This sounds so familiar...

It *can* be dealt with, & the difference is like night & day...
but Dad isn't dealing with it here.

ADHD kids need boundaries, routine, structure, & a predictible environment much more than other kids.

Get up same time, do things in same order (potty, brush teeth, wash face, dress, breakfast, etc-heaven help the mom or dad who says breakfast is ready before the shoes are tied!), have something tangible like a chart to refer to when anxiety begins to rise, etc.

This poor little girl has no boundaries sometimes, some boundaries sometimes, doesn't know when dad will "follow through" & when he won't, doesn't know what to expect.

He's the absolute key here, the only chance she has for a calm environment, & if he doesn't face reality & support her, she'll get much worse, until school or law enforcement steps in.

She absolutely does need to see her doctor, the sooner the better, & may need her meds adjusted or changed, but all the meds in the world won't "fix her"; the environment must become stable & calming.

If he won't do this, for her more than for you but really for both of you, then I don't know that you have any sane choice but to get yourself & your daughter out of that chaotic environment;
You cannot make this little one's life any more bearable without her dad's commitment, & your own life & your daughter's life will become as chaotic as hers.

Some things have to be endured, but day-to-day life until you die is not one of them;
life *can* be enjoyable.

I wish you the best.

That sounds like a tough situation. I agree completely with the above poster.

It certainly doesn't sound like dad is doing enough to control the situation; in turn, by not taking control, he is only hurting his daughter, his relationship with you, and your daughter, as well. Have you two tried counseling? Dad needs to get on board with a consistent and firm approach to dealing with your SD's issues or, I agree, things will only get worse.

I'd approach your BF about counseling for the two of you, especially in regards to how to parent an ADHD child. I would also make sure he follows through with getting his daughter to the doctor, to a counselor, whatever. Professional help is definitely needed here.

If he's not willing to do these things, you probably do need to get out-for your own sanity and your own child's well-being.

You don't need serious advice re SD...you need to kick your DH's butt, until he steps up and parents his kid. Nothing is going to change, until Dh stops making excuses for her behavior, and starts giving her consequences!

My FSS is 9 (8 when I first met him) and has ADHD as well. Good days are great, but his bad days are nightmares.

A__ (FDH's son) used to do all of the things that you've mentioned (and more!) but things have been much better lately. I'll tell you what worked for us and hopefully it works for you.

I've found that grounding and ADHD kid works best if it's a short but horrible grounding. So instead of "No going to the park for two weeks", it's "No going out, no sports, no TV, no computer, etc for two days"... My theory is that after about two days, A__ forgets why he's in trouble and just views it as that we're being mean to him.

Remember that ADHD people can't self-reward the way a "normal" person does, so they require outside stimulus for a neurological boost... So when A__ would scream and throw a tantrum, we'd just tell him to go to his room to scream and then he was totally ignored until it stopped. Once that was over 90 minutes, usually it was 5 minutes or so. When he wouldn't go to his room, FDH picked him up and took him there forcibly. Tantrums are much less neurologically rewarding when no one will engage with you.

Same thing goes for the "I hate you! You're the worst dad in the world! I wish I was dead!" If someone engages with that, it just feeds that it feels good to yell that way. If you jsut quietly say "I'm sorry you feel that way, because I love you and am glad you're alive. When you've calmed down, we can talk about why you're upset" and then walk away. A__ quiets down and explains what's really wrong right away if no one yells back.

When A__ lies or steals, he writes out (with our help) "10 reasons to tell the truth" or "10 reasons why stealing is wrong" or something like that. He hates it, but it's been working quite well. Lectures aren't very effective with an ADHD kid because there's no "doing". Brainstorming and writing out reasons is "doing" and I think it clicks in better.

We're still working on the "you should pay me" and that sort of thing, but it's getting better. One of our family rules is "Chores like cooking and cleaning are for everyone" so when A__ has to pick up after himself and doesn't want to, we just point out all the work we did that day. For example: "I don't want to rinse off my breakfast dishes" "Well, I made your breakfast while you sat on the couch, so would it be fair if I had to clean it up too?"
He also feels like he's being picked on if he has to clean up his own mess while other people (who didn't have any part in the mess) do nothing... So I try to keep an easy chore or two that we can putter at when A__ has to tidy up. "A__, it's time to clean up your toys" "That's not fair. You should help me" "I can't. I have to clean the bathroom sink and mirror" and then he does it himself. Once I made up imaginary laundry to put away and I just sat on the bedroom floor with a pile of folded socks, then when he was done I said "Oh, what perfect timing! All I have left to put away is dad's socks. Didn't that work out well?!"

We've worked LONG and HARD on this stuff, and have tried many things that didn't work before finding what does. But, TBH, when I first got to know A__ well enough to see all this sort of behavior, I thought "I can't handle this" and almost broke up with his dad. But he IS a good kid with a big heart, he just has a lot of troubles, so it was worth it to stick it out :)

Anyhow, about getting Dad on board with this... I love my FDH, but he isn't a very creative parent. So, I come up with ideas for making progress with A__ and suggest them to FDH. I explain the reasoning behind the new plan and he gives his yeah or nay vote. That way, we have TALKED about it beforehand, we're both on the same page and if he drops the ball (doesn't follow through, etc) I can say "Hey, hunny, we talked about not engaging with A__ when he freaks out like that"
Don't get me wrong - he's a good dad, but he's not always consistent.

One idea I have to avoid you're BF saying "well your daughter does x,y,z" is to approach it as addressing the action, not addressing his daughter. So, rather than "Your daughter throws tantrums and is a rotten sh17" (I assume you wouldn't say that anyhow - lol) it is better approached as "I have an idea for dealing with tantrums. I was reading/watching/talking about tantrums and it was suggested that older kids throwing tantrums feed off the attention they get from it. I think that for the next few weeks, we should try not engaging with tantrums. So if one of the girls has a freakout, we should just quietly tell them go to their room and talk calmly about it after. I read/saw/heard that it can take about 10 times to be effective, so how would you feel about planning to deal with tantrums that way for a full month to see what happens. Thoughts? Comments?"

Good luck!!

Great suggestions from Sylvia and Ceph --
As a mother of two 'extra credit' boys (one ADHD, the other with autism spectrum issues), I'll share a few more ideas.

- One book that was really helpful was "How to Talk so Your Kids will Listen and How to Listen so Your Kids will Talk." It wasn't written for 'special' kids -- just regular kids, but the suggestions were fabulous and worked really well for me and mine.

- What was especially helpful (I think it was from this book...) was a way of enforcing rules. First thing is to very clearly articulate the rule. A kid can't be expected to follow a rule they don't know about -- even one that should be common sense (common sense isn't a strength for ADHD kids), so the first 'offense' is essentially free. So state the rule: "In our house, everyone puts their own dishes into the dishwasher." Then to enforce the rule, 'observe' rather than 'accuse'. "I see a dirty glass in the sink." Watch and wait. If no one comes forward, restate the rule and/or provide a clue. "Did someone have orange juice?" Or if you know who did it, you can simply observe "John, your orange juice glass is in the sink; it needs to go into the dishwasher." Pointedly Watch and wait. Then thank the child after he complies.

- Get the kid's attention, and do so quietly, before giving directions. If they're not paying attention, they may not really hear you. OR, they may figure they can ignore you because they know you don't KNOW that they heard you. So make sure they are paying attention before making a request. If they ignore you, calmly turn off the TV or video game (or whatever) and stand there patiently waiting until they comply. Then thank them.

- A step-up from Ceph's excellent suggestion about writing reasons is to photograph the kid behaving badly, print the photo at the top of the page, then have them write on that page. If you do this, ALSO be sure to photograph the kid behaving well, and YOU write underneath something along the lines of "Great Job! I love how John cleaned up his room. John's room looks really nice and that makes me feel happy and proud." It's truly amazing how effective this strategy is...

- The last one is one of my favorites - the "Will I change my mind?" When a kid is whining, nagging or begging, I simply acknowledge their request, their reasons if they provided them, answer it clearly, then ask what will happen if they keep asking. "John, you asked me for a cookie. I heard you and the answer is no. What will happen if you ask me again?" Of course, you do have to stick to your answers -- a parent who caves can't use this strategy -- though it's effective in transitioning from 'caver' to 'enforcer.'

- Use simple "do" statements instead of "don't" statements. "Walk!" is much more effective than "Don't run near the pool!" It's a simple neurological language processing issue, where one statement can be interpreted instantly and followed easily, and the other one needs to be 'turned around' mentally and deciphered first. Kids with ADHD often have language processing difficulties, so this might make a really big difference.

I agree that it is imperative the Dad be on the same page as you & follow through. HE needs to address this with you, SD and hopefully a counselor tha specializes in ADHD kids. My goodness this would be so overwhelming to me!

You can't do this on your own, he has to make the commitment to his daughter just like you..Otherwise how could it possibly work?

"Some things have to be endured, but day-to-day life until you die is not one of them;
life *can* be enjoyable."

I need to tattoo this onto my forehead!

One of my sd's also has adhd, though it has improved over the last few years and we do not have her on medication.

We never went to counseling for it, we dealt with it at home. ( We have negative opinions on counseling and have seen counselors just give kids excuses for their poor behavior instead of helping correct it)

Anyways with that said I do have some suggestions.

1. Set up a reward system for good behavior instead of focusing on the negatives. Praise the child when they do well.

2. Model the behavior you want them to do. You can not yell at people and then enforce "no yelling" with them. You can't leave your plate on the table and then tell them they have to clean up after themselves.

3. Be consistant and do not make empty threats. They will test you. If you say that your going to do X, then you need to do it.

4. Consequences need to be immediate and short. Have consequences set up in advance so you will have a way to deal with severe behaviors. You can not wait hours to enforce the consequences. And like Ceph said you can't ground the child for 2 weeks...they will not remember what they did.

5. Talk about what the behaviors were. If the child is constantly doing something wrong then discuss it. Tell the child what you want them to be doing and why it is important. Have them tell you what they did that was incorrect and how they will fix it.

It really sounds like your sd is crying out for attention and will take it even if it is negative. Make sure she is getting enough positive attention from her dad and you. At that age kids need their parents to play with them and talk to them and give them lots of attention.

Mom2's onto something here:
"It really sounds like your sd is crying out for attention and will take it even if it is negative. Make sure she is getting enough positive attention from her dad and you. At that age kids need their parents to play with them and talk to them and give them lots of attention."

When A__ gets enough positive attention, he is an ANGEL. When he isn't, that angel disappears and we have a MONSTER on our hands.

We have a plethora of ways to deal with this... I'll share the top three

1) Point out and PRAISE good behavior. Even for things that seem totally inane and feel like you've said it 10000 times already that day.
"You've been sitting properly on the chair for 15 minutes!! Good for you! Gimme a high five!"
"Hey, you made your bed this morning without being asked! That was very responsible of you."
"You're playing Pictionary/Wii/Cribbage/etc so nicely, I'm really having fun with you!"

2) During some non-heated conversation, discuss positive and negative attention (we call it good and bad attention) and some examples of each. Our conversation had examples like poking, whining, pestering and bragging for bad attention, and examples like using nice manners, being friendly, giving compliments and sharing your day as ways to get good attention. We explained that good attention is when you want someone to notice how nice and good you are being, but bad attention is when you want someone to notice what you are doing wrong and tell you to stop it.
We pointed out good or bad attentions seekers for awhile and now we can just ask "Is that looking for good or bad attention?" and he usually gets it right!

3) DON'T FEED the bad attention behaviors. As I said before, to an ADHD brain, any feedback is good feedback and will give a neurotransmitter reward to the brain, reinforcing the behavior that caused the feedback. So, we respond quietly to bad attention seeking, but with pizazz to good attention seeking.

It was slow going to get to this point, but it's really been night and day change.

One of our coaches at work said that in dealing with employees (who in my mind are relatively sane people), you should:

1. Make certain you have at least a 7:1 ratio of positive:negative comments.

2. When you have to make a negative that is not corrective (i.e, one that is not please fix this) put it as NEXT TIME, please do this, not dont ever do this again.

Your first responsibility is to your daughter, you must keep her safe. By safe I don't just mean physically safe, but emotionally safe as well. If she is raised around this kind of a person it can leave a lasting negative effect on her. You are seeing warning signs and you must heed them.

I don't say this often, but KK's totally right.

I do have to agree with KKNY's advice as well on this one. I am so proud of KKNY right now, I feel like she is growing up right before our eyes and being so positive instead of negative :)

I am a teacher and we are always told that during conferences we should start out on a positive note. Find something good to say about the child and begin with that. This way you have the parents at ease and then you can get into things the child needs to work on.

This goes the same way when dealing with the child and discussing their behaviors. It is always a better situation when you compliment them on something and then go into what they need to work on.

And how you word it makes a big difference. In college they told us to stay away from using negative works (NO, DONT, etc.) So instead of saying "do not hit" say something like "I really need you to keep your hands to yourself".

Another thing is kids need choices. Instead of saying "stop that tantrum right now" you can say something like "either stop your tantrum or you can go into the other room until your calm-your choice".

Mom, I think I am grown up. I think some of the SMs here may grow up when they are in a situation where Dad leaves them for a younger, prettier, richer woman. And lose some of the arogance.

Wow KK, way to turn a nice compliment from Mom2 and make it nasty. I was going to agree with her here, and have pointed out before, that you seemed to be following the 7:1 rule lately and it was so nice. But, like I've already posted . . . a leopard doesn't ever lose their spots.

More fodder for my pity party.

"I am so proud of KKNY right now, I feel like she is growing up right before our eyes"

That's a backhanded compliment if I ever saw one.

JNM, if you couldnt see the put down in it, your blind and deaf. I guess people here only see disrespect from stepchildren.

SD's grandparents took her for the week so we could figure out what we were going to do. They took her with her cousins as a "grandparents week". We have come up with what we think is a good plan. Her daily schedule is posted on her door with things to check off before & after school. We have put behavior issues under number catagories, 1~not using manners, picking up, etc...2~yelling at us or other daughter, not respecting privacy, etc....3~stealing, lying, hitting, etc....(this is for us to use so we are on the same page) 1=a timeout 2=a physical chore we found on a web site for adhd kids, clean windows, a cabinet, etc..
3= grounded, from everything tv, games, barbies.
At the end of the week if all has gone well she will be able to pick a prize from the basket we have set up. We are also applying the chores to be done & prize basket with my daughter. We have decided that when SD is being talked to the other parent will take my daughter & do something with her. We feel she is being punished for behaving & is can't continue. Thanks for all your feed back & let me know what you think of our plan. PS. We give a ton of positive reinforcement to SD but the minute we do she does something negative.

"JNM, if you couldnt see the put down in it, your blind and deaf. I guess people here only see disrespect from stepchildren."

People see what they WANT to see. People interpret things the way they WANT to interpret things. Personally, I've noticed a positive change in KKNY from when I first came here. But, if someone is dead set in keeping a battle going, they refuse to hear the other calling a cease fire.

JNM is right. People are who they are and unless they WANT to change, they won't. Even if they want to change, sometimes they CAN'T.

mommybear,

I think your plan is a good one. It's important that your daughter doesn't feel like she's being punished for things someone else is doing. I'm interested in the statement: "We give a ton of positive reinforcement to SD but the minute we do she does something negative." because that describes my oldest son. He's 21 and as long as nobody tells him how great he's doing in something, he'll continue doing great. As soon as someone tells him 'good job', he starts screwing up. It's frustrating and the only answer we've been able to come up with is to not say anything at all. It's not a very good solution, so has anyone else has found something that works? (and it really is a disservice to him because he has lost a few jobs because his managers don't know that as soon as they praise his work, they run the risk of him messing up and it has affected him a few times in the workplace)

Ima and JNM, I have been who I have always been. Its not calling a cease fire when you say someone is growing up. It is a put down. You can just agree with the comment and move along. Perhaps this is why some people say they dont get respect from stepchildren -- when they demand to be the arbitrar.

I loved my husband dearly, but I can still see that he was a critical old grouch. He tried so hard to change when he realized what he was doing, but he just couldn't. I don't think people can change who/what they are. He did finally change when Alzheimer's got a good hold on him. The following four years were the best years of our marriage and that is what I try to remember, the good.

"Its not calling a cease fire when you say someone is growing up"

If you've been making non-constructive comments that are more likely to illicit a negative reaction, and more recently, it's acknowledged that your comments are getting more constructive and helpful, then that is a positive thing. I'd take it as a compliment.

If prior comments were seen as 'immature' and current ones as 'mature', then yes, it is a compliment to acknowledge that. You may not like her choice of words, but that is how it was interpreted. (by me anyways) The comment you made that follows is reverting back to an immature comment. Of course, you are so familiar with giving backhanded insults that perhaps you think everyone is like that. (and that's not an 'insult' although you will probably take it that way. It's an observation because I've called you on it a few times in the past)

I think your bias is evident. No one says you have grown up to an adult. But go on, in lalala SM land.

I've been a bio mom for 21.5 years. I've been a SM for just under 2 years. Do you really think that my opinions and beliefs were formed in the last two years? I guarantee you that three years ago, if I read many of the things you wrote here, I'd probably tell you to grow the hell up. My perception of an immature person has nothing to do with whether I am a step mom or not.

How can one be biased if they are both a step and a bio mom? I have two bios and one step, so I think if I were biased I'd lean to the bio side. That is, if I thought there needed to be sides.

The phrasing may have been off but the intent was clear to those of us that don't go looking for the negative in every post; every post that a SM writes that is. Those of us that don't revert back to "I know you are but what am I" when they feel threatened or cornered. It must be nice to have those two die hard fall backs - 2nd marriages end in divorce and SM's think they are always right.

D@mn Leopards.

The phrasing wasn't complimentary, so the compliment sounded backhanded to me too. Sorry --

That said, KK, I too have noticed a general increase in the kindness of your posts. Don't let the 'backhandedness' of the wording completely void the good part of the message.