am I being selfish

18 years ago

Last week I ended up with a surprise emergency surgery. Long story short, I didn't know what was wrong until after I came out of surgery. Worst case, cancer and a full hysterectomy; luckily, I had the best case with an ovarian cyst bursting and one of my ovaries being removed. My husband has been as supportive as a guy knows how (boy I wish my mommy were here). It's been a week. My husband took Monday off work to be with me although ended up leaving three times during the day to drop something off at school for his son, eat lunch with his son and then pick his son up from school. His son has been acting like we are always trying to get rid of him so when he had to go to his uncle's Monday night, he acted all put out. (he had to spend the night so his uncle could take him to school the next morning - my husband had to leave for work at 4:15 am so he could get his son to counseling the next day and I can't drive for another week). They are now planning a time together for tonight. I'm not against that under normal circumstances, but they are planning on going to a movie which will take 2-3 hours. Today I'm having twenty staples removed and I was hoping I could have some company tonight. I thought they could go do something for an hour and then come home, but my husband wants to do what his son whats to do since his son will be with his mother for the entire spring break week. And, does a movie really qualify as quality time since they don't interact throughout the entire movie?

I understand my husband's concerns, he says he is trying to please everyone and his son will not always want him to do things with him, but his son now has such high expectations that when his dad is unable to do even the smallest thing, he acts like a spoiled child not getting his way.

I know my step son is going through a lot with a toxic mother and an even more toxic step father, but that has been going on for 2 plus years and I have only had this surgery once. Am I being selfish to want my husband home with me tonight. Last night my husband came home just to leave for a cub scout meeting- I felt like I had to go just so I could spend time with my husband- being in a room, even for an hour with those boys was really overdoing it - especially since I'm now out of the good medicine.

Here's another thing- the counselor and my step son seem to think that the only time the two have quality time is when they are by themselves totally. Somehow, if I speak to my husband via the telephone even for a couple of minutes, their time together was ruined. I thing that as long as the two are doing something together (like a boy scout activity) that should qualify for quality time together. Am I wrong here?

That last thing about the quality time was just an additional rant. I just want to know if I am being unreasonable wanting my husabnd home with me tonight?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (9)

organic_maria
18 years ago
You are not selfish and your are not unreasonable. Its just your husband is stuck between a rock and the next crashing wave about to hit him. He's stuck.
DO you have another friend in mind to keep you company or family?? I know its a difficult time for you because of your surgery and you should speak to your husband about sharing his time with you and his son.
My husband does it. His daughter doesn't like it but he has told her that EOW he spends with them and the other weekends are with his new family.
She doesn't like it but too bad. SUch is life. She is even angry at her mother now for having a new hubby for the last 4 years. Apparently giving the poor guy a rough time too. I use to think he was a loser but now i got a better picture.:)
Anyaways...speedy recovery and I strongly suggest you change councelor!
What a load of CR******p saying that a few minutes on the phone RUINS their time! Bunch of bogus! There are many ways of showinng your kids you love them. Sending them email, sending them letters, calling them besides having them over the weekend.
Drop in on a day off from work and go take them out to a restaurant.
Change councelor! Life doesnt' revolved only around a child. Life has to have balance.
serenity_now_2007
18 years ago
Howabout if they swing by the video store (with a target movie or two already in mind so it's quick) and the grocery store, just to pick up some popcorn & maybe some Milk Duds or Twizzlers (so, again, they're not gone long)... then come home and turn off all the lights and everybody can watch the movie together and have the "theater" experience at home?

If SS complains that it HAS TO BE at the movie theater, this would be a perfect opportunity to explain to him the value of compromising, especially with family members, and MOST ESPECIALLY when someone has been through an intense medical situation. It can be fun, a learning experience, and maybe even a chance for all 3 of you to bond just a little more.
Related Discussions
Grandparents travelling
Q
Comments (11)
Please, please, let them have their time when they can enjoy it. My father planned to retire at 62--and travel with my mother. He retired, but by then had been diagnosed with cancer. How I would have loved to see them have the time to enjoy themselves for at least a few years. Don't take their pleasure away from them--instead, may I respectfully recommend turning this into a plus? If possible, have your parents make videos of their travels--that include plenty of shots of themselves, of course--to send home to the girls. Kids love getting postcards and the pictures will help them understand where their grandparents are. Buy phone cards when they're on sale and send them to your parents along with your daughters' crayon pictures so they can call frequently. In a year or two, this will be a great learning experience--you'll be able to pull out a map and show them where Grandma and Grandpa are; to check the weather channel each day to see if it's sunny/raining/etc on G & G. Maybe at some point, you'll even be able to take a short trip to visit in the middle of their long vacation. All I'm suggesting is that there is good to be found here--maybe not as good as having your parents there everyday, but just think how wonderful it is that they've got enough good health, money, independence and spirit of adventure to still be enjoying their lives to the fullest. If they supported your journey into independence as you grew up, it's now your turn to return the favor.
...See More
I won't get divorced, but I can't stay unhappy forever
Q
Comments (49)
but prof. nice guy didn't ask about staying or leaving... exactly. He said he wanted to meet a woman who was more fun *& that his therapist encouraged him to do so*. which sounds like a lie. In fact, his initial post reads a little like a singles ad ("my sisters-in-law describe me as 'funny & sweet'", "I want to meet a woman who likes to laugh", etc) His request for 'advice' reads a lot like he's fishing for permission/approval/blessing,("it would be nice to keep my marriage but be emtionally close to someone, too") Snort! & his statement that his wife is willing to have sex without emotional involvement but he wants the involvement sounds really really strange, since it's backwards to what usually happens (woman wants emotional closeness, man willing to have sex without it). like he made it up & he's seeing what response it'll get. One of the worst experiences of my life was many years ago, when I was young & inexperienced & a married man caused me a lot of aggravation, but, as a result, my "married man on the prowl" detector still works pretty well:. I had been dating this guy for several weeks when I learned that he was married. only, as he said, since it didn't have anything to do with what went on between us, he didn't think he needed to mention it. He saw nothing wrong with lying to me, lying to his wife, complicating my life, his wife's life, his children's lives, heck, he wasn't worried about complicating *anybody's* life, as long as he could have dinner/clean house/charming children...& dates. It was degrading to be manipulated & lied to like that, it was mortifying to discover that I was the "other woman", & it was humiliating to extricate myself from the situation & answer the questions my friends asked about the "new guy" I had been so happy about. but the guy sort-of mentally shrugged & decided that I was just as crazy/needy/irrational as his wife, *since I was having a good time*... until I found out about this little bit of (irrelevant & superfluous) information. This is a married man on the prowl, looking for approval/justification, & he posted this to see what kind of objections he'd get, so he can refine his approach to the next "woman who likes to laugh" that he runs into in the real world. betcha.
...See More
Am I selfish
Q
Comments (12)
I was talking about this with a friend of mine recently. She has sons same age-range as mine (12-15). Our boys play roller hockey together. Her sons also play on other teams, roller and ice, up to 3 teams at the same time. They often rush from one hockey game to another, they spend entire weekends traveling; there are camps; expensive and time consuming. Hockey is not her thing, it's her kids' thing. I commented that she has made more committment that I would be willing to make. But, my boys are content to play on one local team, giving up a couple days/week for practice/games. They enjoy their free time, they don't ask to play more. Her boys are begging to play every minute they have. So just because it's not right for my family, doesn't mean it isn't right for hers. My DD is in competitive gymnastics and at 8 y/o she is in the gym at least 7 hours a week (easy right now, tough during school year). She has 4-5 meets in the winter, not more than 30 mins away so far. Team parents are required to put in a lot of volunteer time to support the team, meets and gym. Less committment than a future Olympian, but more than the average 8 y/o. DD does ask to go to the gym every free minute, she is passionate about her sport in a way her brothers are not. If she continues, by the time DD is 12-15 y/o she would be in the gym 6 days/week, up to 20 hours/week. Meets will be more frequent and farther, sometimes requiring overnight stays. My friend knows all this. In response to my statement about her committment to hockey, she asked if I'll stop DD when gymnastics gets to that point. I'll tell you, she shut me up. How can I let DD work that hard, watch her set a goal and reach it, then tell her it's over, she can't go any further? I know another family dedicated to baseball. The travel to the Little League World Series every year. Thousands $$$. In their case, while the boys are very good, I see the father living vicariously. He was a college athlete who was injured and had to stop. My observation of him is that it matters to him that his sons are "cool." His kids are trophies on the mantle to him. The better they are at the sport, the better father that proves him to be. As much as he disturbs me, I still have to say those family road trips to the LL World Series are going to be great memories for the whole family. They trade pins, go to pro games with the whole team, and father and sons sleep on bunks in barracks! LOL. They definitely have a good time and bond, that point cannot be denied. As parents, want to give our kids the opportunity to pursue their talents and interests. There is nothing wrong with that. Each family is unique, with different needs and dynamics. There is nothing wrong with that, either. Each family has to figure out their own boundaries with these things, their own way to handle the ups and downs of the activities. There is no single formula for activity involvement, no magic amount of time, that will work for every family. It isn't fair for one person's hobby to consume all the family's time, energy and resources. So I don't think you are selfish to say "Hey, this is too much for me." Your family needs to talk about this, have a family meeting. There is nothing wrong with sitting down regularly to evaluate your involvement in the sport. Let the girls think about what they want/need, not just keep going on momentum "because that's what we've always done." Talk about the concerns of time, giving up other family outtings. If your DH's concern is staying involved with girls, talk about how that can still be accomplished. It's good to stop occassionally to question your family's goals, motives, and methods and make adjustments. Like I said, each family has it's unique issues. We have 4 kids, ages 6 to 15. So that creates its own set of issues to deal with, we can't be all places at once. I don't go to all of 15 y/o DS's hockey games, even though they are local. They don't end until 10pm. So if it's a school night, I'm home getting the other kids to bed. DH coaches, so he is always there. DH does not go to all of DD's gymnastics meets. They are very long, and I am often "working" them, and another kid often has a conflicting activity. We have to "divide and conquer." Our youngest will start playing baseball this fall. So we're in for another twist in the family schedule. You really just need to talk out what is best for your family. As the mom, you have a good sense of when the balance has gotten a little off, and there is nothing selfish about wanting to get it in check again. It might mean small or big adjustments. But only your family can decide what is best for all of you.
...See More
considering a catahoula
Q
Comments (9)
I think your dog would appreciate a buddy. Dogs are pack animals and they do well when they have a dog companion. The catahoula breed may be questionable for your circumstances. I think of them as rural working cattle dogs. Even though George and Dori got along well, not every catahoula is going to be a George. And George is only 6 months old, he may be more driven when he gets to be 2 years old. I could see a catahoula trying to herd Dori around. Which she may not like? IME, herding/cattle dogs need a job (and a really devoted and strong trainer) else they become bored and then destructive or have behavioral issues. So if you really want a catahoula and are willing to invest what it takes to keep the dog trained, exercised and occupied then go ahead. George's breed is not necessarily an indication that Dori would get along with a different dog of the same breed. You might find a rescue or shelter that would let Dori come and visit and find another dog that she likes.
...See More
imamommy
18 years ago
Sandianne, you are not being unreasonable. Last night, my DH & SD & I watched a movie at home. She sat next to her daddy & I sat on the other side of her. Kids should have alone time with their parent, the step parent doesn't always have to be included, but that doesn't mean they should be excluded and ignored. I'm not sure how old your SS is, but if he's over the age of 7, he should be able to understand that you had surgery and don't want to be left alone. It's a temporary thing and he should try to be understanding. If it were his father or even a friend that had surgery, would he not care? The father, in my opinion, is teaching his son to be selfish if he is showing him that even though his wife is recovering & needs him, that he will leave his wife home to make the son happy. The son is going to learn how to treat his wife by seeing how his mother is treated by the step father and how his father treats his step mother. Is that a lesson he wants his son to learn? If you were both the biological parents of this boy, would he have left you home to recover alone and gone off with the son? I think it's inconsiderate and setting a bad example.

I don't wanna hear about how they need their alone time because I agree they do. They also have to make exceptions and compromises sometimes when something unexpected comes up.
sandieanne
Original Author
18 years ago
No one else for me to spend time with. I moved to him- two hours away from where I was living and the closest family is two states away. No friends to really count on except coworkers. There is a couple that are his friends, but they are uncomfortable to be around as his 'friend' slept with my husband's ex-wife (while they were still married) and I don't thing his wife knows. Needless to say, I have a hard time wanting to be around them.

I was just getting to the point of trying to get out and do things for myself because I was losing myself trying to take care of my husband and his son. I really wish I lived closer to my family.
finedreams
18 years ago
Get better soon! You are not selfish. He absolutelly should not go see movies when you are removing 20 staples, what is the big deal with his son. Kids are important, but there are times when other things are more important. What does it teach his son? That he is the center of the universe? I would absolutelly want and need somebody with me when I recover. Overall, after such a big surgery I would want him to make me a priority. And honestly this kid knows you are recovering why would he insist on going to see movies?

Get better soon and yes his son needs to hear that things can't be always the way he wants to. Yes they need time alone but not when you are just out of the hospital!!!
mom_of_4
18 years ago
you are absolutely not being selfish and (to save myself the typing) second what ima said
sieryn
18 years ago
You are NOT selfish. When I was hospitalized with kidney problems DH canceled all plans he had and never left my side till I was home and recovered. SS got very agitated because Dad did miss one baseball game (he had the assistant coach fill in for him) and he explained it like this "Your SM has been through alot, she is very sick and just had an operation, I won't leave her anymore than I wouldn't leave you if you had surgery. I'm sorry, but this is a special circumstance and I will miss your game." After he explained it like that, he really wasn't that mad. I think SS is being a tad insensitive to what you've been through, DH needs to talk to him - empathy for others is a pillar of good character. SS could learn that lesson in this situation.
sandieanne
Original Author
18 years ago
While at the doctors office I talked with my husband and explained how I was feeling about tonight and his leaving. He was at first a little upset- I think more out of frustration and feeling conflicted. After a few minutes he called himself an inconsiderate bad name which I corrected. I just told him he wasn't thinking through the whole situation. We ended up waiting a little longer for the doc than I usually do and my husband came back to being himself and then read Green Eggs and Ham to me ...yes, out loud in the waiting room :) There's just something about a loved one reading Dr. Suess to make things feel ok.

I am now on the good drugs again(the wonderful doctor made up for his taking a little longer by giving me a new script and a referral for a fertility specialist)

We came home a little bit ago. I'm going to take a little nap now that the drugs are kicking in and the boys went to the park for a little while to fly a kite. They are then coming home to cook dinner. My step son wanted to make dinner tonight. For those who were wondering, he is ten.

I told my husband that I didn't mind them wanting to do something for a little while, I just didn't want them gone all night. He changed their plans to the kite flying (and the weather is perfect for it). I feel much better about the whole situation and am thankful for all of your support and advise. As you can all relate, things get crazy in this step family world. I count myself lucky for my health (even with this set back) and that my husband 'got it' this time. I have to admit, he really tries. He just needs a good kick sometimes.

Thank you for your advise and support. I used some of the things you all said when I talked to him. I think that helped. I also appreciate all the well wishes.
organic_maria
18 years ago
I'm really glad to hear it worked for all of you. And best speedy recovery!

am I being selfish

Comments (9)

organic_maria

serenity_now_2007

Related Discussions

imamommy

sandieanne
Original Author

finedreams

mom_of_4

sieryn

sandieanne
Original Author

organic_maria

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

am I being selfish

Comments (9)

organic_maria

serenity_now_2007

Related Discussions

imamommy

sandieanneOriginal Author

finedreams

mom_of_4

sieryn

sandieanneOriginal Author

organic_maria

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

sandieanne
Original Author

sandieanne
Original Author