Lying and disrespect

15 years ago

My husband and I just bought his 16yo daughter a car. The agreement was that we would not buy her a car until she got a job and she told us she has a job.

I also have a daughter who is 18 and she has been working since 16yo and is working two jobs to pay for her own insurance, gas, etc. We do not give her money. The rule in our home is that if you want the extras like having your own vehicle...etc. then you need to work to take care of your responsibilities.

We recently found out that SD lied about getting a job so we would buy her a car. Now that my husband found this out, he has not done anything about her lying to him. She has no job and he continues handing her money on the side even though we do not give money to the other daughter (luckily she doesn't know that he does this because she is old enough to know that it is not fair). SD is a habital liar, not just about this but several other things in the past such as school, her whereabouts, etc.

Here is the problem...I try to let my husband deal with his daughter because he likes to vent to me but doesn't want to hear my opinions. The thing is that I get so tired of listening to it because every day it is something new that he complains about and I feel like he is part of the problem because he just lets it happen and doesn't demand any respect. I don't want to seem disinterested in what he has to say, but frankly I am tired of hearing about it, but then he doesn't like what I have to say.

Has anyone dealt with kind of situation and how did you handle things?

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Comments (9)

sweeby
15 years ago
Sell the frickin car!
That's the natural and appropriate consequence to her lying.
imamommy
15 years ago
I handle it by changing the subject whenever they start in on it. You can tell him straight up that you can't offer any solutions (because he doesn't want your advice) and while you want to be supportive and listen to him, it's just too stressful because it's repetitive. Different day, same song & he isn't willing to do anything to change it. "Leave me out of it completely!"

I understand wanting to be a supportive wife, and not wanting to make him feel you don't care or aren't being there for him. But, the truth is... you can tell him & risk upsetting him or you can continue to let it eat you up and you'll be the one upset over it.... and it sounds as if you are already fed up. If he needs to talk to someone, send him to a therapist that will listen (because that's their job) and won't be irritated or stew over it after. Continuing to listen to it without being able to do anything about it, is going to affect your marriage eventually if it isn't already.

IMO, it really doesn't matter if your daughter finds out he is indulging his daughter because it sounds as if your daughter is more mature & responsible and that is going to make her life more rewarding in the long run. She may be old enough to know it's "not fair" but she is also old enough to know "life's not fair" and she got a parent that instilled values in her that her stepsister doesn't have. That makes HER the winner.
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Wow, with a few decades of history, it's really hard to offer any advice. I think the first thing is to deal with your depression. Talk to your doctor or naturopath about healthy choices that can help you with your mood (eg - nutrition, exercise, B vitamins - or, if you think it's too bad for that to help, antidepressant medications). Then do something that makes you take notice of yourself and feel good about YOU - take a weekend away with a friend at the spa, start a new hobby, get a sassy haircut. Maybe that will remind you that you deserve to be treated well and give you the confidence to make it a requirement. When you talk to DH and/or the kids, make sure you're using "I statements" and keeping it relevant to the current situation. It's OK to say "We have a long pattern of [undesirable relationship attribute]," but make sure you use an example from the past 6 months, not from when the kid was 13. Try to find simple and concrete actions that everyone could do to help with the problem. Saying "I want to be treated with respect" isn't very helpful for getting a disrespectful person to change their ways... But maybe saying something like this would be more helpful, "I would prefer that if you have a gripe with me, you approach me directly to resolve it instead of talking to others first. If you're not comfortable speaking in person, then phone or an email is fine too." When it comes to your DH, I don't think you'll have a lot of success in saying "Look, Hunny, your daughter is a selfish beeyatch, so stop defending her and make her treat me properly." I think you'll have more success in saying "Now that most of the kids are out of the house and on with their own lives, I think you and I should do some rebuilding on our own relationship. Being an empty nest and negotiating the landmines of an adult blended family is different that the situation we were in until the kids moved out. Let's make a weekly date night to focus on each other and our relationship. Remember how we used to love [activity - eg playing cribbage, making dinner together, going to movies]? Let's pick that back up again!" Maybe a reminder that he is in a relationship with you is what DH needs. Maybe not? I don't know.
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Thank you to Aequitas and justmetoo for your helpful suggestions. I think the "no problem" solution might work out because at this point, she just seems to think at the time she is misbehaving that the consequences are just a joke. Waiting until she expresses genuine interest in something and then implementing the consequence seems like it might get through to her a little more than the rote loss of ipod, sentences, no hanging out with friends. As far as the lunch account, DH did call the school and told them she is not to buy anything but the actual meal. The sneaking food at home usually occurs when I am taking a shower. The last time she did it (that I am aware of), she came to me afterward asking for a snack, and I said no since I am pretty sure she already had something. So, she told me well, I didn't have anything, but ok... see, I am saying ok rather than arguing with you about it. Then later, I saw there was an empty package of cookies in the cupboard, and she fessed up at that point. DH has actually become very supportive of me over time, but still manages to undercut me sometimes, but for the most part, we have to present a united front because she was getting in the habit of trying to start arguments between us by "tattling" on the other. He knows she misbehaves, it is just that sometimes our strategies for dealing with it differ. His thing is to ignore most of it, or he just doesn't see how it is a problem. Like the party behavior, if I had tried correcting her as often as she needed, he probably would have given me "the look" like I need to just let her have fun and be a kid. He chalks it up to kid behavior, but so much of her behavior is still age inappropriate, and she gets called on it by peers, but sees it as their problem, not hers. Other kids of similar age at the party were calm and were not creating the chaos that she was. 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imamommy
15 years ago
I handle it by changing the subject whenever they start in on it. I would just not listen anymore. Eventually, they will stop. Or you can be direct and tell him straight up that you can't offer any solutions (because he doesn't want your advice) and while you want to be supportive and listen to him, it's just too stressful because it's repetitive. Different day, same song & he isn't willing to do anything to change it. "Leave me out of it completely!"

I understand wanting to be a supportive wife, and not wanting to make him feel you don't care or aren't being there for him. But, the truth is... you can tell him & risk upsetting him or you can continue to let it eat you up and you'll be the one upset over it.... and it sounds as if you are already fed up. If he needs to talk to someone, send him to a therapist that will listen (because that's their job) and won't be irritated or stew over it after. Continuing to listen to it without being able to do anything about it, is going to affect your marriage eventually if it isn't already.

IMO, it really doesn't matter if your daughter finds out he is indulging his daughter because it sounds as if your daughter is more mature & responsible and that is going to make her life more rewarding in the long run. She may be old enough to know it's "not fair" but she is also old enough to know "life's not fair" and she got a parent that instilled values in her that her stepsister doesn't have. That makes HER the winner.
parent_of_one
15 years ago
When my SO complains about his kids, i stay out of it because there is no point, I cant fix it.
But then again we do not have shared account, if my wallet suffered because of him indulging his children I would have hard time keeping quiet.

It must be nice get a car at 16...
myfampg
15 years ago
Po1 I had a car at 16 but I also worked 2 jobs during the summer, 1 during the school year and was actively involved in activities at school, and made straight a's. If my grades dropped, I had to cut back my hours to study more, therefore having no gas money to go anywhere but school. I know having a car at 16 is a luxury but my parents couldn't get me to school or pick me up and get me to work or my activities so I had to drive myself. However, it was a great 'tool' to keep me on the right track. Once I got ground from my car for lying and I had to ride the bus to school. I never lied again... So although I think you are right in your comment that it must be nice to have a car at 16... It's not like it's uncommon and as OP said -- both daughters are required to have a job and pay for extras in order to get the car... Unfortunately OPs SD isn't having to abide by the rules because dad is enabling her to keep a car and not provide as she was expected to do.

If your husband is slidding her money and won't listen to your opinion or stand by your agreement to have the girls work for it... What can you do? I'd love to hear everyone else's advice because I have none
unhappysm
Original Author
15 years ago
I appreciate everyone's comments on here. It is very hard to sit back and watch what he and his ex are doing with their daughter. I agree that I do need to stay out. It just saddens me that it is okay to stick with the rules when it comes to one child, but the other child gets off scott free with no responsibilities.

I agree with you, imamommy, because I have no doubt if my daughter were on the streets today she could support herself and take care of herself without worry because that is how she was raised. His daughter I am not so sure about. I have tried to tell him that he is not helping her because there is going to come a day when we will not be around to clean up her messes and support her financially and where does that leave her? Apparently, he is not concerned about the long run. I think you are right that perhaps some counseling would be good. I think I will mention it the next time he complains to me about her.
mattie_gt
15 years ago
I would tell him that I was no longer going to listen to complaints, and why. Perhaps that is not the right way to handle it, but it's what I'd do. I had a friend in an abusive relationship years ago (at that time, still more emotional than physical abuse). She'd call crying telling me what her BF had done, I'd console and advise her (to get out of there), he'd "apologize", she'd forgive him... I finally told her I could no longer do it. We could talk about anything else, and if she wanted to leave him I'd come get her, no questions asked, at any time - but I simply could not offer support and a sympathetic ear when the exact same thing kept happening over, and over, and was going to continue to happen, and get worse.... (She did eventually leave him.)

I cannot understand what your DH is thinking. Not only would that particular car be gone, that offer (a car for a job) would be gone, forever. Your daughter is very lucky that you are her mother. I have absolutely no doubt that some day, when she is an adult, she will thank you. I agree 100% that it is doing the kids a major disservice to raise them to expect someone else to smooth their way through life.
imamommy
15 years ago
"I would tell him that I was no longer going to listen to complaints, and why. Perhaps that is not the right way to handle it, but it's what I'd do."

Mattie, I do think it IS the right way to handle it. It doesn't matter WHO is complaining... a husband, a friend, anyone.. if they are not interested in your opinion or advice and they are not going to do anything to change it... all they are doing is laying some of THEIR stress on YOU. We can't control what others do, but we can control what we allow ourselves to do & you allow yourself to listen to him and get stressed out over it. He is enabling his daughter, the wife is enabling her husband. Let all the stress be HIS and he will get tired of it & do something just like your friend eventually left the abusive relationship.

unhappysm ~ your name says it all. Remove the word WE from your vocabulary when dealing with HIS daughter. It's not YOUR problem, she has a mother & a father. Let dad handle her... he slips her money without you. Let him go rescue her from her drama without you. He's creating a problem and expecting you to support him & be his (silent) partner. You are his partner in the marriage but he isn't making you a partner in parenting HIS child... he wants you to stand with him through the stress that he creates for himself but gives you no power to do anything about it. That's pretty unfair!
unhappysm
Original Author
15 years ago
Things just keep getting better. DH calls me again to complain about his daughter. It appears she was out drinking underage last night and the cops are involved and she let some 25yo guy drive the vehicle she shouldn't have in the first place. It is always drama, drama with this girl.

I turned things on him this time and asked him what he and her mother are going to do. He didn't know what to say to that other than he said I am not going to do anything, she has to go to court. I told him that I was sorry to hear it but I saw it coming. I told him hopefully the judge will have some leniency on her. It is sad that no one wants to step up and do any parenting with this girl and at 16 she is already in trouble with the law. Sad....

It felt good to not involve myself in the emotional drama though. I listened but offered no advice whatsoever. I wonder if they see what they are doing to this poor girl. :(

Lying and disrespect

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