Too much?? advice please

mummykim

Hi.

I am a Mum of 2- one being a step child, I am 27 years old and am struggling with our current situation.

Quick explanation of our situation-

To cut a long story short, Me and my partner concieved within a week of being together me being aged 25. I wasnt ready for children but i couldnt get rid of life like that so we agreed to make things work. I love him very much and he also has a 3yo son at the time whom he has 4 times a week who i love very much.

Our relationship was very rushed as we had 9 months to mould our family together. I moved in, grew my bump and learned to love and grow as a family. The turning point was when my partner decided that now i was here, there was no need for him to take his child with him in the morning, instead he could leave him with me so he wouldnt have to wake up so early. I hated this as i was having morning sickness every day and felt like at a time i shoud be relaxing and enjoying my 1st pregnancy, i was having to get up early be sick and look after a child while his mother lay in bed.

I got over this, we had our child and our family has merged together very well but i still feel like the responibility of looking after him is too much for me. My child is not yet in school and when i should be waking up nicely and having morning snuggles with my child, i am getting up doing sandwiches and school runs and i am struggling with this. I do love him very much but i feel like i am resenting him now for not allowing me to have the moments every 1st time mother should have.

I loved that my partner has his son so much at the start but i didnt think that the responibility would be on me soo much to make this happen. In the same breath i would hate for him to see his child less because i said no to looking after him.

Me and my partner have spoke about this before but he sees it as an attack and gets on the defense straight away to the point where i am scared to bring these issues up, but as time goes on, i am getting more and more depressed with the situation and know that i cant take much more of it. I have tried.

Am I being silly, Should I lie in the bed Iv made, Am i being selfish. He goes to work so surely i should look after his child. I just know im not happy doing so and hate the thought of me having to stay in and wait for his son to come home while his mom sleeps in and gets time to do whatever she wants.

I feel like a Nanny and i dont want to be one.

Advice please

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Comments (11)
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sylviatexas1

Yes.
You're being selfish.

unreasonable.

ungrateful.

unrealistic.

You got pregnant by a man who already has a child.
You chose to have & to keep your baby.
Your significant other *married* you, like a grown-up responsible person.

He goes out every day to support the family while you stay at home with the children, & you...
resent having to make sandwiches & take care of your husband's small child?

His children take precedence over you.
They come first.

If you cannot love his child unconditionally, if you cannot love his child that he created with someone else as much as you love the one he created with you, cut the line & let him find someone who can.

Divorce this guy;
I can find him 50 young ladies who will take care of him & his children & be grateful they don't have to get out of that snuggly bed & drop the kids off at daycare so they can work their fulltime jobs & pick the kids up at daycare & go home & do all the things you have all day to do.

Realize this:
You *are* living the life every mother would like to live.

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mummykim

Sylvia.

Thank you for your very brutal but honest response.

Your right, Probably am living the life every mother would like to live , and when im 35 Ill probably kick myself but right now. I feel like iv been thrown into this. I went from being a young carefree career minded woman to a full blown house wife.

I dont think im being ungratefull, maybe selfish yes but not ungratefull. I have given my life and career for this man as he has given me, I am gratefull that he works but so will i when my child is old enough.

When we agreed to have our child and quote were not married. I didnt think that the responsibility would be on me soo much to look after his child. I am in this for him and yes i will love his child but when his ex is just down the road then why should i have to take her responsibilities when i struggle with my own.

Your obviously from a different time to me and you probably would be happy to cook clean and look after a family but i am not, therefor i struggle especially when the duties are based around a child that is not mine. As for love, I love this child. I have done for 3 years but you cant tell me that every step mom loves their spouses child as much as their own. Its impossible.

Your right, I should leave him for someone like you who is actually happy with this lifestyle but i love him and his child so am just fighting with myself as to what i should do.

This has been very helpfull tho sylvia, .

Thank you very much, seriously. I needed that

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sylviatexas1

'I went from being a young carefree career minded woman to a full blown house wife.;

by your own decision.

You weren't "thrown" into this role;
you grabbed it with both hands.

& how would you have thought that you could continue to be a career-minded person & stay at home with a baby?

Are you even a real person?

Your rhetoric certainly is beginning to sound inflammatory.

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jewelisfabulous

When my son was 4 and in a pre-school program, I found that I was doing about 80% of the drop offs and pick ups every work week. At the time, I worked as long of hours as my husband did and had just as much on-the-job responsibility. It was an inequitable arrangement. If I had been a stay-at-home Mom at that time, I would have felt the same way.

So, I sat down with him and brought up the problem. I shared with him my frustrations, he mentioned his concerns, and we came up with a new schedule that involved him taking a more active role. That's how child rearing responsibilities are handled in a healthy manner.

Your boyfriend managed to take his child in the morning before you came along, so there's no reason why you have to do so 100% of the time now. So, yes, you are NOT selfish for wanting the two other adult parents to step up and share this responsibility.

What bothers me most about your post is when you say: "Me and my partner have spoke about this before but he sees it as an attack and gets on the defense straight away to the point where i am scared to bring these issues up." This does not bode well for a happy, long-term relationship.

For the good of all involved, I suggest you consider finding a therapist experienced in "blended family" issues. If your boyfriend won't go, it would be beneficial for you to go by yourself. It'll help you to talk through your concerns with someone trained in these situations who can give you the tools to use to better manage your homelife for the good of all involved.

Best wishes to you.

This post was edited by Jewel654 on Wed, Feb 4, 15 at 16:48

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mummykim

firstly to sylvia.

I dont understand why you have came on here and attacked me. I posted my concerns because i needed another point of view and yes you gave it to me but in a very assuming and nasty way. I didnt grab this with both hands, in fact, It was a choice between killing my unborn child and carrying on with my career, I got to the abortion clinic and thank god i couldnt do it and I chose the latter. This was the best decision of my life and i am a very good mum so yes i made this decision and I fully stand by it. But i wasnt bounding into this. I had a very hard decision to make, hence the teething issues that i am experiencing.

Jewel.

You have been much more helpfull and constructive in your criticism and thank you for confirming that my thoughts are not abnormal. After your response me and my partner had a talk last night and he agrees and completely understands that i am feeling a bit overwhelmed with the situation.

I just wanted to say thank you because had you have not posted i probably wouldnt have plucked up the courage to address these issues with him.

We have had a lot of adjusting to do in such a small amount of time and im sure well get there in the end. I do love this child and just find it hard to be feeling this way, You have gave me the reassurance that this is normal. We have come a long way since we got together. We have climbed mountains and came out very much on top with a few slippery slopes which i think is very good given how it all started. I was never going to throw it all away over these feelings, Just needed some reassurance and courage/ ammo to address them.

Sooooo thank full for your response, Me and my partner are now feeling much better and i don't feel like a selfish struggling step mom.

Thank You very Much

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jewelisfabulous

So happy to hear that you gathered the courage to broach the subject with your boyfriend and that you had a positive result. Glad I could help!

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sylviatexas1

In your first post, you said you wanted to stay in bed & snuggle with your baby, not even getting up to make sandwiches.

In your second post, you said you understand that maybe someone like me would be satisfied to stay at home , which is one of the inflammatory-sounding elements, but that you weren't happy with the change from being a "career" person.

If one thing is true, the other one cannot be.

I hope you get your situation straightened out.

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colleenoz

But seriously, if you weren't ready for children, then why the hell did you get pregnant within (by your own admission) _one week_ of starting a new relationship? Why on earth were you not using contraception so you wouldn't get pregnant until you were ready to have kids and also sure that this man was the one you wanted to spend your life with and be the father of your children?

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mummykim

Let me just fill you in,

I have never been the kind of woman to sleep with just anybody. This guy was the 1st id been with for 2 years and I did know him previously so I knew that he was a good candidate to be the 1. Yes we should've used contraception but it ended up that we had what is called "drunken sex". This was a shock when we got pregnant but lucky enough for me it turns out that he is the love of my life and he is the 1. I wasnt ready for children but it happened and my family is the best thing that has ever happened to me, Infacat id say we have a better relationship than most who had planned to be honest. It has just been hard adjusting to the situation but at this moment in time everything is perfect and im growing into an amazing woman. Just needed some advise as to how i was feeling so thankyou everybody for your posts its been fab.

Loving My Life xx

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mummykim

Silvia.

Thank you for your time, but i cant be bothered to talk about semantics, Yes i love morning snuggles with my child. It doesnt mean that my goal is to be a stay at home Mum.

I sounded inflammatory towards you because your reply was an attack on me for a start- hence why it has been taken down, and also because I felt that your reply came from a place that was relavent 60 years ago.

I dont want to be a stay at home mum while my husband brings home the bacon. I dont see that as being every Mothers dream as you put across.

Different generations, different thinking. Im not judging you, Were just coming from 2 totally different places.

Your opinion and time has not gone in vein, and I have taken something from you so once again thank you.

Our family is in a very good place a the moment. x

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colleenoz

>> Yes we should've used contraception but it ended up that we had what is called "drunken sex". This was a shock when we got pregnant but lucky enough for me it turns out that he is the love of my life and he is the 1.

<<

That's all well and good, and I'm glad for you that it did turn out well, but in all seriousness, how would you feel now if you were instead posting on another forum, "I had unprotected sex one week after meeting a guy then found out he was an abuser", or "I had unprotected sex one week after meeting a guy and now I'm HIV positive"?

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