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Need advice~how much to tell SD!

13 years ago

My DH has full custody of 10yr SD.Her BM has been in jail since end of July & was just released.She wants to see SD next weekend. Here's the question:SD is asking why her mom hasn't called or come to get her~I think we should tell her the truth & DH doesn't know what to tell her. Do we tell her or just let her think her mom was ignoring her?

Thank you!

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Comments (9)

silversword
13 years ago
What have you told her so far? Mom hasn't come to see you since July BECAUSE............ Or have you been ignoring her?
sylviatexas1
13 years ago
If possible, I'd say Dad & Mom need to agree on what to tell their daughter.

If that just isn't possible, the truth is better than a lie almost every time;
just talk it over in advance to figure out how to tell her in such a way that it doesn't create more issues in her mind & in her heart.
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I think it is possible the SD does indeed keep caught in the middle of Mom and SM. I also don't think she 'lied' or told a half truth. At the time the discussion first took place, SD had not yet made plans for the summer break with Mom...after reading some of your previous threads, I can't help but notice there has been long standing feud over exact days/visits. The SD was wrong in that she committed and did not follow through on what she agreed to. The mother is wrong for pressuring her daughter to take 'a summer job committment' seriously and making a big ta-do over a day or day (something that this mother though has been known to repeatedly do). And you are wrong with withholding your relationship with the SD in a temper tossing hurt feeling mode. The girl really is stuck between the two 'moms'. One screaming 'be an adult' one minute while treating her as the 'child' the next. The other one still playing the same old games of rearranging schedules no matter who it affects in an all out path of having her daughter 'at home' as many days as possible (while still treating daughter as a yung child/early teen). In an attempt to keep somewhat harmony between the SD's 'moms' daughter ends up being indecisive, nonresponsibile and still kept very much the child while being told to act the adult. If I were the girl, I'd be tempted to remain where I attend school. Maybe visit for a a short spell with each side and work my summer at a job that would enable me to have something more than 'babysitting' for references. Because you are disappointed and your feelings are hurt you intend to punish the SD. You'll just after 15 yrs of being mommy #2 you'll just suddenly begin being 'her fathers wife'. And you'll label a 'test' to see if the relationship can withstand the 'test'. The first time SD expresed her newly found 'adult views' aka opinions (example, daughter's eating habits) you took a personal offense to it and again you're feelings are hurt and deny the SD who you say you want to start acting/thinking like an adult for her effort in doing so. The SD can't win here. Send LS to the daycare as now planned. Quite frankly you can read all the books you please on 'disengaging' and 'teaching assertiveness', but but until you start practicing actually raising the SD with the open mind that she is becoming an adult (even when her new found adult views annoy you), and continue to treat her as the child (both 'moms') it's just setting up more hurt feelings and keeping the girl a girl stuck in the middle. She's young, socializing with a whole new group of people, seeing different lifestyles and discovering who she is and what she believes. My niece as decided her new found 'thing' in life is to be a veggie,...she'd have a stroke to think you're LS eats skittles and poisons her body blah blah blah. LOL. Once 'kids' start expanding their social network, experiencing new groups and ideas, well they can be quite crazy in their new 'worldly views'. My 2 cents. Good luck to you. Sd has reached the age between childhood and adulthood and she's likely to say many more things that appear to be 'anti-you' (or mom or dad or the neighbor) while she opens those wings and begins to shape her own ideas.
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sassymom12
Original Author
13 years ago
No we have not been ignoring her.Before BM went to jail,DH told her she needed to have her own place in order to take SD overnights.BM was sleeping on her sisters floor & taking SD to horrible hotels to spend the night & then driving or parking all day in the car until drop off.
DH did tell SD that until her mom had a healthy place where SD could sleep in a bed she wouldn't be having overnight but would have day visits.SD was relieved & said "good,because I'm scared at those hotels."
BM quit calling or having contact & DH & SD would call & leave msgs but BM didn't return them.BM & DH will not agree on what to tell SD-BM will lie & say she was too busy at work, didn't have a cell phone,etc...when DH trys to talk to her she hangs up & that's the end of it. BM is not involved in anything in SD's life.The only reason she's calling now is because her mother moved back to our state & gma wants to see her.It's very sad & heartbreaking for SD.
seekergal
13 years ago
Possibly it would be best if she is encouraged to ask her Biological Mother where she has been? Let the mother explain her lack of contact.

If then the BM doesn't do this, tell the SD (the father tell her). It is better for it to come from the father because technically it is his biological daughter. This is wise advice I have been given and it has worked. We can care deeply for our stepchildren, but they really need to deal with certain things with their biological parent.
deborah_ps
13 years ago
Whether you believe the bio mother LOVES your SD or not, the message should ALWAYS be that you know she does. And that's all you know.
Because the BM is messing up her life at this moment does not mean she doesn't love her child. And at the end of the day, your SD only wants to believe that her BM loves her.
I bet your SD cares how you and your DH view her mother...because believe me, she believes her mother is a reflection of herself.
We all want people to think the best of the people WE care about don't we?
silversword
13 years ago
I would let mom tell her. Just tell her gently "you're going to have to ask your mama that honey".

And I agree with Deborah.
justnotmartha
13 years ago
My SD's psychologist actually told us the exact opposite. DON'T tell her "we know your mom loves you" as the answer to any/all of mom's wrong doings or issues. Mom hasn't called for a month, ignores calls and ignores texts. . . but she loves you? Is that the message we want to give our kids about what love is?
We were told to say we can't speak for her mom and unfortunately only mom can say why she does something. We don't bad mouth or pass judgment - just tell her we aren't her mom and can't answer for her.

We do all want to believe the best about the people we love. . . but at the same time we don't want our kids to find that behavior acceptable because mom does it and mom loves me.
mattie_gt
13 years ago
justnotmartha, my SS's counselor said the same thing. The counselor's response to SS is "That's a strange way to show someone that you love them". DH's and mine is, like yours, usually more along the lines of we don't know why BM does the things that she does.

I think if there's any serious question as to whether or not a child just wants reassurance (i.e., Mom has to miss a visitation because she's on a business trip) or if they are really starting to question a parent's behavior (Mom has to miss visitation because she's out getting high with her latest boyfriend), it's better to not try to push them in one direction or the other. Unfortunately not all parents do love their children, and some who do do not treat them at all appropriately.

Any time as a kid I said anything about my father's behavior, my mother's response was that she knew that he loved me. I really wish she hadn't done that, although I know she meant well. Because that's what I learned from it - that it doesn't matter what men do so long as they tell you that they love you. Not something that you want a young lady to think, as you can imagine.
seekergal
13 years ago
This is a situation where it can help if the father explains to the daughter that he knows the her mother loves her, but he doesn't know why the BM doesn't contact her. Encourage the daughter to ask her BM why she doesn't contact her - possibly via phone message, letter, etc???

If the BM doesn't answer this question, the father can still help his daughter see that even though the BM loves her, a persons "actions" don't always seem to line up with what they say or feel. Loving someone and showing it are two separate things. One's an emotion and the other is an action. It helps if both the emotion and the action are in sink with one another, but they always aren't. It will take time (and continued good communication between the daughter and her father) for the daughter to hopefully understand this. As she ages, this should help her have the ability to understand also.

Good luck and hope all turns out well.

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