am I being selfish

16 years ago

Last week I ended up with a surprise emergency surgery. Long story short, I didn't know what was wrong until after I came out of surgery. Worst case, cancer and a full hysterectomy; luckily, I had the best case with an ovarian cyst bursting and one of my ovaries being removed. My husband has been as supportive as a guy knows how (boy I wish my mommy were here). It's been a week. My husband took Monday off work to be with me although ended up leaving three times during the day to drop something off at school for his son, eat lunch with his son and then pick his son up from school. His son has been acting like we are always trying to get rid of him so when he had to go to his uncle's Monday night, he acted all put out. (he had to spend the night so his uncle could take him to school the next morning - my husband had to leave for work at 4:15 am so he could get his son to counseling the next day and I can't drive for another week). They are now planning a time together for tonight. I'm not against that under normal circumstances, but they are planning on going to a movie which will take 2-3 hours. Today I'm having twenty staples removed and I was hoping I could have some company tonight. I thought they could go do something for an hour and then come home, but my husband wants to do what his son whats to do since his son will be with his mother for the entire spring break week. And, does a movie really qualify as quality time since they don't interact throughout the entire movie?

I understand my husband's concerns, he says he is trying to please everyone and his son will not always want him to do things with him, but his son now has such high expectations that when his dad is unable to do even the smallest thing, he acts like a spoiled child not getting his way.

I know my step son is going through a lot with a toxic mother and an even more toxic step father, but that has been going on for 2 plus years and I have only had this surgery once. Am I being selfish to want my husband home with me tonight. Last night my husband came home just to leave for a cub scout meeting- I felt like I had to go just so I could spend time with my husband- being in a room, even for an hour with those boys was really overdoing it - especially since I'm now out of the good medicine.

Here's another thing- the counselor and my step son seem to think that the only time the two have quality time is when they are by themselves totally. Somehow, if I speak to my husband via the telephone even for a couple of minutes, their time together was ruined. I thing that as long as the two are doing something together (like a boy scout activity) that should qualify for quality time together. Am I wrong here?

That last thing about the quality time was just an additional rant. I just want to know if I am being unreasonable wanting my husabnd home with me tonight?

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Comments (9)

organic_maria
16 years ago
You are not selfish and your are not unreasonable. Its just your husband is stuck between a rock and the next crashing wave about to hit him. He's stuck.
DO you have another friend in mind to keep you company or family?? I know its a difficult time for you because of your surgery and you should speak to your husband about sharing his time with you and his son.
My husband does it. His daughter doesn't like it but he has told her that EOW he spends with them and the other weekends are with his new family.
She doesn't like it but too bad. SUch is life. She is even angry at her mother now for having a new hubby for the last 4 years. Apparently giving the poor guy a rough time too. I use to think he was a loser but now i got a better picture.:)
Anyaways...speedy recovery and I strongly suggest you change councelor!
What a load of CR******p saying that a few minutes on the phone RUINS their time! Bunch of bogus! There are many ways of showinng your kids you love them. Sending them email, sending them letters, calling them besides having them over the weekend.
Drop in on a day off from work and go take them out to a restaurant.
Change councelor! Life doesnt' revolved only around a child. Life has to have balance.
serenity_now_2007
16 years ago
Howabout if they swing by the video store (with a target movie or two already in mind so it's quick) and the grocery store, just to pick up some popcorn & maybe some Milk Duds or Twizzlers (so, again, they're not gone long)... then come home and turn off all the lights and everybody can watch the movie together and have the "theater" experience at home?

If SS complains that it HAS TO BE at the movie theater, this would be a perfect opportunity to explain to him the value of compromising, especially with family members, and MOST ESPECIALLY when someone has been through an intense medical situation. It can be fun, a learning experience, and maybe even a chance for all 3 of you to bond just a little more.
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Please, please, let them have their time when they can enjoy it. My father planned to retire at 62--and travel with my mother. He retired, but by then had been diagnosed with cancer. How I would have loved to see them have the time to enjoy themselves for at least a few years. Don't take their pleasure away from them--instead, may I respectfully recommend turning this into a plus? If possible, have your parents make videos of their travels--that include plenty of shots of themselves, of course--to send home to the girls. Kids love getting postcards and the pictures will help them understand where their grandparents are. Buy phone cards when they're on sale and send them to your parents along with your daughters' crayon pictures so they can call frequently. In a year or two, this will be a great learning experience--you'll be able to pull out a map and show them where Grandma and Grandpa are; to check the weather channel each day to see if it's sunny/raining/etc on G & G. Maybe at some point, you'll even be able to take a short trip to visit in the middle of their long vacation. All I'm suggesting is that there is good to be found here--maybe not as good as having your parents there everyday, but just think how wonderful it is that they've got enough good health, money, independence and spirit of adventure to still be enjoying their lives to the fullest. If they supported your journey into independence as you grew up, it's now your turn to return the favor.
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This guy is a jerk. You cannot force him to be a good parent. The fact that he spent very little time in the hospital and then left you 1 week after your son arrived home is proof enough. FD she cannot go for CS. He has no job therefore no cash. And it will be a pain over the years to watch and see if he does every get a job. My thoughts is he is not going to so he wont pay. The real question is do you really want a person such as this to be exposed to your son and for your son to learn and look up to such a loser? I personally would not want to be around a human like this regardless if he is the biological father. His standards do not look that high and smoking around his child when he knows that he has breathing difficulty and has no interesting in improving your child health to me is a very big issues. He may have visitation eow weekend and wednesday but the smoking has to stop or visitation should cease until the gets it through his skull that for health reasons he should not smoke around his child. Personally, i would not want anything to do with him and i wouldnt' want my child to be influenced and i would pack up go and leave. Sorry that's how i feel with a man such as you have described. No you wont get Cs or any support from him but hey, at least your kid will be in a better caring environment and that is waht counts. As for the future on what to say to your son, well, that's delicate. Cs, you cannot force anyone to work if they do not want to. you can apply and the courts can calculate allllll they want. But if daddy dear sponges off girlfriends for the rest of his life you will not see a penny. And you will waste alot of time, effort and cash on your part the money you will not see. My friend chased hers for 17 years and not a dime...he owed thousands. but because her ex was living with a very rich girlfriend and he didnt' work...therefore no cash towards ex wife...he also didn't see his kids and was a jerk as well. Its your call. Do what is best for your son , his health is important. If dad cannot follow the health instructions for your son, like the drip and etc. appointemnts, then he doesn't get him. Will you forgive yourself if one day, in his care, your son has a wheezing attack and passes? What will you do? i'm serious. I'm not here to scare you but you are his mother. If his dad is irresponsible do NOT send him there. I know you need a break...but ask for time with friends and family not from a jerk who obviously is not taking care of his son properly.
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imamommy
16 years ago
Sandianne, you are not being unreasonable. Last night, my DH & SD & I watched a movie at home. She sat next to her daddy & I sat on the other side of her. Kids should have alone time with their parent, the step parent doesn't always have to be included, but that doesn't mean they should be excluded and ignored. I'm not sure how old your SS is, but if he's over the age of 7, he should be able to understand that you had surgery and don't want to be left alone. It's a temporary thing and he should try to be understanding. If it were his father or even a friend that had surgery, would he not care? The father, in my opinion, is teaching his son to be selfish if he is showing him that even though his wife is recovering & needs him, that he will leave his wife home to make the son happy. The son is going to learn how to treat his wife by seeing how his mother is treated by the step father and how his father treats his step mother. Is that a lesson he wants his son to learn? If you were both the biological parents of this boy, would he have left you home to recover alone and gone off with the son? I think it's inconsiderate and setting a bad example.

I don't wanna hear about how they need their alone time because I agree they do. They also have to make exceptions and compromises sometimes when something unexpected comes up.
sandieanne
Original Author
16 years ago
No one else for me to spend time with. I moved to him- two hours away from where I was living and the closest family is two states away. No friends to really count on except coworkers. There is a couple that are his friends, but they are uncomfortable to be around as his 'friend' slept with my husband's ex-wife (while they were still married) and I don't thing his wife knows. Needless to say, I have a hard time wanting to be around them.

I was just getting to the point of trying to get out and do things for myself because I was losing myself trying to take care of my husband and his son. I really wish I lived closer to my family.
finedreams
16 years ago
Get better soon! You are not selfish. He absolutelly should not go see movies when you are removing 20 staples, what is the big deal with his son. Kids are important, but there are times when other things are more important. What does it teach his son? That he is the center of the universe? I would absolutelly want and need somebody with me when I recover. Overall, after such a big surgery I would want him to make me a priority. And honestly this kid knows you are recovering why would he insist on going to see movies?

Get better soon and yes his son needs to hear that things can't be always the way he wants to. Yes they need time alone but not when you are just out of the hospital!!!
mom_of_4
16 years ago
you are absolutely not being selfish and (to save myself the typing) second what ima said
sieryn
16 years ago
You are NOT selfish. When I was hospitalized with kidney problems DH canceled all plans he had and never left my side till I was home and recovered. SS got very agitated because Dad did miss one baseball game (he had the assistant coach fill in for him) and he explained it like this "Your SM has been through alot, she is very sick and just had an operation, I won't leave her anymore than I wouldn't leave you if you had surgery. I'm sorry, but this is a special circumstance and I will miss your game." After he explained it like that, he really wasn't that mad. I think SS is being a tad insensitive to what you've been through, DH needs to talk to him - empathy for others is a pillar of good character. SS could learn that lesson in this situation.
sandieanne
Original Author
16 years ago
While at the doctors office I talked with my husband and explained how I was feeling about tonight and his leaving. He was at first a little upset- I think more out of frustration and feeling conflicted. After a few minutes he called himself an inconsiderate bad name which I corrected. I just told him he wasn't thinking through the whole situation. We ended up waiting a little longer for the doc than I usually do and my husband came back to being himself and then read Green Eggs and Ham to me ...yes, out loud in the waiting room :) There's just something about a loved one reading Dr. Suess to make things feel ok.

I am now on the good drugs again(the wonderful doctor made up for his taking a little longer by giving me a new script and a referral for a fertility specialist)

We came home a little bit ago. I'm going to take a little nap now that the drugs are kicking in and the boys went to the park for a little while to fly a kite. They are then coming home to cook dinner. My step son wanted to make dinner tonight. For those who were wondering, he is ten.

I told my husband that I didn't mind them wanting to do something for a little while, I just didn't want them gone all night. He changed their plans to the kite flying (and the weather is perfect for it). I feel much better about the whole situation and am thankful for all of your support and advise. As you can all relate, things get crazy in this step family world. I count myself lucky for my health (even with this set back) and that my husband 'got it' this time. I have to admit, he really tries. He just needs a good kick sometimes.

Thank you for your advise and support. I used some of the things you all said when I talked to him. I think that helped. I also appreciate all the well wishes.
organic_maria
16 years ago
I'm really glad to hear it worked for all of you. And best speedy recovery!

am I being selfish

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