i so hear you!!!!

i feel this way sometimes because i cannot have kids anymore (i have one ) and unfortuantelly life played itself the way that I didn't have anyone to have kids more with when i could and was young enough. i am a good mother to one child and raised her to be a succesful adult, but i wish i had more kids. and yet there are moms who are pretty crapy ones and yet they kept popping babies, pardon me. and they don't raise succesful adults.

i know it is unfair to think this way but i do feel like this at times. i so understand you...g

ood luck with invitro. My cousin could not have babies for 5 years and she ended up getting triplets after the procedure! they are 4 now and what a joy they are. don't give up, miracles happen.. you can also adopt! but even if not, you are already a great mother to your SS.

Wow, that is so awful. Sounds like she was looking to make a scene. You may want to look into a PPO (personal protection order) that behavior is very threatening IMO and you certainly do not need to deal with her acting out when you are trying to concieve.

I would talk to your DH and go together to the courthouse monday and file for a PPO, pay the $50 or whatever to have her served and if she corners you like that again, call the police.

Even at school events there is no reason for her to come closer than 100 feet to you. And I would let you DH deal with any further problems with SS/school things even if he has to wait til he has time..

So sorry that happened to you. Do not fret over using doner eggs or whatever, once you hold a little one in your arms it won't matter how it was concieved you'll be over the moon in love :0)

Well, her behavior leaves something to be desired but she does have a point to a certain extent. She does need to be in the loop and not saying that ~you~ Sandieanne, is a problem, but if it creates more problems having you in the loop or the ability to feed into more problems, then I would back off.

DH should've informed BM. It is kind of strange that you are willing to take on the parent role, but when she confronts you about it you just point to DH. I am not in anyway defending her, I think she handled herself poorly, but I do see where it can be offensive.

Since you are aware that she has a problem with this, I would make sure that any/all communications go through DH and her. You do not need this stress anyway.

Granted life isn't fair, do what is best for you and your health.

The next time the BM needs something from you, remind her you aren't SS's mother, he thinks you're a b*%^&, she is the mother, and she'll have to take him to TKD or whatever it is that she doesn't want to do. Make her own words come back to bite her on her behind.

well, I decided to e-mail her. I have her work and home e-mail from my husbands address book. I e-mailed her home address and then blocked both of her addresses. This is what I wrote:

You're behavior at the basketball game today was completely inappropriate. If you have a problem with anything that I do or say regarding SS you will discuss it with DH, not me. I hope you fully understand. If you attempt to verbally attack me or try to engage in a fight as you did today at the game, I will call the police and let them deal with you. If you harass me in any way, try to contact me in any way, I will call the police and/or get a restraining order. I am documenting your behavior and I am going to keep a copy of this e-mail with me for the police should I need it in the future. I have done nothing to you except make every effort to be good to your son even if you have some other misguided belief. When dropping him off or picking him up, if you have something to tell me regarding SS, I will listen. That should be the only time you talk to me. I will not allow you to verbally attack or threaten me again.

You are SS's mom and I do respect that more than you have the ability to understand, but you are not my mother and I don't have to do as you say. I do not answer to you!

I called my DH and told him and he is completely supportive. I told him I am not playing games with her, I will call the police.

As she has called my work before, I am going to give my work a copy of the e-mail also for any future problems she may try to cause.

As for talking to the instructor, we discussed waiting and letting DH talk to him, but SS wouldn't be back for another class in over a week. We both felt that since the incident happened the day he had class, the instructor talking to him that day would have a greater impact than over a week later. My SS would have moved on in his thinking by then. Under normal circumstances, DH is the one handling these things and SS knows that to be the case.

I'm still struggling with the emotions of the other situation. I meet again with the doctor on Monday and will listen to the options, but my gut tells me I will then be feeling the loss for all the dreams I had of having a child with my own genetic makeup. I will consider the donor egg if that is placed on the table and I appreciate the words of encouragement.

and as I mentioned in the first post- the BM does not make communication easy for my husband. She will not respond to e-mails and typically does not answer her phone so even DH discussing things with BM is extremely difficult. AS for her taking him to classes- she refuses to take him to any of the classes because it is a waste of her time. My SS even told his counselor that his mom is trying to get him to not like going anymore, but he likes to go. She also refuses to take him to most boy scout activities on her time. Thankfully, she did agree to take him to the Memorial Day Parade to ride on the float. That would have been a real blow if she said no to that one.

Gigglemonster- As for the just pointing at him remark- if you read the post, I explained what happened with the instructor to her and then I explained to her that DH and I discussed the situation prior to me talking to the instructor. I only pointed at my DH after she continued to badger me when it was clear she needed to be discussing the situation with DH. She wasn't going to do that since I was her obvious target. There was no 'backing off' needed by me as I didn't do anything wrong. Maybe she should answer her phone or respond to e-mails from DH or maybe even give him her cell phone number instead of giving DH her husband's cell phone number. Then she would be in the loop. Even the court found her behavior to be unacceptable which is why my husband has full physical custody.

Sandieanne, I did read your post. From what I still understand was that she was not informed prior to you talking to the instructor. If that is a bone of contention, then I would find solutions to work around that. Since DH does have her husbands cell phone or her landline since it sounds like you have it just not her cell, it would have been easy to leave a message. There wouldn't need to be a conversation but DH could've leave message detailing what happened.

Granted, she sounds like the kind of woman that would find a problem with anything, but if you know that you are dealing with that type then I would stay out if it, imo.

It already sounds like a volatile situation and IMO, if my presence didn't help I wouldn't push it. This isn't a dig to you, Sandieanne it is what *I* would do to preserve my sanity and try to aim for a healthy situation for SS.

By DH having physical custody it doesn't sound like he has full legal, so she does have some rights to be informed and have a parenting agreement between her and DH. Again, I am not defending her but she does have some say in what goes on with her son.

I think your email was great, sometimes you have to really hit back to a bully. BUT, this is ammo for her as well. This is why I am saying I would stay out of it.

That is why I sent that e-mail - to let her know I don't want anything to do with it. She is not to contact me. I don't contact her and my Dh does not contact the SF. Of course, SF has contacted DH- one of those recorded conversations helped my husband in court. I can't help but be involved to an extent and my husband is the one who handles 95% of the serious things, but there are times when I do have to handle matters- only common sense says that will happen over time. They do have joint legal custody, but the court order gives my husband the final say in all matters they do not agree on...which is most things. My husband does leave messages, etc, again, she will not respond. He typically uses e-mail as it is a written communication and she has lied repeatedly and will say she doesn't know about something, but she does. She has also told my DH and SS that her home phone is broken and she can't receive messages, but my Dh leaves them anyway because we know she was just lying again. My husband often will cut and paste from past e-mail to show her where he told her something. In fact- in our state, most court docket entries are public and in their custody case (which has about 207 entries) it is documented twice that she has lied under oath. She knows about what is happening, she just lies and says she doesn't to start fights. Today, she was looking to fight with me.

Sandieannie, that was my point. She wasn't given a chance to agree or disagree on this issue. Even if DH had called and left a message and she didn't call back or claim she didn't receive it, you will have proof (phone records he did) and did abide by the parenting agreement. Then she really hasn't a leg to stand on.

She sounds like a real doozie and I really feel for you, that is a horrible situation for you, DH and most of all SS.

Why couldn't your H have called the Tae Kwon Do instructor instead of having you talk to him?

"but there are times when I do have to handle matters"

This is where I disagree. If you wouldn't do it if you were the child's babysitter, don't do it at all.

She was given a chance and didn't take it. She could have responded, but didn't. She only does this to stir things up. She makes up reasons to fight with DH. I have always respected that they are the parents and have not overstepped my bounds. I have never had to deal with her in this manner before today because I let them be the parents. I will continue with this way of handling my SS as it has been working. She approached me when she should have discussed it with DH first. She choose this setting so she could make a scene. She probably found out her SS gave me a mother's day gift last weekend so she was looking for a reason to attack me. That is usually how it works. I could give you stories about her and her mother at the courthouse. She will pretend innocence and then - pow- she will call names in front of children and become all crazy.

My DH tries hard to disengage when she gets like this and he tries very hard to adhere to the letter of the custody agreement. My Dh has learned that playing by the rules will get you somewhere- it just takes a long time. So we play the the rules even though we get burned more often than not. I say we, because I am a part of this- like it or not. But my role is not the starring role. But, they do have awards for supporting actors so us stepparents must have some significance.

What I know for sure is that when the next court date comes- and there will be a next court date- everything will be documented. That is what my DH did before and it worked miracles.

In the meantime, I feel the most for SS because he had to watch this happen in front of all of his friends and their parents.

If you wouldn't do it if you were the child's babysitter, don't do it at all.

There is where I have to disagree. Clumping me with a babysitter! You must be a BM. I think I may be a step up from a babysitter....if you think of SM's like babysitters than you need therapy and quickly. I don't get paid to do this- in fact, I spend my own money because our BM doesn't pay for anything other than her little bitty child support payment. And a babysitter can go home. Guess what - this is my home and when things happen inside of it, I do have every right to respond....again, if you don't agree with that, you need therapy. I make the choice almost every day to have my husband deal with many matters I think I should be able to deal with. Again- I make the choice for this for my own sanity. If my SS is being disrespectful, do you really think I'm going to wait for daddy to come home? You've got to be kidding. I have rights in this mess, but I choose to give some up to my husband to keep things sane.

As for calling- they don't answer when classes are going- they have a machine so Dh couldn't get a hold of the instructor....why must every detail on a post be disected

If someone doesn't agree with you, they need therapy??

If you were babysitting someone else's child in your home, you can respond - within limits. However, it would be inappropriate for you to speak to his Tae Kwon Do instructor.

This child has a mother, and there is absolutely no reason the father couldn't have left her a message. If he couldn't talk to the instructor that day, he could have left a message with him as well.

you obviously didn't read the post where I said that my ss would not be in class for over a week. see bm doesn't want to waste her time to take him and the only other night he could make it was on her night. Over a week later would not have had the same impact. Was I suppose to go to the instructor and say- Hey there is a message for you can you check it now before class starts and hold up all the students who are paying for your services?- of course not, that is just insane.

As I also said, when mom feels like she will respond to something, the bio parents do make the decisions. When she doesn't respond- guess what- she made a choice not to and she will have to deal with that. She is his mother, but when she acts a fool, I have to deal with the aftermath as well as my DH. I think that puts me a little above a babysitter.

It's not about you disagreeing with me that therapy is in order- it's telling me I'm like a babysitter. That is an ridiculously bad comparison. I am not a babysitter. I don't get paid and I do have rights in my home.

I think we are going to have to agree to disagree because it is apparent you have not been in my shoes before!!!

This is where I disagree. If you wouldn't do it if you were the child's babysitter, don't do it at all.

So which is it TOS?

On another thread you critized Organic Maria for stating If they disrespect me under my home then they will leave

Well if a child I am babysitting disrespects me under my home then they are leaving

Are we suppose to treat our SK as our own - or butt out

You can't have it both ways

TOS is at it again! Trying to call sm's who live with their stepchildren babysitters! Wish I got paid for all I do for my stepchild!

So we are now allowed to take them to sports but not allowed to talk to coaches and instructors?? Will have to keep that in mind! Maybe op could have had dh write the instructor a note and she could have handed it to him, without saying a word of course! And if he tried to discuss it with her maybe she could hand him a phone and tell him she is not allowed to discuss such huge issues that he should call her dh!

If the sm is good enough to drive sk around and parent him then she is good enough to talk to the coach about her dh's concerns! If the child lives with dh and sm they do not have to consult with bm on each issue that arises. I highly doubt TOS calls her exh to consult on each minor decision she has made regarding their children. Though she has called him to open windows for her!

trolls need therapy. Period.

Organic Maria does not have the right to tell the child to leave a home that is just as much his and his father's. That is the difference - she is not telling a child to leave HER home, she is telling the child to leave his own home. He has just as much right to be there as she does.

Sandieanne,

And how would asking him to check his message delay the class anymore than talking to him about the child would?

So what if it would have less of an impact a week later, even if that were the case? If it was that important to talk to the instructor RIGHT THEN, then his father should have taken time off to do so.

So TOS when you and dh were married you would have had him take off work to have a conversation with a coach when you were already off work and could have done it??

This is the same situation! The sm is a full-time parent to the child and is good enough to drive the child around so she should be able to talk to the coach about something her and the childs father discussed.

I would not have my dh take off work to go talk to one of my skids teachers or coaches if I could just go. And he would not ask me to take off work to go talk to one of my sons teachers or coaches if he was already off work and able to do it for me. We are married and are a team. We raise his children and my child together. We trust eachother to handle things like this.

Maybe money grows on trees where you live but not by me! I would not have my dh waste a sick day to do something I was perfectly capable of handling!

Sandieanne, I agree with you I am not in anyway saying that you don't have rights or overstepped. You and DH were obviously doing what you thought were in the best interest of SS.

Did DH specifically state that you would be talking to the instructor? I'm guessing that BM wanted to be the one to talk to him, if DH couldn't. As far as SS being embarassed, I think she is projecting her own feelings about the situation.

No, it is NOT the same thing, because my exH and I are both the biological parents of the children. When I was married, my H and I almost always went together to talk to their teachers, if we were doing so in person. That is what personal time is for. Why would you take sick time for that?

Oh geez, sorry but when kids step or bio are living in our (DH's & My home) it is not just as much their home as ours-it is OURS, DH & I pay the bills, support the family and I expect at the very least to be respected by any kid grown or not living in the home us the parents are paying for! We raise them, help them, do things for because we love and care for them NOT because they are entitled. They are a part of our family living in our home until (I wish) they are adults and capable of being on their own. Til then, live in our house-better be nice & do your part.

As far as this, I think Mom is baiting you, I'd let DH handle it from here on out so you don't have to. I think it's great you are taking the time to see to it your SS gets to his activities and personally would have done the same thing. You wanted the fighting situation addressed BEFORE something bad happened. You were protecting your SS, so Kudos to you!

Funny this makes me think of the two times my youngest SS fractured his shoulder & arm, DH was out of town and BM lived 45 min away. So obviously I did not wait to contact BM I took him right to the hospital, had him treated-though I had no "legal" right to. I had SS call his mother she asked to speak to me and said both times "Thank you so much for taking care of him."

It's just that simple, you were taking care of a urgent situation for the good of the kid. No need to make mountains out molehills. But for the future since you know how she will most likely react and because of the threatening behaviors I would opt for the PPO-now & refrain from any contact with her, even via emails from here on out.

Good luck, I think your SS is lucky to have you for a s-mom since you so obviously care about what happens to him and that he is able to do activities like TKD. You don't HAVE to do that- You CHOOSE to do it.

As far as I am concerned, my DH and BM have equal rights to make decisions regarding their children, up to and including asking their spouses to take care of certain tasks, problems, whatever. If BM asked her husband to do X in her place, for whatever reason, that is her decision. If DH asks me to do Y in his place, ditto. Her husband is not a babysitter and neither am I. We are adults in the household.I can guarantee I would be held more accountable than a babysitter if something happened to one of my SC!
It seems ridiculous to make such a comparison, because it seems to me a decent stepparent has a much greater moral and emotional obligation to their SPOUSE'S child than a paid sitter ever could!
BPs who nitpick are the one's who need therapy!

I don't think that is quite the same thing, cattlelettuce. Sandieanne cannot get a PPO and then still take care of SS without notifying BM of an emergency situation. That is potentially setting Sandieanne's Dh in contempt of the court order since they both have joint legal custody. Sandieanne is a legal stranger.

IMO, DH and BM in this situation need to communicate with each other. It is an already volatile situation and Sandieanne does not need to be in the middle of it. In any case, this was NOT an urgent situation -- more the reason why Sandieanne should've not been thrown in the mix of it. Especially so because BM obviously has some screws loose.

LOL!! haha..TOS my husband read your posts...
GUESS WHAT??? This is my house and the rule stands. If anyone is disrespectful under my home the DOOR IS OPEN. And yes the time my SD played that awful game of teachign my son to slap then got him to slap his brother in the face just to use the excuse ot call MOM..mother of the year to complain i did tellher to leave. I did this during her conversation to her mother. I said ' tellyour mother to pick you up whenshe finisheds work, your behaviour of teaching little toddlers to slap inteh face is unacceptable and since you keep teaching him after your father has told you twice to stop, this is the consequence. Come pick her up.
So yes tos i have the RIGHT to kick anyone out of my house who is disrespectful I dont care who it is. I've kicked my SM and my father out of my home. I've told cousins, friends and yes now my sk too cause they are old enough to understand to respect another human being.
And my husband agrees. THis is my home and its his. If his kids are disrespectful to me and him we have the right to ask or tell them to leave. And our son will also be shipped out if he acts out. My brother who is a priest can deal with him.BUt you see i raise my son with VALUES to respect another human being. Nto like biomom who tells her own daughter to F off. How respectful is that.

I actually know how you feel. I have a 3 week old son and my husbands ex still somehow finds time to harasss me and call me b---- in front of her daugter. It usually doesnt upset me so much and I can usually ignore it. But when youre dealing w/ personal stress and then some crazy looney ex starts in on you, it can be very overwhelming. I wish i had some good advice, but I am kind of dealing w/ the same kind of woman.Just stay strong and try really hard to not let her come between you, your husband and your plans of trying to have kids.

Sandieanne: I think that *part* of the issue ---perhaps what gets BM especially 'riled up'--- is simply that she feels muscled out and controlled. She may have 'issues' to begin with, but I don't see how your actions have helped 'tame' her, and I'll explain why.

My thinking about step-parents' roles is if it has to come down to a choice between "treat them as your own" OR "butt out" (it, admitedly, being difficult to negotiate a balance in the middle), there's a simple rule-of-thumb: if they live with you the majority of the year and are largely dependent on you and/or your spouse/partner, treat them as your own. If they live elsewhere the majority of the year and are largely dependent on their custodial BP, butt out. (Again, IF you decide that you simply MUST CHOOSE one-or-the-other.) If they live with you and you opt to "treat them as your own", I see nothing wrong with that and in fact think that's the responsible and loving thing to do. HOWEVER, this doesn't give you a right to completely usurp say from the non-custodial parent. Even if you think s/he is a total piece of crap, even if s/he acts "all crazy", even if your values and/or parenting styles completely contradict. This is one of those inevitable things that so many people find so difficult about step-parenting and why so many people should have thought so much harder about the situation before they got involved in it.

The BP, in this case the BM, will always be a factor. Yes, it can be a humungous pain and mental drain having to confer ---or communicate at all--- with someone whom you feel is a waste of space or doesn't have their head on straight. Yes, you can rationalize usurping say and control completely by stating that BM is "crazy" or "court-determined just-plain-unfit" or whatever. (If the law finds her "unfit" enough, they have ways of making sure she has no access to SS or any other child.... that hasn't happened yet, but give it a try if you're so convinced.) You can even convince yourself that "it's in the best interest of THE KID" when the BM is deemed so unworthy (which has the added convenience of removing the reminder of DH's past from your sight and his.) But you are are likely to create ---or at least escalate--- more problems if you take that approach.

BM doesn't need to be consulted on EVERYTHING (if that were the case, she'd be wanting to move in with you, to supervise the selection of toothpaste or how the kid learns how to fold socks) but there are some things that need to be discussed with her. I won't opine on the exact nature of the Tae Kwon Do incident or whether or not BM should have been dialogued with about *that exact thing*. Maybe, maybe not. (Though, in general, the subject of discipline and outside authorities is important enough to merit input from ALL parental figures.) But I am gathering that BM certainly feels like she doesn't have enough say, period. Not only from your very direct statements to this effect [making important judgement calls/taking action regarding SS but then slinking out of reponsibility and pointing to DH (who, no matter whose DH he is in so many of these situations, seems to be always and forever just out of earshot...and mute, or busy...); blocking BM's emails so she doesn't even get a chance to respond to your email missive informing her that she is to stay away and avoid any say in what decisions are made regarding her son; finally, being very proud of yourself for that fact] but also from her behavior. Just something to consider: is *part* of what's making her so "crazy" ---or *especially* crazy around you--- the fact that she feels she's talking to a wall... a wall that makes decisions and then just kinda sits there, like a wall, as though it didn't? Also, would that make YOU a little crazy? Think about it honestly.

Whether or not BM is actually "crazy" or just "bad" ---or not--- isn't even the issue. Whether or not people actually "are" mentally unstable or morally objectionable or riddled with brain disease or crazy in any kind of "official" or "certifiable" way, one thing is true: treat anybody like they're crazy and they will act crazier. Gaslight them, play with their heads, control important aspects of their lives or the lives of those close to them while implicitly denying you've done so, cutting off all communication except the official version issuing forth from YOUR lips, all the while claiming that you "respect" their role and you WILL have a nutjob on your hands.

Nutjob-ness now being in one way or the other an established situation, you will have to DEAL with this nutjob. If for no other more loving or altruistic reason than simply keeping her out of your own hair as much as possible. The state hasn't locked her up yet, she's still on the loose, so what to do? Do you run away and hide, thus pi$$ing her off even more and taking her nutjobness to yet another level? Do you [against the warnings of most zoos] throw taunts, crumbs or emails at her to remind her of her lack of control? Do you humor her, patiently enduring her nutjobby ramblings, all the while knowing you're just going to do what you want to do anyway as soon as she's gone? Not an easy situation at all, and these are extremely difficult decisions to make. If you can prevent the situation reaching a point where you have to make them, all the better.

Sandieanne--

To clarify, after re-reading your posts: it doesn't sound like you have *in the past* wielded any excessive amount of control over SS (unless, of course, there have been some other situations like this one). My point is don't start that pattern now. I think your only true mistake here was that you slinked out of responsibility for the action you DID end up taking in this instance. (And even that action was fine, if you had clued in BM before, or even after, or at least acknowledged that you DID step in.) Because you didn't want to deal with her fallout (and, admitedly, her fallout WAS in the wrong time and place). This is the same reason you blocked her emails and put up a verbal "talk to the hand". That exact thing is what's likely to really get her dander up, and honestly it's just not very mature. If you're going to "step in", at least take the responsibility and consequence for having done so. Refusal to dialogue with her about it and talking down to her instead of trying to work *with* her is going to create problems. Again, it doesn't sound like you've made that mistake before now (though somewhere along the line it DOES seem clear that BM is feeling too out-of-the-loop and marginalized as a parent), so just don't go that route and worsen this rift. If you find that you can't "step in" and simultaneously take the responsibility & consequences ---knowing THIS BM and her tendencies--- then, yes, the advice given to 100% refuse involvement is valid. (Hopefully, though, you'll decide to accept the responsibilty, because DH and SS ---not to mention possible future additional child--- could sure use your support and input.)

Speaking of the possible future additional child, if you repeatedly can't get pregnant, there are always existing children who could use loving adoptive families. They may not have "your dna", but they are just as amenable to loving care. I'm just sayin'....

I think you handled the situation the best that you could have. There is absolutely no justification for her actions at her sons basketball game no less. If she had an issue (other than wanting to cause drama) she should have done the mature and adult thing and addressed it in private. Everything about that coversation was meant to try and ruffle your feathers from telling you not once but twice that SS calls you a B to herself calling you a B and then trying to instigate a fight with the make me comment. And, I myself probably would have done the same saying something to the extent of " Yes, I know that you are the mother but neither you nor DH were there and this was a course of action that Dh and I agreed upon. I did not unilaterally take this into my own hands SS father my husband was the deciding factor in this and if you have a problem with that then you need to discuss it with him. He is over there although to be quite honest this is neither the time nor the place." I would have got up and walked away if only to go the concession stand to break off any more communication. And my only response to her taunts (which is all they were) would have been really well if ss really feels that way then I guess he and I need to have a heart to heart thank you for bringing this to my attention. I am a big fan of the kill them with kindness aproach (alhtough believe me I KNOW how hard that is). I do not see in any way that you did anything wrong. I am sorry for all of your troubles. Just relax and let it roll off of your shoulders... a little venting goes a long way to letting situations like that go. I can understand your feelings of frustration especially in such an emotional time in your own life. I know without a doubt that it is easier said than done but do not let her get to you. It helps me to let go to remind myself that there have got to be a lot of things going on in her head to make her act like that and like you said probably a lot of insecurity and jealousy ... in my own life it tends to make me feel almost sorry for the person and allows me to let go of my anger. I probably would not have followed up with an email only because I tend to believe that just letting it go rather than continueing a situation/argument or whatever you want to call it that should never have happened in the first place is the best route to take. But, I understand your decision to do so... not many people let things roll the way I do. :-)

Relax. Take care of yourself and goodluck... Like someone else said even if it comes down to needing a donor egg... once that precious innocent little baby smiles at you for the first time you will be hooked for life ..heck the first time you feel that first wiggle of life in you stomach you will be hooked... in the scheme of things DNA is just an address it is the love that makes it a home ... if you get my drift :-)

"But I do want a child to call me mom and I don't know if that is going to happen- at least not a child that looks like me or has my dna."

I would really consider looking into adoption. From your statement, what you want is a child to call you mom. I have two bio-children that call me mom, and let me tell you, neither one of them looks much like me. I know my DNA's in there somewhere, but you sure can't see it from the outside. Both are spitting images of their fathers.

I have a cousin who after much to do trying and trying to get pregnant finally went the adoption route. I will tell you unequivocably that that child is no less their own than if he had been born of his mother's womb. You don't become a parent by carrying a child in your womb, but by carrying them in your heart.

Not everyone has the capacity to love a child not born to them as their own (some people don't even possess the capacity to love a child that is their own), but if you do, maybe God is trying to steer your path to help a child whose own mother can't or won't help him or her. Remember, Jesus wasn't blood of Joseph's blood, but he called Joseph "father" as Joseph raised him from a child to an adult.

I do not understand when people say that when children are disrecpetful, they must leave. but where are they suppose to go? I cannot imagine anyone telling their minor children to leave the house if they are not behaving certain way. are you going to throw them out? how is it possible? i can't imagine telling DD when she was minor to leave the house. how could anyone say that?

She is just jeoluse and taking it out on the only person she feel has made her so misreable and that is you. No you don't have to put up with it. Next time she starts tape and dial call the police. With what she has done you can get a restraining order on her and if she trys it again she can get in trouble. Its that simple. She just wanted to make you look stupid and little and wanted to embarrasse you thats all it was and it back fired on her. She probley didnt even realize how stupid she looked. As for her and DH if that is how she wants to be about every desitions give her what she wants any time anything comes up. Weahter it is school, Dr or instructer. Have DH have a meeting arrange and document it. She likes to interupt your life (whats good for one is good for the other) I guarentee after all the meetings she has to be at for the good of her child she will stop.

You have a divine right as NOT to take what she is doing. Its not because you are the wife or step mother. It is because you are a woman whom another woman is attacking for what ever reason. Call the police and report this. It will be one of many I am sure.

Good luck, I understand!

Calling someone a b!tch and saying "Make me" when they tell you to leave is not grounds for a restraining order. And, I think it is odd that if Sandieanne felt threatened that she wouldn't leave instead of trying to control and instruct BM to do so.

I think Serenity had an excellent post.

There are difficult people/situations in this world, you either learn to manage them (it might actual mean to listen and diaglogue with them even when you don't agree with what they are saying) or don't interact at all.

You cannot claim a right to parent her child, but then won't answer or explain when questioned and then not expect the parent of said child to get angry. Again, not defending BM's reaction -- but if you want to get somewhere in a situation than it might require you to reflect on your actions and what could be done differently. If you don't want to have any interaction with her -- then I would refrain from handling any parental duties of her child.

Some situations are more difficult than others. But how ~you~ act in them does have an impact on how others will act.

I appreciate the comments from everyone and your opinions based on limited information. As for the not communicating with BM. This woman does not have civil conversations. I can only think of two occasions where DH didn't go in circles with her until he had to hang up the phone - which is why most of the communication is handled via e-mail. The judge gave him primary custody and the ability to have the final say which says alot when everyone knew he was not the biological father. The school at one point said my ss was brainwashed by his BM and that is part of the court record. They actually expressed concern for her wellbeing because she was not acting like herself. Needless to say, she only gets him wed nights and every other weekend. DH has him the rest of the time. DH has been the parent and I support him, but my SS is at our home more than at her home. That was the court's decision, not mine. If she wants to be a part of his life when he is with us, she needs to step up and communicate with DH- she doesn't. I do not 'parent' the child in the typical sense. I do not make the ultimate decisions on the big things and in regard to talking to the instructor-well, I did try to talk to her civilly after SHE APPROACHED ME. I was sitting by my husband and minding my own business. I explained what happened to her, guess what, SHE DIDN"T WANT TO HEAR IT. Which is the only reason I pointed at my husband. She kept telling me I needed to discuss it with her....no I don't. I only need to discuss it with my husband. DH needs to discuss it with her. If she would have acted civilly, I would have tried to talk more with her...she wasn't there to do that. She was there to put me in my place and she was there for a fight. Have you ever seen someone in that fight or flight syndrome. I have- she had the look for fight and the stance. All I did was answer her questions in a calm voice even though I was blindsided by her daggers. I never called her a name, never raised my voice, never left my seat. When she was getting out of hand, I deferred to the person who had to deal with her for 10 years. Seemed like a pretty good idea to let someone who knows her, deal with her. Even her mother will tell you she was looking for a fight- not to have a civil conversation. Maybe one day we can talk civilly, but she never did with the step mother for her two older daughters. The daughters that refuse to talk to her except when forced to in counseling. Then she yells at them in the counseling sessions.

My husband is the one ordered to deal with her, not me. So at this point, I refuse unless she is acting civilly. And I don't see that happening any time soon. And if you think we can talk in e-mails - think again. I've see the e-mails she sends to people. They are equally uncivil and mean. I do not take that at home, I will not take that from her. As for warning her about the police and order of protection- she cornered her own mother in the courthouse-with her son there- grabbed her by the arm and I had to call a bailiff to get her away. It took three of them to escort her back to the courtroom and she was still yelling back at her mother. She has told my ss she is going to commit suicide and told him she already tried once. Her husband refers to her as a suicidal b____. When someone has already show aggressive tendencies and when someone is suicidal- nobody can predict what they will do. She has also called my work before trying to get me in trouble and I warned them about this weekend also because she is just crazy enough to call and try something. I asked them to let me know so I can document the behavior if it happen- AGAIN!

For those who think I'm wanting to be the parent of my SS- I try very hard not to overstep that boundary. My DH and I are constantly reminding him to call his mom or when he thinks we'll be upset about his talking about her, we assure him we won't and let him talk without reproach. We all know who the mom is except mom. And if she really had an issue with this outside of wanting to start fights with me- she should take her own son to the dentist instead of scheduling the appointment on DH's time knowing DH can't take him, she won't take him and I'm the one who will take him. She was pushing her parenting off to me...I can't really say-no, I'm not taking him to the dentist because my ss's tooth is hurting. He had a cavity because both biological parents were doing some poor parenting by not taking a cavity prone kid to the dentist in over two years. She didn't want to pay, and still hasn't paid her half, but I stepped up and took him and paid. Nobody on this forum has been in my shoes and can know about what is happening and I don't like this feeling of having defend ever small little thing when all I really wanted was a vent. I did nothing wrong. I don't want to communicate with an uncivil, emotionally unstable person. A person who has shown aggressive and self destructive tendencies. Maybe if she gets some therapy and shows some improvement in her interpersonal skills. Who knows, but now-no way will I take the risk of her verbal or potential physical abuse. By the way, where I live, her using profanity in that setting, is a crime and is punishable in the municipal courts.

Now, I'm going to have to stop writing on this forum. This means of communication doesn't really work for me. I have found a support group locally and think the face to face- real conversations will be more beneficial. This picking a line and seeing how it can be disected and destroyed really seems to be causing more stress than anything. And the last thing I need right now is more stress. It's upsetting as this forum should do more good than harm, but there are obviously people with personal agendas. I don't mind some someone saying- maybe this is what is going on, but comments comparing me to a babysitter are just insane and cause my blood to boil. A babysitter doesn't have to handle the child when he comes home every other weekend angry and not himself. Nor do they have to handle the child who cries because their mother did or didn't do something, or the step father pointed a bb gun at him while the mother watched. A child so scared to go to his mom's house, he cries himself to sleep with both me and my DH stroking his back as his cries are so heavy he is losing his breath. I think I do more than babysit.

Thank you for those who provide advise without the personal agenda- the ones who truly are trying to help- whether I agreed with your take on things or not. I really do appreciate your input. There are always new ways of looking at things and that can be a positive experience. I may peek in from time to time, but I think I'm out for now.

For those who are interested- I spoke with the doctor today. He is willing to try the IVF procedure with my eggs with whatever limited supply I have. The chances are low, but there is a chance for a child with my genetic make up. Even if it doesn't work, at least we can say we tried and didn't just give up. If it doesn't work, we will likely try either donor eggs or adoption. We are beginning to look into adoption in preparation. Thank you for all your kind works regarding my dilema and I wish you all well.

Hi Sandieanne.

I am sorry to hear your story, as it sounds difficult and sad. I am new to this site and submitted my first post (fiance's adult d moves home) last week. After having done so, I have been reading so many of the different threads and the entire step family situation is just tough on everyone and it almost seems thankless most of the time. I guess we all need to do the best we can as human beings, treat ourselves with respect, and somehow we need to learn roll with it rather than to fight it. I think that's the way you were handling yourself in your story with BM.

My main reason for responding to you is the infertility issue you are experiencing. Your profile says that you live in the US, but I don't know if you live in a large city or a smaller area, but I want to recommend acupuncture as an alternative or even an adjunct to your treatments.

I work in an acupuncture clinic and we have a couple of practitioners specializing in infertility. There have been many woman in our clinic who tried acupuncture as a last resort and become pregnant. The procedure is actually non-invasive and cannot even compare to hormone shots. The needles that are used are very, very fine and about the with of a hair. I've quite literally been needled about 5,000 times and I have maybe experienced slight pain two or three times (no worse than hitting my funnybone). Additionally, herbs may be prescribed. The herbs our clinic uses are powdered and look like cinnamon (some places used dried flowers and leaves which must be simmered - I prefer the powdered herbs because they are easy). In fact, cinnamon is an ingredient in some formulas. Most don't taste too bad either.

I'm sure it must be really sad dealing with the BM, as she clearly was blessed with something that she doesn't even appreciate and that you so badly want. Try to let that go because you don't need the stress of those feelings interfering with trying to become pregnant. I hope that you will be able to try acupuncture and achieve success.

Regards,
Gerina

Aww, Sandianne I am sorry to see you run off the board here. But I do understand you wanting to avoid more negativity in your life, you have enough drama going on.

I do hope you keep in touch and update us on your life and fertility stuff. I try to be supportive because you are right no one has walked in your shoes, though I can relate to a lot of what your going through. I know you care about your SS and want whats best for him and your family.

Glad you foud a good support group, hang in there. All we can do is what we feel is our best. Anyone can nitpick apart anyones post here, but that's not support.

Do what you have to do to protect yourself from this woman.

Big hugs and best to you & yours.

I didn't read all the follow-ups, but Sandi, if you happen to see my post here, my FDH is also not the biological parent of his son (came into the picture when his son was a month or two old)...
And I know the headache of when BM has some funny ideas about what SM (or FSM in my case) should and shouldn't be doing because we're not the biological parent... But are perfectly OK with Dad, who is not biological dad, doing all the things expected of a biological parent. I know that our guys have been in the kids lives since they were babies while we are "new", and that it's different because the dads are men and therefore not "competition", but it can be frustrating because it's such incongruent behavior.

About fighting, A__ (FDH's 9 yo son) has been in a few fights lately. He has ADHD and a lot of trouble with anger management (this isn't an excuse, it's just for context). He would LOVE to be in martial arts, but right now we don't think he's mature enough to distinguish self-defense techniques in martial arts class from attacking other kids on the playground. We'll reassess in a year or two. Anyhow, I think it's great to use sports to reinforce good behavior and sportsmanship. We have used sports analogies to help A__ understand why fighting is wrong, and his new soccer coach has high expectations about sportsmanship. I think the TKD instructor was a good choice in this situation (I have no opinion of who should have asked the TKD instructor to talk with him or how it should have been done).