stepdaughter cause of tension

14 years ago

I have an 11 year old stepdaughter who wont even hardly talk to me. I dont yell at her for anything or ground her from anything unless she keeps pushing her moms buttons over an extended period of time. Then i will ground her from the computer or tv for a day and she will still use it anyways if i am not around and her mom will not say anything. Her mom says let her do the discipline but she doesnt do any at all but yell at her once she gets really angry. She has no chores and her mom gives her almost anything she wants and waits on her. i try to stay out of it even if i dont like what she is doing or let her do things like leave her stuff lay aroung and not say anything. she seems to get away with more than my 20 month old son because i wont let him get away with it. I try as hard as i can not to discipline because her mom says she will do it. It makes me feel like a guest in my own home sometimes. Also her mom gets up set because me and her daughter hardly talk or do things together. I always tell her hi and ask what she did in school but she says nothing and goes to her room to watch netflix. Also we dont really have the same intrest and if i do ask her to do something she always says no. She likes to just sit in the house and watch tv and go on the computer. Me and my son enjoy being outside and watching sports. Also if i do tell her something like pick something up or do something her mom comes back with well you left this out or you got this right in front of her daughter I am 30 and feel like i am being treated like an 11 year old with the same rules as an 11 year old. I did tell her mom that and she says i am putting down her daughter by saying that. I love her daughter and think of her as my own because her real dad has nothing to do with her. But i feel like i shouldnt have to raise her diffrent than my own kids and i should have some say around the house. If i do tell her something my wife says she is scared of me thats why she is always in her room. Like i said i dont hollar or yell at her at all and she has probably only been grounded by me 3 or 4 times in her life. I am the only one who will ground her though not her mom. Her mom will tell her she cant do something and then later on just let her. Her mom can be very stubborn and if i do try to talk to her about it i get told that i am the adult and have to try harder. i understand that but if i can tell her lets go do this or that but not pick something up that seems messed up. i have tried to talk to her mom about giving her chores and rules but she has gotten no chores and her rules have become more relaxed. me and her mom dated for over 5 years and just got married six months ago. anyone got any advice

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Comments (5)

colleenoz
14 years ago
Since you knew about this for five years, why did you marry? Why would you expect anything to change?
While SD has issues, he mother is the bigger problem- she is raising her daughter to behave like this, whether consciously or unconsciously. Either you need to get her to agree to family counselling, go for the counselling and take action on the advice you have been offered, or accept that you will continue to be treated like an 11 year old in your own home.
Then you will need to decide if you want to keep going down that road. What's the deal breaker here for you?
DFWmom
14 years ago
I have to say to me, the problem is the mother, not the stepdaughter. Mom needs to be handling her daughter. She is on the brink of the teen years which are so hard already and throw in the dynamics of being a blended family and it can be a disaster. I have been there...heck I'm still there and I'm learning. Your wife should not be treating you like a child here. You are partners in this and should show a united front. If the child can see that she is causing a division in the family, it will get worse. To some extent, I was doing to my DH what your wife is doing to you. Once I opened my eyes and starting changing the way I was acting, my DDs behavior changed too.
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First of all, I agree that what I did over facebook wasn't the best of ideas and could have been done a lot better, but one cannot always make the best of decisions when stressed. I did what I did and it can't be changed. However, the issue of His daughter dating the older man, One she was underage, two she was living with us at the time and it wasn't acceptable or appropriate for her to be with a 37 year old when she was 16, three, her father had the right to know what she was doing and it was my responsibility to tell him. I ask you this question, how would my relationship with my husband been hurt if he found out later that I knew and didn't tell him? Also who would have been held responsible if it actually came to attention to the authorities? The man? Well yes, but also the party who is in the role of guardian (me) who had the responsibility to let her father know what was going on under his nose. If I had never found out and she had managed not to get caught in the act by me, I never would have felt the responsibility to let her father know. It isn't as simple as "Tattling" when she is breaking the rules of the household and breaking the law, and I do understand why she reacted the way she did. I however don't have to like it or take it... I really don't care what she does with her life. Now that she is not underage and not living in the house, it doesn't matter. As for my mother, I am not excusing or condoning her behavior, she can be pretty mean, I will not defend her actions, I was just stating what happened. Why I sent the email, I felt obligated to try to resolve it personally before anything else. I guess I can't easily let go of an insult. It's a failing of mine. Why I finally blew it up on Facebook was a combination of resentment and frustration for how they were acting and my husband's lack of ability to stand up to them. It seemed at the time the only way to resolve it and it obviously didn't work. Believe me, I will not be contacting any of them, I never wanted to even before the Facebook drama started but I felt that trying to ignore the insults and stealing wasn't doing a thing to help or hinder it and to change it in any way I had to act. I am really not that good at confrontations so I messed that up pretty badly. My husband is actually doing a LOT better on the spineless wonder front, He told me that he was blinded by guilt about not being around much when they were growing up because he was in the Navy. He said that's why he let them get their way in a lot of ways when he was there and why they are used to him being the doormat. It's a shock to them that he is actually standing up for himself and I and they don't like it. He said that he still loves his girls but he will not tolerate the lies anymore. The next time they establish contact, maybe then we can work things out like adults. However they will be treated like adults in all aspects and they may not like that.
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Wifey, I really do understand. My childhood was also smattered with abuse, physical, verbal and sexual. I'm also a survivor and a very strong woman. I have been on my own since age 16, managed to finance and get through most of college on my own, and at age 35, I now own a pretty strong company that I built from the ground up. As a survivor type, I never even entertained the idea of "can't", giving up or not making life work for me - I really didn't have any other choice. I've learned this is not something everyone is programmed with and I am very lucky to have these expectations of myself, where others are too scared to consider or can't even see life's possibilities. You're absolutely right, blood sucking spongey types seem to practically hunt down survivor types. I have to fight them off constantly and most are from my side of the family. I've learned to recognize them right off but most of the time I still try to play the hero until I get disgusted with them and then I play the avoidance card. Only you know your limits. I guess I just hate to see her win. :) I also know that my survivor background causes me to expect more from people than "normal" people might. I also share your feelings of "well if I can go through this and be this strong in my life, why should I sympathize with someone who makes no effort at all?". I guess my own answer to that question in the middle of my sleepless nights is: I'd rather be me than them. Knowing a little more about the relationship with you and your SD, I would think you shouldn't offer any more of your money to her at all. That should be a boundary you set with her and her father. If you wanted a relationship with her at all at this point, I would insist that it be strictly a mentor/friend type relationship so she can hopefully learn how to grow from you. If she thinks she can con you and be nice to you long enough for you to give her cash, you aren't making any headway at all, just making matters worse. And if she won't accept that type of relationship, then you did your best in offering, and hopefully she'll figure it out on her own someday. I wish I had better answers for you. My husband is ten years older than me, so I related to what could be the unspoken part of your situation. In my situation I wondered if maybe I didn't accept this man in some way to fill the father slot that was left in shambles in my childhood. When I look at it in that light, I begin to question whether I may be suffering from jealousy issues that aren't present in "normal" SM/SD relationships. Examining the possibility has given me more gas for tollerance until I am sure. Oddly enough, the question of how life would have been had my father had the personality of my husband, isn't so much comforting, but scary. I can't imagine what it would be like to be so nurtured and unprepared for this rough world we live in. Another byproduct seems to be the years it takes before family considers your relationship with your husband valid. They seem to think you are going to flee with half the bank account someday. My father was 24 years older than my mother, so the age difference has never been a problem for me, just everyone else. What fun! More unspoken, yet heavy stress. I sit here and I honestly do not know what I would do in your shoes. My situation is rosey compared to yours. What helps me through all this turmoil is communication with my husband, but if yours won't talk to you about it, I don't know how you could ever be expected to move forward. I don't think you are a bad person, a whiner or any of that. If you are like me, you were at your total wits end before you even thought to Google this board. I think anyone on here who creates a dialogue with themselves about these issues is facing the issue and questioning how they can make it better. I haven't yet found a posting on here from a step father, which to me is very telling. It's funny, my husband is so awestruck by the person I am and the things I have accomplished in the face of adversity. He is equally petrified of his children ever having to face these same things. I have explained to him that everything I went through made me a stronger person...that I VALUE these parts of my life because they made me who I am. I don't mean to sound cocky but I can look at myself in the mirror each morning and know I did the right thing the day before and I am very pleased with my progress in this life. Really, what more can you hope for on this journey than that? Sorry this is so long - I pretty much rambled as I went. I hope things work out for you whatever you decide.
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Hi Petunia- I saw your posts where you said something like you are afraid you will never meet anyone. I would bet money with you that I am just as much of a home body as you, if not more. *wink* You will meet someone. When you are ready and when you are not looking or expecting it. Sweeby- I disagree with mentioning kids or marriage on the second date. I agree with you on what you are saying but for some reason it FREAKS guys out. Not only does it freak them out but it is in many magazines and articles about dating not to mention it that soon. Again, I agree it shouldnt be that big of a deal. I have to agree with the person who said the ex is not perfect since she wants kids. I also think he is not perfect because he is not treating you the way you should be treated -as the women in the relationship. Its bad parenting by the parent (not the kid) He allows this kind of stuff to go on. I dont care if he feels guilty or not. You are the adult and the women in the relationship. She is the child. I would not allow myself to be treated in any way other than that. When I am not they are placed on the curb. Yes, it stinks and yes it hurts. Once my head and heart are clear and I am on the outside looking in I clearly see things without my heart involved and I realize that I made the best decision. As far as meeting people on the internet. I have met guys on the net and out. It made no difference where I met them, what they did for a living, or where they lived they were who they were and it wouldnt have mattered where I met them. The same people you would meet out and about are the same people that are on the internet. I personally would use a match maker service that you had to pay for. That would weed out some of the people you wouldnt want anyway. Good Luck Keep us updated. Its a New Year and you are going to meet someone special if you let yourself! *wink*
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imamommy
14 years ago
Whatever you are doing FOR her daughter, STOP. Do nothing for her. That is all YOU have control of here.... or you can leave. You can't change the child's behavior and you can't "make" the mom be a better parent.

Is the mom working? Is the SD's father paying support? (I assume not since you say he's not in the picture much) So, if you are the primary breadwinner, why does she have netflix in her room? Is mom paying for it? It sounds as if you are supporting them and have no voice in how things are.. except when you're around your son. I'm not saying to refuse to buy necessities but when she wants something "extra" that mom can't afford, simply say sorry or that's too bad. I used to whip out my checkbook hoping my SD would realize how much I do for her and appreciate it. Unfortunately, some people just take without giving.

From your post, I can't tell if the mom is a bad parent or parenting the daughter loosely out of guilt for the father's absence. If she is a bad mother, then you may have to be your son's primary parent or he will have problems too. It is not good parenting for a parent to allow their child to treat their partner the way you describe. She is doing her child a disservice and at the same time, damaging her marriage, which is going to ultimately affect your son if things don't work out.

I would suggest getting her into counseling and parenting classes. She needs to understand how this is going to affect her daughter for years to come. It isn't just about the rules or how she treats you, it's also about how she will parent her children & what kind of men she will choose in life. She has no relationship with her father and pushes you away... how is she ever going to have a relationship with a man?
justmetoo
14 years ago
--" I dont yell at her for anything or ground her from anything unless she keeps pushing her moms buttons over an extended period of time."--

And then you 'yell' and react.

--" If i do tell her something my wife says she is scared of me thats why she is always in her room."--

Followed up with --"Like i said i dont hollar or yell at her at all and she has probably only been grounded by me 3 or 4 times in her life."--

You're saying two different things. First, you only 'yell' IF, then you dont 'hollar or yell at all'.

Could be the child is not 'pushing her mothers buttons' but rather deliberately pushing yours. And she's learned just how to do it. Get Mommy to see me mas the 'victim' and side with me against 'HIM'.

Unfortunately, after five years of learning to manipulate them household, I doubt counseling is going to do the girl much good now. She knows exactly what and why she does what she does. Counseling for Mom I think would be the place to start. As one poster above said above, once that mother could 'see' what was going on and accept her role in it, the child started behaving better.

I totally agree that a child needs discipline. Structure and house rules. In your case, Mom, does not agree with yours or my opinion on that. The more you push the idea the more both child and mother rebel against it.

If you can't get your wife to agree (see) that there is a problem and that she is a part of it and how it developed, then at least think about hetting counseling for yourself. One begins to wonder why you're allowing yourself to be totally disrespected by not only the child but your wife (Mom lets her do what you've grounded her from when you're not home?) Pfft. With that kind of parenting coming from the mother it is a total matter of time before your young toddler son (very impressonable age) begins to see Dad as the guy to ignore too. Why not, Mommy and sister do?

Fix yourself first. Find out why you tolerate being the '11 yr old' in your home. (Ima stated some sound points. Why does a kid that all but spits at you have tv and computers in her bedroom?) Find out why and what you get out of this relationship and if it's one you really thenn desire to continue with. You can't 'fix' other people. Nope, can't make Mommy parent. Can't make child learn better than what she's being taught. But you can take steps that might make the situation better for you.
imamommy
14 years ago
In my post earlier, I meant counseling for the mom... to see how her parenting might be destructive to her daughter.

stepdaughter cause of tension

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