"The honeymoon is a once in a lifetime event".

no it is not. otherwise we would not have "stepfamily" forums.

Your frustration level is high. I have been there, and I sympathize.

Getting married will solify your feelings about the relationship, even though you are living together. Your expectations of how a g/f or wife should be treated is reasonable. Your convictions will be stronger after the marriage, and it will frustrate you to no end with the knowledge that as a "wife" you should have it better. It will be humbling also, to know that the situation is the same as it was before the marriage.

Please consider this: your b/f probably wants you to change just as much you want him to. You feel perfectly justified with your demands; you cannot lower your expectations. If you recognize that you will not change, please accept that your b/f also feels the same way. Neither side wins.

Question: If you two were not living together, would you allow this relationship to wither away into nothingness?

For many it is a once in a lifetime event. I expect I missed my once in a lifetime event because I have a positive outlook on my future even with the problems of the blended family. I will always feel a kind of loss for that, but I made the choice to compromise. I think that when people get married for the first time, the goal is for the honeymoon to be a once in a lifetime event and who's to say it won't be for sjh.

Here's what I got out of your third paragraph, SJH, (the one about discussions when he checks with you): you two have a large communication problem, that I'm not sure of the root of, but it certainly includes that you like details and he doesn't.
This part of the problem is not insurmountable, and if you want to stay with your guy, my advice would be to identify and tackle each part of your communication problem one by one. That you appear to like details and he doesn't is an easy one to start with! (Trust me, I've done this one... Twice...)
I LOVE details! Absolutely love them! The Sims is my favourite computer game because of all the micromanagement I get to do. I like to make a to-scale map of my home and all my furniture when I'm moving or thinking of rearranging - and I think this is fun. I am not a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-kind-of-girl.
Unfortunately, my taste in men is for a laid-back, flying-by-the-seat-of-his-pants, relaxed sort of guy.
So I've gone through this one to some extent with pretty much every guy I've ever dated. And I'll share how I got through it with BF with regards to his son's visits.

I also used to ask all of those questions about when A__ (BF's 9 yo son) was coming over... And BF didn't have answers and was very frustrated with that I was asking them. He didn't shut me out of the decision making, but I could tell he was annoyed.
So I made a few changes in my own behavior, and asked BF for a few changes to his.
MY changes include:
- Ask questions when they need to be dealt with with regards to A__'s visits, not before. Example: Not ask BF what he's planning on doing for the afternoon before we pick A__ up in the morning, but ask after lunch instead.
- Just deal with some of it on my own. I do most of the cooking, so rather than asking BF what he plans to feed A__, I just go buy the appropriate groceries and when it comes to supper time say "There's groceries for lemon pepper cod, steamed broccoli and baked potatoes. You want to cook, or you want me to?"
HIS changes: After I made my changes, I told him what I had been making an effort to change and what I would like from him and he has made a real effort on:
- Remembering that I love details and am higher stress than him, so he's more patient with what I do ask, now that I don't ask so many questions he doesn't feel are necessary.
- Thinking ahead about the details of A__'s visit to make sure it meshes with anything else we have to do that weekend. Things like plans with friends, or errands to run on Saturday, and how we can fit them into A__'s visit. He actually says now "So let's go to the furniture store right before we pick him up, because it's on that side of town anyhow, and then pick him up, and then we'll go to the car wash because he loves it, and then stop at the drugstore?" This is a huge step for hi, and I really appreciate it!

My experience with non-detail people is that they don't want to sit down with you to make an action plan about how to deal with a problem, and it's better received to say "You know how ____ is a problem for us? I've been thinking about it and I have tried to make the following changes in my own behavior: _______. This is what I think you can do in order to help too: ______. What do you think? Will you agree to help each other keep up our ends of the bargain?" than it is to make them drag out a plan from scratch.

JMO, feel free to disregard it.

sjh- I think the bottom line is, you need to have a big discussion about your role, boundaries, expectations and what the future will be if he doesn't start communicating and compromising. The sooner you see the changes- not just hear that changes will happen- the better off you will be.

A few things, I'll take 'em one by one:

-"My FDH sees his son A LOT. At least twice a week for games and practices and he sees him every weekend for games and practices."

That's not a ton. EOW & a couple games here & there is generally not considered a lot and by no means is it excessive. It's not a little, but I think you exaggerate the "a lot-ness" of their time togetehr. And then, of course, based on that perception, you start resenting it.

-"Overnights are very few and far between. But when there are overnights, they always cause friction because of the decisions made without me!"

If they're not that frequent, what's the big deal if the kid sleeps over? I still don't get this.

-"Why is it so much to ask that I be considered in this?"

Has it occured to you that FDH may have ALREADY considered your wishes, but simply disagreed with them? Being "considered" doesn't always mean you get your way.

-"Why should his EX WIFE dictate these thing withOUT me?"

While I certainly don't condone any parent running roughshod over anyone, possible answers to your question might be: a) ex-wife is SS's parent, hence she has right to some say in what happens with her child; b) to the extent that the visitation needs to be coordinated with the person with whom SS lives full-time (that would be ex-wife), she has say; c)depending on the phrasing of divorce agreement/visitaion schedule, it's likely that these matters are to be legally decided between ex-wife and FDH.

-"And yes, there are times where I am feeling plain ole selfish because he has been out driving to gams and practices 5 or 6 days in a row and I barely get to see my fiance, so what's wrong with me wanting to spend some time with him?"

What's stopping you from joining your FDH and SS on some of these outings? Might be fun!

-"Why should I be around them when it boils my blood that my fiance has such disrepect for me because of this one child!?"

Well, then maybe you shouldn't be. Sounds like your blood, indeed, is quite boily. But that's your reaction; hence your decision what YOU do about it.

-"I would prefer that he come over when things are good."

Your FDH doesn't cease being this boy's parent just because things aren't "good" at that moment between you two. And btw "things being good" as a condition can easily turn into a control mechanism, i.e. "it's never good, so SS should never be here". Watch out for that trap, it'll make you all miserable.

-"And yes, a honeymoon is a once in a lifetime opportunity (for most people) and we should not have to sacrifice that because of his past."

Agreed that, when financially feasible, a honeymoon is something nice that you should have. But his son is not "his past". His son is evry much a part of his present and future. He doesn't cease to exist because you entered the picture. Deal with it.

-"Simply because I would prefer he not have a sleep over right now until this is resolved is not a big deal. His son will not shrivel and die because he can't sleep at our house. His son will not NOT see his dad. I am not banning the kid from my house."

I would seriously ask yourself why the big deal with him spending the night. If it's not a sex issue, then what is it? Making breakfast? Getting the kid to school? FDH can make him breakfast and get his kid to school, and if he won't that's a whole other can of problems.. having nothing to do with any "disruptiveness" on your SS's part. Let's see, what esle could it be... you don't want SS getting too cozy b/c you've got other ideas for the spare room... He can't sleep and keeps you awake... I don't know, you need to clarify. See, the thing about spending the night that is so significant for a child is that it's important for them to know that they have a HOME with their NCP, even if they don't live there full-time. That's extremely meaningful to them. Not being able to spend the night makes him feel like an afternoon guest, not a fully legit family member. That's a big deal to a kid. But for you, it's at best an inconvenience.

" * Posted by finedreams (My Page) on
Fri, Apr 11, 08 at 13:04

"The honeymoon is a once in a lifetime event".

no it is not. otherwise we would not have "stepfamily" forums."

How many honeymoons have you had? I am in a step family but it's my first marriage and hopefully my honeymoon was a once in a lifetime event. It wasn't for my husband, he had a honeymoon with his first wife, but I had never been married before. (I'm not saying a honeymoon should take priority over kids because it's NOT the same as a first marriage where there is no kids. I think the kids should be considered in planning a honeymoon for a step family marriage, but it still could be a once in a lifetime event.) I also compromised and we had a three day trip to San Francisco instead of two weeks in a tropical island because he didn't want it to interfere with his time with his daughter. We even scheduled our wedding around when his daughter would be going back to her mom (we made sure we would have her for the wedding but she'd be at her mom's for the honeymoon.)

To Finedreams:

"The honeymoon is a once in a lifetime event".
no it is not. otherwise we would not have "stepfamily" forums.

I am glad to see you went into your marriage knowing you could do it again too... I am not going into my marriage with the belief that this is not going to last and that I can do this all over again. MY honeymoon IS my once in a lifetime event. And no one should be able to take that away from me, regardless of whether or not a child came before me. That marriage is over. That family is broken. This is a NEW family and a NEW marriage and we deserve to have a few things to ourselves.

I am confused: If he sees his son a lot...but overnights are few and far between? This does not make sense to me at all.

Being a parent is a full time job, it is not a convienent one or a conditional one. Which is how I am interpreting your posts as you trying to make FDH act. Too many people are on here as it is right now complaining (rightfully so!) that the NCP is not picking up on their duties as their shared childrens parents.

"And no one should be able to take that away from me, regardless of whether or not a child came before me. That marriage is over. That family is broken. This is a NEW family and a NEW marriage and we deserve to have a few things to ourselves."

Good luck with your NEW life. You're going to need it.

Imamommy, that to me seems reasonable and a good example of compromise.

To the OP, that family is not broken. Where do you get that idea? There was a divorce between Dad and Mom, but Dad and Son are still family and will always be family.

The more I read your posts, the more understanding I am getting from your mind set here. It isn't about compromise, it is about doing it YOUR way and with YOUR NEW family. Right?

-"My FDH sees his son A LOT. At least twice a week for games and practices and he sees him every weekend for games and practices."

"That's not a ton. EOW & a couple games here & there is generally not considered a lot and by no means is it excessive. It's not a little, but I think you exaggerate the "a lot-ness" of their time togetehr. And then, of course, based on that perception, you start resenting it."

Where did you get EOW from EVERY WEEKEND? My fiance actully sees his son MORE than what most courts give nowadays?

And no, I will NEVER be okay with his ex wife having ANY SAY before me about MY HOME.

"See, the thing about spending the night that is so significant for a child is that it's important for them to know that they have a HOME with their NCP, even if they don't live there full-time. That's extremely meaningful to them. Not being able to spend the night makes him feel like an afternoon guest, not a fully legit family member. That's a big deal to a kid. But for you, it's at best an inconvenience."

I COMPLETELY disagree with this statement. I AM a product of divorce and I NEVER felt like I had a second home with my dad, no matter how many times I slept there, no matter that I had my own room. It is NOT natural to have two homes. Most people feel at home sleeping, and coming and going from the ONE place they have a routine in day in and day out. I think the WORST thing a court can do is make a kid go to two house during the week and think that's normal. It's not. It's distruptive to everyone, especially the kid. He has to remember what house he has to go to and get used to another room all over again, etc. I STOPPED sleeping at my dad's when I was 12 because it was just stupid already! To go and sleep in a house that functions without you day in a day out is not being at home - it's called being a house guest. Him sleeping over is not creating a bond. They are not spending more time together if he drops him off at 9 at night. They'd be SLEEPING. I presonally don't see there being a big deal with sleep overs... like I said, I am speaking from experience. I think too many shrinks feed a lot of crap into our heads about this "bonding" experience. Ask a kid if they feel like they have two homes. Ask a kid if having to remember where you are on what weekend or what night is more of a hassle than anything. It gets old after a while.

Me not wanting him to sleep over right now while things are this tense would be an opportunity for us to start fresh and start over again. And that's what I need...

You hit the nail on the head - we do have a major communication problem. We never used to, and we don't when it comes to anything else in his life. JUST THIS. Personally, I think his ex wife got in his head and manipulated him by using the "you are a terrible father" speech. And when that happened, everything went downhill.

We are going to a counselor next Thursday.

Just because YOU felt that way doesn't mean that your FDH or his son feel that way. You are not everybody else and how you feel about something doesn't make YOU right.

JUST THIS is a big thing. You are bargaining with a kids life like it is nothing.

I'd be very careful how you act. One day the way FDH treats his son, will be how he treats his kids with you. NEW family or not.

Have a nice life.

"I am confused: If he sees his son a lot...but overnights are few and far between? This does not make sense to me at all."

Why does this not make sense? Do you HAVE to have sleepovers in order to be a parent? He does see him a lot, during the week, every weekend... but not every visit is a sleep over. Why is that so hard to understand?

"Being a parent is a full time job, it is not a convienent one or a conditional one. Which is how I am interpreting your posts as you trying to make FDH act. Too many people are on here as it is right now complaining (rightfully so!) that the NCP is not picking up on their duties as their shared childrens parents."

He does a lot for his son. He is at every game, every practice, every try out, every school function, etc. Drives him everywhere. I think he does MORE for that kid than his own mother does! Just because he doesn't sleep with him doesn't mean he isn't being a parent!

Just because YOU felt that way doesn't mean that your FDH or his son feel that way. You are not everybody else and how you feel about something doesn't make YOU right.
JUST THIS is a big thing. You are bargaining with a kids life like it is nothing.

Gigglemonster, this makes no sense to me. How am I bragaining with his life? Will he die or something if his father compromises with me and is considerate of me being in his life? I don't get it.

And I never said I was RIGHT. I am saying I speak from EXPERIENCE.

SJH, I'm going to give an example of NOT a compromise, a conversation between me and my ex.
I am fish-veggie (I eat fish and seafood but not birds or mammals) and my BF was a meat-heavy omnivore.
In a hypothetical discussion about having kids, I mentioned that I was concerned that my family wouldn't respect my dietary choices with regards to my potential future children.
Him: "What are you talking about? If we have kids, they're eating all sorts of meat."
Me: "Why?"
Him: "Because I do."
Me: "Because you do? If that's the case, then it's just as valid to say they are fish-veggie because I am. How about a compromise for potential future children, that they would eat birds and fish, but not mammals?"
Him: "That's not a compromise. If you want to compromise, they should be eating all meats."
Me: "~outburst of expletives~ That's the very definition of compromise! It's halfway between what I eat and what you eat! How is eating birds not a compromise, but eating exactly what you eat is?"
Him: "Because it's what I want"
I kid you not. No word of this conversation is an exaggeration. And he wasn't just trying to get my goat, he was totally serious.

How do your conversations and viewpoints fit into that example of NOT a compromise, SJH? Do you line up more closely with where I was in the conversation (minus the swearing hopefully), wanting to find middle ground, or more where he was, wanting his way with no wiggle room?

For example, let's say you have plans with George and Sue for lunch tomorrow. FDH announces that his DS is coming over for the night. Do you say "No, we're having lunch with George and Sue" or do you say "Well, we had lunch plans with George and Sue. Should I call to see if we can change it to supper plans?"
One is being considerate and accommodating, leaving room for compromise. One is being too firm and leaving no wiggle.
Now if you do the compromise, but FDH says "F-- George and Sue and our lunch plans. DS is coming over" that's just as bad!

Think hard about how you and FDH compromise... I'd bet both of you need to do some work on it!

What experience? I am a step child too and a mother and about to be a "legal" SM in June with already 5 years of living with my SD. Think I got you beat on experience if you want to make it about that.

When you are a parent, your life changes. You have a responsibility to act in your childs best interest and that means spending time with them, going to games, spending the night...these are normal things you are b!tching about. And if you don't you are what we call a DEAD BEAT. That is how I see you trying to turn your FDH into.

These "sleep overs" are parenting time. Believe it or not, your FDH and son get something out of it. By you just stating that they don't, I see where your INEXPERIENCE is coming out.

Your FDH is a FATHER, not a sometime when it is convienent to his paramour (and yes that is exactly what YOU are) sperm donor.

Have you not read or heard anything about how a child suffers from lack of parenting from both parents?

And believe it or not, from what you have said of your background and not having ample time with your Dad, I can TOTALLY see where it has affected you negatively and skewered your perspective of a healthy family and parenting. You think it is totally normal for the NEW family to disregard the old and who cares? So, yes it has affected you....you just don't realize it.

SJH said "It is NOT natural to have two homes."

LOL! Not natural to have TWO homes?? My BF's son has FOUR! It causes a world of headaches, and is NOT a good thing, but I just want to point out that there are many structures for families and homes, and NONE of them are "natural" or without problems.

As for increased bonding with overnight visits, there's a lot of bonding that goes on with brushing your teeth together in the evening, with tucking in at night and saying "Dad and Ceph love you", with eating breakfast in your jammies, with doing the breakfast dishes together while you decide what to do today.
I PREFER when A__ spends the night and we have him most of the next day because he's better behaved! He knows the plans for the day right from the get-go, so he feels more secure and relaxed. Not to mention that then I know he had a good breakfast and isn't crabby from not being properly nourished. So much of my bonding with my BF's son happened after A__ asked if I would start staying over too and I started being involved in all that bedtime and morning stuff (I would go home at night when BF and I were first together)
Personally, I think a LOT of important bonding takes place at sleepover visits!

-"EOW": my fault, I accidentally typed the standard shorthand for the common every-other-week/weekend set-up (one kind of schedule among many). Still, I wouldn't see your FDH & SS's time together as excessive.

-ex-wife: not sure I know what all she was trying to dictate, if anything. It sounded more like HE was just making arrangements with her w/o consulting you; not necessarily that SHE was trying to "dictate" anything. But, of course, there may be incidents you're not mentioning. And of course, if plans made affect you, should be part (PART!) of the decision-making process about those plans.

-spending the night/"not natural to have two homes": It probably varies from kid to kid how they feel about that. I, for one, have always liked the idea of feeling at home at my father's house and like I belong there as part of his family. As for the literal-ness of the sleeping-in-a-bed and spending-the-night parts, the advantages of these MAY be slight or debatable. But in any event, it's clear to me that the extreme conflict and disdian you have for the idea of the sleep-overs, and your attempts to eliminate them, is having far more negative effects than if it were "neither here nor there". Even if I bought your argument that sleep-overs in general should be an "non-issue" (at least for the SS), they are clearly NOT a non-issue to you. Therefore, on some level, you yourself recognize their significance (of territoriality, emotional weight, who's family and who's just a "guest", who will get the honor of sleeping in the family home and who won't).

One final comment about 'consideration'. I'm not a conformist and don't always believe that the majority is right. However, sometimes it makes sense to step back, look around at what other people do, and get some perspective. In this situation, what you are asking to be 'considered' (ix-nay on SS sleep-overs) is a highly unusual and grandiose request that not only usually doesn't get heeded but usually doesn't get asked. For a reason. The reason being that it's controlling, demanding and inappropriate. Simply put, you can ask for 'consideration' of a wildly outrageous request all you want. But you should bear in mind that you're the one going against the grain before you get all bent out of shape when your request is denied. Makes coping easier.

sjh, you must feel like you are being attacked. Please believe that everyone here is trying to see all points of view which is difficult on this type of forum. I agree with most that the child should be staying the night when possible because he needs that time with his father, even if they are sleeping. Kids sometimes wake in the middle of the night or have a hard time sleeping because of all the voices in their heads. Having a parent close and feeling that security is important and bonding- even if the word seems overused. I have moments when I don't want my SS around because of some of our problems. I actually feel a sense of relief that he is with his mom this weekend so I can get a break, though I know that is selfish. When it comes down to it, I really want him here and not around the toxic environment at his mom's house(His SF likes to call him a little F___ or Gay-Isn't that nice?). We all have a degree of selfishness in us, we just don't want to believe it.

You are here, which means you are trying to figure this out. It's hard, but try to look at your life as an outsider and see where you can make changes and what changes you would like to see. Try writing down those thoughts. Also list all the things you feel are problems so you can address them in counseling. But don't just focus on the negative, also make a list of the positive things happening. I know there are some because you love him. Maybe he has a reason why he is doing certain things that he hasn't shared with you. Who knows. Men are bad at cluing us in on things sometimes and neither of our sexes can read minds. I truly hope that going to counseling will help the communication and help your relationship with both your fiance and his son.

"I think the WORST thing a court can do is make a kid go to two house during the week and think that's normal. It's not. It's distruptive to everyone, especially the kid. He has to remember what house he has to go to and get used to another room all over again, etc. I STOPPED sleeping at my dad's when I was 12 because it was just stupid already! To go and sleep in a house that functions without you day in a day out is not being at home - it's called being a house guest. Him sleeping over is not creating a bond. They are not spending more time together if he drops him off at 9 at night. They'd be SLEEPING. I presonally don't see there being a big deal with sleep overs... like I said, I am speaking from experience. I think too many shrinks feed a lot of crap into our heads about this "bonding" experience. Ask a kid if they feel like they have two homes. Ask a kid if having to remember where you are on what weekend or what night is more of a hassle than anything. It gets old after a while."

I, too, am a child of divorce. Though I lived primarily with my mom, I did spend overnights with my dad. My mom moved a lot though and got remarried, so my home was never a building, but more wherever my mom was, if that makes sense.

My stepsons live with us Thursday through Sunday every week and their mom's the rest of the time. This has been the schedule for four years. At their mom's apartment, they share a bedroom with each other and a bathroom with her. (They are ages 17 and 18.) At our house, they have their own bedrooms and their own bathroom (and their own living room!). They refer to their two homes as "mom's" and "our house." Going back and forth has caused some inconvenience, I'm sure, but they never complain. We eat all meals together and do things with them when they're with us, though they are now at those ages where they're doing their own thing.

I know my husband LOVES having his sons at the house. He would have them there full-time if he could. And they may live with us more when they start attending college. They are a big part of why we bought a house with so much space.

Seems to me that this whole argument is all about you (OP) and what you need. How about what your fiance and his son need? They need each other a lot more than you realize.

"Why should I be around them when it boils my blood that my fiance has such disrepect for me because of this one child!?"
Woah!... Two very separate issues here. Fiance IS disrespecting you, but it's not because of the child. Don't hold the child responsible for his father's inconsiderate behavior. If Dad is ignoring you, disrespecting you, refusing to compromise, and always putting his child's needs ahead of yours, that's HIS problem and YOUR problem, but NOT the child's fault. Don't take your anger out on the child.

I see that you've responded to many of the comments here, but totally ignored the one comment that was most absolute and inflamatory -- the suggestion to call off the wedding. I'm sure you didn't miss it. Let me spell out why I suggested it --

First off, let me say that I'm normally a pretty mild-mannered person who compromises often and easily. I cut people a lot of slack when it comes to issues of selfishness, lack of consideration for others, acting in their own self-interest, lack of planning, disorganization, etc. I'm truly one of those "can't we all get along?" types. I believe in counseling. I believe in trying to work things out. I believe in giving a good man lots of chances.

And if the wedding weren't a scant three weeks away, my advice might be very different. My concerns would be the same, but you'd have ample time to try to work through them. Try this - wait and see. Try that. Tweak. Adjust. Compromise.

But you don't have that kind of time.

If you don't do something drastic, in three weeks you will be legally connected to this man and his son (and his Ex Wife) and still in the middle of a difficult and serious problem with no easy solution. And it will be much, much harder to get yourself out of this mess. Divorces are quite simply awful.

So why do I say flat out "Cancel the Wedding!" instead of "Postpone the wedding", or "give him an ultimatum", or "have a serious talk with him" or "give counseling a chance."??

Because some problems require a fine touch.
And others require a baseball bat.
This one requires a baseball bat.

You say what you want is for your FDH to include you in decision making and take your feelings/needs/wants into consideration. On the surface, this sounds like a reasonable thing.

But

And as wrong as I know it is to put up a wall and not interact with his son, I have no other choice. That's the only thing I can do to "hurt" him as much as he is "hurting" me.

we should not have to sacrifice that because of his past

It's not like his son will be left in the streets

His son will not shrivel and die because he can't sleep at our house.

That family is broken. This is a NEW family and a NEW marriage and we deserve to have a few things to ourselves.

Now, I know you are feeling defensive here, but if this is the kind of thing you are saying to your fiancé, no wonder you are having problems with communication and compromise.

His child is not his past. Just reading that makes me cringe, and I dont even know the kid. His child is his present and his future, and yours too if you marry him. His child is not a part of his old "broken" family that now gets discarded in favor of your NEW family. Maybe thats not what you mean, but thats what you sound like you mean. His child is his family, and yours too if you marry him.

Parenting is more than making sure your child doesnt die and isnt left out on the streets. I know you know that, you have parents who I hope made sure you felt loved and safe and secure and gave you a good foundation before sending you out into the world as an adult. But when you say things like this, it sounds like you think all your FDH needs to do is make sure his child doesnt die, and anything else is above and beyond and should only come after your needs. Again, maybe thats not what you mean, but its what it sounds like you mean.

If this is how you try to compromise with your FDH, I can understand why its not going well. He's probably feeling at least as defensive as you are here, and responding accordingly. Hopefully the counseling will help.

And, for the record, as a stepchild who spent half the week with each parent, I very much disagree with your opinions about it harming the child to have two homes. And yes I did feel that both homes were "home" and that it was valuable in maintaining strong relationships with both parents. There are valid arguments on both sides of this issue, but you don't (again) sound as if you're even willing to consider the other viewpoint, which is possibly the one your FDH has.

Last I heard, "children" sleep at their "parents" houses. Just because your FDH is not the custodial parent, doesnt make him any less the parent. Kids have an absolute right, imo, to spend any night they wish with their parent. I can imagine few things that would be more distressing to a child than feeling they arent welcome in a parents house. There can be no conditions placed by you, on how often, what, when, where, and why a father and son spend time together. ANd if your husband spends money on the boy, thats normal. Parents DO spend money on their kids, get used to it.

You had better ask yourself what you want here. You are marrying a man with children. Children come first. You can either accept the fact that your husband has a bondage of love that predates you, with his child, and do everything you can to foster that, or you can childishly insist on being number one and having your own way.

You cant choose the first route unless your character has matured to the point where you can understand the need for it. You cant choose the second route without someone, perhaps everyone , being deeply unhappy. I would suggest postponing the wedding until you can see to where you can put a child before your own wishes. You arent ready to marry a man with children.

How are you going to feel about 20 percent of your husbands income before tax, going to chlld support? Or paying for college. Or braces. Or the possibility that the boys mom could die and you and your husband would have him full time? HOw will you feel when your own children come along, and his child of the first marriage gets the lions share of things, because of the child support?

YOu need a lot more soul searching before you are ready to marry this guy. Do everyone a favour and take the time.

If you want the once in a lifetime honeymoon you should marry someone without kids.

I could never imagine asking FI to not have his SS spend the night. Even if I did, I am POSITIVE that FI would tell me to hit the road, as he should.

I don't even know how to repond to the two homes argument other than to say that this poor kid doesn't stand a chance at having a successful co-parenting situation. Saying what I really want to say would just piss me off too much!

those of you who asked how many honeymoons i had..I was married so I had one honeymoon. I of course didn't plan to divorce but I did, so if I ever to marry again I maybe will have another honeymoon. New marriage will not negate my previous. We all hoped it was a one time event but reality happened otherwise. Since we are all here because we are either in spepfamily or might become a stepfamily or our children are in stepfamily, saying that honeymoon is once in a life time event is kind of hypocritical. We wish it was but...In my situation as in many others my child actually happened to be a once in a life time event. But I might have another honeymoon...BTW my parents had no honeymoon and yet they are doing fine.

imagine that unfortunate event happens and you divorce your DH in 10 years and your own children aren't allowed to sleep in their dad's house because his new wife or girlfriend objects to it. her rationale would be exactly the same as hers: it is his "past". ha.

Okay, perhaps it might not be once in a lifetime but that isnt really the point here. The point is if it is something that is really important to one person it shouldnt be automatically vetoed because of well anything but even a kid issue. It is not detrimental or even irresponsible to say well I have had him x number of vacations I am running out of vacation time for this year and this is something important to honey... these are my options left ... have him here but with daycare childcare or something... tell bm sorry I cant do it this time I already made plans for my vacation time... tell fiance too bad it doesnt really matter what is really important to you.

I know all to well compromise and giveing up things for your kids... I have given up a lot and made a lot of compromises but there are certain things that are important to me and if I was told (especially after all of the sacrifices that I have made) well to bad ... then I would really have to reconsider what I am doing in that relationship.

This is not to say this is the situation here.. I was jsut a little surprised to see so many people imply that it was selfish or that dad would be irresponsible not to take off work for sons vaca.... I think there is a line to be drawn for everyone... For me currently it is driving a mini van... I won't do it . I work hard day and night for my family but I am simply to young to be sporting a mini van. This may be illogical or silly or whatever but it is something that is important to me... I want my SUV... I have earned my SUV. :-) I have given up alot including a real wedding and honeymoon for my husband and kids but like I said everyone has their thing that they say okay ... this is something I can not live without and that should be respected and taken into consideration...not just cast aside as if it doesnt matter.

"I wanted to be home"

But isn't dad's house as much his home as mom's? where does it say that kids need to be at home at moms only? I was CP not my X, but dad's house was, and is DD's home no matter how old she is. I cannot imagine under any circumstances my X or his partner saying that DD shouldn't stay overnight because her home is at moms. and why do sleepovers have to be mentioned in court? Isn't a common sense that kids need to be with PARENTS regardless mom or dad? If I would tell my BF that his kids should not sleep over, he would tell me to hit the road. And rightly so.

OH MY GOD YOU people act like I am saying he can NEVER see his son again or that I NEVER want him to sleep over again! Has anyone read anything I have said about how it would just be better to not do it NOW with all of the problems? I don't think that if we TEMPORARILY end them until we can get this resolved and start from scratch he'll miss out on anything. MY GOD You people read WAY more into things than what is really there.

No one understands that I have turned this way because of the way my fiance has been treating me with respect to his kid for the last couple of years. I have been the prize SM before and all it did was get me a kick in tha a$$. So because I got shut out, I shut down. And I KNOW that's wrong, but I don't have any other outlet or way of dealing with it. You think it's so easy to just leave? I have tried but we have decided we want to WORK on this. We ARE going to counseling together. All I wanted was to know if I was CRAZY in thinking I should be consulted on things that affect ME. Apparently some of you people think that:
1 - no matter how much it hurts us financially for him to take time off to stay home with his kid, that doesn't matter. (And I guess it doesn't matter that there are people available to watch him, but since the "poor kid" doesn't like to do that, his dad has to take time off of work to make sure he has fun and likes what he is doing, no matter what the financial consequence is to us and no matter that his mom doesn't lose anything out of it.)
2 - I am supposed to be OKAY with losing out on a honeymoon because he has a kid from his past marriage?
3 - Just because he has a kid with this woman should mean that I just sit back and have NO SAY in my own home and be treated like a second class citizen. Oh, And I have to be OKAY with this too?

I am sorry but I do not think that because people have kids from bad marriages allows them to treat their new partners like crap. And people wonder why there is so much more divorce and broken homes now than there was when we were growing up. Kids don't get to see what strong marriages are. Once their parents split up, they become the center of the universe for their non-custodial parents and their parents stop being parents, just pals. Let's not upset the golden child because they come from a broken home. Oh poor baby, let's add more sympathy and guilt to the mix so that kid learns to be selfish and manipulative. Oh, and let's create a nice WEDGE in the new marriage so it crumbles. BRAVO!

Things were so much better when my fiance and I were a strong couple and presented a united front. We NEVER had problems with his son. And if we did have a behavior problem, WE fixed it. WE disciplined him. We had routine in our home, boundaries, etc. But slowly but surely all that got taken away. Some how, our relationship stopped being important. When the ex called, he'd jump and not mention WORD one to me until the last minute. Once that started, I stopped giving a crap. So the sleep overs became few and far between, but haven't stopped all together (and I never said they SHOULD, I just question why they HAVE to be). But for now, while the tension is getting WORSE, I'd rather they stop. I NEVER said he shouldn't see his kid, he DOES see him a lot. I just want to RESOLVE this!

And yes, I do feel attacked because people are nitpicking every little thing I am saying without taking into consideration that ALL of my feelings stem from my fiance's treatment of me. Yes, it's wrong to take it out on the kid (which I don't do directly, as in be mean to him). But it's MY way. If my fiance wants to avoid our problems by not telling me ahead of time what is going on, than I am going to avoid the symbol of the problem and just not be around them.

I wish it was different, but it's not. If we work on it, we'll be okay. And I have NEVER been one to not consider another point of view. I am happy to read what other people write and what their opinions are. Doesn't mean I have to agree. I just don't happen to agree that having sleep overs is such the bonding experience and I don't agree that kids should have more than one home. (And by the way, just because I didn't sleep at my dad's CONSTANTLY that it had this great affect on me - we happen to have a FANTASTIC relationship and we are very close.) If it works for some kids, GREAT! It doesn't work for everyone.

I also NEVER said he should "disregard" his old family. But let's call a spade a spade, shall we? The family they were supposed to be IS GONE. GET IT? GONE. Now, HIS FATHER HAS MOVED ON WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. And we are going to be a family, and yes, the kid too. So THAT is the NEW family. Father and Son are NO LONGER JUST A FAMILY ALONE. If that's what he wants, then I don't belong and they can both ride off into the sunset together.

"Seems to me that this whole argument is all about you (OP) and what you need. How about what your fiance and his son need? They need each other a lot more than you realize."

SS and FDH DO GET what they need. If he NEVER saw the kid and NEVER went to games and NEVER spent time with him, then I could see your point. But FDH does whatever the hell he wants constantly, no matter what I say, no matter what our plans may have been. This isn't about having MORE visitation. He has never even mentioned that! And I have asked if that is an issue and he says NO! The problems WE Have are with communication of the details of visits and schedules that DO exist!

Thanks to those who were kind, thanks to those who offered their opinions, no matter if I agree or not. It is nice to see what other people have to say - which is why I came here. I just can't deal with these bleeding hearts who feel sorry for these kids for no reason. This kid lives a pretty damn good life. Gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants, has a full life, and just because his mean mean step mother wants to have a STRONG foundation for her marriage, she should be stoned and burned, right?

"Children come first" HMMMM
I will get a lot of flak, but I disagree. If two people are committed to each other, by marriage, and both want to raise children (His, Hers, Both) then the marriage has to come first and the rest will follow. My husband comes first, then our kids, then me. In his mind and heart, it is me, then kids, then self. If You want your spouse to be happy, then that means encouraging MORE time spent with his kids FOR HIS SAKE. As far as money goes, if my DH didn't pay child support, I wouldn't have married him. I have a deadbeat EX. I know the cost of raising kids. That money is the first paid every month. I also know that SC and BC expect to come first, my SD tried "It's me or her." BM tried the same- get rid of her, or no visitation. Guess what? I'm still here. He sees them the same amount. They call the same amount. (NOT ENOUGH.)These are teens. Only one tried to get rid of me. Should DH have stayed single forever, just to please a child, who he sees 6 weeks a year, and could see more, except that she chooses vacationing with friends, over extended visits? This is different than small kids.
But, by generalizing that "children come first" you are distorting what that means.
Let me put this into another perspective. I was raised by a single father, no contact with BM, older estranged half sibs. My dad rarely dated, and said he'd never remarry, so he wouldn't go through the step-drama. After I was an adult his GF moved in, but neither wanted to marry. Many years later, I wish that he would have chosen a different life. He was obviously lonely, and needed another adult around. (Not true for everyone.)As a young girl, I needed a woman around. As a teen, more so. If he had loved a woman enough to marry her, and she him, would there have been moments of step-drama?Sure. Kids don't always agree with or like their BPs!We had a fair share of temper tantrums, door slamming, and teen angst!Would it have been harder for a SM than a BM? Maybe. But, he could have had someone in his life besides his child, and I'd have had someone besides him. I feel the same way about my BKs. They don't always agree with DH, or ME! But they know he loves them, and wants to be as much of a father figure as they want.(Neither sees their BD.) I realize I am in a different position than some. Do I want a relationship with my SC? Yes. Do I feel I can be another MOM to them,no.They don't need or want another mom.

Thank you, mrsmaddog, for saying that. I feel that way too. I think it is important for the ADULT relationship to be strong, for the kids and the adults. It sets a good example for the kids and also sets a good foundation for what the family is supposed to be... not kids against adults and not one kid, one adult against another adult. And I feel that putting the kids first sets the stage for more problems later on...

I have to respond to this:

"I wanted to be home"
"But isn't dad's house as much his home as mom's? where does it say that kids need to be at home at moms only? I was CP not my X, but dad's house was, and is DD's home no matter how old she is. I cannot imagine under any circumstances my X or his partner saying that DD shouldn't stay overnight because her home is at moms. and why do sleepovers have to be mentioned in court? Isn't a common sense that kids need to be with PARENTS regardless mom or dad?"

My mom and dad split when I was 10. My dad moved a few times, but I always had my own room at his place. Since I grew up living with my parents, it felt weird to be "visiting" my dad. Maybe for some kids who are used to visiting their dad (like SS), this is a nonissue because they know nothing else. But for me, it wasn't right. It just didn't feel like home. Why? Not sure - because I didn't go to school from there? Because all my stuff wasn't there? Because I had no friends in the neighborhood even though I was there EOW or EW?

You can't force it to feel like home just because one parent is there. If it's not the situation you grew up being used to, you can't say, "hey, this is my home too because dad lives here."

SS will NEVER have a memory of living with his dad. He was too small to remember. All he has ever known is visiting. He has always lived with his mom, all his stuff is at his mom's, he goes to school from his mom's, his daily routine is with his mom. With Dad? It's disneyland. I know NO KID who lives in Disneyland, do you?

Personally, I think forcing a "visitation" to feel like an actual "home" is a little unnatural. It can't be forced no matter what the situation. And no amount of sleep overs will change that.

So now before you get on my case and say that I am saying that SS should never sleep over, that is NOT what I am saying at all. I am just saying there is a DIFFERNCE between visitation/ sleep overs vs. actually being AT HOME.

Here is an example - before FDH and I moved in together, we slept at each other's apartments every night. Him and mine, me at his. He had space at my place, I had space at his. We kept things at each other's apartments. But me being in his apartment did not feel like HOME to me.

Here is another example - I dated another man with two children a long time ago (that ended for different reasons). He had his kids EOW. We had rooms for them, their own stuff, etc. Their visits were regular. But they never felt like dad's house was home either. They always brought stuff from their mom's. Sure they could leave it behind, but they wanted THEIR STUFF. And then it started to get to the point where they didn't want to come EOW because they wanted to hang out with their friends from school or the neighborhood... and when they called, what do you think they said? They wanted to stay HOME.

There is a difference, I just think people don't want to see it because they are trying to force a situation that doesn't exist anymore. Not that it's a BAD thing, I just think it creates more problems for everyone.

And even when SS had his own room with a TON of toys in it, he NEVER called it home.

"Oh, and let's create a nice WEDGE in the new marriage so it crumbles. "

Your sweetie is doing exactly this. Not his son. Him. Not his Ex. HIM.
You're helping, but mostly, it's him.
And if he doesn't stop, the marriage WILL crumble.
This is not rocket science.
You see it. You say it.

But then you go on to say "You think it's so easy to just leave? I have tried but we have decided we want to WORK on this."

So work on it.
And once you have the problem solved and are confident you can work together to keep the problem solved, then it's time to seriously consider getting married.

Sure, it would be difficult to leave - emotionally, financially even. It would be embarassing to call off a wedding that's only 3 weeks away - maybe only 2 weeks and change now. But how embarassing would it be to have a 6-month marriage? Or to know you're stuck in a bad marriage that leaves you feeling angry, frustrated, devalued and abused because you're too embarassed to leave. How dumb would you feel KNOWING you married this guy that treats you like dirt when it comes to his son and who has (in your own words) "non-existant parenting skills". Those aren't learned over-night, you know.

If you're planning to marry a guy thinking you can change him, then you're making a very foolish and expensive mistake.

I agree whole heartedly that the marriage comes first and then children. I believe that if the parents are happy then the children are going to benefit. They are going to grow to see what a GOOD example is of a healthy relationship.

What I see as the difference here is that you want to build your relationship with your FI and ask him to sort of put a hold on building a relationship with his son while you get it worked out. From what you have posted, I just don't see how this can be resolved in any short amount of time and it is UNFAIR to the child for him to wait for the two of you to get things resolved.

And you have also posted that things weren't so good when you were trying to be "Super Step Mom" so what makes you think that things are going to ever get better? It's quite obvious that you have a LOT of resentments towards your FI. And I am going to go out on a limb bere and guess that he has tons of resentments towards you too. Which would make sense why he just doesn't tell you things.

I find it highly immature also to say, "well my FI treats me like crap so I'm going to treat him like that too." Hows that attitude been working out for ya?

It's been my experience that once serious resentments set in, it is pretty hard to resolve those issues. Each one of you is waiting for the other person to make the first change. When someone makes an attempt and doesn't get the reaction that they think they should get, they revert to going back to their old behavior and even more resentments set in. It's a vicious game and I just don't see how that can be solved in three weeks!

I posted this on a different thread this morning, but I think it applies when dealing with problems within a blended family.

Did you watch that interview of Randy Pausch, the author of The Last Lecture? It was just this week. He is dying of cancer and gave an incredible lecture which I guess you can download on the internet. I saw clips of it this week and it is very inspirational. His wife says something to herself when things get tough which I really took to heart. Although the situations are different, they fit. She says something like - Is this helping? or Is this helpful? I just saw the interview a couple days ago and I have already found myself repeating that and changing my course of action as a result. I plan on buying the book.

And yes, I do feel attacked because people are nitpicking every little thing I am saying without taking into consideration that ALL of my feelings stem from my fiance's treatment of me. Yes, it's wrong to take it out on the kid (which I don't do directly, as in be mean to him). But it's MY way. If my fiance wants to avoid our problems by not telling me ahead of time what is going on, than I am going to avoid the symbol of the problem and just not be around them.

But this is exactly what we are taking into account. Every single person has agreed that your fiance should treat you with respect and consideration and consult you about what happens in your (mutual) home. What you don't like are our suggestions for how to deal with it... isn't that what you came on here looking for advice about? What we don't agree with is taking it out on the kid-- indirectly or not. He is person, not a symbol of what's wrong with your relationship. And you just admitted yourself that it's wrong, so why keep doing it? And why be angry at us for saying it's wrong?

Deal with your fiance. Address your problems with your fiance. Stop making his son a "symbol of the problem".

Listen to sweeby. Fix your serious-been-going-on-for-two-years-not-getting-treated-with-respect problem before getting married.

Or just get angry at a bunch of strangers on the internet trying to help with well-meaning advice and keep doing what you've been doing.

oh, and I for one don't feel sorry for kids for no reason. I feel sorry for kids who get used as weapons in their parents relationships.

sjh-
I think what your detractors are missing is the difference between planning and asking permission.If the two of you have an evening planned: reservations, tickets bought, etc. then I can see how last minute sleepovers would be a problem. I'd say compromise with an early morning and all day Saturday type visit.If there's no plan for a given night, then go with the flow, as kids grow up much too quickly! If your FDH feels like he needs permission to have his son over to HIS house, then there's a problem.Do you ask FDH's approval before your friends come over? It isn't about SS having two homes-if he does or doesn't call it home, it's still Dad's -and your- house. He has a right to share that. If you have no BKs, then there can be a space devoted 100% to SS.(We don't have that luxury.)When and if you have BKs, try to reserve some space for SS.If you can't be or aren't wanted as a mom figure, then think of yourself like an Aunt- NOT a friend-be a responsible adult, but let the parents parent. Set rules and boundaries, like any other adult would, but let DAD know he has to be united with you! Please, encourage your FDH to spend time with his son, whenever there's no major conflict.If he spends the night, either plan something family oriented, or find something you like to do and say, "have fun, guys, see ya later!"I guess I have the opposite problem, because I just want my DH to spend more time with the SC when they are here! I want to get to know them, and do things as a family, but I also want them to feel like they get quality time with him!
He's 14? A few years from now it won't be an issue. He'll be chasing the kid for time together.
I feel compelled to respond to the honeymoon issue. My DD had never slept at anyone else's house prior to my honeymoon. His kids were only here for 6 weeks. Did we have a honeymoon? Yep. Did we take the kids? Nope.DD called 5 times a day, leaving voicemails, "what are you doing?" LOL. I called back before bedtime, and let her know we missed her and loved her. Did we spend even half as much time or money as DH and his EX did? NO. I do think it's ok to have a honeymoon, as little or as much as you can afford. It starts the marriage off as a partnership.And, if you've had any normal wedding chaos, it gives you a fresh outlook. (I needed break, for sure.)
Don't let people bully you, even BMs and BDs who have never been divorced need adult time. A few martyrs will talk about never having a day off, and being with their kids 24/7. Finances aside, it isn't healthy. It's the lack of adult time that causes so many divorces!

My exH's current wife has done what you are proposing - she has forbidden my exH to have three of our children spend the night there. They have begged him to allow them to visit, and he consistently refused, generally by offering some vague sort-of promise that maybe they could, sometime. Yes, they finally gave up. But they also pretty much gave up having a relationship with their father at all. They eat dinner with him almost every week, but really don't seem to care one way or the other whether he comes or not. If something good, or bad, were to happen, I doubt that it would occur to them to call him up to let him know. He is a virtual stranger to them and vice versa. Is that what you want for your fiance's child? More importantly, is that what your fiance and his son want?

Not to mention, just being at his son's games and practices is not at all the same as tucking him in and talking to him. At the practices and games, the son is concentrating on whatever he is playing. He is not interacting much with his father.

As usual, Sweeby has said what I am thinking. Do you plan to have children with his man, considering his lack of parenting skills?

There are multiple issues to be dealt with here, and I don't think 3 weeks can even break the shell. I'm not saying jump ship, I'm saying that if you are making a lifetime commitment THIS is what you are committing to - the situation as it stands now. By saying I do you are saying you accept things as they are. What strong motivation for change is there when the ink is already dry on the marriage license? You may think change will still come, and it may, but the urgency is gone. In a man's view you've already accepted the 'terms' of the deal so now you have to deal with them.

As for the terms of the deal - there are several to be addressed. Problems with the man and problems with your attitude toward the child.
1) You have denied many times, and I feel you believe your words, that you do feel SS is a not primary member of the family. I understand things were better before, something changed; they've gone downhill, but as a step mom and a step child reading your words I see between the lines to what you are conveying without writing it. He is a distraction from the life you pictured with this man you love. I get that - I've been there. BUT - this child is his life, convenient or not. If you have to force him into the 'picture' there is something wrong with your 'camera.' It's been said many times - this boy is your present and future as much as he is his dad's. From their perspective you are being 'forced' into their picture.
2) You can't force a child to feel at home anywhere, you are right. You can make him feel welcomed, loved, included and wanted though. He will feel how he wants about each house, but wouldn't it make you feel good to know you provide an atmosphere that he is comfortable enough in to call home? You don't get off the hook by saying 'He's not going to feel at home so sleepovers aren't needed.' That's HIS call. Respect him enough to let him decide where his comfort level is. If at 12 he doesn't want them any more as you did so be it.
3) You can not EVER be the judge of what time FDH and FSS need together. Every relationship is different and there is no set rule to what a person 'needs.' It sounds like FDH would like to have every day with his child, so how can anything less than that be enough for him? Just because you find it sufficient doesn't mean they do. To try to put restrictions on that is only asking from resentment from them both.

Now the man ~

1) COMMUNICATION. You just need some, and fast. I think communication levels stem from respect levels, so this is a huge red flag to me. Time to find out why his respect for you has lessened so drastically. What happened in his mind . . . or is it once he 'won you over' his true colors came out? I think you need to know this before you say I Do.
2) He is disrespectful, no two ways about it. You have every right to be involved in the planning of your household. There is no reason he couldn't call you to say 'DS has a game tonight. Do we have plans - I'd like to go. Would you like to come along?" Perhaps a solution for this would be to get a schedule from the coach for the season and put it on the fridge. Better yet, get a calendar and put them on there. Then also put the nights you have book club, or dinner with Sue and Joe. Then if you have a conflict, it's time for the compromising Ceph outlined.
3) Disneyland Dad. That's gotta stop. I know before my DH got custody we both had a tendency to try to have all good times, but that's just not realistic. All it does is set a child up with an unrealistic expectation of life. What about if you two have a child? How will he discipline that kid and not his son? This will open up a can of worms you won't want to deal with. I would think long and hard about this before even considering children with him.
4) He will have to give his ex some 'say' as to what happens in your house as she has custody and the final say since there is not formal parenting plan. This does not mean FDH can't put in his own 2 cents as well, but I'm here to tell you that this is unavoidable. She will be a part of your life and its best you come to terms with that now. Even as the wife of the CP who has raised my SD since she was 5 we bend and twist around the ex. Your gut twists too, but you learn to cope. . . . or you don't and it eats you up. Their family may be gone as you said, but their mutual obligation to their son isn't.
5) Time off with son. This is a hard one as I go both ways. I don't think FDH should be told he can't take time off with his son, but I also understand you are excited about this marriage and want to celebrate that on a honeymoon with your new husband. Perhaps if cash is such an issue now you take a mini honeymoon for half the planned time and then do something with FSS for a day or two> In a year when the finances settle down take a honeymoon for your first anniversary. I understand YOU want this trip, but what does FDH want? Compromise . . .

Whew. Time to get back to work. Food for thought . . . .

SJH, let me ask you a question. Would you be comfortable with printing off your posts here (and the unedited version) and showing them to FDH?

If so, what do you think his response would be?

There's a difference between venting anonymously, and what you'd say to your SO's face, no?

Do you think the she is just venting? I don't.

Well, I hope she remembers she loves her FDH before she says anything she can't take back! Even angry with DH I hold back the meaner thoughts that pop into my mind,ones that come from jealousy or insecurity more than fact, and if I were to share them online, I'd feel horrid if he read them!

OP, I read through about half of the posts before I said enough was enough. here are my 2c...

1. I think you should put the wedding on hold.
2. Take a step back and decide why it is you are with FDH.

Everything that I have read so far from you has been using a lot of "my" "me" "I" statements. This gives me the impression that you are hurt by the situation and are defensive. You mention the exwife a lot and that you dont think she should have a say over you. I agree and disagree with this. When it comes to their son, her say should always come before yours (as long as it is in the best interest of the child) and when it comes to your home it should not. The only time that there should be any compromise is when it invovles the SS at your home and this is where FDH comes into play.

It seems as though your anger is directed at this child and I get the impression that you are looking to replace his 'past'. I just need to say, you can not replace a child. When you get into a relationship with a man who already has a child, you are getting into a relationship with that man AND the child.

Here are some guidelines that may help.
1. If you can't stand the child, don't marry the man.
2. If you resent the time the man spends with the child, don't marry the man.
3. If you have ANY type of jealousy towards the child or exwife, don't marry the man.
4. If you and the man can not work out a set of base rules regarding the parenting of the child, don't marry the man.

Following these rules will make your life happier because it will avoid a divorce.

I have to admit, reading your posts made me very angry because I am just getting to know my SD and felt so guilty about feelings of doubt and confusion that I had at first. Now that I have gotten to know her a little more, I think she is a wonderful girl and that my life is better because of her. Reading your post makes me feel like you want nothing to do with this child and you are just looking for ways to push him out of your house.

Just a couple more thoughts.
There is more to being a parent than being a chauffer, which sounds like all your FDH is doing right now.
There is an incredible bonding time that happens when step children sleep over, I am sorry you did not have this with your father but that does NOT give you the right to rob your FSS of this. Because your father did not have this with you, you have decided that this is not bonding time, but I asure you it is... How else do you explain the bond between parents who work full time and children who are in daycare/school full time? All of their time spend together is in the evening and on weekends.
I think that you are being an extreemly selfish person by trying to wedge yourself into a position inbetween FDH and FSS. You have already built up so much negative energy around this situation that I am not sure you can fix it. Like I said earlier I don't think you should get married, it will only hurt FDH's relationship with FSS more and they do not deserve that.

Midwestmommy just said some very wise, fair things in a very clear and succinct way:

-ex-wife's son = ex-wife's say; SM's house = SM's say; and where these two converge (inevitably) = COMPROMISE. (And of course this requires FDH's input/involvement every step of the way.) Very well-put, very fair. This requires skills in compromise: worth learning!

-the guidelines/self-questioning she proposed that everyone should consider before marrying someone with kids are focused, clear and your answers to them will tell you what you need to do. This requires the ability to ask yourself questions and face those less-than-pretty parts we ALL have in our psyches, but the payoff is a happy life for everyone involved, based on honestly well-thought-out decisions.

And one more thought I will add. It has to do with the "strong foundation"/"marriage comes first" thing. I think, like so many other catch-phrases and doctrines, this is a great idea IN THEORY, **IF** everyone's intentions are pure & unselfish and **IF** the partners in the marriage are compatible with each other, have the child's best interests at heart and only put him in a VERY CLOSE second. Otherwise, it's too easy to use "strong foundation"/"the marriage comes first" to suit selfish purposes and/or as a power play resulting from a need to establish supremacy not for the greater good of the family but for one's ego. Only you in your heart can know the difference, and the real truth about if you're ready to apply that mind-set in a positive way where EVERYONE benefits. So far, it doesn't sound like you are, and I'm not trying to be mean about that but just blunt. To spare your FDH, SS and ***YOU*** years and layers of pain. My philosphy is a combo of "people don't generally change" AND "with enough self-awareness, people can evolve". So in a nutshell: "people don't change WITHOUT self-awareness". If you and FDH are both ready to be self-aware and reassess some things with each other to the point where you are on more-or-less "the same page" and both have EVERYONE's interests at heart, then you CAN work this out. But it will take time and hard work; more love and less ego, all around.

SJH-

I will just say this. You do not sound ready for the reality of step-parenting. I think it would benefit your fiance and yourself to take some more time to talk things out. You can love a man with all your heart and have the bestest intentions but if you two don't start out on the right foot and a solid foundation....youre wasting your time.

Honeymoons are nice. So is free time. Fridays out with the girls. New clothes. Hair cuts in ACTUAL salons. Being able to pee without kids in the bathroom....exc. exc. I havent been able to do any of these things because the man I love and married is the primary custodian of his twin daughters (4 years)and mama is, well...she's questionable to say the least. I think the difference with you and I is I love the girls. They are my family. Thats how I have gotten through.

Judging from some of the things you have said I just cant be sure youll ever feel this way for your fiances son. I know you keep saying its just THIS issue and normally things are fine but I hear so much animosity towards the child. This is what worries me. I am guessing there is alot of jealousy here. You feel like you will ALWAYS be second fiddle to his past life. I bet you have thought "If I had a child would my child always be #2?" Right? Right?

These things need to be put out on a table and discussed in great depth before you commit. I dont think it is JUST this honeymoon thing that is bugging you. I am almost positive this son as #1 thing has been bugging you for awhile. Marriages are greatly important and if my husband and I werent as tight as we are, the girls wouldnt be near as happy. My worry is however, that in your case, the happiness of the child doesnt even come into play.

There is no time clock to punch in parenting honey. You cant say youve done your time for today. This will applt to you as well once you have become this little boys step mother....can you handle it?

Doodleboo, Did you get married in the last few weeks? Congrats!Was looking at some older posts from March, and you were calling your husband your BF....

I know but we did the court house thing. HAHAHA. We have way too much going on for the formal wedding. That doesnt make a marriage anyway though does it:) Thanks for the congrats!

We are very happy despite the drama we are all going through at the moment. Its probably good we got married before all this with mom boiled to a head. Its much better court wise to be living with a wife and not just a GF. That is NOT why we got married.....we got hitched exactly two weeks before the whole domestic fiasco. We had been dating for two years prior.