Sometimes my DH has a tendency to be too practical. If that's the case I've found that trying to persuade him that we NEED something isn't effective at all. He understands better if I just say honey, I know it's not practical but it would just make me happy if we can replace so-and-so. We can afford it, I want it, that's it. He relates better to that. Recently I wanted an absurdly expensive espresso machine. I said I know it's crazy, I know we have a coffee pot, but it's like a hobby thing with me, I want to learn to make espresso in the fancy machine. He said he could understand that a lot better than if I'd told him we need a new coffee maker. So I'm saying just try honesty if you haven't already. Tell him you'd rather be surrounded with things you've had a part in choosing and that please your taste. You want to be proud of a home that you've decorated and furnished yourself. Maybe that will help him understand, whether he's being practical or is emotionally attached. Good luck with it, I can understand your frustration.

I think I;d just tell him "Listen, this does not feel like OUR home, this feels like yours and the former Mrs. (insert your last name here) home and while she had lovely taste, I;d feel so much more comfortable if we could make it feel like something we choose together" Suggest selling the items room by room one at a time on Craig's List and replacing the items with furniture you shop for together.

phoggie, do you have any pics of the furniture? LOL "took a chain and beat the heck out of the buffet and serving table".

My mother used to work at an Ethan Allen gallery in the early 70s. When someone would challenge her about the quality of 'distressed' furniture, she would sniff and say "You have to pay EXTRA for that look".

I love heavily distressed pieces but I can see where some wouldn't (DH for example, but he's learned to keep his mouth shut).

None of us here could really know if he's holding on to memories or being practical. Only you can get to the bottom of that. I would guess though that he's probably being practical. Ok, cheap. ;-)

But it's your home now too and I don't see how you can be expected to live with his first wife's decorating choices. I would be be tired of my own choices from 30 years ago.

Is it possible to just move altogether and start fresh with a new house and furnishings that belong to you both? If not, I would certainly start redecorating to make it feel like my own house. Compared to the first option that's probably a lot more *practical*.

Awww, I want you to have your own things! You are being waaaay nicer and more understanding than I would be.

parma.....I have copied down the instructions of how to post a pic....(sorry, but I am just about completely computer illiterate)...but when my DD comes, I hope she can help me figure it out.

Well, I wouldn't be surprised if that style of furniture that your mother had at the gallery wasn't this "beat up stuff"....and I wouldn't be surprised at all if they paid extra to have it done. It is built SO good...much better than now. Even the backs of them are all finished...and the drawers are so nice and heavy.

The table is 48" x 86" with a two feet leaf, so it makes a big one...can put 10-12 around it easily....and since I put on the new legs, I could accept it....the top is an in-laid pattern. The buffet is 6' long, three top drawers, three doors with pull-out drawers inside. The server top opens out and is slate on the inside...two doors with a silverware drawer and shelves.......so lots of good storage. Do you think that there is any way I can change the stain?....but it would be terribly hard to sand down to the raw wood.......and of course take off some of the ornate decoration and put on new pulls.....but oh my, I don't know if it is worth it. But every time I walk through the DR, I look at those high-back cain chairs and HATE them!!!

I might get my SIL to try to put it all on Ebay....unfortunately, I don't know how to do that either~~
But it would have to be pick up only...sure wouldn't want to ship it.

I would just explain that you want to feel like it is your house and right now you feel like a visitor. When I married my DH he had to split most furniture as he had two kids from his first wife that had died. Within 6 months all that stuff was gone and I didn't care if it was "good" furniture or not because it wasn't to my taste and didn't need to live with her choices. We sold the house three years later.

The only thing I can do on a computer is shop, search and post. I was almost in tears learning how to use photo-bucket, lol. Believe me, if I can do it, so can you.

You could see how much it would cost to have the buffet refinished or restained. When you say the table has an inlay, do you mean it's parquet or another pattern? It depends if it's veneer. Cane backed chairs, hmmm, I'd have to see a picture. Most look pretty dated but there are a few styles that still look quite nice(mostly French).

If you decide to get rid of some, I'd start on Craiglist before Ebay. It's free! :)

Are there any children or grandchildren who would like to have the furniture? Your husband might feel better about keeping it in the family.
If you do decide to sell it, ebay is not the place. You should put it on Craigslist, where you'll get more local responses.

Since you've been living with this furniture for 8 years, I think it will be harder to use the doesn't feel like our home argument. I'd say he's just very practical. I know my husband sees no reason to EVER buy any new furniture if the old stuff is still standing and doesn't have holes in it.

I agree with the other posters to just be honest with him and say that while you appreciate how well made and functional the furniture is, you would really like to get something new. Offer the existing furniture to any children, nieces, nephews - anyone in the family that might want it, and if no takers, I'd sell in on craigslist.

However, before you sell anything I'd do some shopping. I am amazed at how expensive dining room furniture is for a room that is used so infrequently (at least in my house!) The chairs are the worst in my opinion. The DR table/buffet etc. is at least a substantial piece of furniture, but the chairs can run $200 minimally, to $400 a piece. So, you may decide to redo the legs or some other compromise solution to modify what you have to make if liveable.

Do you have other rooms of furniture that you dislike as well? I'd start with the FR or MBR - rooms that you use every day and once he gets used to the idea of replacing out the furniture, it won't be such a big deal. I've learned with my husband I have to pace my projects. If I do too much or want to buy too much too close together he gets nervous. Not so much about the $$ but more for the change and why is this necessary!!

Hi Carol~~
You are right about the chairs...and I want at least 8 of them. But since it is not used but a couple times a year, I think I can get some parsons chairs pretty reasonable.

The one thing that I have going......we intend to sell this house and build another one--downsize-- (IF this market ever turns around and things start to sell again here)...and I have told him that those chairs ARE NOT going to make the move!!! I have thought that in our new home, I "might" use the buffet as a console behind the sofa (it won't show and I can put lamps on it)...can store lots of stuff in it.

We did get a new sofa and love seat when we moved to this house...and will probably use them....also his "Archie Bunker" recliner WILL NOT go either!!...the only place for that is in the dump~~~...but oh, it "fits" him!!! The tables in the LR would be okay IF they didn't have all that all that "antique brass" trimming on the corners and glass tops....but the huge coffee table, I don't think will work in the next house...I'd rather have a big leather ottoman to use.

He "loved" his two sofas...and they were so comfy...down-filled....so I upholstered them in a blue denim and put them down in the family room in the basement....satisfied him....he loves to go down and lounge on them!! When you take off the back pillows, they are the size of twin beds and whenever any of family come, they always want to sleep on them~~~

Our bedroom set is another story.....don't like it either...but it is a huge Calif. King bed and but we did just get a new mattress...it also has that darned "distressed, in-laid" wood....sure must have been popular back in the 70's...I must have not liked it then either, so don't remember it.

I have offered his kids anything they would like....they all said they have too much of their own already.

Oh well, in the whole scheme of things, life is so much more important than furniture....I should be thankful for the DH he is and have someone to grow old with....should say "older"....I am 66 and he is 77....and I'd hate to be alone again....we married after I was widowed 25 years.

Phoggie, though I understand your distress, I have to agree with your last comment about having someone to grow old/older with. I think since he seems a practical guy you might ask him if you could refinish one of the smaller pieces you don't care for.

THere's what you can do.....first take off all the ornate decorations, fill in the dings with wood putty, lightly sand and use either MinWax Polyshades or Gelstain in a dark shade. Both these work only if you are going darker. If you want lighter, the only thing you could do is to paint instead of stain, still doing the other steps first.

I'm 53, nope wait... 52, and I just started making furniture. I've refinished furniture for decades, but actually making or repurposing it is new to me. I love power tools.
You might be surprised, once you get started your hubby may find it a wonderful hobby for the two of you to do together.
God luck !

About your cane back chairs -- I had some dining room chairs that I inherited from my parents. My husband loved them, but the cane was all beat up. I got them reupholstered, replacing the cane with upholstery, and replacing the old seat filling with new foam. The upholsterer also touched up all the dings. The chairs look great and feel great. Everyone is happy.

Do it a little at a time?

My husband doesn't see the need to change either, because there really is no "NEED." There are many people who will go hungry tonight, so compared to them, do I actually need to change the style of my house? No. There is WANT, however. So, I do it a little at a time, stick to a budget (which is small), and frankly, DH does not care (he doesn't even notice) as long as it is functional.

Perhaps you two can set up a budget for this and go from there?

justgotabme~~~ I am real interested in refinishing these things and taking off the ornate trimming....but if I fill the little holes, will the stain take the filler the same color as the rest of the item or will it be lighter? Actually, there aren't any "dings"...just darker places where it looks like it has been "beaten".
I have never used the gel stain...do you put it on and then put poly over it?
THANKS

You are lucky there are not dings since they could show up when refinishing. Though not so much if you used tinted wood putty that matched the color of the wood.
Yes, you'd poly after using a gel stain. In my opinion it's comes out much better with gel stain and then poly rather than the poly shades that has the color and poly in one.

If you want to go a bit lighter you could use a furniture refinisher. It's messier and more time consuming, but worth it if lighter is your desire. I use the refinisher from Home Depot that's displayed with their paint cleaners and other solvents. It's less expensive than the big name brands and not near as smelly. It's not as harsh as a stripper on the wood either. No scrapping, just rubbing with steel wool. You need a good quality glove meant for refinishing though. Household gloves will be distroyed.
If you have any questions I'd be happy to help. I'd post my email for you to copy, but since we can't delete I'd hate to leave it here.

Since you've been living with this furniture for 8 years, I think it will be harder to use the doesn't feel like our home argument.

See, I disagree - actually I think it would be better ammunition... "Darling, I've lived with this furniture for 8 years. I have tried very hard in that time to appreciate them as durable, high-quality pieces that are in marvelous condition, but when I see them, I see them as XW's choices and representing your and XW's life together, not our lives together, and I admit that that does get to me. It would make me so happy to make our home really reflective of US as a family."

If he's really, really stubborn, there are dining chair slipcovers you could hide the offensive chairs under. :-)

Oh I'm glad Johnmari mentioned slipcovers. I kept meaning to do so and forgot.

jsutgotabme~~Thanks for the reply about refinishing. I could get some dark filler (perhaps about a walnut) and take one of the doors and see what happens. I think I will try to use the gel stain.....I have not had good luck with the poly/stain. I did get him to agree to maybe take it to an auction house IF we sell this house......so I'll keep hoping....but with this market here, (the realtor said they have only sold ONE house in our price range in the last 2+ years!)....so I can't get my hopes up too high...although we do have our new lot purchased (on a little lake...beautiful) and DH pretty well has the house plans completed......so keeping my fingers crossed that some high paid military officer will be coming here who can afford to buy it.
You (and all the others) have been so kind concerning my "problem"...and I appreciate it.

Here's what you do.

Refinish the table... but do a really BAD job. I mean, BAD.

When he sees what you've done, burst into tears and say, "Oh, but I tried so HARD." And weep unconsolably until he agrees to get a new table.

OR... you can gradually loosen the legs on this "well-made" table. Start making comments about how it's seen better days. Shame that it's so wobbly.

Time for a new one.

And take him recliner-shopping for his next birthday. He'll be amazed at how comfortable the new ones are!

Phoggie, does your hubby have any adult children that might like to "inherit" their mother's furniture? Since it was all her taste maybe they should get first pick and you can put what they don't choose on craigslist.

BTW, I like both eBay and craigslist, but find craisglist much more practacle for things that would be hard to ship.

I agree with the first responder who said to be honest with your husband. Of course it is well built and why throw away money (in his opinion). Well, you can counter that you'll be recouping some of the money on craigslist and you prefer new furniture every ten years or so. And if he does have children that would appreciate the furniture I think that would win that battle right there!

I have asked his children......they said they don't want it...have a houseful of their own already.

I know nothing about craigslist....are they like Ebay? Do you have to join and what is the commission rate? I have checked for a couple things on craigslist, and there is never anything remotely near to where we live.....rural Kansas.

I am still thinking maybe we can take it to the auction house. I asked him tonight if he was "attached" to his Hummels (because that just isn't my thing...even told him I was going to part with my Zolan plate collection)...and he said the only things he was really attached to was a water color painting done by a famous artist and two bronze statues of bears that he bought when he lived in Montana.

So maybe he is not as "attached" as he seemed to be....I'll keep "working" on him. I had a garage sale last spring and did make enough to buy the new dining room chairs, but everytime I mention looking for new ones, he doesn't want to go and I do not want to spend that kind of money for 8-10 chairs without him seeing them....because if they are not comfortable enough for him, he wouldn't be happy with them and then I don't think I would be able to enjoy them either.

The great thing about Craigslist is that it is FREE! You don't need to have an account (also free), but it does make it easier if you want to repost your ad, which I recommend that you do at least once a week to keep it "on top". Make sure that you take good pictures of your furniture and use a good description in your title. Also it is very helpful to give dimensions in your posting.

Since you stated on the 'Building a Home' forum that you are drawing up plans for your retirement home... you can use that opportunity to put new things into the new house.

You know, "This dining room set just won't work in the new space", "Oh, the master bedroom would be just perfect for that sleigh bed I had my eye on", etc...

Decorating is an emotional thing. It is difficult to tell a man something is old if it still works. Age and function are unrelated.

People are more likely to agree with you if you tell them why it is good for THEM, not why it is good for you. Reframe the argument. The message should be this:

I want to make you a nice house. It is something I can do for you, a gift of myself to honor the hard work and sacrifices that you have made. A nice house is a visible reflection of my love for you. Let me do this for you.

It works for me. I can have anything as long as the argument is framed in terms of other people's self-interest. They are then invested in the problem and usually even try to help "solve" the problem within the framework presented.

LOL, and always let them take credit, it strokes egos.

I can sympathize with your husband's reluctance to furniture shop! I don't like it much, myself. When I do furniture shop I'll pick out a few possibilities and bring hubby later to see my edited choices. He pretty much leaves the decisions to me, but like you I also want him to be comfortable! Looks like he is coming along!

Have you pulled up craigslist yet, just to familiarize yourself with the concept? It is basically want ads on the internet with pictures in most cases. Originally it will default to San Francisco so check out all the states & cities you'll see listed and click on what is nearest to you for starters. It can be addicting!

Just click on the closest city in the link below.

Good luck with whatever you decide with your furnishings!

-Lena

Here is a link that might be useful: Craigslist in Kansas

I can understand your desire to change--I'm ready to change my own things after 10-15 years. Can't imagine not being able to change someone elses things after 30.

But I'm also aware that you posted some very deep concerns on the household finances forum this finance mess makes me sick regarding embezzlement & loss of funds, and also on the retirement forum i am so torn about what to do again over decreasing investments.
It appears there are lots of things going on in your life and if financial concerns are one, then perhaps you'd best make changes in increments. Set your priorities. Make a list of the items you really need to change and those you really want to change with costs attached and then determine how or if you can make those changes. Try to set a timeline so that he realizes it's importance to you & you respect his concerns. Change doesn't come easy, especially when he's 77 and it means letting go of important parts of his past. Plus the items you mention also require work effort & he might be running out of steam & motivation if he has the other areas of concern.

You poor thing! Your story reminds me of my mom. She was widowed, and after selling the house, moved to an apartment and only took the basics. She met her current DH, who was divorced and living in his apartment. His ex got everything, but he got his late mother's furniture. And OMG FUGLY stuff at that. But it was his dear late mothers and 'good' things. Yeah, good 30 years ago. Flat out heinous and uncomfortable today.

Mom has tried to get some new stuff. They've moved a few times, and now have a small house, so they got rid of the bulk of the terribly ugly things, but he will not get rid of his recliner. She's taken him shopping for a new one, but he refuses to give up the old one.

It's been the sentimental/quality/finance issue with him. So they live with this terribly unattractive furniture. I sooo want to nominate them for a home makeover show!

Sounds like you have a good plan on taking a door with you to choose colored wood putty. Make sure that you do this after you've refinished or sanded it since the color will be lighter and you want the putty to match that color.
Good Luck!

hilltop and pesky~~~ THANKS for your thoughtful words...things just seem to be going from bad to worse...

With his son's stealing from his dad's funds at work, they are now at a point of no return...and of course the son and wife have spent it all. DH was here home this morning and wants me to lend him money to meet business expenses until he gets some money from a trust in 18 months. Shouldn't go into this on the forum, but although I love him dearly, I am reluctant to do so.....but as far as I am concerned, that son can do jail time....but that still wouldn't help DH's finances.
What a mess!!!...but your thoughts and concerns are certainly appreciated. Right now, "furniture" doesn't seem nearly as important.......and who ever said those "golden years" were going to be great, sure didn't apply them to our lives right now.