I didnt say you had to never be around her again! Just once and a while it wouldnt hurt to give them some alone time.
Doesnt have to be all day,maybe just an hour. Their time together is very limited,so it would be nice if once and a while they could bond on a one on one basis.
There is no reason why you should left out all the time or even frequently.
Even my own daughter and my husband have what they call "Father/daughter day" which is always on sundays. They let me sleep in while they go and do something special together~like shopping or a festival. They come home appreciating each more. They are only gone a short period,but it is the fact that they are alone that counts.

Do not misunderstand what I'am saying. You absolutely should be included. But it wouldnt hurt to every now and then just to give them a hour or so to be alone.
When my husband's other girls come to town we all do stuff together as a family. But then he'll take them to a movie or something without me being there.I think it makes them feel more special to have to the ONE ON ONE time.

And,it HAS worked for me after almost 11 years of marriage.So that is why I feel my advice may help.

Thats ok, I did ask for advice didnt I? I asked my boyfriend today if he thought it would be better if I went somewhere else so that he could have 1 on 1 time with abby and he answered me like I was crazy, he was like no way, I like having you here with us, we're a family. But I found out today that whenever abby goes home she gets grilled about me, what I did today, what I said to her, if I bought her anything(I spoil her a little, just a little, ok, I lied I spoil her alot, everytime I walk into the store I pretty much cant leave without buying a little something for her, I dont spend too much though). Abby also told me a little story today,and I dont knwo how true it is but it makes me wonder......She said that mommy yelled at her for jumping on her bed and took her tv out of her room and all of her otehr things and then she took her to her mothers house to spend the night and that she spends the night there every night that her nanny comes to pick her up and she spends the night there. Her mother just had a baby, her sister is only like less than a month old. Abby also said that she spends the night at her aunts house alot....so I dont know what is going on there.... Anyway, she also told me that she holds her baby sister and she squirms alot while mommy smokes a cigarette, and I asked, oh mommy smokes again, cause she smoked before she got pregnant and stopped for the pregnancy but apparantly has started again. SO I asked, does she smoke in front of you and she said yeah and I asked does she smoke in the car while the baby is in there and you are and she said yeah, but idk how true it is but why wouldnt she defend her mom??? She says her mom always yells at her and is always mad at her. So something odd is going on with her. But now I do know she feels threatened by me somehow because for a while now she has been trying to like outdo me. I put nailpolish on abby's nails and she said mommy wouldnt let her, but I asked my boyfriend if it was ok and he said yes. SO soon after this, she started coming over with a different color on or no color, and once we dropped abby off and she said so I could hear, I got you nailpolish abby, and took it out of the car and started to shake it so I could see,.......anyway thats just one example. So I dont know what her deal is.

I think Abby's mom is afraid of losing her position and therefore manipulating Abby to treat you differently. She might even have the postpartum depression thing going on, and therefore feeling insecure.

hotgurl225, I agree with choppymom...she is manipulating Abby. Since she is so young and you definitely plan on being in her life...you need to talk to this little girl continuously. SHe is so young and right now she will be honest with and tell you things because she does not know the difference. As long as you keep this closeness between you, it will be a little harder for the bio mom to drive a wedge....oh she will try as she gets older and you may think it is working! Just never put her mother down and then she will see you are sincere about how you feel about her. She will figure it out in time. If her mother says something bad about you - talk to the little girl about it....let her know it is not true. You can still do this without degrading her mother - I know it is hard not to - but you will be successful in the end. This is what my husband and I did not do with my SS's - now they are 24 and 15, it is too late....damage is done. We did not defend outselves and they did not hear our side - my husband thought if he told them different that means he is putting their mom down...that is the furthest thing from the truth...he told me wishes he had defended himself.

That is how it seems to me. But thats just the thing, I havent been trying to be a mother to her, so idk where she would get that idea from. Do you guys think that one day she will realize what her mom is doing and resent her? Not that I want that to happen, but i also want to be there for her when and if it does. If I just stand back and like you say not say bad things, which I dont anyway, but if provoked enough probably could. But the thing is I dont even know her very well. Just what I hear from abby. So what can I really say? I agree about sticking up for myself, but then again I feel liek I am being just like her mother if I constantly ask questions and badger her....I dont think it is right that her mother does it so why should I sort of thing...anyway, no one really said anything bad about her smoking in the car with kids in there, to me, I smoke to but never around abby, she actually does not even know I smoke. I just think thats horrible for their health, and could be a form of abuse, especially for an infant. abby also saying she spends the night alot at her nannys and aunts. I dont think thats right because she wont even let abby spend the night at our hosue but it seems like she cannot even handle having two children around, so why doesnt she let abby come over and stay with us more often?????? I just dont get it. and if she cant handle having one child why did she just go and have another....

It doesnt seem right that the mom is dumping her kids alot with the aunt and grandmother and wont even let her spend the night with you guys. If your boyfriend pays any kind of child support he can dispute this fact.
I know moms who dump their kids with anyone they can find who will take them and it makes me sick. You are absolutely right~if they cant handle one,why have another? Maybe cause they are too stupid to use birth control.

I know, it seems kind of screwed up that she wont let us have abby more but she passes her off to her mother and aunt. She is out of work now with the baby and all, and we usually pick her up at abbys grandmothers house, cause she would be at work, so I thought, now that she is home we would have to go to her apartment adn get her, but no we still pick her up at her grandmothers.....Also, she only lives in a 2 bedroom, very small apartment with the two kids and her and her boyfriend, I've been in there and its small. WE have a three bedroom apartment and a room for abby. At times I wonder if I should call CPS or if I should have someone else do it. I dont know if I would have substancial evidence that she would be better off here. I dont want to take the chance of pissing off the boyfriend either because he cant handle stress well. He has alot with all thats going on with his family and my family and on top of that I give him stress about things I shouldnt and Abbys mother gives him stress. I dont know, I just really love abby and I feel liek I could be a good example, my boyfriend said to me yesterday that abby looks up to me cause I asked him if maybe it would be better if I let him and abby spend some aloen time together, that maybe if Im not in the picture abbys mother would stop asking so many questions and abby wouldnt have that to worry about and he said, no you belong here, and dont let her immaturity and jealousy stop you from enjoying the time we spend together, but I care more about abbys well-being. Its just funny how abbys mother said to me on the phone hysterically, about when abby "told her" I wanted her to call me stepmom how she doesnt want her child to be screwed up thinking I am gonna stay aroudn and then something happens to me and my boyfriend. But I know nothing will happen because we love and trust each other. So thats just ironic because she is really the one who is gonna screw her up. I just wonder, maybe she does still have feelings about my boyfriend and hates that she gave him up. Cause they were engaged to be married and everything and then she just up and left and maybe now that she sees how he is with me and how he makes all these sacrifices for me that he never made for her because she was never around and well he says they didnt have alot of the same interests like him and I do and they kind of each did their own thing and him and I do pretty much everything together. I dont know. I just dont want abby to be screwed up.

If you really felt she was neglected,you COULD call CPS,but it is my opinion that unless it is severe they do nothing. I have known people who have had them called on them and all they do is call the person and go to their house and talk to them.
You tell CPS your name,but they do not tell the person who called on them. Still,she'd probably figure it out.
It sounds like she must still want your boyfriend or something. I cant imagine why she would be so rude to you when she hardly knows you otherwise.
I mean,for me it always started out polite with my husband's exes and THEN got bad when we got to know each other. To this day I only can get along with one of them (there are only two)

Gosh, who knows what the ex's motives are. Abby is lucky to have you in her life! It is so great that her dad has a girlfriend who is so crazy about her. It's too bad that you can't talk your boyfriend into fighting the ex for custody. If what you have heard from Abby is true, you may have a pretty good chance of winning custody. Also, it is silly, that the ex would not want Abby to call you stepmom. It is obvious that you have been around for awhile...regardless of what Abby is calling you, that you will be around for awhile. You have been in Abby's life for 3 years, I'm sure that Abby expects you to be in this for the long haul, whether she calls you mommy, stepmom, hotgurl or whatever.

LOL Raek @ Abby calling her hotgurl...

Thanks guys, the advice has helped alot. Maybe once abby gets older things will smooth out but even my boyfriend said that if she keeps it up he will go for full custody. So we will see, he was just mad when he said that but i dont even know if he could handle have a child around the house, its tough work, but abby takes to him better than he takes to his mother, when abby was a baby she would not go to sleep for her mother but if my boyfriend put her to bed she would go, so there must be a better connection there, maybe her motehr knows that and that is why she keeps sending her off to her family members to watch her.. I just dont think it is good for abby to be away from her baby sister and be around old people constantly. I wish she would just call us and ask us if we could take her cause she has something to do, or maybe she does not want us to know she cannot handle it? I dont know. My boyfriends sister said its not me, that she is just trying to get back at my boyfriend, but who really knows?

Another thing I wanted to mention is if I call CPS wont they come to our house and look around, cause I am sure that abbys mother could say its not her, its us? Cause when they went to court, she has a lawyer and they all came and attacked my boyfriend when he was alone and said we dont feed abby and that she doesnt know me....WE feed abby, like I said we always sit down for dinner, she is a very picky eater but seh drinks alot of fluids, so we try to get her to eat as much as possible but we cannot force it down her throat, ya know, so we let her drink alot to make up for the little food she eats. So when they come here I dont know how picky they will be, we dont have a godo bed for her, we have one from when she was little, and I dont want to get a bigger one because what is the sense of spending all that money on a bed when abby doesnt even spend the night? My house is very nice and I always keep up with the tidying but I dont know, I guess I would just feel weird with people in my house. I also cannot convince my boyfriend to go back to court because he says because she has a lawyer, without him having one its harder to get anything because she has more power with the lawyer, which is somewhat true because she is the reason we only get abby every Thursday for three hours and every other Saturday for 6 hours beause that is the only time she is able to allow abby to come here......yet she keeps dumping her at her mothers..... I just wish I could get him to go back to court, I have tried to tell him that he doesnt need a lawyer and he should tell the judge about all the things she has done in the past, but who will they believe...ya know? I also thought that maybe I could call the legal guardian and tell him/her what has been going on and what abby tells me and then maybe we could all sit down and talk it over, but then someoen told me since I am not abbys mother, they probably will not listen to me or even talk to me....and also because I am not married to her father. What do you guys think?

I'm not sure how expensive it would be, or what your financial situation is, but maybe you could hire a private investigator to document the amout of time that Abby spends with relatives instead of with her mother. Also, I think your boyfriend is right. He does probably need a lawyer. I know that is also expensive, but it may be worth the price when it comes to Abby's wellbeing.

Hotgurl,my daughter used to do the same thing with drinks. You need to cut out the drinks more so she'll have more of an appetite.If she's filling up on fluids,she will not be hungry.
CPS will NOT come to your house if the complaint is about HER.You may have to know her address and stuff though.

We will have to try that, but I think they might feed her right before she comes here so that they can say that she is not being fed. Who knows. Yeah, at this time, we do not have the money to do all that, I would love to but we are both young and I only make a little over $8 an hour. We both have car loans to pay, rent, car insurance(which is high because Im young) and all other utilities. Although, once I am done with college I can get a better paying job, then that is my intention.

Your boyfriend has to be the one to step up to the plate and get more time with Abby. Every father has the right to do that, this is why we have a legal system. As far as Abby's mother is concerned, she is jealous and vindictive and very immature and does not have the little one's best interests at heart here. You sound like a very loving and mature woman and I commend you for this. There are not very many people as accepting of children as you are.
Keep a watchful eye out for Abby and pay attention to what she says. Her safety is the most important thing here. Abby's father depending on the state can get some type of help from the court like getting fees waived and things like that if he wants to go and file papers. Keep track of everything that Abby's mother does and keep track of dates so that if you all need it when you go to court you will have it.
Lastly, the best thing you can do is support your boyfriend and give Abby as much love as possible when she is at your home, other than that if she is not in any danger, you have to keep out of it. Hope this helps.

All of the things everyone said has helped alot. Thank you so much. I will keep you guys posted if anything new should arise/ which I am sure that it will. I did ask my boyfriend about what abby has said and he just said he doesnt know whats wrong with his ex. And that he does want more time with abby. I dont know, I dont think he is mature enough yet either. But thanks again everyone.

Well this time it was my mistake, Abby told me that she was not wearing underpants and I didnt look but I should have then I called her mother up at home but she did not answer so I thought I was scott free but then she called my cell phone from a private number and it didnt even show up on my phone that it was private so I answered and she wanted to know why I called so I told her Abby told me she wasnt wearing any underpants and I didnt look but why would she say that and she was like let me talk to Abby. SO she asked abby why she told me that and she was all shy and wouldnt answer and then she got back on the phone with me and said look is she wearing any and I looked and she was and then she said well next time you might want to look before you call me and hung up. THen she called back and wanted to talk to my boyfriend and asked him why he didnt know about this and why it was ok for me to call her but she cant talk to me about things. So he told her it was done behind his back and he didnt even hear Abby say it. So now I feel stupid and my boyfriend was mad at me for a little bit but he got over it. Cause I said to him, well now she knows how it feels to get called and accused of something that you dont even do. SO I dont know, was I wrong to do that? I just get so sick and tired of Abby telling me all these horrible things and then her calling me telling me abby tells her things about us that arent true. Did I just break? I know I should have told him before I called but Im just sick of him not doing anything about what abby tells us. But I know its not my place. What should I do?

I dont think you are WRONG for wanting to know what was going on...the question is,WHY would ABBY say that if it was not true? Attention? Because something else is going on?
I dont think your BF should be mad because he wasnt dealing with the problems as you said.
It will blow over,it doesnt sound like it was a huge deal.

No, its not a huge deal and he just thinks that I should have told him first. He just didnt want to deal with her after all was said and done. She is being stupid again though,we had her again today, on an off weekend and I didnt have to work, but I work every other weekend. This was supposed to be my weekend to work. So anyway, now she wants to switch weekends, when we have her next weekend instead of this weekend and he told her today that it is not working out and she was like well I dont know what to tell you, and he said well I want to keep taking her on the weekend I was taking her because on the off weekend I have training so she jsut looked at him dumbfoundly and said well I dont know. So now he doesnt know what to do, if he should go and pick her up on the chance she will let him have her or bring a court order(can he even get one that quickly) so that she cant say no.....God, I wish this was easier...

Yeah,really what he NEEDS is a court order saying when he definitely has visitation,so she just cant keep jerking him around. I think it takes a while though,so he should look into it right away.

Okay first things first involving visitation... If there is not a current order in effect your boyfriend NEEDS to have one established... Unless either of you have prior abuse records it is unlikely that the judge will not award overnight visits. Take the high road, always no matter what refuse to argue with her... be nice smile and be polite. Once there is a visitation order in effect stick to it... ANY time she denies your boyfriend his over night visits, document it. After awhile if it is a continuous thing take it back to court.. MANY cases right now custody is being over turned.. and the Non-custodial parent has been granted custody of the child when they can prove that the other parent is actively trying to hinder a proper relationship between the parent and child. With that said I will not lecture you on the whole "You are to young" issue. As I feel age is not so much a factor as maturity. I have met many young stepmoms that do a wonderful job and have met some older ones that NEVER should be allowed around any children! Keep moving forward and supporting your boyfriend. Best of luck to you.

Well, its been a while but things have pretty much remained the same except that I am now married, and my husband is in the Army. He told his daughter's BM 2 months ahead of time and all she had to say was, so your just gonna leave me here to take care of her? And he said no, he wanted to work something out so that she could come spend the summers with him, wherever that may be. So he left for his basic training and AIT which was from August to February. Before hand he tried to go to court for visitation and she tried to get out of it knowing he was leaving by saying she couldnt get out of work, so they supposedly worked something out with the law guardian and he was going to write it up and them both sign it then get it signed by a Judge. That never happened. Anyway while at training he was not allowed to use his cell phone but maybe once in a while. When I got his address the beginning of Sept after not hearing from him in 3 weeks, I called his daughters grandmother( BM side) to give her the address since she is the one who takes care of both babies since the Abby's BM works 2 hours away and is never home. She said she would have Abby write something on a card and send it, also accidently found out that BM had moved, so, obviously when they went to court right before he left for training, she knew she was moving, its not like something you pack your stuff up and in a week are in another apartment, its planned out for a while, so to me it seemed that she was moving at a convenient time, if you know what I mean. The next day the grandma called me to tell me I should call the BM bc she is just the grandmother and she has no right to do anything. Its up to her mother, so I asked for her number and tried to call her. She never answered(she claims she doesnt have my number but she does) So after searching for her so I could tell my husband where his daughter is, his sister called and asked to see Abby, surprisingly she let her see her and told her the address. BINGO, Im a genious. So I could tell my husband where his daughter was. So anyway, his sister goes and visits, its short, and she said BM was telling Abby to get the baby a bottle and this and that and was acting very nervous. His sister asked if I could see her and she said absolutely not, there was no way bc I play too many games. So whatever, I got frustrated, I didnt think it was fair that I would have to go all that time without seeing Abby just bc her father was gone, I was in her life this long. So I merged up the courage to call her and I asked her why I couldnt see Abby and immediately she started ranting and raving about how Abby comes home telling her we say we wish her dead and we hate her, blah blah blah. So I asked her to stop yelling at me, and said Abby says plenty about you and your boyfriend too and I take it with a grain of salt, She is 4 years old. I asked her if we could meet in person, I didnt want to fight over the phone, it was childish. So she fought with me about that too, OH Im too busy I work all the time, so I told her tell me a time tell me a place and I will be there. So she did. WE met not too long afterwards and she couldnt look me in the face, I looked her straight in the eye when I spoke to her. I told her that her father and I were married and that I wasnt going away so I didnt see why we just couldnt get along. She fumed and said how she was happy we were moving, the farther way the better and that we should start out own family and leave Abby out of it. I said well thats not going to happen. She brought up the abby coming home saying we wished her dead, and I said well gee I remember not too long ago you going to his work and saying that same exact thing to him, so where do you think that is coming from cause i dont talk like that, i wouldnt wish death upon anyone. She got all snoddy and said that Abby wasnt going anywhere and that she couldnt wait until we left. So I just gave up, there was no talking to her. More was said but I cant remember it all, I was too upset. So there was no way I could see her. Anyway, my husband tried calling when he could, he wasnt allowed to use his phone but maybe once a week for 5 min at the most. When he came home for christmas break, we saw her the day he came home but then she pulled her crap again and thats all we have seen of her since. We were supposed to have her Xmas eve and she never said when, so my husband was going to wait until i got off wrok since I got presents for her......and then she called me at work looking for Kris saying Abby has been waiting all day for her father and she had been calling him all day. So I called my husband and he had only gotten 2 calls and one message saying that he only had an hour to see his daughter and if not he wouldnt see her at all. So our Christmas got ruined and Abby still has not gotten her presents. When my husband finished his training in Feb he came home with enough time to pack our stuff and leave, he called the day before we were gonna leave and BM wasnt there, he told her mother to have her call him didnt matter what time he was leaving and wanted to see his daughter. She called back at midnight and said Abby was busy. So, what can you do? We havent seen her since middle of Dec. He has tried calling and thats what we get....she isnt home, and doenst call back. I sent her a package for her birthday and had it so she had to sign for it, and she didnt......SO I guess she is trying her best to push us out of Abby's life. There isnt much we can do from 1000 miles away. My husband is supposed to be deployed soon and so there goes another year or 15 months that we miss out on his daughter's life. My mother-in-law is going for visitation and she is pushing for that not to happen too. Saying how she was not involved in Abby's life why now? And of course she was, she just cant be now bc her son isnt here to bring her granddaughter around anymore. Idk what to do anymore, I feel so lost.....

First, Dad dropped the ball here. Mediation doesn't just go away just because. He needed to finish what he started with BM. Otherwise, she has to do nothing in the situation.

Two, I would seriously evaluate your role in the deteriorating situation. BM does not have to take Abby to see you, the fact that she did shows a lot of character. You cannot control anything here and an over-stepping stepparent can do a lot more harm than good.

My suggestion, back off, support your husband and encourage him to go through the courts to establish visitation, child support and start helping smooth out a relationship with BM. Check all of your ego's at the door.

He cant finish what he started, what part of he is in the Army and lives 1,000 miles away dont you get? I have done nothing wrong, she wouldnt let me see Abby, she has no character. I am not trying to control anything, I WAS TRYING TO COME TO A POINT WHERE WE COULD GET ALONG. I understand that I overstepped but I did it for a good reason, not to start trouble, Abby loves me and made the point that she wanted to see me while her father was gone. I guess I didnt explain the situation the best I could. I have backed off, there is nothing either of us can do now. He cant go to court unless we are in the state that his daughter is and WE ARE NOT, and we wont ever be for long enough to go through the courts, that takes forever. What no one understands is she made it clear that she is happy we are gone and she has no intention of trying to make amends. She hates my husband and there is no way to smooth over the relationship..... And anyway, as a stepmother I do have rights, I wish people could see that.....

Your husband has had, what 4 years to establish visitation? Give me a break. He chose to go into the Army, there isn't a draft in place right now. In any case, since he chose he had plenty of time to get his affairs in order. Quit playing the victim game.

You are bashing a Mom who is parenting child full time.

"WE met not too long afterwards and she couldnt look me in the face, I looked her straight in the eye when I spoke to her. I told her that her father and I were married and that I wasnt going away so I didnt see why we just couldnt get along."

So you did get to see her without Dad. Just to let you know, a Judge would not make Mom take Abby to see you. You took a gift from BM and decided to bash it. This shows your immaturity level. Additionally, you tried to trump her with explaining your role as wife. You don't think she gets it already?

Get over yourself. This is not about you. Dad needs to step up, pony up some time and money file for visitation and child support. If he can't do that, than this is what you are going to get. Many NCP's who do not file for visitation have not had a BM give any time with the children. Consider your DH lucky for what he has gotten and you should be very lucky as a Legal Stranger that Mom was willing to meet you with Abby.

This isn't meant to be harsh, but it is what it is. You are complaining about something and it has been going on for so long and Dad has done nothing about it. This isn't Mom's issue, she can do anything she wants right now.

giggle is right, Dad needs to follow through with establishing his rights to visitation. If it's so important, he'd get it done... no matter the distance. I've filed papers with the court for people out of state. You don't have to go there to file for a hearing. As for mediation, they will usually work around your schedule when you live far away. Sometimes, they will even allow telephonic interviews or court appearances. That's something that you have to request & arrange ahead of time if they allow it, but it's something to look into. He could also hire an attorney in the state where the child lives to represent him in getting an order. If he's not paying child support, he should. (whether it's ordered or not!)

I detect a lot of hostility from your tone, towards the mother of this child and if I were the mom and you came to me an got in my face and told me that, I'd dig my heels in even harder to keep my child from you. Telling someone that your here, like it or not, deal with it, is not the way to make nice.

I think your all being a little hard on the poster. She just wanted to see her sd even though her dh was out of state in the army. Don't think that was a ridiculous request.

And it seems like the bm is trying to cut dad out of daughters life by allowing him limited visitation in the first place.

IF dad really wants to be a part of his daughters life he needs to contact lawyers in his daughters state and see how to proceed with getting a visitation order.

I don't think so, I'm being realistic. If she wants yes man all around her, well we've all seen what happened to Tom Cruise the past couple years.

It would also be different if this was a fresh post, but it looks this has been going on years. 4 years is a hell of a long time to keep complaining that BM doesn't allow visitation when Dad apparently hasn't even tried to legalize it.

Also, as Ima pointed out her posts are full of vitriol towards BM. Not indicative of someone trying to smooth anyone over for the poor child.

Anyway, I think it is more helpful to point out all of the dynamics in the situation than to say "Go file for visitation." Otherwise, she'll keep on making problems and then sitting back and complain that BM is keeping the child away. Maybe she'll see our posts and think about it.

So, yes harsh. Unneeded? No. I work with these kind of situations every day. Sometimes people need to be told the truth without the prettiness to get somewhere.

I think it's great that she wants to see the child and if she has a relationship with the child, I think the BM should put her own feelings aside and think of what's best for her child. But, just from the hostile tone OP has toward BM, I can understand why she would resist. They both sound a little immature and it really is up to the father to establish his rights. If he gets an order that the child is visiting on specific times, even if he is active duty, then SM will still get to spend time with the child. If you are relying on BM's good will to just allow it because you want (or even because the child wants), then I wouldn't get in her face and be pushy about it. I'd probably bake her some cookies and be reeeeaaaaaly sweet. I might even beg, but I wouldn't say "I'm not going away... deal with it!" That's just bad PR.

If she wouldn't look you in the eye, it could be because she feels intimidated by you. When you look her straight in the eye when you talk to her, it may have caused her to feel even more threatened. It's a mother's instinct to protect our child and when you feel someone else is moving in to take over, it's only natural to want to protect her child.

and mom2emall,

BM may feel that dad & new SM want to take her child and be a family without HER. I'm guessing she's young & thinks it would all be a lot easier for him to go away & make a new family with his wife and she won't have to deal with visitation orders and sharing her child. BM needs to realize that she is trying to deprive her child of her father, not the other way around. That's why I think BM is being immature. OP is being immature if she thinks she's going about it the right way to get BM to see it her way.

The thing is, that BM doesn't have to do ~anything~ in this situation.

To complain that she is not doing certain things to the OP's liking while BM is doing the lions share of raising the child is beyond incomprehensible.

Where is Dad in all of this? Why is OP even calling BM under shaky conditions? Is he even paying CS or paying an appropriate amount?

This is the biggest mistake I see SP's making. Trying to be the involved one and overstepping. Not in cases where the SP is the full time parental figure, mind you. The very essence of the attitude that this OP has displayed that BM needs to do anything or even communicate is absurd and "overstepping" big time. I can't stress enough to clients that this is a big no-no. Mind your place, find some humility and support your spouse. Your very presence only disturbs the situation, and only over time and being understanding will your presence ever help.

****disclaimer -- this is not in reference to the stepparents who actively take a parenting role on a day to day basis.

Im not going to say anything further because you all seem so narrowminded and no matter what I say you are going to see me and my husband as the bad guys when we are the ones suffering. Does anyone know how to delete forums or just the whole profiles off of here??

hotgurl,
I know you and your husband are suffering because you have honestly tried to be part of Sd life. One of many SM here on this forum that cares for their skids and try to be part of their lives.
But lets look at reality.
1. You have a BM who is doing everythign in her power to segregate Abbey from your lives.
2. Your husband didn't established visitation before he went to the army and now doens't have the time or place to do this. And only he , as her father can legally set this straight.
3. The situation has turned for the BM favor. Your DH is in the army and this makes visitation difficult.
4. Because of the distance, she can cut you both off easily.
5. Because of the distance, the army and no visitation legally set, You as a Stepmother, wife of your husband, has no legal rights to see Abbey.
You cannot force BM to bring her to you.I know how much you love her but in these circumstances your hands are tied.
Its up to your husband to change it but he cannot because of his involvment in the Army. So , you are in pain. BUt you have to come to the realization that this pain will not go away unless the circumstances change.
1. For you to live closer to SD
2. For his to leave the Army or finish duty
If those two points do not change , you will not see Sd. Your husband will have to go to court to finalize visitation.

hotgurl,

You are proving my point. Step back and think about this logically. This is not about you. You are not suffering. Abby is being deprived of her father. Quit the victim thinking that it is about you, you and you.

Act in the best interests of the child. Ask yourself since Abby is so important, why you can't realize that BM is as well and treat her that way.

If you want something from someone, what is the best way to go about it? Is it to try to make them feel small or bad about themself? No. You tried it that way and look at where you are now.

You and DH can keep claiming you are suffering and keep doing what you've been doing over and over and over again for years. Go ahead, look at where that has gotten you.

Or you can read some posts that aren't sugary and sweet and don't bash BM, but they are full of useful information to YOU and you and DH might actually get somewhere.

Your choice.

Try rephrasing your request in terms of why it's in Abby's best interests to remain involved with you --

- That Daddy will be coming back from Iraq and wants to be part of her life, and that when Abby is back to visiting Daddy again, wouldn't it be better for her if she were already more comfortable with you?

- That once upon a time, you were an important part of Abby's life, and that with both Daddy and you completely ABSENT, Abby is probably wondering why you don't love her anymore, and that's got to be traumatic and damaging for her. And that girls with abandonment issues frequently act out in ways that result in early pregnancies.

- That as a single mom, you know she's got her hands full, and that having a caring adult who is willing to lend a hand with free babysitting might actually make her life easier.

You might want to try that --
And if it doesn't work, then sorry -- you will have to back off.
Because BioMom had ALL of the legal cards.

DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO DELETE THIS FORUM OFF OF HERE? Gigglemonster, SHUT UP. You have no clue what you are talking about, you have no clue at all, just SHUT UP. I dont care about your opinion and frankly you are just pissing me off.

It may not be what you want to hear, but you asked for good advice. You've received plenty of good advice and you are only demonstrating your maturity level when your answer is to delete the forum when you don't hear what you want to. (like a tantrum) If you want to hear that BM is evil and you deserve 'rights', then go talk to a friend that will support what you want to hear/do. If you want honest opinions, that's pretty much what you've got here.

Giggle is right that regardless of yours or your husbands pain, it is the child's right to see her father. It is the child's right to have as many people in her life to love her and that would include YOU. But those rights have not been established and you can't establish them, your husband has to. That can be done through a lawyer and the courts accept papers by mail.

Sweeby also added what I would have said, that you'd probably get better results by being nice to her. Instead of making it about your pain and how she's mean for not letting you see her child, if you make it about the child and her. Saying that you'd love to help her out by watching her child a weekend here or there or whatever... that you care about her and her daughter and are willing to do whatever you can to help her out.

She's the mom and everyone that says she's holding the cards right now because you don't have a legal leg to stand on is right. If you don't respect that she's the mom and make her comfortable with handing her child over to you, then she will continue to try and keep the child as far away from you as she can. And until your husband comes back and establishes his rights, that could be a very long time. I think it's a shame if you really care for this child, for her mom to keep her away, but you really do need to play by HER rules. Whether you like it or not, that's the way it is. She may be wrong, but she's holding the cards.

Sorry, You can't delete a forum, thread or post. It's here forever. Unfortunately.

No, you cannot delete the forum. Not sure about the thread though.

Yes, I do have a clue. I actually have an education and a job that deals in exactly these type of situations. Like I said before, if you want to keep swimming in circles...have at it.

If you act this way in real life, I see exactly why BM has nothing to do with you and DH. And if I was her counselor, you can bet your bottom dollar I'd have her document all of your behavior and present it to the Judge as a reason to limit visitation with Abby.

But since I'm not, I offered you information that you can use and work on yourself. Choose whether to use it or not. Your choice.

In the meantime, don't post your sob story on a forum. Get an education, take some parenting classes....hell, with your last post.....go to therapy! You sound like it is needed.

Okay, one last thing.

A common analogy I use at work for some clients.

If you and DH are at a company function and you are seated right by his boss, the boss who has been giving him a hard time and making him stay late for work. What would you do?

Would you ever think about explaining to his boss that you are his wife? Would you ever think to dictate to his boss what is to be done with DH while at work?

No, you wouldn't. You would small talk and be exceedingly polite.

This is how you need to act with BM.

Okay, okay okay. I get it. I dont need a lecture, I get it. Its none of my business, I'll stay out of it.

hotgurl,

I see your genuine caring for your sd. I know that your intentions were good (staying is sd's life while her dad was away so she would know you both still love and care for her) But, the way you went about it was not the best. Sweeby had good ways to phrase things that were non-confrontational.

With you both being so far away from the girl now, your husband needs to file for visitation through the courts.

Also, tell dh try to keep contact with his daughter by regular phone calls. Even if bm doesn't let him talk to his daughter, save phone records to show that he tried to maintain contact. Keep trying to mail cards/gifts and save proof of them being sent and returned.

It is in the best interests of the child to have a relationship with her father. And the courts will look upon the mom poorly if she tries to prevent that relationship by not allowing calls, gifts, etc.

I have yahoo messenger (free) and a webcam, my stepkids use it on occasion to talk to their mom. She also has a webcam. So that they can see eachother while talking.

Thank you mom2emall for the advice. I have already saved records of my husband calling and proof that she never calls back. He tried sending her cards and postcards when he was at training but when I asked, she said she never got them. In the Army you cannot send anything certified or anything, so if she says she doesnt get it, then there is no way to prove he did try. Even though he did. He sent her cards and recently a birthday package with a card and pictures. We sent it signature confirmation for proof and she denied it, so we have that too. My husband is being deployed next month, and he was supposed to leave lst month but is having some medical problems, so that is the main reason he hasnt done anything. I'm not trying to make up excuses for him, it is harder than it sounds. The Army is very stressful. We might go back to where we are from to visit bc my brother is getting married. Hopefully we will be able to see his daughter, but we are only going to be there for 2 days, so if she says Abby is busy, then we dont have any other chances.....I am making a video of recordings we have of Abby when she has spent time with us, I was going to put it on a cd and send it up, but its stressful working so hard, and BM will probably just deny it......Well, I guess things will work out in the end. I dont know what to do, if I should call and apologize if she felt intimidated or whatever.....But I dont want to fight anymore, its not healthy for any party, and its not healty for Abby.....Idk how to convince my husband to make amends, he is like deathly scared of her. Well idk, gotta hope for the best right?

hotgurl, it isn't that it is not your business, you and DH have every right to spend time with Abby. It's a fine balancing act and your actions can and will harm any visitation the Judge awards. I don't mean to come off lectury (I know, not a word) but you don't seem to realize just how much this can affect any time awarded to DH. It's serious!!!

At this point, I wouldn't worry about how to make DH make amends. I'd push him to file for visitation legally. DH can do this being in the Army, I understand that he cannot do it while in training but he will be able to when he arrives at his permanent station. You can start researching state laws on visitation where Abby lives now. There are also a bunch of pre-paid legal services where you pay $15 montlhy and if you ever have a legal problem they will find a lawyer for you. If the lawyer has to go to court, you'll have to pay their court costs which they usually give a discount for for being part of the program.

Also, a tip about phone records. Make sure DH leaves a message on BM's phone every single time he calls. Some telephone carriers do not show calls that are made but a message has not been left.

Sorry I was having a bad weekend, I didnt mean to lash out, Im just upset with the whole situation....I had no intention of harming his visitation, he has visitation set up already, he just hasnt had the chance to change it to have her come spend the summers with us for a little while. BM said to the law guardian that she wouldnt mind that, but then when I spoke to her she said that was never going to happen, that her daughter was never going to leave the state. I never said I wanted her to bring Abby to me, I want her father to see her, that's all. I do not EXPECT her to let me see Abby. I seriously was just trying to get along with her and she hurt my feelings with what she said so, I am Human, lashed out, it was a mistake and I cant take it back..... So anyway, he does have visitation, it jsut doesnt work since he isnt in the same state anymore. She also never told the courts she was moving, so when he was gone, they had a court date in the wrong county....Things have just been so tough, and I guess I just want to understand why BM is being this way. The relationship ended badly, I understand that, but it was her that cheated and gave up on him. and took his daughter away without saying why... I guess she knows thats the only way she can hurt him...and its working.....and in the process she is hurting me too. I just want to understand why she is not thinking of her daughter in all this.....Oh and about the phone calls, she doesnt have an answering machine, it just keeps ringing and ringing, and she will not give her cell phone number. Her house phone is private, and whenever she calls my husband, it is from a private number, and its not always from her home phone so she blocks her cell phoen number too, idk why, cause she gave him a fit about not having his cell phone number......Im really sorry for being a jerk on this forum... I just took it all as a personal insult and this is a very hard situation so it made me feel worse then I already felt.....I guess all I can do, is believe that God has a reason for this and that God has a plan that will work out in the end for all of us, including BM. All I care about is Abby and I just want her to know that her father and I love her very much, and Im scared of all the time we have been away from her that she will think that her father dosnt love her and he does. He donst like confrontation, like any guy, and when he ahs to fight just to talk to his daughter, it stresses him out a great deal. I know its not an excuse.... I just see what he has been through with all thsi and most of all he doesbnt want to see his daughter get hurt so he just doesnt bother calling cause he doesnt feel like fighting all the time. I just wish this whole situation was different...Things will eventually work out, just not when i want them too......

hotgurl you and DH can change this. Research DH's rights in Abby's home state. Don't give up. But look at what the end goal is and don't let the nastiness of the situation distract you.

BM cannot interfere in DH's relationship with Abby. Document everything so that you can go to court and prove this.

Try this website:

http://www.fathers4kids.com/html/Home.htm

I know they work. They will try to screw over any BM. But, for men who are really being treated unfairly by their kids' BM, they are a great and wonderful resource.

Okay, I need some advice. Im going back to my home state for my brother's wedding but my husband cant come bc he isnt allowed to go more than 600 miles and its over 1,000 back home. I still have his daughter's Christmas gifts at my house, do you think it would be okay if I brought them to her house and tried to see if I can watch her open them and maybe visit with her? My husband is scheduled to deploy soon and I dont think he will get the chance to go back home before that.......Or should I just wait???

Have you had a chance to talk to BM? If you can talk to her, I would let her know the situation and ask her if she'd mind your visit. If she says no, don't push it or make a big deal. All you can do is try.

It's been over a year now. How did the situation work out (or not)? Do you and DH get to see Abbey finally?