Help, I need some serious advice about my 11 year old SD

20 years ago

Sorry but this is going to be a long one. Quick history, My wife and I got married 3 years ago, ( second marriage for both ) she brought in one daughter at the time 8 years old ( now 11 ) I brought in three sons now 16, 17 ,21. My 16 year old and her daughter live with us, my other sons are with my ex wife. My ex wife is for the most part still in the picture ( meaning we communicate about our shared children once a month or so, and we both talk to our children on a regular basis), however my wifes ex husband has not seen my SD in almost 3 years. We have tried telling him that my SD wants to see him, but he basically abandoned her when my wife and I got married and my SD and him have talked 3 times on the phone in 3 years. She has become very arguementive with me over the last couple of years, and its getting worse everyday. Everyday its a battle of wits between her and I, and lately she's showing the same disrespect to her mother although not as bad. She feels everyone hates her, espically me, and that I treat her totally different than what she calls my perfect son ( trust me he ain't perfect ) I tell them both, they have choices they can make and there are consequences to their choices, if they dont' do their chores, they lose computer and phone rivileges that night for example. So in that respect, they are treated identical. My son won't argue with me, he simply do what I ask him to, take out the garbage etc, my Sd on the other hand, you'd think I was asking the world of. I personally feel this has a lot to do with her parents Divorce and the fact her father hasnt' seen her in 3 years, and she's blaming me for it, hence the acting out, the arguing etc. Its gotten to the point that my SD thinks everyone would be better off with her not living here, and that everyone hates her, ( this isn't true at all ) We've had numerous talks about it, but its the same in a matter of days,back to the arguing etc. My wife feels that I'm to blame for this as I am harder on my SD than on my son, my arguement there is that if my son back talked me the way she did, he'd be in as much trouble. I feel that I just want her to do what I ask when i ask it, without arguing about it. How Do I get thru to an 11 year old girl that this is all I want, and I want us to be a happy family, not one stressed out daily by all this fighting. This is starting to affect my marriage as I feel helpless to get this under control, and have no idea what to do. Any thoughts or help is apprieciated.

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Comments (5)

Vivian Kaufman
20 years ago
First of all, I don't think that YOU should be the one trying to get through to your stepdaughter. This is your wife's territory. SHE has to be the one to enforce the rules because she's HER daughter. I realize the dad is out of the picture, but that does not mean that you can just step in there and do that job. I don't think that it matters how long dad's been gone or how long you've been married. You're not her dad, but your wife certainly IS her mother. That's where the authority needs to come from. I think that it's out of your hands.

Also, I really think that at age 11, girls are a bit more argumentative. I think that they start earlier in life to carve out that little bit of independence than boys. They do mature faster. Part of it is just natural progression, I'm sure.

I just don't think that you can be the "enforcer" here.
User
20 years ago
" lately she's showing the same disrespect to her mother"

This is one area you can influence.

One of my uncles (at 24) married an older divorced woman who had an 11 and a 13-year old daughter. One of them was extremely disrespectful to her mom and he stopped it by saying "I am not your father. I have no plans to try to replace your father in your affections. However, I am your mother's husband and I insist that you treat MY WIFE with respect."
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sfmlymomma
20 years ago
hi

I know what you are going through. I have a 10 year old and she is very disrespectful. I have been with her father for 3 years. Her mother is in the picture and i think that makes it worse because my step daughter always tells us "my mom says that I shouldn't have to do that." It has even gotten to the point where she tells me she hates me and wishes that I were dead. Now when you are giving her your all and she tells you that, that really cuts you where it hurts. I do think that you should be gettting her to do things because you should not have to just sit back and take it and she needs to learn to respect you. I can ask my step daughter to take her dirty dishes to the sink and rather than doing it she will throw them on the floor. It is a very big strain on my relationship with her father because he says if you ignore it she will give up. Well sorry I wasn't raised that way and it is my house too. I don't think anyone should be disrespected in their own home. You are the adult you may not be her real father but you are the only father figuar you have and you are the dad of the house so asking her to do things isn't to much to ask. I don't know how to deal with it the only thing that I can say is stand your ground it will get real bad but once she sees that you are not going to give in and that that behavior is unexcptable she will change. She doesn't have someone putting it in her head that its ok to do that. hang in there.

Sarah
sfmlymomma@aol.com
dirt_yfingernails
20 years ago
When we took in my DSG'son nearly 3 years ago, he had not once in his life been disciplined nor had any responsibilities or chores. His custodial GM said he couldn't be disciplined because of his Asperger's autism. He was mighty unhappy when he'd lose TV or game privileges for his bad behavior such as hitting or kicking teachers and classmates.

He told us countless times he wanted to go back and live with grandma. We answered that he did not live with grandma now, he lives with us and we go by our house rules. Things are much easier, but he keeps finding new ways nearly every day to challenge us and/or drive us crazy. His other DGM bought him an Xbox for Christmas. He ended up losing privileges for a month and a half (did I mention he's very determined to get his way?) He has it back now with limitations - after supper and homework only. And he seems appreciative enough that he hasn't misbehaved in school for a couple of weeks.

Don't worry too much when they say they hate you or want to live elsewhere. It's just their anger speaking. Last summer when our grandson went to spend the summer with the other GM, she called us after 2 weeks begging us to come get him. He spent all his time curled up in a ball on his bed crying to come back to our home.
whitton41
Original Author
20 years ago
Well slept on the couch last night ( what a joy) after yet another arguement about S.D. with my wife. This last week has been filled with the same crap different day. So heres the scenerio. My wife and I work differing shifts most of the time, so I end up spending most of the time with my S.d. After school and evenings, my wife works mainly 4 - midnight shifts. Last week was more of just the same, my s.d talking to me anyway she feels like it ( totally no respect ) and a week of mainly all out battles between us. Yesterday, i argued with her for 4 hours trying to get her to clean her room, when i can't see the floor and there are dirty dishes in there, its time for her to clean it, finally i just gave up told her to do whatever she wants, live like a pig, i'm beyond caring, and i stopped talking to her for the day. Now over the week she had lost her computer time, phone time and tv time for lying to us about her school homework ( telling us it was all done, after parent teacher confrence we found out she had not been doing any of it ) she ended up grounded. Anyways, wife comes home, s.d comes out of room, talking as sweet as ever, Oh hi daddy blah blah blah, i just said uh huh. after an hour, i went in the computer room, there my wife on her computer and my s.d on my computer. I said um excuse me your not allowed on the computer and after a day like we had, dont' expect to be on there for a long time. Well that was a mistake, wife turns around says she's doing her homework, and I just laughed, shook my head and walked out. next thing i know my wife is yelling at me cause i'm not allowing s.d. to do her homework, and i told her what kind of day we had and it didn't matter. I told her once again that she has NO idea wht i put up with on a daily basis, my son 16 years old pipes up, ummm ( wifes name ) she talks to dad with totally no respect when your not here, wife tells son to shut up that he treats s.d with no respect either, to which i replied, well when she learns to talk to people with respect, maybe she'd get some back. Suddenly wife yells she has had enough and her and the s.d are leaving ( moving out ) So i decided to sleep on the couch.

So now what??? Been thinking about it most of the night, personally i think it might be a relief to all concerend it it happened. Much as I love my wife, and I know she loves me, we can't continue like this. I know i will never accept anyone talking to me like my s.d does, and if my son was talking to my wife that way, well lets just say son would be very bored for the next two months. My wife says, well your the adult, my s.d says you can't do anything to me cause mom will just move out. HELPPPPPPPPPPPP. I'm so tired of being stressed, i think everyone is, is there any solutuiont o this, or am I just wasting my time in something that is never going to change.

Help, I need some serious advice about my 11 year old SD

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Vivian Kaufman

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Help, I need some serious advice about my 11 year old SD

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Vivian Kaufman

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