We still have wipes in the bathrooms... my SC are 12 10 and 9 they all use them ... just a confidence thing. I know the 10 doesn't have the dexterity to "reach" where he needs to ... they have been using them for years. Just get the wipes tell him how many to use and when to use them... and how is he about showers? you can tell him that after he wipes if he still doesn't feel clean he is free to jump in the shower to get fresher...

I am sure others will have more advice ... but this is one argument I rather not get into with kids ... buying wipes is a lot easier than being on potty patrol... eventually they will learn the only thing is flushing them and how many to use... those have to explained for a "first time user" ...

My oldest SS is 11 and he's got it down pretty well, the 7 year old doesn't leave messes but will use a whole roll of toliot paper just 'making sure' he's clean. Those 'kandoos' work really well.

I would recommend DH giving him a wiping 'refresher' session - maybe he's just not comfortable or good with the process - then show him the kandoo's in case he needs them.

By his age he should be pretty capable of cleaning up after going to the bathroom. The only way I would reprimand him seriously if you suspect he is being unsanitary due to laziness.

We have a similar problem with a 10 year old and come to find out BM is still wiping for him and/or checking to make sure that he has wiped and getting what he has missed. I wonder if mom is being too helpful thereby not allowing him to do it for himself/ making him feel that he can't do it right??

Sometimes kids also hurry through the bathroom to get back to a game or tv, could this be an issue? In that case maybe a check list in the bathroom. You're not done until you wipe, wipe again, flush, wash, etc.

i agree with others. Buy those moist wipes and explain how to use them.

Your comment about making BF wash the undies out in the sink reminded me of a funny story.

My mom was always complaining at my brother to quit leaving smears in his undies, and I can remember her threatening to have him do this (wash them out in the sink), and then she actually made him do it when the problem continued. I remember him standing there crying, washing out his undies in the sink. Now, mind you, my brother is 6 years older than me, and I have an actual memory of this, so he must have been at least 12, 13, 14 years old. Anyway, he didn't do it anymore after that...either that or my mom just gave up on it because I never heard of it again.

I'm certainly not suggesting you make anyone do this. I just thought it was a funny story.

I like the idea about the wipes. I bought those for my youngest when I was trying to teach her to wipe, and they seemed to work pretty well.

Try to keep in mind that leaving some "marks" is standard for a boy...and I think maybe men in general. I know I've heard my mom complain to my dad about it, and I have told my husband to throw his undies away if they look like that. I think when they're working or busy, they're not as thorough or that they don't check to make sure there's paper first, and when it's too late, it's just too late to them.

Good luck!!

One word: Wipes. Buy them now! We use them in our household and our ages are 17, 18, 45, and 47. They are best thing since sliced bread. But be careful never to flush more than 2 down the toilet at one time and buy only the flushable kind (the package should say flushable on it). I laughed when I discovered DH and his sons use moist wipes, but now I use them too. They're great!

I thought it was insane that my DH was still wiping his daughter at age 6. I don't think I wiped for my kids after they were three or four. There was never a soiled pants problem when my kids were small that I can recall. (I do remember that my son threw his underpants away once because they were soiled, so maybe that's where they went, instead of the hamper)

If dad doesn't see a problem, let dad do his sons laundry, not just rinsing them out in the sink. My husband still does his daughter's laundry (and his own too).

and he also buys the wipes too. They are great!

Holy Moly Moms! Why are any of you willing to put up with such a low expectation of your menfolk?

My younger son has an autistic spectrum disorder plus a motor-coordination disorder that makes those types of movements unusually difficult for him. That said, he has been independently clump-free since age 4 and streak-free since age 6. Did HE care? Heck no. (He's also extremely undersensitive to smells, or the feeling of wet or messy undies.) But I do, and it's important to me to have him be as independent as possible. And all it took was a week or two of concerted effort.

Wet wipes are wonderful, and that's definitely the place to start. And a frank discussion of technique and a clear "you're not done until the paper is clean" message is also necessary. Give him a week or two with patient and frequent reminders as needed to get it, and if that doesn't work, time to implement the "you wash your own" policy. Don't do it in an angry or punishing way -- just a matter of fact "This stuff is too dirty to wash with the other clothes, so you'll have to pre-wash them." If he's got normal sensitivities to 'yuck', that'll solve the problem very quickly.

Would it be possible to talk to BioMom (email perhaps) so that you're on the same page?

I'll respond to a bunch of things at once here:

The general consensus from you guys seems to be that we should have a wiping technique chat and have those flushable wipes. That was what I was leaning towards as well. Thank you to whoever it was that mentioned making sure they say "flushable".
We don't have him enough to be on constant potty patrol, monitoring his progress for several weeks straight, so whatever we do about this has to fit the amount we have him and I think that approach is worth a shot.

So, now the hard part of the problem:
What do I do about getting BF to talk with him?
BF is a good dad, but he's not comfortable with that sort of things and he's not all that patient. So I know he will feel pressured into giving this tutorial, that he will hate it, and I suspect he will come off as grouchy during it, rather than matter-of-fact.
I was thinking of waiting to bring it up again until there is another pair of excessively poopy underwear, but I think I would rather be proactive and prevent future messes.
Should I ask him what he will say to A__, and suggest he do a practice chat to me? (He'll think that's totally lame, but it might make him more comfortable with A__)
Any suggestions? I have no clue how to encourage my BF on talking to his son about wiping properly and I need some ideas.

Or should I just do it myself next time A__ is here? Tell BF that I'm buying wipes and ask if he wants to talk to A__ about it, or if I should (I'm nearly certain he will say he doesn't want to). Then tell A__ "Hey, I bought these for you, because you said that even though you try your best, you have trouble wiping well. [Insert calm and matter-of-fact wiping tutorial here] and then if the paper is still dirty when you do the 'check' at the end, use one of these, just like you did with the paper, but they're wet, so they'll help. Check again, and if it's still dirty, use one more. Flush the wipes with everything else and wash your hands with soap. If you're still dirty, you can have a quick shower - I know you prefer baths, but this would just be a quick shower so you can soap up your bum, and you wouldn't even have to get your face or hair wet. I'll ask you tomorrow night if the wipes made it easier for you, and if they did, Dad or I will tell Mom that you liked them and that you'd like them at her house too."

I say do it yourself...that way you'll know it was done right and your BF doesn't have to be uncomfortable. Maybe BF would be up to checking on the progress in follow-up instead.

I would tell him myself if it is as bad as you say. Tell him you don't want him to stink, especially in school. Show him how to get a few sheets of tissue and wipe, then again. Have him look and see if the tissue is clean, wipe again if it's not. Finish with a wet wipe. The instructions on our wet wipes say no more than two wipes in one flush.

I would think a boy of that age and smaller could reach his bum, mine could. With his clothes on in the living room, have him squat, then put a piece of candy under his bum, tell him he has to reach behind him to get it......you'll see how easy it is. He may just not like to touch the stinky stuff even with tissue.

I think you are on the right track with your proposed poop chat - maybe BF could just be with you in the room while you did the talking so A__ knows you are all on the same page.

I also like Jonesy's reach test. Maybe it will help positively show him 'Look - you can do it!'

My niece went through a period of time where she had bathroom issues. She would have been utterly humiliated if she thought anyone but her mom knew about it. I don't know if you are the right person to address this with him. It is a very personal matter, and you are not his parent, although I realize you have that role in some ways. Also, maybe with the message coming from his dad he will take it more seriously.

I would give the child a hamper that his dirty clothes go into. And I would make BF launder them all until he is willing to address this issue with his son.

If you are on septic you shouldn't use flushable wipes, even if they say they are septic safe. They are not.

Ceph - last night on Super Nanny they had 6 and 5 year olds who wouldn't wipe themselves at all. S.N. had to instruct the mother on how to instruct them. I was cracking up as I pictured you in S.N's place standing outside the bathroom yelling "front to back!"

Haha, JNM, that is quite a funny image! Especially in my little suite that we're all living in right now!

So I bought some wipes for him (I even tested one out, and they're quite nice!). I talked to BF before I bought them, said that I think A__ needs a patient and matter-of-fact wiping lesson that includes all the points I said in my little model conversation I posted here, and asked if he would rather do it or he wants me to.
He said "I can do it, but do we really need to explain how to wipe??"
"You saw how bad it is... And he says he really tries, so I truly think he doesn't know how... So, yes, I think it needs to be that thorough. Do you want to do it, or do you want me to?"
And he said he thinks he can do it. We'll talk about it again tomorrow and I'll ask him to do a practice lesson to me to prepare for it.
I'll let you guys know if he chickens out (and I wound up giving the lesson) and how it went.
Thanks everyone for your input!