex, I have no problem letting him see us handle problems in a more constructive manner when it is appropriate, but I don't think it should be a regular event. My SS has a lot going on in his head as it is and likes to read into things and will take on problems he shouldn't be taking on. Plus, if I say something and my dh agrees, my SS always says that my dh is giving in to me so I prefer to make decisions outside of his hearing- at least on the big stuff. It doesn't matter that my dh does have the ultimate say, his son will always feel it was me being the bad guy.

Plus, my dh and I discuss everything, even the small things. Since I drive my ss to school every morning, I let my dh know my ss's mood. It's the same the other way around. The other day my husband took his son to the counselor. My dh called me while he was waiting to let me know my ss was acting up. BM had him over the weekend and he came home saying the same things he always comes home saying after more than a night at his moms- being brainwashed EOW must get tiring. I've learned that a lot of communication- even on things that seem small- seem to alleviate a lot of problems. And I always let my dh know when I do something or when something happens- no if ands or buts.

My SD9 strips down to her undies every night no idea why hot uncomfortable no clue not a big issue ... but she walks around for 45 minutes every morning "looking" for something to wear or stays in bed til 3 minutes before we leave for the bus.

I use to go out of my mind trying to get her up and when I would say we are leaving she would be the first one in the car... so now I go in make sure she is up and don't say another word to her until its time to go ... we are leaving and bam she is in the car ... I left her home "one time" she flipped but she hasn't missed a ride to the bus since (its only 3 houses away). She had to walk in the rain to the bus stop 3 houses away because she refused to get up I handed her the phone and said if you miss the bus you can call mom or dad to come and get you to bring you to school because I will not be here to take you ... see you... she got dressed and ran to the bus stop. Guess she didn't want to explain to her parents why she wouldn't get up.

I left my oldest sd home one day when I was driving all the other kids to school. She always takes forever getting ready...has to make sure she looks perfect! LOL
Anyways, I kept warning her that we were no longer going to wait for her. When I told everyone to get to the car if she was not in by the time everyones seatbelts were on then I was leaving her home to walk. (When it is nice outside they walk to school anyways becuase it is only a few blocks. )

So one day when it was cold out I gave my "we are leaving" warning. Everyone else was buckled in so we left!

When I got back she was sitting on the front porch crying! I told her she better walk fast so she would not get a tardy and then I went inside. She ran her little behind to school that day. Have rarely had to wait for her since!

My MIL tells us this story about DH. He too was a major procrastinator. One day, MIL told him if he wasn't ready on time, he was going to the bus stop in whatever he was wearing at the time and she was locking the door behind him. He was pretty embarrassed to be locked out wearing only his underwear! For about 15 minutes or so. He was never late again.