Although it was in 2008, someone said above, "I agree that it is difficult to post on this [step] forum. . . it is hard." This is pretty much true today, almost 10 years later. It is still difficult for a SM to post on a step-forum without risking getting roasted. I find that those who usually insist on needing to know more and more "facts," are unwilling to take SM's word for anything and waiting for the right moment to jump on SM to discredit her. Bio-parents can complain all the time, but when a SP does, the first thought is usually SM is over-reacting and SK is being misjudged. A lot of this I see as a cultural or societal issue. Most have no clue what to do with SPs. No clue whatsoever, other than to try to pretend like they don't exist. What is normal or best for SMs? No one seems to really know. Even a lot of SMs aren't sure. Sure, there are some theories out there, but do they work? Like Imamommy said above, we are told to keep at arm's length, so to speak, but what does that accomplish other than ever-present awkwardness? Is it true that it takes a village to raise a child, except when it comes to SPs? Somewhat exaggerated, but I always say a SM's world is backwards from most other's "normal. It's a world where you are supposed to have no say in your own household, a world where you are supposed to give love and settle for nothing in return, a world where you are supposed to be a servant or babysitter and never get paid, and a world where you may be married to your DH but BM and adult SKs still get first dibs on your spouse. Society as a whole doesn't get it, and that includes even some counseling professionals. The entire focus is on pretending like the divorce never really happened to "make things easier" for the children involved. SMs, the vast majority of whom never got involved with DH until after the divorce, are basically expected, in the year 2018, to sacrifice themselves (a/k/a take the high road, suck it up and take it, be the bigger person, etc.) for another family's divorce and fallout from that. There is absolutely no way anyone can justify that a person is supposed to pay a higher price for something she had zero involvement in than the people who were actually involved. There is just no way. Some still try, however. Some SMs get lucky and have both supportive BMs and DHs, and some at least have supportive DHs. Other SMs have neither. And, in these situations where SM is lacking support, what is SM's reward for trying to be the glue that somehow keeps everyone together? It is usually to become the family scapegoat or punching bag. And, society endorses this. If SM doesn't accept her role as the family lackey and a lesser wife, well to get back at her, they'll just slap the Evil SM title on her. What it all comes down to is divorce sucks big time for everyone, but because society as a whole doesn't want to deal with the realities of divorce and wants to act like it is not that big of a deal, and pretend like mom and dad are still the real, one-and-only couple even after the divorce, that means that the only way to keep up this fiasco is to totally degrade anyone mom or dad goes on to get involved with or remarry, to totally discount them. And, to make matters worse, if they dare to protest, then you slap them with the Evil SM label or tell them they are not minding their place. SM's main role is to be a wife to her husband. Her husband's role is to be a husband to her and a dad to his children. SM is her own person, and she doesn't owe anyone anything for what has gone on in someone else's past and not her own. She shouldn't have to give a long laundry list to anyone to justify that she needs help and support. She wants to do the right thing, and it is certainly in her best interest to do so. But, the only support most ever seem to want to give a SM is to tell her that she is over-reacting and to suck it up and take it. I always tell SMs to do what works best for you, because no matter what you decide or do, someone will be there every time telling you it is wrong. Comes w/the Evil SM label finely embroidered on all of our chests.

Hi, I'm sorry you are so troubled. I'm not a step parent, but I was a step kid and my Mom died when I was 10 years old. Dad remarried two years later. Don't expect her to "get over it", she will never get over the loss of her Mom. I'm 44 and I still have times I really miss my Mom. She will have many times in the future she will too, especially when she gets married, and has a baby. That being said,loosing her Mom gives her no excuse to be rude to you, or your husband. Set some rules down and tell her she is welcome at your home as long as she shows you both respect. Tell her you both know how much she misses her Mom and you just want to support her in any way you can, but that rudeness won't be tollerated in your home. She is an adult and can find another place to live if she doesn't want to play by your rules. Sounds like you all need a heart to heart, and Dad needs to do most of the talking. I agree she needs counseling, but she may have to come to a breaking point in her own life before she will seek it, and maybe she won't even then. However, you and your husband need counseling too. You two are a team, and if he's willing to get counseling he can learn to stand up to her. He should be doing that, and supporting you so your SD doesn't resent you for being the bad guy. Hang in there, things ought to get better. I just encourage you to try and find something good in her, and focus on that. It is incredibly hard for a girl to loose a Mom. I imagine it is even worse if she didn't have a good relationship with her. She probably has a lot of guilt. I love my step mom very much, but I've never felt like I measured up to her own kids. She isn't my "mommy" and never will be. We have a very nice relationship as a step mom and daughter, and she will always support me the best she knows how. I have learned to be thankful for that. I hope your SD is thankful for you some day too. I believe if you keep loving her in spite of herself it will work out. You are both loving her by giving her boundaries too, and not allowing her rude, selfish behavior.

Hi, I appreciate all of your comments. I really need to set the record accurate here with sylviatexas comments. I do appreciate your point of view. Here are the facts, in no particular order with no defense in mind. Biofather: Single, no girlfriend, no relationship for 10+ years (from his parents) Physically abused Biomom multiple times before divorce (black eyes, etc) Pulled family into bankruptcy before divorce Refused to pay child support for first 5 years of daughters life. Has a long arrest record which is mostly arrests for assault up until a few years ago. (have copies) Has been threatening Biomom to "sue" her and "take your home away" in phone calls and emails (we have many copies) Rarely sought contact with daughter startingat her age of 13. Secretly plotted with SD in 8th grade to move her into his garage to live in small home in FL with her own "door", TV, Etc. We uncovered the plan and mom said no to the move for obvious reasons. SD told that her Stepfather cannot tell her what to do in home and she was to "completely ignore" Stepfather cause he is a "wierdo." (from SD) Sends emails to Biomam copying SD telling biomom she is a "terrible parent" and is responsible for ALL of SD problems. (we have copies) Invited unrelated 17 yo girlfriend (daughter's girlfriend) to live with him and SD at FL home (and go to school there). No parental supervision provided for 17 yo girlfriend. Just come "hang out" with SD and me in my home. Okay? Sends Biomom email stating he is "now retired" at the age of 44 (from pizza carrier job) and he will stop chid support payments since she "cannot garnish him if he has no income." Buys "country club" home in October of 2006 (how, who knows?) when daughter is well into 11th grade and asks her to move immediately and leave her friends, school, where she was in the school play (major goal for SD). When girlfriend was now invited to live in FL, SD says I will move now. SD's 17 yo girlfriend move wwith her was completely secret from us in planning to let daughter move. When Biomom objected to girlfriend moving into this unsupervised situation girlfriends parents agreed and then said no to their daughter (this family had money problems and this was a rent free way to save money they told us). I can go on and on without even trying. There is a big pattern here with biofather. He was always secretly planning with SD to do things, telling us very little or complete opposite details until things happened. He was always running us down to SD. Biomom: Single parent until SD was age 5. Went back to school to earn an RN in nursing. Has RN, works as a nurse. We struggled to purchase home and provide SD with her own room, bathroom, etc. We paid for ALL health care, summer camps, school expenses, everything. Never sent angry emails to biofather. Very polite (really). Never had secret plans with daughter. Sent photos, grades, reports to biofather. Would not respond to the angry threatening emails from biofather because she did not want to fight. Never limited sd contact with biofather. Encouraged daughter to phone biofather, etc. Went on with her life and did not fight or threaten biofather. Successfully remarried. Is often afraid to contact biofather due to previous physical assaults and threatening emails that are numerous and common to this day. Poor communication with biofather. Stepfather (Me) Accepted responsibility for raising and helping SD. Did not want to or try to replace biofather. Encouraged SD to have a "great" relationship with biofather. Yes I did. Due to limited child support, took care of most of step-daughters expenses since biomom's nurse position is part time and low pay for DC area. All OK. Never sent any angry emails to anyone. No troubles with the law, no arrests. Had to endure very hostile attitudes in last few years from SD when she returned home form FL visits. SD would settle down some after a few weeks. Endured "ambivalence" from SD over last 4 years and kept calmly doing for her as was required to help. Drove SD to and from school often due to transfer to a better school SD wanted to go to. I believe that we were good, loving, stable role models who did NOT try to manipulate our daughter with promises of big ticket toys as biofather has done. We did support our daughters decision to move in with her father without trying to control her or punish her. When the secret move with (very hard partying, yes!) girlfriend was discovered we knew that we had been lied to and deceived again. I truly believe that it was honest and right to contact the girlfriends parents and tell them of our concerns and objections to this live in situation in FL with all of the secrecy involved. No tattling was involved. Responsible parental communication. When we got back to the original plan, SD was then free to move of course. Are we not allowed to be hurt and concerned? Am I as a loving Stepfather not allowed to care so much? These are just the facts. Where are we so wrong here? I hope you can see that we are hurt and worried that our daughter will truly be at risk with her biofather. This is her choice, and she made it. Please try and see our side. We did nothing in secret and we are not trying to hurt our daughter in any way. My wife was grieving and felt that the stink and total mess in daughters room had to be cleaned up. She did leave all of the furniture in there, with bed frame temporarily taken apart for cleaning. Guess biomom should have left posters on the wall. She never realized it was so important. We have no motives here. Just sincerely worried for obvious reasons. That is a quick summary. I respect all opinions. Perhaps as a Stepfather I am not allowed to sincerely care for my beautiful SD. However I do and it hurts to see her in a situation that is potentially harmful to her. Thank you for listening.

I can't offer any advice except to move away if possible. That is the only way to be free of it. I offer that suggestion because my son went through a situation similar. He is married to someone like that and it got so bad he wanted to hit her. When his company closed for a 2 week shut down he checked himself in the hospital mental ward for help. They counseled with him and finally told him the marriage is dysfunctional and the only way he will ever have a normal life was to move so far away she couldn't follow him. At one time he moved two states away and she followed him. He didn't leave her and he is still fighting the same battles. They will never end.