Changes in attitudes

24 years ago

Ihave just had a major blowout with my 14 year old stepdaughter and her father.

This girl used to idolized me, loved me, adored me, considered her her mother (who is a drunk who rarely sees the girl tho she lives 2 miles away).

The child, "K," is an absolute spoiled princess who has Daddy wrapped around her finger and lies like a dog.

I have gotten to the point where I can't stand being around her. And I feel the dad doesn't support me.

Like many of you, I probably do too much for her...I even make her bed!

I am so sick of being so used...when she gets her way from anyone, she's fine ,but otherwise she is the biggest pain I have ever known in my life. Can't tell her what to do or she whines to Daddy...babytalks (screen saver says I Luv U Daddy) and gets her way every time.

She's about 5-8 and weighs about 200 lbs, too, so she's not exactly adorable.

Today I finally said to both of them, "You both need to decide if you really want me to live here or not, but you can't have it both ways...pretend I am your mother and take all the good (I spend LOTS of $$ on her) and not take the bad--meaning the discipline." Dad just sat there. I have never been so mad in my entire life! I feel so used and unsupported!

Thanks for reading. It's so good to know I'm not alone...misery loves company.

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Comments (4)

RosieL
23 years ago
How long have you guys been married? Was there a specific time when you saw the tides turning against you? A specific incident that seemed to touch it off? The daughter will do as daughters have been doing for centuries when they are Daddy's little girls, but what concerns me the most is that your husband does not validate your feelings. You probably do too much for her??? Dear woman - there is no probably about it if you are the one making her bed. I stopped cleaning the kids rooms when they were 10 years old and worked my up to that point from the time they were little. It is their responsibility and to tell you the truth - I let them have some space. I could never sleep in an unmade bed, but if they prefer the rumpled look - fine with me. Its their room. Mine are a little older 17 and 15 and they will be going out into the world soon and they might as well find out now how they like to live. They both went through stages of utter slop and eventually worked into realizing (on their own) that this is not how they want to live. I have no more battles on that front. You are not her maid, nor her best friend. You needn't spend $$ on her unless it comes from the heart. Dad can take care of her needs that way. You are feeling used and neglected. You set the precedent of doing it all for everyone and now when you see that its just a one way street you are upset. Well, girl, my only advice - don't put their needs ahead of yours. Take care of yourself first. If you are tired, rest. Cook what you like to eat. Clean the areas of the home that matter to you. Tell Dad, that from here on out, his little princess is his responsibility. You don't care if she does her homework or when she comes home, if she paints her hair blue or gets piercings all over her face. Its just not your problem anymore. You've taken over what IS HIS responsibility. You did it out of the goodness of your heart and they took advantage of it. No more MRS nice guy!!
Susnnn
23 years ago
Amen Rosie!!
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qqqq
23 years ago
I think it is high time you changed you attitude.

If you don't get the support you need, then there are two things happening: either they don't understand or they don't care. Before I'd chuck it all, I'd make sure that they understand what I require as condition of my giving all the things that I give. So I suggest you make a list of the top 10 things you really, really need from your husband AND from your step-daughter. Then let them know in some CRYSTAL CLEAR fashion that these are the things that WILL be in your household. You know, stuff like:

1) Truthfulness
2) Respect
3) Honoring your commitments
4) Affection
etc.

But when you make a list, you MUST be prepared to honor the list as well. I might suggest that you give your husbands some ideas/hints on WAYS he can show you his support -- sometimes we are all just clueless about how to give another what they need.

I agree with Rosie, in that, kids teenagers need to begin the road toward independence so they are going to need to make some of their own decisions but I still feel there are consequences for egregious errors in judgement (lying, disrespect, thievery ... the moral issues) other things I'd let slide.

In order to prepare, teach and guide a child toward becoming a happy and well-adjusted adult, parents need to supply rules and consequences and do it somewhat consistently. For example, teaching them how to do laundry will equip them for doing their own laundry when they grow to adulthood, allowing them to help with dinner will teach them how to cook, showing them the right way to clean a house will (hopefully) keep them from living in filth as an adult and there are many, many more daily living skills that yound adults NEED to learn. Then there are the moral teachings. One that comes to mind is... that the truth ALWAYS has a way of working itself into the open, lying simply doesn't pay. All it gets you is TONS of grief -- that is as it should be. The joy of giving can be taught by charity -- helping others for no other reward than helping.

Do you see where I'm headed?

"Spoiling" a child will not equip them for happiness as an adult. Somethings needs to change. The BEST place for change to start is within your self.

Good luck!
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Frieda__IL
23 years ago
I think you need to stop doing all the things that you have been doing for her and her father. Teenagers come from another planet anyway but, discipline has to be a mutual agreement between you and your husband. If your husband doesn't see anything wrong with how she is, let it go and do your own thing. Let them fend for themselves.

Changes in attitudes

Comments (4)

RosieL

Susnnn

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Frieda__IL

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