Aww, Ima.... That sucks.
But you're a tough cookie and you love your SD, so you're doing great!

I hardly know what to say ima. I admire your strength in trying to make up for an errant bio mom, but you really are caught between a rock and a hard place.

Just keep doing the right thing and know that at least some of us know what you are up against.

maybe have a birthday brunch on her actual birthday?
maybe a manicure, haircut & style to get ready for the party?

I learned a trick from a co-worker:

she said that sometimes children really are hurt, but sometimes they don't know to be hurt unless you give them the cue.

& I saw it in action one day:
When her son fell down & scraped his knee, he *almost* started crying, then he firmed up his little chin & glanced anxiously at her.

& she said, "Oops! Let's go on inside before the ice cream melts!"

& they hurried inside & ate ice cream.

It's ok if she's throwing her toys & yelling, she's entitled, but that's her* anger;
don't reinforce it.

Somehow or other, in some way that adults don't perceive, she's tuned in to your reactions & her dad's reactions, & she *is* getting cues.

Go "Oops! change of plans! What a treat: Let's go get manicures!"

This one is so tough. There really isn't any way that you can soften the blow SD will feel when she learns mom isn;t coming. I think it's time for mom to have to break this news. Maybe DH could email mom back and say "It's a shame you won't be picking up SD as I know she has planned on it. I expect you will be calling to let her know soon so that she doesn't spend any more time believing she will celebrate her birthday with you." If she tries to get out of it REFUSE to be the ones to do her dirty work. She needs to experience a bit of what you go through each time she lets her daughter down.

I so understand the acting out when mad at mom and her actions, and I am (happy?) to say that in the next couple years she will be able to direct it more where it belongs rather than everyone but.

With regard to her party, does mom know where your dad lives and when it is? I wish DH wouldn't have told her the location, but I guess SD could have. Best you can do is minimize your interaction with her as much as possible if she does show. Fingers crossed it won't.

I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. My bonus kiddos daddy told their mother we would be doing seperate parties this year because she showed her (ahem) at their last B-day party. She did the whole "I DONT WANT HER THERE!" thing but had the nerve to ask if I could buy the cake. We wound up going but it was very icky the entire time. The tension was so horrible. I'm sure the girls sinced it as well. Luckily, with the little mamma's only being four I don't think they'll care if we do the seperate parties. They'll just think it's awesome they get two days to open presents:) Also my family has grown very attached to the girls and I am sure BioMom would Deff. not want them at any parties she throws. This way daddy and I can actually invite OUR friends and family and not just BioMom's.

Thanks for the support. I was planning to take her to get her nails done since she is the birthday princess. Sadly, she's getting used to the disappointment and now, instead of crying her eyes out like she was, she's getting angry (but still holding it in) I did the blow softening for this last weekend when BM called on Thursday to cancel. She claims to be sick but I've decided I don't care if she is or isn't, SD gets upset just the same.(I know that BM's BF didn't have his kids this weekend so being sick is a convenient way to be kid free on the weekend, so they can go out and party) Maybe SD knows her mom is lying??? She knows her better than I do. Anyways, I told SD, 'how would you like to go shopping with me on Saturday?' and she said 'won't I be at my mom's?'. I said, 'oh, she called and told daddy she's sick & doesn't want to get you sick.' so SD just said, 'will you make me chorizo for breakfast on Saturday?' and I said yes. She didn't seem to be bothered by it at all, that is until I heard her yelling at her toys on Sunday.

BM will have her this weekend for Easter. She's already trying to change things. She wants DH to take SD to her on Friday to save her gas. He told her he has to work. She won't ask me, which is good, because I'm not going to take my time & expense. She's already gotten him to agree to a different pick up time, which means that I have to wait for her to get there, which ends up being later because she can. She does it to annoy me so this time, I'm not making any plans for Friday.

As far as having her break it to her daughter, the way she operates is to tell SD that daddy or SM won't let her go. SD then comes to us and wants to know why. She did this for our wedding when DH told BM that we didn't invite her & I didn't want her there. It caused SD to be mad at me for being mean to her mom. The thing that I don't get, and maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but BM sent the email to DH yesterday at 6:30 pm. She could have called SD to talk but didn't.

Then, tonight we were at Wal Mart. DH & SD were off looking at the toy department. BM called DH's phone and starts asking him if they should get SD a bike for her birthday. He tells her it's up to her if SD doesn't have one there. BM doesn't ask to talk to SD and hangs up. (I don't think SD was near him or he would have given her the phone, but BM didn't even ask) I just think there's something wrong with her. She is trying to engage DH in conversation about their daughter but she isn't interested in talking to her daughter. I think the last time she called and talked to her was the day she went to the doctor after taking the strange pill she claims was Motrin. That was two weeks ago. (15 days to be exact)

SD had already told her about the party, which is why I think she was calling DH to fish for an invitation. He hadn't mentioned anything to her but I overheard SD invite BM. I think she was expecting DH to tell her about the party and invite her. I know it's not over. It's two weeks away and she will probably try and stir up trouble in the meantime. The more she does these things, the more I'm convinced she doesn't care about her daughter as much as she cares about staying engaged with DH somehow.

You're right;
there's something wrong here.

Wanting to be in the divine presence of your ex-husband is one thing, but jerking your daughter's chain to do so is inexcusable.

Nobody should be promised something she wants only to have it yanked away, & doing it over & over again is...
cruel?
perverse?

deliberate, anyway.

Adults get their feelings hurt when someone does this kind of thing, but adults are capable of walking away.

This is this kid's *mother*;
not so easy.

Maybe make it less easy for her to upset everybody's applecart:

(can't make it when you're supposed to? sorry to hear it, nope, can't change from Thursday at 4PM to Friday at 8AM, already have obligations, give me a call when it's your turn again.)

Yep..."And out comes the Weapons." is what we always said. It is so wrong to jerk your kids around because you have hang ups. It would be so much easier if ALL adults were truly concerned with the childrens best interest but since bitterness is a given in most divorces it seems almost impossible. My girls BioMom is still hung up and she used the girls in her "games" untill J finally got custody. We have been very careful not to make the same mistakes she did now that we have them. We would never refuse her visitation or make her feel like a "bad parent" if she didn't comply to our wishes. Maybe thats easier for J because he is honest to god, 100%, with out a single doubt over her. I suppose it would be hard if you were still feeling scorned and bitter.

Wow, I thought BM would at least wait until this weekend when she has SD with her (to ask about her birthday). Nope, she inexplicably decided to call her today!!! Wow, 16 days without calling her daughter and since she got nowhere with her email or call to DH, now she's calling SD to ask what she wants for her birthday. (I'm just guessing here, but I think she'd rather have a mom that calls her and doesn't cancel her visits, but I'm pretty sure SD won't tell her that.) Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that she called to talk to her finally, but the timing of it has me thinking it's all about her manipulating her daughter, instead of sincerity.

"If she tries to get out of it REFUSE to be the ones to do her dirty work. She needs to experience a bit of what you go through each time she lets her daughter down."

I WISH it were this easy! When we picked up SD last night, bm walked her to the car. Then BM told her 'see you in two weeks'. Minutes later, as we were driving away, SD says 'is my mom & sister invited?' I told her that her mom already told daddy she can't come on her birthday and she would do something this weekend or in two weeks. Then, I guess she asked DH the same thing when he was tucking her into bed.

This morning, she was sitting on her bed, looking sad. I asked what's wrong? She said she misses her mom. She then tells me her mom told her that maybe she will make it for her birthday (actual birthday or party?). I think part of the problem is that her mom can't or doesn't want to say no to her so she avoids her (which is probably why she calls DH when SD isn't around to cancel a weekend) Then she blames us that she missed a weekend or didn't call or now the birthday. She won't do her own dirty work and there really isn't any way for anyone to force her.

Best you can be is non-commital. Reply to the is she invited question with "I'm really not sure what your mom's plans for the day are."
Don't soften the blow with a 'maybe in a few weeks' promise because if that doesn't happen who is the bad guy - mom or you? Just be honest - "I'm not sure what your mom's plans are, honey. I hope you get to spend time with her soon." If she persists, resist. It is very hard, but I can tell you that it works. We never gave a direct answer unless it was a certainty. We stopped softening the blows mom dealt. Once we did and BM had to be a bit more accountable for her words and actions we saw a shift in how SD reacted to her. There was no blind believing - she questioned her mom and her actions. I don't think this is great - it's quite sad - but it does take the pressure off you to cover for mom's selfish ways.

Hi all,

I just wanted to update on SD's birthday party. It was today and it was GREAT. After telling SD that BM told us she was going to do something with her on a different weekend, SD hadn't asked again about her mom or sister coming to her party. Her mom, of course, didn't call her at all this week and called her on Saturday (her real birthday) and talked for about five minutes. She actually cut off SD when she was telling her something and said she had to go. (her boyfriend's kids had a baseball game so that might be why. Then, her sister called her in the evening while we were out to dinner.

Then, today was her party and just about an hour before it ended, BM's mother drove up with SD's sister. We were cutting the cake and my MIL asked her to come sit down. She told her, 'no, we just came to drop of a present. We weren't invited so we can't stay.' We gave SD's sister a piece of cake but grandma declined taking a piece. Then they left. A while later, SD told me she gave her sister a ring pop and I asked her why she didn't stay. SD said, 'I thought she wasn't allowed' and I told her 'who said? It's your party and they could have stayed.' SD looked puzzled and said 'oh' and wasn't fazed. She had a great time and said that her friends told her it was the best party they'd ever been to. SD had a wonderful time and she's so happy. (I also have to add, that BM's mother drove an hour each way to drop off her present. She brought her a bouquet of tulips and a Toy's R Us gift card)

and I just wanted to add a picture of her cake. I spent two and a half days baking & decorating it myself...

The cake was beautiful! I am glad that the party went well. I find it odd that the grandma drove an hour each way to drop off a gift but did not come for the whole party! But it was nice that sd got to see her sis and grandma.

That cake is totally gorgeous. I'm taking course 3 cake decorating. Your flowers are beautiful. I love it! What a lucky girl...!

Ima,
Can you tell me how to post a photo on gardenweb? Like what you did above. Thank you!

Misti,

I use MySpace. I upload the picture to an album. Click on the picture I want. Right click and select 'copy image location'. (that saves it into memory) Then, I go into myspace blog, click on post a new blog, click on "If you can't input your blog, click here" and then click on image and a box pops up. right click and paste the image location there. click ok. a code pops up and I copy the code and paste it here. When you click 'preview message', the image should show up if you do it right.

Grandma was probably trying to make the point (either to us or SD) that that they were being excluded and we wouldn't let them come because we didn't send them an invitation. (even though they WERE invited by SD on the phone) It sort of backfired on her when she was asked to stay, and when nobody objected to them being there. and when we tried to be hospitable by offering her cake, she declined and left. At least it showed SD that we aren't going to kick them out, like they had led SD to believe.

Ima, I'm so glad it turned out well and your SD had a great time. Weird about grandma . . . but it kinds of helps you see where BM may get some of her crazy . . .!?!

Congrats on a great day!

That is one gorgeous cake!!!! Wish you could download the cake here, not just the photo, would love a piece for breakfast LOL