I have been reading a blog called The Country Doctor's Wife and she had four little boys while he was interning, so you aren't alone in this type of situation. I know it isn't easy for you and I haven't been that familiar with your posts to know if you have family nearby.

I hope you are getting over your "pity party" and feeling better soon.

No kids to add to our craziness. But I have a 1 hour commute to school 4 days a week and Eric lives at the funeral home where he works 5 nights a week because it is too far for him to come home (approx. 70 miles each way). All of this so I could go back to school. We get frustrated and really miss each other but try to be encouraging that in 3.5 years I will graduate and then we can move somewhere that will allow us to live under the same roof again. We can openly talk when each of us gets that rensentful feeling without the other feeling treatened. Are you able to communicate your frustrations about the "situation" without him feeling like they are directed toward him personally?

Oh, and I don't worry about housework. what gets done gets done. We don't have company so we are the only ones that have to look at it. I figure if I keep the grass cut in the summer, laundry done, and the kitchen usable, we will survive for now!

Sending good thoguhts you way.

I feel for you but, is it really ever going to get better? Doctors don't exactly get to relax after their schooling is over. You might as well find ways now to make this work better for you.

I know money is tight while your DH is in school but maybe you could afford enough help to lessen your load. A cleaning person once a week to clean up 'the pit'? A babysitter just for a couple of hours on the weekend (I know, when you're working all week, that's the last thing you might want to do but I'm just talking about a teen or college student for just 2-3 hours). A handyman for those things around the house?

I understand what you are going through...sorta. I am married to someone who travels extensively and it's been that way almost since day one. And DD grew up almost viewing 'dad' as a stranger. I can't tell you how many birthday parties, school events, our anniversaries, etc. etc, he has missed because of his travels.

Well, I could go on and on, but I will leave you without really saying much. Except that, you will get through this. There have been so many times that I have wished that DH could be home for this or that, but DD and I survived. She's all grown up now, married and moved away. And I still sit here and wonder where did my little girl go? The work, naw..there isn't any one thing that sticks out in my mind that I look back on and wish he would of been here to help me do. In the grand scheme of things, it's not that important.

But I have to agree with Paula. Can you find someone to help you out? Friend, relative, neighbor? That would take the pressure off of you. And one day you will look back on all of this and realize just how short of a time you had with your kids. Somehow the rest of it all takes care of itself.

Sounds like you are on overload. Can you afford a Nanny or a Housekeeper? I had an Au Pair from France, it was a wonderful experience for my kids. I wasn't looking for one, but it was recommended to me when my Son past away and I was having a tough time being a single parent and trying to work. She just took over like a big Sister and helped around the house. Her companionship was very comforting.

An Au Pair usually asks for less pay because they want the experience of living in the States.

Hubby and you should have a nice sit down communication, it is a "family" problem not just your problem. That is his house and kids too.

Have morning coffee/tea a couple days a week with a friend.

Gayle

Here is a link that might be useful: Au Pair

here's a hug (((audrey)))

and feel free to cry, it will help release some of the tension you have built up.

anette

Hang in there.
I've walked in your shoes.

When my husband was in training he'd be gone from home Thursday to Monday night and some nights in between. Thursday morning to Friday afternoon was training... and Friday to Monday morning was "moonlighting" to help pay the bills.
It got to the point where our 4 yr old and 1 yr old would cry because they were scared of the man in white.

It was awful but we got through it and so will you.

We were alone when heads got bumped or babies were crying because of cholic (sp?) or when toilets overflowed and when cars wouldn't start.

It helped that there were other families in our situation and we all bonded together and the other husbands pitched in when needed if the real dad wasn't around.

That was back in the late 60's and we are still unbelievably close to 2 of the other couples even though we don't live in the same city. We are more like family than friends and that's cause we walked through the coals together and came out unscathed.

You will survivie and you'll be stonger for it. You're not alone.

Good suggestions above. You sound overwhelmed, and I know how that feels. For a few years when my children were small my DH owned a business in another state and was gone all week. I did get overwhelmed at times, but I also grew to enjoy the freedom to create my own schedule, etc.

It's good that you recognize that no one is at fault. Give the good cry a try. I recommend it for everyone!

I'm sorry it's so rough for you right now. As for DH in school, will that change eventually? I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you!

I know when DH travels, I literally go into "survival mode". Some chores get ignored and I do the bare minimum just to get through each day without going crazy-lol! Don't sweat the small stuff as they say!

If a maid or babysitter isn't possible, I'd try to just make a list of everything you want to get done, even if it's small stuff. Then try to get one thing done each day. That usually makes me feel a little better. Then maybe DH could tackle one or tow on his day off, then relax afterwards! I know you have a baby, but could your older son help you a little? DD (3) makes her bed-not great-but good enough. And helps put clothes in the wash and sometimes puts toys away, again, not how I would do it, but good enough.

Also don't be afraid to ask for help. Ask a neighbor if they'd drop off stuff at the post office or pick up milk at the store for you (whatever stuff you need). Check on or two more things off the list! Around here, they have services that will deliver groceries to your house! I may check that out after baby #2 is born in a few months!

On weekends when DH is home, I go run errands WITHOUT DD (much faster that way). I try and be as effcient as possible. Our wal-marts and targets sell a limited amount of groceries, so sometimes I can get by with just going there and picking up milk, bread, cereal etc. Sometimes it irritates me that I'm the one doing the errands and DH is relaxing at home or taking DD to the park, but I figure it all evens out in the end, and I'd rather the stuff get done!

Hang in there!!
Teresa

Audrey, vent away - it won't solve the problem but at least you will feel a bit better after getting the words out and voicing how you are feeling about your situation.

Hugs

Anne

Thanks you guys. I just needed to vent and spend a few minutes feeling sorry for myself. Normally, I do share all these feeling with DH - we are VERY good communicators. But, since he's at the hospital all day, we never talk during the day. I get a quick call when he's on his way home. (He uses the 1/2 hour commute to unwind) Once he's home, we shuffle the kids off to bed, and he usually falls asleep while putting Jacob to bed. (Which is so sweet.)

I work full time, so the kids are in daycare 3 days a week and with each grandma one day a week. Because the grandmas help out during the week, I hesitate to lean on them over the weekend. I do have a few sitters I could call.

I know this won't go away when he's done with school. But, he's not going into surgery for this very reason. He wants a specialty that is family friendly. He doesn't like leaving at 4am and coming home at 8pm. If he does neurology, he'll have regular office hours, with a call schedule (something routine and predictable). If he does anesthesia, he'll also have a defined work schedule and probably do early mornings getting off in the afternoon. We were both raised in medical families, so we are familiar with the lifestyle.

I think it's just so hard because he really is my best friend and knows me better than anyone, and I can't even talk to him anymore because he's so busy.

It's also hard because my own career is taking some very exciting turns right now, and he's so involved with his own career, we haven't even discussed mine. He's so busy, and I understand that. There just aren't enough minutes in the day for us to get together and discuss everything we want to talk about.

I'm considering a house keeper, but our house is so dirty, I'd be embarrassed for the first few times they came. I'm trying to get over that, but it's slow going.

Mona - thank you for sharing your story. I know many other families go through this, and I am not alone. We KNEW this would be hard, and I'm in the midst of living through it. I'm sure five years from now I'll wonder how we got through it all.

I'm feeling better now. It's Friday night, and we typically spend it at the Golden Arches on the playground :) It gets Jacob active, and we all get out of the house. We've made some new friends there, so it can't be all bad, right?

Thanks to all of you!

Venting is perfectly fine but please try not to feel too sorry for yourself for too long - it's not going to help you deal with the issues. I had to search the forum because I wasn't sure what your husband was doing and I read your post from Feb. 11 where you spoke so proudly of what both of you are accomplishing.

I lived the same life that you described for many years. I must tell you that there are many times when you and the children will come in second to 'Mistress Medicine.' It certainly doesn't mean that you are any less loved but the medical profession is demanding. It has to do with the urgency of the situation - normally whatever needs to be done at home or with the kids can wait, there's always another soccer game to attend, the birthday or anniversary can be celebrated a day early or two days later. But as you described when a patient needs attention it usually cannot wait.

I'm not trying to be harsh or to diminish your feelings but would it help you to know that you are not alone? As the other posters mentioned here, many of them have been what I called 'a single wife' too. Both you and your husband will have to give up a lot for him to achieve his goal. My husband also taught for 2 years after college and worked weekends in a supermarket while my full time job required 2 nights a week and alternate weekends. Since this was before cell phones we would leave notes for each other. He then spent 4 years in school and another 6 until he finished all his training.

Please don't suffer this alone. Even though he is tired you need to let him know how you are feeling. Discuss getting extra help for some of the household chores. Are you friendly with any of the other spouses who are in a similar situation? It helps to talk about it with others who are experiencing the same thing.

And unfortunately depending on what type of medical practice he selects it may not get much better. There isn't an easy answer to this but please find someone you can talk to and share this with. We had just moved across the state so I didn't know anyone and I think it would have helped me immensely. Are there any family members near by or a neighbor you are friendly with?

And go back and read your earlier post. Print it out and save it for those times when you are so distressed you can't think straight. You can always open up here- and we will lend and ear and send hugs back to you. Wishing you well for now and better days to come.

I think you should hire a maid, even if you'd get embarrassed. Sounds like you can afford it and it would help relieve some of your stress. I would if I could afford it. I'd also hire someone to fix the broken stuff around here but can't afford it right now. It's really frustrating sometimes. You should count your blessings, someday it will get better for you both.

Audrey, I'm so glad you feel better for the moment, but it is only for the moment....and then every other moment you pick yourself back up. You already know there will be many more. Head them off right now because it's best to be proactive rather than reactive and chasing one problem after another, or you end up on a constant rollercoaster. Where do you think that will leave you? No good for yourself, your children, or your husband. You have told yourself a hundred times, "I can do this!" but honestly you cannot. You are not superwoman, and there's nothing worse than the let down of feeling like a failure. On top of that, hubby doesn't need you complaining all the time. He knows just like you that it isn't his fault, so what do you expect him to be able to do about it? He doesn't need the added pressure any more than you do. And just to scare you, you might as well select right now the gutter you choose to drive your marriage into.

The way to head things off is everything you think of to make life easier for both of you. That means getting over any embarrassment and calling someone to help out. Do it now. What is the point in waiting? For the house to get dirtier? For the laundry to pile up higher? For a few other things to break and not get fixed? You need a wife and there is NOOOO shame in that game. Please do it now. You'll be so better able to free your mind and really organize things the way you want them. You'll be able to think straight and feel better much more often. Yes, you'll still miss hubby, but think of the time you can spend with him when he is able to be home, rather than issuing chores for him to do and once again he's not able to get around to them. Just imagine being able to spend time together without you worrying about the floors needing a mop. You knew this would be difficult, but who said there are no areas in your life you can make easier.

Decide what you're willing/able to spend each week. But don't go looking for someone at their price. Look for someone to come in at your price. If that is $100, then find someone willing to come in twice a week for $50 a day. That might be 4 or 5 hours a day, which $10 an hour sounds fair to me. If you can only manage 60 or 80 dollars, for example, have someone once a week to stay the day. There are service centers around here that come for an initial $25. They charge for labor and parts, but the 25 bucks is included if you tell them to go ahead and do the job. Find service centers in your area. Most things don't cost very much to repair.

You will have to do it. The emotional ups and downs are not worth your well being or your marriage. Let us know how things turn out.

I hope today's a better day for you, Indy. Try to get some rest when you can, sweetie!