Charles Kuralt became the eyes through which I saw many new and wondrous places---and some old friends, also, like Hatton's Ferry, over near Scottsville, Va. Hardly anybody knew about it back in those days, except the locals and weekend scouts like us, with all 5 of us piled into the old '63 Falcon wagon. (before that, it was the '59 Chevy wagon, before that, it was the little English Ford, before that, it was the '53 MG TD before that, it was the '52 Mercury coupe and before that, it was the '53 Chevy 'Forestry Dept.' wagon--- oh, and the first one was a '57 red Studebaker coupe with 'Kathy' in small letters on one door and 'Denis' in small letters on the other door. Hatton's Ferry is the very last pole-operated ferry in the United States.

That's a wonderful country song, written by Rory Feek (he and his wife have a weekly TV show on RFD TV--"The Joey and Rory Show") and Johnnie Barnett, and sung by Clay Walker. It was based on a story written by Barnett for the book "Chicken Soup for the Country Soul". It was based on an actual event in Barnett's life. It is beautiful, and I got teary-eyed the first time I heard that song...it still touches me.

--"My husband, her SD, feels that she should do without. If she cant make enough for those things she does without. He feels she should learn to budget her money well enough to bascially support herself and not ask us for money"-- I tend to totally agree with your husband in the general sense. No one should be enabling their children to live beyond their means and/or taking advantage of the 'Mommy/Daddy will bail me out' thing. I've spent years, as I'll assume most other parents do, raising my children and preparing them to be able to be responsible productive adults when the day came. But with that said, I could 'go' either way on this particular thread. Is the daughter blowing money and a budgeting adjustment on her part would make a big difference? Does she think she can just spent and spend and no problem as when she runs out someone will just hand her more? If so and tossing in her disrespect and attitude of excusing her ill behavior 'It is not MY fault' blah blah, nope, she'd not get a penny out of me. On the other hand, the young adult works for peanuts at Walmart, she goes to school fulltime and she perhaps does not have the ability to get a second job to supplement her income. Would depend on her varying schedule ability at her current job and classes available at different times. If she really is very thrifty with her money, assuring she does things like lunch bag toting and no joy riding, no fancy unnecessary 'junk' (fancy phones, latest fashions, entertainment with the buddies inwhich the money should be going into the gas tank to go to work/school blah blah)and she still can not make ends meet, I'd likely give her gas money for school/work, fix her flat tire and all those mundane boring but necessary expenses...but only when it was absolutely necessary. If I thought she would have to quit school/job because she could not fill her gas tank to get there, yeah, I'd help out. The goal behind the going to school/working I'll assume currently is to better her options for improving her abilities to earn a higher living and really become self sufficient very shortly. I'd give her a bit of credit for that and realize it is short term and soon she'll be out on her own and fully supporting herself. If I didn't think that, no, I'm back to not helping her occassionaly. I might even occasionally give her a 'treat' of a bit of spending money to have an evening out with a friend (movie pizza type thing) because I would not want her to totally burn out at her age and decide she wanted to do something stupid like quit work and/or school. It would depend on how well she were doing, her attitude towards the household ect. In other words, if I could see she really was trying very hard to both budget and behave I'd likely treat her to a small shopping trip at my expense and/or stick a bit of cash in her purse for a 'fun' night. But it would not be routine and it would cease immediatedly if she 'expected' it as her due and/or was being a pain in the *ss. Again, I think your daughter's money situation she be something you and husband sit down and discuss. No, she can't have money if she is blowing it and not budgeting her income in a careful manner. But is it 'wrong' to help her out a bit when really necessary? That's something only you and husband will have to discuss and come to a mutual agreement on. If she really is mismanaging money and has an entitlement 'bail me out, Mom' line of thinking and you're falling for it , my personal opinion is SD is right. Knock off supplementing her or you'll still have a little girl living with you in five years.

Hi LisaMarie, It's nice that I'm no longer the only one who is FSM to a child who is not biologically related to SO. In my case, the guy who got BM pregnant (and then threatened to kill her) has been in and out of jail for the past decade and has never met "his" son. My BF started seeing BM when A__ (now age 9) was a month or two old and they were together for three years. BF is the only dad A__ has ever had. Just a little forewarning for you, there are occasionally people (both on the board and in real-world) who won't respect your connection to FSD, since she is not biologically your FDH's daughter. Ignore them. Anyhow, moving along... I was pretty alarmed to hear that she doesn't know FDH isn't her biological parent. A__ knows that "Mom had a different boyfriend when she got pregnant with me, and Dad became my dad when I was a little baby". I don't think he really understands genetics (considering that he's 9) but it's good that he knows. I don't think now (with all the other turmoil) is a good time to spring on FSD that her dad isn't her dad... But it's definitely something that will have to be addressed soonish. IMO, it's better to tell her when she's young enough that she has to get over it because she depends on FDH for food and shelter and the like. Maybe that's an odd viewpoint though. Anyhow, I'm also a motherless daughter (although I lost mine to cancer when I was 16). I was done with my first period, first boyfriend, and first breakup. I was about to start grade 12 and I was doing well in school. I had siblings I was close to and didn't have to move... and it was still really hard to figure out my place and learn how to navigate my life! I can't imagine how lost she feels right now! Even if her mom wasn't involved in her life, she has lost the opportunity to get her mom back, to have all of those things that mothers do with daughters. Another poster mentioned that you need to make a special place in FSD's life for her mom... And I totally agree! If you have photos or any personal objects, they could go into a few frames or a shadow box and up in her bedroom. FDH should sit down and write some stories for FSD about things Mommy did with her when she was a baby - anecdotes, worries, parenting style, etc - if you have some photos, get copies of them made and try to include a photo of FSD or BM with each one. FDH is her link to her mom now, and he needs to be able to talk about her mom so that she doesn't feel totally without. I agree with other posters about the "Big Sister" pin for the shower, and having her responsible for a shower game or something. She should get a little moment in the sun, but realize it isn't a shower for her. Oh, about always having roommates and such, my BF always had roommates too, so A__ shared his room when he was over, or more recently, slept on the couch. I understand that circumstances aren't always ideal, so don't feel that you owe anyone any explanations over that FDH wasn't able to provide a room for her previously. Housing is expensive and I assume FDH was doing the best he could. About how FSD treats you poorly... My guess is that she partially doesn't realize it, partially knows she can get away with it, and partially after lots of it, you may be oversensitive to it. I know I can be oversensitive when A__'s being a handful, or whips out some rude comment, and sometimes I just have to remind myself that I shouldn't take everything personally. My first question would be - what is Grandma and Grandpa's relationship like? Does GM do all the work while GP sits on his tooshie? If FSD is used to seeing GM get fresh towels for GP and her, and make snacks on demand for GP and her, etc, then she may think that this is just how relationships work and that the female adult partner does everything for everybody else on command. If that's not the structure of Gm and GP's relationship, my theory is out the window. As for GM's suggestion that you have to do fun things with her to make her like you, I say bullsh17! Personally, I think A__ and I bonded better on Saturday night when we wrote secret messages with salt water on black construction paper (the water evaporates and the salt crystalizes) than we did on Saturday afternoon when we were all at the arcade together. Little things, day to day things, are way more important, IMO, than "Disneyland" activities. I think you're better off to be going to her soccer practice every Wednesday than doing extravagant things every weekend. When I do fun things with A__, I tell him it's because I want us to have fun together. I have canceled fun plans because he pulled attitude on me and was rude all morning, so I said "The plan was for you and I to go have fun this afternoon, but with your bad attitude, I won't be having any fun, so I no longer want to go. We can stay home." I've used this on my multitude of nieces and nephews too, and it works extremely well to make them behave better to earn back the fun activities. I know that this is hard for everyone, but I think you've done most of what you can do (talking reasonably to FDH, talking reasonably to FSD, etc) and what she probably needs right now is time to get her head on straight while you're patient and try to help where you can. This isn't going to be easy, and I wish you luck!