Do you mean she has created a fake screen identity and is sending emails to other people "posing" as your husband's "mistress"? Or do you mean she is writing to these people and literally saying "my Dad is cheating on SM"? Please give some more specific phrases & details. "Acting like my husband has been having an affair" could mean that she is saying literally that or that the verbal and emotional content of her emails gives the impression that she wishes her dad would leave you.... or any number of things in between. Please explain a bit more...

How long have you been married, how old is the daughter and how many children do you have between you & DH? Sorry, I just need my memory refreshed.

I am in a very negative frame of mind regarding DH and his kids right now and don't know If I am able to give you unbiased advice.I wouldn't wish on anyone the unhappiness, disrepsect and drama I have had the past 7-8 years. I wouldn't suggest putting up with that nonsense at all as it NEVER ENDS.

Today my advice would be for you to give your DH a big boot up the butt-hard. I know, not a very *positive or constructive* response, sorry.

~Cat

It would be impossible for this not to affect how I felt about my husband. He should not be standing by an adult child that has been proven to be a liar and a trouble maker in the past with you and his marriage being the target. I simply wouldn't feel the same towards him. I wouldn't tell you to leave....I wouldn't tell you to stay...but I could understand why you would feel like leaving. I would be terribly hurt by this.

She created a fake email address and posed as the other women. She also got into her fathers email and sent emails out posing as him telling people that he is leaving me and has found someone else. To make things worse she got into my email and got all the contact information for family members and sent them emails from the fake mistress telling them that her father and I are divorcing.

Is any of what she did a criminal offense? Sounds like it could be.

Okay, wow, that's pretty freaking low. If that is 100% provable, you need to confront her directly with the hard evidence. If the evidence is "circumstantial" or you cannot be 100% sure that it's her, I would refrain from confronting her because just in case it's not true it risks creating an irreparable rift based on an inaccurate accusation. (You could still, however, voice your suspicions as simply that: suspicions. That way everyone will be clued in to keep an eye on her and she, especially, will know you are onto her if in fact she has been up to this.)

It's a tough situation because you know the two questions at least some people are likely to ask:

1. How do you know this isn't DH's elaborate-and-ingenious-yet-pathetic cover story for his own infidelity? [I would personally ask this question in particular because I wonder what this incident says about SD's motive towards *YOU* if it is her *FATHER* she is "framing" as the guilty party? One would think that if you were the actual target, she would have posed as your male lover and thus make YOU the unfaithful one. Furthermore, if her goal is to turn the family agianst you, it would seem more likely that they would end up feeling sorry for you as an innocent victim. So I don't totally get what the motive or goal even is.]
2. How does your husband or anyone else know that YOU are not in fact "framing" SD as "framing" him (and thus potentially embarassing you)?

[Jeez... I really should have been a lawyer, shouldn't I?]

But that's how gossip drama can go. People's imaginations can run amok. So it's best to be prepared for it and cover your ass. It always pays to think long and hard before you a) point a finger and b) even remotely think about forcing a confrontation (and highly likely, a rift) between a parent and child. Because even if this thing is a nasty set-up (which it may very well be) and no wrongdoing of yours, how you handle it could potentially suck you into just as bad a cloud of treachery and suspicion.

Finally, I hate to put it in these terms or suggest you start becoming the next Machiavelli or Sun-Tzu, but at least the way things stand now, you have a plum "victim card" you can play here with the friends and relatives if you choose to call her bluff and behave as though you don't know it's a ruse and that this whole "affair" has literally destroyed your life. If you feel like fighting dirty, you can choose to play this up and milk it for all the sympathy it's worth. But if you choose to take the high road (which I suggest, though I'd be tempted by the former path), I would simply confront her if my evidence is solid or be a bit sly temporarily, to try and catch her in the act more directly, and then confront her when the evidence IS solid. So, in a nutshell: dirty warfare = all behind her back and without her ever knowing you're onto her; mature adult conflcit resolution = at some point directly calling her on it when you have 100% proof.

Since I'm not actually the lawyer I perhaps should have been in another life, I don't know for sure... but yes, I would think that with enough hard evidence, such a thing would be considered "injurious libel" and fraud resulting in emotional, professional and potentially financial (as in a resulting divorce) damages.

I'm with Serenity, gather your evidence for now..

~Cat

So I could sue Dads SO for telling DD that I had an affair?

What evidence did you find that it was the adult sd doing this?

If the evidence points to her and dh choses to ignore this behavior I would be pretty pissed off! I also do not know if I would be able to forgive sd and be around her like nothing happened.

KKNY-

Technically yes, it's called slander. But you would be required to prove quantifiable damages.

How on earth did she hack into BOTH her father's email address and yours? A 8 character email with some letters and some numbers and at least one but not all uppercase letters is enough to keep the vast majority of people out - unless you use something obvious like your last name.

serenity has a good point - why would he want her father to look like the bad guy and you like the innocent victim?

How do you know it isn't a real mistress, or a real mistress whom he has recently dumped, sending out these emails? A mistress or former mistress would certainly have motive and perhaps opportunity.

"So I could sue Dads SO for telling DD that I had an affair?"

Sarah is a little right. It is slander. However, what are your damages? Did your daughter believe it? If she didn't believe it, how were you 'damaged'? Annoyed or pissed, yes. Damaged? Not unless you suffered humiliation because she believed it.

I don't think OP wants to prosecute unless she is going to also leave and divorce her husband. I think her husband is turning a blind eye to salvage a relationship with his daughter but there is no excuse if she did that. Sending it to relatives would cause OP damage if they believed it and it caused humiliation or harmed her relationships with the people that read it. Personally, I think if she did that, she has mental problems or is very immature to think a ploy like that would work. She'll continue to do things like this because there is no reprimand from dad. He doesn't need to disown her but he should let her know it's not acceptable and he won't put up with that sort of behavior. He should have stood up for you but instead, he let her get away with it (to salvage his own relationship with her?) which is also disrespectful toward you.

I suggest some marital counseling and individual counseling for dad so he can see his actions are actually destructive to his daughter. He's not doing her any favors if he hasn't taught her how to be a mature, responsible adult and mature, responsible adults don't behave that way. If he won't go, I'd go alone and look for ways to leave the situation.

"How on earth did she hack into BOTH her father's email address and yours?"

In OP's case, super easy to do if adult SD has ever had access to DH & SM's computer. Keystroke Logger.

I too would like to know how you know for sure it was her. Not that I dont believe you but I just dont understand your DH ignoring this kind of thing especially if there is evidance of her doing it. I would be hard pressed to forgice either sd or DH. I cant even imagine that kind of betrayal or hurt coming from those that are closest to me ie my own family.

On a side note it is really not that difficult to hack into email... key stroke logging is one way and even if you can figure out the email address simply knowing the person can give you access since most security questions if you 'forget' your email address are usually things like what was your first school your mothers maiden name... things people close to you would know.

She would know her SM's mother's maiden name or the first school she went to? My own children do know my mother's maiden name, but I don't think they know the name of the first school I went to or the manufacturer of my first car. Usually the password is sent to your alternate email address anyway, so that wouldn't do the hacker any good. If you don't have an alternate email address, you are usually up a creek if you forget your password.

Of course if she has access to the computer, and the SM and father left themselves logged into their emails, as people often do even on public computers, there would be no hacking needed.

I just don't understand why she would target her father if it is the SM she doesn't like.

I know -- it seems much more logical to me she would try to make it seem that SM was having an affair.

My skids know my maiden name and my first school and I have talked to the boys on several occasions what my first car is.. and for a lot of email if you dont have an alternate email it gives you access through a temp password. Like I said it is not overly difficult to hack email... nothing is private or secure via the internet.

I dont understand placing dad as the person having the affair either..unless maybe he had a past history of doing so (previous wife, prev relationship) or maybe it was just easier for her as a female to pretend to be a mistress ... or perhaps her goal was to make sm upset and leave dad.. dad would after all know he was innocent.

But, then again a grown adult sending out phony emails pretending to be someone else and trying to ruin their parent's marriage doesnt exactly smack of a mature logical sound thinking mind.

I wasnt planning on suing. I was just making a point to the people who think SMs are entitled to sue in this situation.

I dont think proving the email thing would be that easy. Unless the SD really did send the emails, and from her home, not a public computer or Dads house. And I suspect the entire explanation from DH.

I think SD should not be allowed on computers in your home at all. Granted the damage is done, she has email addys and such however as a rule I would insist she not be allowed on any computers in your home.

Does SD live with you & DH, and how old is she? Sorry I may have missed that.

No one uses my laptop but me, not even DH and nothing like this has ever happened to me, but it's just private, like my purse. DH & Skids wouldn't dream of going in there. Why I'm not sure, probably afraid something would jump out and bite them.

Get a laptop keep it locked up when not in use, if you can't do that, disabling a house computer is really easy (unplug & take cords or keyboard, password protect it so you need the pw to get in) and you can do that when she is there.

I would send out a email to all your family/friends that received this email or even everyone you fear may and warn them your address book has been hacked and someone is sending slanderous emails about you & DH. Now I wouldn't say "who", though because you really have no proof yet.

KK if you had proof of that and could get damages I WOULD sue her, even if it was just for shopping money. No one should do that to a kid.

~Cat

Cat,

When I confronted X, who was there, he didnt deny it. After knowing him for 30 years, I know what that means.

If you have wireless in your home, or a wired network, all computers will have the same Ip address. And a public iP address proves nothing. More sophisticated people can hijack other ip addresses.

Cat, please don't fool yourself into thinking a password protected home computer is a way to keep people out. Just google "hacking into password protected computer" to see how easy that would be to bypass.

Anyone who is computer saavy can always get around any passwords or protection.

There are also malicious email tracing services (you can also do this yourself) to find out exactly WHO was sending out the emails.

Anything you do on the computer/internet is traceable and once it's out there it's out there.

DH smells a bit fishy to me as well and even if he has not cheated (he very well may not have) I can find no excuse for him to stand up for a DD that lies and is out to hurt his wife (and him). That is the big issue for me. You can't do anything about the daughter if she is the one that did this. It is stated in original post that this is not the first time that DD has tried to end DF's marriage, so his DD has a proven track record of causing trouble.

In my asking the original question of whether or not his DD's actions were criminal I was simply asking out of curiosity. Not suggesting that anyone sue. Like I said...My problem is more with hubby. I'd have trouble loving a man that stood up for someone that tried, over and over again it seems, to hurt me. I could certainly live without that drama in my life.

Shamrock,

You can at best trace a message to the computer where it was sent. So at best you might end up with a computer in a library or public place or the parents house.

I would consult an attorney. next time SD will send emails to your boss.

Just because the husband thinks his wife is mistaken about the source of the emails doesn't make him unsupportive. Maybe he thinks they were sent by Cousin Sue, who never much liked his wife for some reason. This is assuming that he does not in fact KNOW his wife is mistaken about the source of the emails because he knows exactly who sent them.

I find the wording of the accusation interesting:

"We only recently found evidence that she was the person behind the emails."

Evidence, but not proof. Circumstantial evidence? "Person behind the emails," - does that mean she personally sent them? Or it was her idea and someone else did?

I am inclined to agree with Cat's suggestion that OP send out some kind of "damage control" email to those that received the emails, at least in terms of a way to both apologize for and perhaps even hint at (without naming) possible sources of the messages. Maybe even don't say much besides "You might have recently received a rather alarming and salacious email. We think our email might have been hacked into but we're not sure and so we're looking into this possibility now. Meanwhile, apologies for the Sleaze Factor you may have recently had to endure." If it's worded properly, respectfully, vaguely and humbly, it at least would serve to distance OP from the immature theatrics without pointing fingers or even making staunch denials which could later prove to be humiliatingly false. The danger in not phrasing this well, though, is that people might think she is sadly in denial, or on her own drama kick. Since these people have already received the email form "the mistress", it may or may not be overkill (and increasingly awkward) to resurrect it in this way. A lot depends on how truly close some of these people are.

With the boss, that's potentially even trickier. It might be smart to warn him/her in advance so that s/he wouldn't be blindsided by the sleaze... But then again if it DOESN'T end up getting sent to the boss, then the boss might think it's paranoid schoolgirl drama. In that case I'd weigh how likely the boss is to get the email, and for what purpose and with what risk. I know that workplaces can sometimes be absolutely brutal on women when there is the whiff of an affair, no matter whether it is her or the man committing it. But it's a lot less likely to damage her career if she is not "The Cheater". All I know is if I was the boss, I'd be skeptical of the "mistress" and wonder what the mistress's motive was in sending soemthing like that to me, a stranger. And I'd be totally unlikely to blame OP. But that's just me. Other bosses don't want to deal with any whiff of "drama" whatsoever and would sooner get rid of a person than even have to be bothered to think about how to respond to something like that. Depends on the workplace and the nature of the relationship with the boss.

Wondering here -- So Daddy defends his daughter. But then what is his theory behind the emails? What is his explanation for them?

Have to say it makes more sense to me that SD would slander SM's behavior rather than Daddy's -- but then some people seem to have a different morality on that score, believing that it's more humiliating to be dumped than it is to be a cheater...

So what's Dad's theory?

Sweeby makes a good point about the humiliation factor about being the one cheated on... SD would have to want so badly for SM to be publicly humiliated, though, that she'd risk not only shaming her father even more than SM but also that the friends and family in question would be inclined to sympathize with and embrace SM even more...

And the goal of having SM leave Dad is also a plausible theory... Still, it seems strange that the emails would be sent to friends and family, making Dad the guilty party. If the goal is to have SM leave Dad, why wouldn't the emails be sent directly to SM from "The Mistress"?

Another possibility is that SD knew that suspicions that it was her would be deflected and confused by the illogic of having Dad be the "cheater"... and so she PURPOSELY made it illogical to throw off the scent. But then this would be pretty sophisticated logic. I don't know how old the SD is, but if she's younger than 25 I'd suspect it's a little TOO sophisticated. Moreover if she's that sophisticated (both with strategy and with computer hacking), she'd probably know that her actions could be traced via the software that tracks emails to IP addresses.

Someone who would send these types of emails knowing all the risks involved probably WOULDN'T be sophisticated enough to develop such an elaborate and convoluted ruse. Conversely, someone sophisticated and self-protective enough to concoct an ingeniously "illogical" enough scenario to throw the scent off herself wouldn't take the risk of being traced. Not saying it's impossible that she could be sophistcated in some areas and foolish in others... just that it's more likely that she's been one or the other with this email thing: foolishly impulsive OR extremely calculating and covering her tracks in every way possible.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. My SD did in fact sen d out the emails hoping that it would make me leave him. She sent them to my family and friends hoping they would encourage me to leave. She is a very messed up 20 year old. My husband and I have never had children together but I do have two young boys that he fathers in every way. They are very close and she is very jealous of this. We have known this for a long time. SD has agreed to see a therapist with her father. I have washed my hands of her for now and am not sure if I will change my mind. We did find where she went into our email accounts and cell phone contacts to get contact information. She chose to use a Yahoo address that was traceable to her computer. She did a good job at causing alot of grief but not covering her tracks. I assume she did not think it would go as far as us having an IP person look at the emails and trace the IP address.

Well, there you have it, that seems like pretty solid proof. I am very sorry to hear it. Did she fess up? I assume you and/or your husband confronted her about it and that is why she agreed to counseling. I hope the counseling helps her get to the core of why she felt the need to do such a hostile and potentially very seriously destructive thing. I can understand your wish to disengage in this case, as what she did is extreme. I do hope, though, that she and her father can re-forge a trusting relationship in the future. Hopefully with time, age and enough counseling she will realize that even with whatever underlying upsets she had her method of choice for dealing with it was unacceptable and that she will one day come to you both with a profoundly heartfelt apology. I hope, too, that you will accept it if/when it ever comes. All of this will probably take quite some time, though.

Wonder if her email nasties targeted Dad because she's mad at him for being a better father to your two little ones than he was to her? Maybe she wants to humiliate both you (as the duped spouse) and Dad (as the cheater and future 'dumpee').

Well, in any case, counseling sounds like the best first step...

Maybe she didn't want to cover her tracks - maybe, as sweeby indicated, she just wants her father to be the father to her that she needs him to be.

If her father has known for a long time that she is jealous of his close relationship with your children, why has he not made a concerted effort to be a better father to his own daughter?