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I need some ideas.... about to end a 17 year marriage; should I?

16 years ago

I have been married for 17 years and with my husband for 18 years. When he met me, I had a son and three daughters from age 12-7-5-1 at the time. He helped me raise them. My husband is from the Carribbean. Eventually, I sent for his oldest son, then a daughter and a son, that we later found out, was not his own. My husband has pretty much broken ties with his daughter ( an ungrateful one) and that son, whom is not his (not because of the DNA, but because his behavior was so distant and self centered).

My middle daughter, whom is a pistol when she wants to, has almost always been my most rebellious child. She has been diagnosed with an " avoidance disorder" as a child and has had times where she has cursed at us when upset for whatever reason, or feeling that everyone is against her, etc. My husband has put up with her rudeness and behavior for years. He said that he would help me raise them....he did.

Well, all of our children are on their own, but now this same daughter often has problems with her 5 year old son. She has a 3 year old daughter too. Her lifestyle has been a bit erratic and I have legal custody of her son, but at this time I let him stay with her because he wants to be with her most of the time and the other reason is that my husband's cup has truly run over.....

Her last stunt, was the final challenge with my husband: my daughter was trying to keep a car that my husband offered to her to use to help our business by putting out fliers a few hours a day. She was just jacking around for the longest, hardly doing anything, so he told her that he wanted it. She started hiding out and he almost called the police on her after a week or so of not bringing it back. After she FINALLY turned it in, some weeks later, she got angry at me for tell her to stop being a leech to her boyfriend and others. She was trying to call me back to start yelling, but the calls were forwarded to my husband, whom was at his auto repair shop, knowing absolutely nothing... she started cursing him out and saying all kinds of horrible things to him.

He came home and I told him that she was going off on a tangent again, he had me listen to his numerous voice mails where she had kept calling and cursing at him for nothing. Before I knew it, he said he just can't take any more, and started moving his things out of our house ( she had her own place ) because he did not want her to be able to say that he was stopping her from seeing me, etc......

Eventually, he moved into a room for rent for about a month and later bought a nice little 2 bedroom house for a few thousand, and just paid it off in 5 months. He said that I could come over, but I must have my own house so that she can go there any time...... I found another cheap house that I may be able to pay off very soon and mostly stay with him. I left the other house as it was too big for just me and I don't want to be tied into it for 29 more years.

Well, this daughter is now moving to Florida to seek a recording deal with her two children and no solid place to live. I feel that I will have my grandson and maybe my granddaughter back under those conditions, for fear of molestation, abuse, and who knows what. My daughter plans to live in a shelter with them so that she can get housing help sooner, but South Florida is not as it was when we lived there before 2003.. its so expensive.

Any way, I asked my husband if I need to get my two grands, can they come to his house with us and I could see the countenance on his face change for the worse. He is so hurt, damaged, tormented and so on inside... He wants no involvement with her and feels that her kids will be a link to him and he wants no accusations, or any involvement with her ever again. He doesn't want to be in the middle and at the same time, feels so alone because I have my grown kids and the grands and he has no other relatives. All of my other kids love him and he is the only father they acknowledge or want in their lives.

I don't want to end my marriage and at the same time, if any thing bad should happen to my grands, when I know that I could have taken them and put them on a good path, I don't think I could live with myself. I am tormented myself with the two sides.

My husband and I talked again about it today. He feels that he may need to move on as we are in our 50's. He doesn't want to wait until I end up leaving him for my daughter for my grands. He is trying to wait to see if I say something like she will just have to deal with her children and try to just stay with him , but I love my little ones while loving him too. I think that I may have to let him go, so that he can find some real happiness. I will be crushed, but I just don't know what to do and if there is a good way to part and be friends and still share our businesses but move on with our lives...... Is this too complicated or what?

If you can help me with repairing things or getting ready for the big break peacefully without losing my mind, I will be so grateful. Any suggestions will help.

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