*scarcastically* What my SO's DD used to do is highly effective. Here are the instructions to any child who doesn't want to go with their other parent: Step 1: Be anywhere in the world but where you are supposed to be at the designated pickup time. That way the parent picking you up has to drive to the pre-designated place. Step 2: When parent calls your cell phone, don't answer. This way you have plausible deniability. Step 3: When parent calls the parent you are with, have that parent not answer their phone. This will cause the picking up parent to have to wait. Step 4: Have the parent you are with call the picking up parent way later (and after you've done whatever it is you would've rather done than see the picking up parent) and say that you are all on your way home. Have the parent you are with say they are sorry they weren't there at the designated time and place but that the picking up parent can go over right now and pick you up. Step 5: HURRY inside the house really, really fast! Take off the cool clothes you wore to wherever you were and throw on the oldest pair of PJs you can find. Mess up your hair! Lay down on the couch and pretend to be asleep. Step 6: When picking up parent gets there, have parent you are with answer the door and say "shhhhhh.....she was asleep in the car so we brought her in and had her change clothes; you can take her in those PJs" And the result of all of this hard work is......you don't have to go with the other parent because they feel bad waking you up and say they can just come in the morning. They ask for you to call them when you wake up. Here's the important part: DON'T CALL! If you call, you'll end up going so make sure you don't call! Actually.....in all seriousness....maybe your DH should just tell BM he would like to modify visitation since SD's schedule is getting busier. Have a plan already made up to present to her.

FD, Now that I've gone back and re-read your previous couple posts, I must say I think you're a bit off, for lack of better description. "If that's how you talk to your DH and SD no wonder"-- Huh? WTH are you talking about? "Didn't your DH said that he has a problem with your treatment of him?" Uh, no. Of course he (like most of us) doesn't like it when it's pointed out to him that he's wrong. "he took a long time to voice that" No, FD. He's never liked being wrong. "So talking about open communication at home"-- yes, talk about it. We have LOADS of it. SD is glad she can FINALLY have some. Her own words!!!!!!! "her leg broken, it is still mom's fault"---WHO SAID THAT???? "I understand you have nothing to say nicksmom."--HUH? You are losing me here? "You know I am right."-- Now THAT is about the funniest thing I've hear all day...maybe even all year! I have yet to find you right about much. Sorry 'bout your luck. "I don't know who you blamed for ankle issue."--Welllll, up above you said I blamed Mom. Which is a bunch of crap, of course, but you said it. "Pretty soon you won't be able to blame mom anymore"--again, what have I blamed her for? Unless you are referring to the guilt trips and moving kids away, which are both REALITY, I'm not sure what you are talking about. Now, let's see if you can actually respond to ANYTHING above. Or will you just continue to ramble and make laughable statements?...that aren't even true....

raek, I understand you sooooooooo much and I really,really know where you are coming from. You say : "I said something like...Thanks for giving us that time together, it really meant alot to me." I don't really want to spend to much time on this point because it has happened in the past,....but ......i still think (please don't take it personnaly) that it was a little bit mean to do that. I mean who cares if she allowed your father or not to go and visit you. That was between them. If anything, it should have been your father who thanked her for letting him do something alone not you. Disengage, disengage, disengage. It's not with her you want to make a new start. It's with your dad. You don't need to be disrespectful towards your father's wife however. Did you notice how I am using less and less the words "" your SM'' or ""my oldest SD'' ( i did in an early post this morning, but I'm doing it less and less. Even when i talk about her to whoever. I know say : my DH's oldest daughter. Perhaps you could always refer now to your SM as your dad's wife, spouse, partner, lover, whatever but not ''My SM''. It's a little way of disengaging that I read about on this Web site. It helps. I agree with you also on another point you made. Why would someone travel somewhere when the people they will see aren't his or her friends. DH's oldest daughter just moved back in our city but for a few years she lived five hours from us with her DH and two young kids. You would not believe the number of times DH has asked me to go with him and visit them, the number of times his oldest daughter has begged me to go and visit her, the number of times her then husband asked me to go and see their place!!! Every single time I said NO, i found an excuse...anything, i couldn't leave the dog alone for so many days, I didn't want to put him in a kennel cuz it was too expensive and I didn't want to have to put him through a five hour car drive, etc.etc. I swear to god this went on for about three years and all the time I kept telling Dear hubby why do you keep on insisting on this issue. I will not go visit your daughter. One day he did it again. I said ok you want to push it well here is my answer why I won't even bother a single minute to put myself throught such a trip. I said '' Remember the day your daughter got married. He said yes. I said do you remember how she celebrated everybody she loved and wanted near her on that day by offering them a beautiful corsage to wear. He said yes i remember that. Well, I said, was I amongnst these people. Did your daughter offer me a corsage considering I had been in her life for 14 years at that point? DH said no. So, i said. why in the world would I want to go in your daughter's house when on the most important day of her life she ignored me like you ignore a dog and she has never, never to this day thanked me for the money we (DH and I) gave them as a wedding day!!!!!!! Since then DH has never bothered me or asked me again to go to her house and i don't intend to ever go to the new place she will eventually have once she leaves her mom's place. Finally, raek you say : "I start to remember that he didn't really reach out to me a whole lot even when she wasn't in the picture, but my dislike for her and her's for me has driven an even bigger wedge between the 2 of us." It is so true. I too for a long time really disliked DH's oldest daughter. I blamed everything on her but now i know that DH is just as guilty. He always put her needs first to the detriment of our relationship but things are starting to change. When i see he acts likes this, i don't take it all out on his daughter anymore. I tell DH how i feel about his behaviour towards me and how it affects me or us as a couple. Example : he got a 500 dollar bonus from work. He gave it all to his daughter so she could buy a second hand car. I didn't mind that he gave her money but I didn't want him to give it all to her considering we had bills to play. But oh non. DH had to look good so he gave it all to her. Of course, she never thought i might have some right on that money or that I might deserved to be also told thank you considering her father and I have been together for 18 years and share everything. So you know what I did. For the first time in 18 years, i got a big cheque and I put every single penny of it in my banking account. In the past, when I got some extra money, i was the first one to pay our bills or whatever bill there was around, i would buy him clothes, pay fines, whatever. First thing i knew, i had no money left! DH is not really happy with what I did with this last cheque but ask me if i care!!!! So far out of that whole cheque I spent a big 35 $ on him for a pair of jeans!!!! Enough is enough. I spent over 600 $ on an operation for puppy, i spent a bit on me and i will use the rest to buy some patio furniture! So whenever he complains about this cheque, i remind him I didn't spend it all on me. He will enjoy the furniture and the dog is as much mine as his. So there you go! Next time he has extra money, perhaps he will think a little bit before giving it away and disregarding our/my needs.!!! I keep telling my friends or anybody I know who meets a man who has children and it doesn't matter how old the children are, to run away as fast as they can from that relationship or at least not to get emotionnaly involved with the kids and to keep a distance from the children for a long, long time before they all become buddy-buddy. Knowing what you know today, you must thank the Lord that you are not in that relationship with that man you met who had a child. My alcoholic father left my mother alone with four children. She raised us alone and we lived on welfare all our lives. At one point, my mom met a very nice man. In fact they went out together for 14 years. I really, really loved him. He didn't treat me like he was my father. He was always our friend. Everybody kept asking my mom she wasn't living with this man. She also said. these are my children and i will raised them on my own. I will not force them upon another person. I think my mom was very avant-gardist just like when she decided to register all her kids in an English school when we were living a totally french environment, didn't have english speaking friends, didn't have a cousin or uncle who spoke english, (not even my mom spoke English. She always said she did that so her children could have another culture, be independent and be able to travel. I love her! Sorry for such the long post. I don't know whats happening to me this morning but it sure feels good to be able to vent all my feelings like this. Thanks for reading me. Keep posting.

I'm brutally honest about my SD to my Dh as well. And my dh , even though he does support me and loves me, he loves his daughter but doesn't want to see the 'bad' in her...but reality hits him in the face from timeto time and he realizes what i've said about her is real. Its not made up. And he too will not let his daughter come between us. But we are not in the same situ as u. She doesn't live with us and we are not her legal guardians. We are lucky in that sense cause i'm hearing she is causing hell for her Stepfather at her mothers house . I told my dh, i want none of that and will not live like that on a daily basis. As much as i love him, i will walk if it came to that. So , dont feel guilty and wanting to take it back. Its better to be open and honest with your husband and if he cannot handle that and support the marriage he is in then he better step out of it. Just my opinion. I am not sure if he cangive up custody of his daugther under the circumstances you have described unless her mother wants her full time. And it is her daugther and she wants her mother. Just like boys want their fathers...i think that is natural. Your Sd is probably acting out cause she really wants her mom. Regardless how she dresses or is an ex stripper doesn't mean she is a bad mother in my eyes. If someone wants to dress scantilly its their business....and my friend was an ex stripper...she is not a bad person or a bad mother. She had to pay the bills and the 'father' was not in the pic to help her , so she needed the money. At least she didn't prostitute herself. She dresses like her mother cause she wants to emulate her. Its normal. BUt being under your household , her father can tell her that in this home, we dont dress like that and that is that. I think her being with her mother for the summer is exciting and she loves her ...i know she loves her dad...but yeah...girls tend to be princesses but only if dad puts her on that pedastle. Does your husband put her on that pedastle? Does he give into her wants and everything???? SD is young, she needs to be taught that she can't have it her way all the time and not all places are interesting but that she must attend. These are taught things. How is she with your kids??? You are married over a year, how long were you dating him before ...? How do you 3 kids likehim? Sorry...., alot of questions. p.s if she mouthes off at you , its up to your husband to step in, tell her to stuff it and go to her room. She must be taught to respect others. My husband always stepped in if his kids were out of line withme. Which for the most part they weren't. Last week my SS asked how much i paid for an item, i told him, i didn't mind but my husband quickly told him its none of your business how much money that costs.