Hmm something is not striking me right about his behavior.

Seems you can do nothing to please him no matter what you do. His behavior highly suspicious of substance abuse but I am probably biased since I worked in the field for so long. The personality changes, smoking, short fuse etc all signs of substance abuse.

If you feel you can safely confront him and ask him bluntly if he;s got a problem or what is going on then do so. But be prepared to hear lies cause most drug/etoh users are very good liars.

On the other hand perhaps he just really is having a difficult time with his internal clock, but either way you should not have to tolerate that kind of treatment. You are working just as hard if not harder than he is. He gets to go to work every day. You get to take care of the children, household and all that goes with it 24 hours a day.

I would insist on counseling and consider seperating until he can get it together. Otherwise you may be like me wondering after 8 yr.s why you stayed and put up with it for so long.

My husband rarely drinks and when he does he has a low tolerance. For instance we went to dinner without the kids a few weeks ago and he had two margaritas. He actually asked me to drive home because he said he felt buzzed. And my husband has never even tried drugs. He is a cop so I do not think now he would begin experimenting. And I deal with our finances so I know he has not spent enough money to support a drug or alcohol habit.

I know that my husband has always been a night owl and not an early morning person. He used to be on midnights and now he is on afternoons.

I don't what else to offer except maybe some marriage counseling would help.

Like I said I have worked in substance abuse for so long so I realize I pick up on these signs quickly, and these are classic signs /red flags of addiction.

I'm not saying that your DH has a problem but don't discount it totally unless you are positive as a LOT of my patients are police officers/fire fighters/Doctors. It's a very high stress job and it's not just alcohol, kwim?

Whatever his deal is I hope that you do not accept this as the status quo in your marriage, it's not worth it. No matter what I hope you two can discuss it and hopefully he won't get defensive and can really open up to you. Is he open to counseling?

Does he talk to you about his job? Maybe he has experienced some sort of trauma at work. My ex is a cop and he also went through some of those mood changes. Sometimes, a crime scene or case can affect them and they don't even realize they were impacted so much by it. There were times I even suspected he was cheating (because he would get distant with me) but never really found any evidence of it. Does he spend a lot of time on the computer? That is also something that he could be addicted to. It sounds like something is going on that he isn't opening up to you about and he should be. Marriage counseling is definitely something to look into. I agree with Cat that everything you say about him suggests that either he has a problem. It could be depression, post traumatic stress or some sort of addiction. But in order to get to the bottom of it, you should be able to communicate with him and if he values his marriage, he should be willing to do whatever it takes. Good luck.

It could be sleep deprivation. If your DH is a night owl and isn't getting enough sleep working the afternoon shift it will impact his mood, memory, concentration, even weight. Perhaps a sleep aid for a week or so will help him adjust to the new schedule.

I recently switched back to days after several years of working a graveyard shift. I thought I was doing fine on the night shift. I was able to get by with 3 or 4 hours sleep if necessary. Now that I'm working days I realize that I was an absolute mess! Our relationship was on very shaky ground and I thought we were just becoming one of 'those' couples. Bored with each other after 18 years and living separate lives. Whenever DH complained about my moodiness and irritability I became more irritable! The memory problems were not so much forgetting where I left my keys, but more losing my train of thought mid-sentence, or having to pause to search for a word. I blamed that on getting closer to 50. The weight gain I also blamed on middle age. Our counselor suggested I get more sleep and I thought she was full of it until I saw a 60 Minutes piece and started looking for more information on the subject.

I am still adjusting to days and find myself staying up too late on my off days (like today). But my mood and energy level have improved greatly after getting 8-9 hours sleep at night for the past 6 months. I'm starting to recognize my old self and I never realized she was gone!

Here is a link that might be useful: sleep-deprivation.com

It sounds like you are doing the right things...trying to discuss issues, him getting back on his old schedule, etc. Keep doing that.

It is VERY tough going from midnight shift to ANY other shift. I worked 12 hour night shifts for years as a young nurse, and when I got a daytime job, it nearly put me over the edge. I couldn't sleep well, was moody/irritable, gained weight, etc. It took a good year for me to make the adjustment.

My hope for you is that is the explanation for all of his behaviors, but do not ignore the other feedback here. It could be ANY of the other problems. Don't take them lightly. Cops, especially, have a VERY high incidence of addiction, depression and marriage difficulties.

Don't throw in the towel on your marriage...the guy you married is probably somewhere in there....it might just take a little work and a little more patience to find him again.

It sounds like he might be depressed. Depression can take many forms, and irritability/anger can definitely be one of them.

I definitely think some counseling for the two of you together woudl be a great place to start.

I would agree with all of the above. Depression, sleep deprivation, possible substance abuse, traumatic experience he's dealing with on the job.....My X had them all at one point or another. Also the stress of being the only provider. It's not easy to change ways of thinking after you started bringing in income.

But I would also keep my eyes open for an affair. Not trying to sound like TOS or KKNY, but sometimes if a man feels guilty about an affair, he can treat his wife badly so she'll leave him and relieve his guilt. It's a type of punishment for himself.

I'm not trying to put ideas in your head. I'm suggesting that you keep an open mind. I agree with Nicksmom....don't throw in the towel.

Crazy work shifts are HELL on relationships. Everyone I have ever known who had a spouse who worked nights, swing shifts and the like complained that they wished their husband would get a new job. It's good that he is trying to get back on his old schedule. It will relieve some of the stress I'm almost positive.

I will also say I would never be a stay at home mom exactly because of this statement you made: "When I began commenting on his messiness and poor attitude and lack of patience he started complaining about the stress of only one income." My mom is a stay at home wife and dad always defaults to that as well when he's having a bad day. That being said I think you also did the right thing by getting a side job to eliminate that gripe. All men secretly at some level resent spouses who do not work. It will ALWAYS get thrown up in your face in some manner during arguments. Never fails.

A bought of depression could be to blame. Depression and night shift jobs often go hand in hand. I'm almost positive if you looked you would find statistics on it somewhere. Just hang in there. It sounds like you are both trying to make it work....he may just be having a hard time right now and needs extra support.

I think most of what is happening is probably due to sleep patterns, depression, and possibly stress over finances. Its not helping that the doomsayers on the news talk about the economy constantly. Its adding a whole new level of stress to many households. If the news constantly says that its really really bad out there and going to get worse, people start to get anxious even if its not affecting them financially at the moment.

I would consider your husband at risk for an affair though. When men are stressed out, worrying about money, not sleeping right, afraid of the future, they can either turn to their wives, or away from them. Many men believe they should tough it out and not talk about their problems, and so they keep it in , rather than let their wife know they are worried. And many women, when they are worried and stressed out, tend to do a lot of complaining, which makes the man even less likely to talk about it. That makes them an easy target for a little bit of understanding and flattery from another woman, and next thing you know...

I think doodle needs to amend her post to read that SOME men secretly resent a woman who stays home, and it SOMETIMES gets thrown in your face. The universal claims certainly have not been my experience, nor the experience of most of my stay at home mom friends or family members. Thinking back, there was one couple I know where the man did feel that way, but he was one of those guys who thinks that what you earn is what you own alone. They ended up divorced after she went back to work and refused to take it anymore.

I would not be picky about him being a slob at the moment, and focus on positively reinforcing him, rather than being on his arse about things. He sounds as if he already has enough pressure.

Is it possible to just let him sleep as late as he wants in the morning? At least for a few weeks? If you try that and his mood noticeably improves, you would at least have a diagnosis of the problem and a starting point for finding the solution (dear, it's not sustainable long-term to keep the kids from making any noise before noon, but obviously you need more sleep-- how 'bout talking to the doctor about ways to get to sleep a bit earlier at night?)

Even if it's not the only issue, if it's even part of the problem, it's bound to help a little... I agree with the others; sleep deprivation can be brutal, trying to change shifts and sleep schedules is hard. (and being in your shoes, having to deal with the person isn't really a walk in the park either.)

I ran across this review of a book that you might find helpful:

http://www.policewivesonline.com/abriloveacop.html

My husband went through the same thing a few years ago. Not a shift change just a change in responsibilities and expectations at work that were way over his head.
He's not a cop but the situation is very similar.
He also had mood swings , problems sleeping, he would smoke to relax and have a drink. Lose his temper with his two kids. I mean the same way you described! i would be sitting at the dinner table eating. and if his son didn't eat fast enough or at way too slow after 5 minutes he's be telling him off and nagging him to death to eat his plate. My SS would bow his head , wouldn't enjoy his meal and my husband would be telling him 'well you'll be left alone again cause you are not eating.' It got to the point i got pissed. so one night i turned around during meal time and nagged him. ' oh your not eating those veggies, oh you haven't touched them yet. why haven't you finished. ? its been 5 minutes?...you dont like my cooking? come on hurry up! we've going to miss our program, you eat too slow! what are you a cow? do you have several stomachs to digest? ;
well needless to say i got the dirty looks, I smiled and left to clean the dishes. next time he did it again, i told him in front of his kids that i will not have dinner or lunch or breakfast while you badger your son. You have problems deal with them and dont take it out on the kids.
This issue was early inthe relationship. So i spoke with him about work and found out his stresses and gave him soem ideas to change.
Work finally changed and so did his attitude.
Sorry for the long story.
But i honestly think that your husband has stress from work. Either a traumatic experience that caused him to change his shift and of course the simple shift change cause sleep deprivation until his body acclimatizes to the time zone. But hes taken up cigarettes...which is not good for his nerves and his daily routine with you have changed. You have to find a middle ground to work together. If he doens't change his shift back to waht he did before you 'll need to make new time together. Some couciling is a good idea.
As well, if he did go through a traumatic experience then your husband definetly needs counciling.

I wanted to thank you all for your advice. I tried talking to my husband the day after I posted this about what was going on. He attempted to brush me off and tried to argue and say he needed his sleep instead of discussing everthing. I warned him that it would be a mistake not to discuss this because it was ruining our marriage. He still refused to discuss it.

So the next day, while he was at work, I left. I packed some of my stuff and some of the kids things and we went to visit a friend of mine out of state. We drove the few hours to get there and I made it a vacation for the kids so they would not know what was going on. My friend was happy to have us and the kids all loved it.

My dh called me when he got home from work and we were all gone. I told him I was staying gone until he decided he could be the man I fell in love with again. Funny how we stayed on the phone discussing our problems for 2 hours, but he refused to talk in person for 2 minutes! I told him that in a week me and the kids would be back in town and that we could either work on things or go our seperate ways.

So a week later I came home and since then he has really been acting like the guy I fell in love with. It has been 2 weeks now of him being kind and calm with all of us. We have been getting up together in the morning and spending time together for hours until he goes to work. We have all been a lot happier.

I think the problem was partially him not being on a sleep schedule and oversleeping in the morning so he could not fall asleep at night. And I also think that he did not realize how much it was impacting us until I showed him how serious I was.

He has been apologetic and says that he is going to get back to being himself instead of the jerk he turned in to. Even the kids told him how much nicer he is being...I think hearing that from them really hit home too.

Wifee, I'm so glad to hear this. Some people just need to have the facts hit them upside the head before they can really grasp them. Sounds like a few days alone with the smack Dh needed to get him to open his eyes. I hope this isn't just a honeymoon phase and he genuinely wants to alter his behaviors for the best of his family. Good luck to you all, and keep us posted.