Refuse !!!! i mean it! This is not cruel! Tell her to arrange for her ex to have them or a baby sitter. The whole weekend is too much for you guys. One night sleep over ONCE IN A WHILE if fine but not everyweekend she has them for you guys to pick them up So she can go party!
My DH's ex did this to her parents! EOW when it was her turn to have them, she dumped them on her parents...i felt sorry for them. Both had fulltime jobs and both were exhausted and took them from friday nights till sundays and they finally cracked after 2 years ...they're daughter got all hissy! and ignored them for an entire year. Needless to say my dh's ex is spiteful , selfish and just plain evil at times. She cares for no one but herself and her needs. The first year i dated my dh the kids were sent over with torn clothes. I told him its unacceptable. So we threw out everyting that was torn to force her to change. They still get handmedowns but at least not torn.
Do not take them for an entire weekend. Maybe one night or an afternoon....but dont let her get her claws into your door. Trust me on this!!!! Its not cruel. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! and dont let her threaten you with not seeing the kids. you can arrange visit with her ex husband. I'm sure he'll be glad to swing by for dinner with the kids:)without his B***** of an exwife.

Just as I am ready to leave work to go home, I thought I would check this web site just to see if there was a reply to my post.

I was a little bit scared to read it. I thought somebody is surely going to tell me to grow up but no. Your message organic maria is truly appreciated.

Thank you for your advice. At first I thought, ya why not, we'll have her kids on the friday and have them for the whole weekend. Then, the more I thought about it, the more, I was thinking : am I stupid or what. Deep down in my heart, i know the grand children would love to spend time with their poppa and I, but then i'm thinking there is no way I can do this anymore, i.e. take care of kids all weekend.

Thats what I did when i had DH's children for years and yeares every second weekend. I took care of the kids and I know it will be the same thing with the grand children. So, now, I've decided. If DH decides he wants the grand children on the Friday night ( he would do that just because he wouldn't want to deceive his daughter of course), I will tell him I am leaving for the cottage and I will pick them up the next day. That's it! That's all!

In the past, when she had her first child, I remember her leaving the child at our place like on a saturday morning and it would be Sunday night late before she would come and picked up the child.

This week she told me she was staying up till 1 or 2 in the night watching movies. She's suppose to be up with her 9 yrs old child every morning to walk the child to school. I can just imagine her talking to that child in the morning! Oh boy. She loses her temper at anything with that child. Can you imagine how much patience she must have in the morning when she goes to bed late.

When she comes to our cottage with her two kids, there are nights when she is up till God know what time. During those times, I often wondered how come she didn't question who was going to get up with the kids next morning. The reason she didn't question it and still doesn't is because she knows her father, my DH, will get up and take care of her kids!

When she was at my house a little while ago, the food was all out and we were getting our own servings, I noticed she wasn'T getting anything ready for the children. I had to ask her to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Her and her 9 year old daughter are already having problems communicating. Can you imagine with the child will be 15 yrs old.

I can just see that child crying at my doorstep begging us not to let her return to her mother!!!!

I know you are going to be suprised that this is coming from me, but I say good for you! There is no reason to be just as nice to SD #1 as you are to SD #2 if SD #2 is nicer to you.

Also, it's obvious that she just doesn't want to have her kids that weekend so she can go out and meet new men.

Way to go treating her the way she treats you. It isn't as if you were mean or anything, you just didn't acknowledge her as much as you did the nice SD.

raek,
I am not only surprised but shock at your comments. They make me feel good however.

Honestly, I did not act this way towards my oldest SD because I wanted to be vengefull. Honestly. I acted the way I did because I have truly, truly made the decision do
disengage » from her! My relationship with DH is more important.

raek, i always find it interesting to read your posts because they come from a point of view of a stepdaughter.

Keep posting.

I have to tell you, my point of view is that of a SD, but a SD who has had a pretty rough time with the SM I was "blessed" with. She has never really been kind to me, so it bothers me when I see SM's like you, who have tried and tried and tried to be nice and to be the bigger person and your SD continues to treat you badly. I can understand how frustrating that is! And, like I said, it's not as if you are being mean to her, you are just keeping her at a distance. If that makes you feel better about the situation, I say go for it!

raek,

I know you have mentionned a couple of times that the relationship between you and your SM isn't exactly the best.

Why do you think?

If your father had a different woman in his life, do you think the relationship with that woman would be better.

I keep saying DH could have found any other woman besides me in his life...his oldest daughter still wouldn't have liked her. She was spoiled when I met her when she was 9 years old and today she is about to be 27. Believe me she has never grown up or matured into a woman who got married and now has two young children. Whose fault is it? Her parents to a certain measure but the more I see her, the more she is around me, the more I hear about her, the more I am convinced the girl acts, thinks, talks, etc. etc. like a 16 years old. She just quit her job, her husband, took the oldest child out of school and moved back in this city with her mother, brother and sister where we all are!

I couldn't believe she couldn't wait for the end of the school year to take her child out of school. Oh no cuz that would have required her to think a little less about herself and her feelings and a little bit more about her child's feelings who this week also learned one of her favourite, favourite cat died. He fell off the 5th floor balcony. Poor kid, not only did she lose her school friends in the last couple of weeks, she lost her bedroom, her home where she has been living for 5 years, her daddy, her routine, etc. etc. Breaks my heart! I guess i must be the only one however who feels like this child is going to have a nervous breakdown pretty soon.

But then again. I am the only of all the people this SD has talked to about her decison to break up her mariage who comes from a divorced family. Thats the difference between me and the people she talked to i.e. her mother and father. They've never had to feel what it is to lose your father when you are young so how could they really explain to her what the consequences of her decision to separate would have on her children. Selfish, selfish, selfish people!!!
DH included and he knows how I feel about him in regards to his reactions to his oldest daughther's decision to separate from her DH. I told him '' The wheel turns, and turns and turns! He's separated. His daughter is now separating. What are the chances of her children having a happy relationship later on in life????

DH and I will have the chance to discuss this in a couple of years I am sure. In fact, I am sure we won't have to discuss this in regards to his oldest grand daughter but we will have to discuss it also in regards to his daughter who I am sure will have found some other man in the next few years but who will separate from him also when she finds out he's not going to give her everything she wants just like her daddy and mommy does!!!!!!!

fleurs,

Sorry it took me awhile to reply...This is going to be a long one.

To answer your questions...My SM was really, really hateful to me from the very beginning. She came into the picture as my dad's GF when I was 15. That is a tough age and I will happily acknowledge that I was not the most easy person to get along with at that age...BUT she was and is beyond hard to get along with. I will tell a few stories that on the surface may not look too bad, but all of the things rolled up together made for a pretty hard time for me and my brother as well, not to mention my relationship with my dad.

I was staying over the weekend with my Dad after he 1st started dating her. She was down for the weekend as well. Ironically, she and I both lived in the same small town which was about 2 hours from my dad's home. I asked if I could go bowling with one of my friends. My dad told me I could not. I pressed the issue because I thought I should be able to go, esspecially if my friend was able to go, as her parents were much, much more restrictive than my own. He told me no again and I continued to press the issue, at which time she jumped into the mix and started screaming at me about how I need to treat my dad better and accept no for an answer...Now my reaction to this may have been way different if I had actually even known this woman and if she had been a part of my life for any length of time, but I didn't even know her and she was simply my dad's new GF and she's coming in here telling me how to act. So the arguement got VERY heated and she grabbed me by the face and yelled at me, and as she pulled her hands away, she pulled my hair. I was so upset by this whole episode along with the fact that my dad did nothing to step in and stop it from happening, that it has really set a the tone for a tough relationship. Since then, she has refused to acknowledge the fact that she actually did pull my hair, or that she really had no right to put her hands on me in the first place. I was totally shocked as my own mother would have never even thought of engaging me in that way. I guess that was the beginning of the whole thing, but it has progressed due to the fact that every time I have been there to visit (I live on the other side of the country now), she has not done much to give me any alone time with my dad and she has an uncontrolable need to control everything. She dictates when and where we eat, when and where we hang out, every minute of my time with my dad is laden with uncomfortable moments in which I will want to do something (on my vacation) and she will want to do something else. Then my dad has to play mediator, and I always end up doing what she wants to do unless I want to look like a stubborn jerk by not agreeing to what she wants. When we are nice to one another, it is simply a bunch of acting and nicey-nicey, and it's just so uncomfortable and fake, two things that I have a very hard time with. We have had a blow-up at least every-other time that I have stayed at his house.

I finished High School in December (after the 1st) semester of my Senior year. By that time, my dad had moved up to the town I lived in in order to live with her. They had married by then and he had moved into the house she had from her previous marriage. He was living with her and her son. In March of the following year, I moved to Georgia (he is in Colorado). I went back to Colorado in order to walk with my classmates for graduation. I planned to stay with my dad & SM during my time there, I guess they had other plans though. I stayed with them for the 2 or 3 days leading up to graduation, but they planned on taking a trip to Mesa-Verde (which was about a 3 hour drive away) immediately after graduation. My mom was in town also for my graduation, so I stayed with her at the hotel that night, but she flew back to GA the next day and I was left without a place to stay. I ended up staying with a friend, but it really hurt my feelings that my dad planned a trip when he knew I was going to be in town and she would not allow me to stay in "her house" if they weren't there. I was always a pretty responsible kid and I would never have done anything other than sleep there if I had stayed.

On top of these things, they have taken numerous family vacations and my brother and I were never included. She has never tried to reach out to me as I can see many of you on this forum have with your own stepchildren. I just feel as if she would feel much better if my brother and I did not exist. She isn't really able to get along with anybody in my dad's life. His aunt and uncle raised him and he used to spend a bunch of time with them, but he hardly ever sees them now. He is also close with his youngest brother, as am I, and I know that he doesn't care for her either. She doesn't even get along with her own sister and had a somewhat rocky relationship with her parents as well. Trust me, it's not just me.

So...just as you and many here are frustrated that your husbands do not stick up for you, I'm equally frustrated that my dad will not stick up for me.

After TONS of phone calls and letters and prodding, I finnaly convinced my dad to come out to visit my brother and myself in February without his wife. It was so nice and just a much more relaxed time with my dad. It was something that I really needed, not only to show me that she was willing (grudgingly) to let go of some of the control for a change, but also to spend some time with my dad in a more relaxed atmosphere. I have sent flowers and thanked her for letting him come and things have been fairly pleasant over the phone since then. I still am hesitant to stay at his house and wonder how much of this change and effort is for real...as I'm sure she wonders the same thing when it comes to me.

So, long story even longer...Yes, I think if my dad were married to somebody else, somebody like you, or cawfe or Dana, our relationship would be heads and shoulders above what it is with us now.

My mom has been with the same man for about 2 years now, and although we have our differences of opinion, I really like him and care about him and I feel that he feels the same way about me. If I could change something about him, I'd give him a more positive attitude as I feel his negativity brings my mom down sometimes. But he is a truly kind man and he and I love to joke around and pick on one another. It's sort-of a game with us. I think he wishes he had the same sort of friendship with his own children just as I wish I had that with my dad.

raek,
Thank you so much for your post. I'm really sorry things have been so ruff between your father and his wife.

My first reaction to your post is that this woman should have never touched you and she should have minded her damn business. The issue was between you and your father and like many women I know who are involved with men who have children, they think they are allowed to disciplined and talked to these children like they were their own.

My bestfriend has a stepdaughter and from a vey young age this SD called my best friend mommy. Her and I totally disagreed on this subject.

My youngest SD at one point asked to call me mommy. I immediatly told her no, i'm sorry, but you have a mommy, but.....i said......you are my child in my heart. So, if i can be your mommy in your heart, that will be nice and fine. She must have been about four when we had this conversation. . Since, then I have received numerous cards that say ...to my mommy in my heart! I think that is so nice. She is 19 yrs old today.

I know however that its not always like that between stepchildren and stepparents. It certainly isn't between my oldest SD and I.

Your SM has difficulties accepting the fact that your father had a life before she met him. Most important he had two children and since she appears to be a very controlling woman, she must not like the fact that if there is one situation in her life she can'T control, is you and your brother. And I am sure she suffers because of it!

Because you know how she is, i think it was a great idea for you to have your father visit you alone. I don't understand however why you sent your SM flowers to thank her for '' letting your father go visit you alone''. Wasn't it a little sarcastic to do that? What was really your goal by doing that. Be honest. I just don't see the point why you would have done that. I would have been upset. Had she sent you a present or something and that was your way of thanking him?

Because you know things are pretty iffy between you and your SM, (just like they are between me and my oldest SD)and because you know things won't change, if i can give you just one advice as a SM, (take it or leave it), i think you should just keep a polite distance between you and your SM (and even the man in your mom's life) and work hard on maintaining a relationship with the most important people in your world, that is your dad and your mom while being respectful towards your parents' partner/spouse. Nothing more, nothing less. Your dad wants to support his wife in a decision with which you don't agree, let it be! Disengage. Otherwise you will go nuts and you will be unhappy just like I was for such a long time in my relationship with DH just I couldn't accept his oldest daughter attitude towards me. When I get all upset at her because once again she got her what she wanted from her father even though it would disturb my relationship with him, i really, really make an effort to say to myself : let it go.

I thought i read once that you were also a stepmom. Did i read right.

Keep posting!

I didn't word the card "thanks for letting my dad come visit". I said something like...Thanks for giving us that time together, it really meant alot to me.

My goal was to smooth things over and to try to make a new start. I don't like her, but I love my dad and if I can do something for him in order to smooth things over, then I will. I know that she was very upset with him and with me both because she wasn't welcome during that visit. What I have a hard time with is why would she even want to come out and visit? It's obvious that she doesn't like me or my brother. I wouldn't want to travel across the country to see people I didn't like. If it were me and my BF had family members that he wanted to visit, and I didn't like them, I'd say "love you, see you when you get back, hope you have fun". And then I would have a lovely weekend doing all the things I wanted to do.

It really wasn't sarcastic though. It was truly my way of trying to make a bad situation a little bit better. I know that she thinks I'm selfish and self-centered. I think she still sees me as I was when I was 15. She doesn't know the laid back person that most of my friends and family know. I will also admit that I get a little bit stubborn with her because I get weary of her running the show when there are certain things that I really want to do during my time there.

You say "I just don't see the point why you would have done that. I would have been upset. Had she sent you a present or something and that was your way of thanking him?" ...I'm not really sure what you are asking.

No, I'm not a stepmom, although, I did date a guy a few years ago who had a daughter. She was a good kid, but he was not a great parent. He was far to lienient and didn't make her accountable for anything. I didn't blame her, I blamed him, but it was a difficult situation and I'm glad I'm not a part of it now.

You are right about the disengaging thing, except for when it affects me or my relationship with my dad directly. I have such a small amount of time with him as it is, and he's not really much of a phone guy. I find myself discussing the weather with him on a regular basis. I'm finding that I have put all of the blame for the disconnect between my dad and I on her shoulders, and after thinking about things, and the past, I start to remember that he didn't really reach out to me a whole lot even when she wasn't in the picture, but my dislike for her and her's for me has driven an even bigger wedge between the 2 of us.

I think if adult SC and SP can be friends, why shouldn't they be? It makes for a much better time at family gatherings. I adore my family, including cousins, aunt and uncles, grandparents...I see no reason not to try to love everybody in our lives, whether we chose them, were born to them or they were forced upon us by another family member. We still have to co-exist. Why not do it in a satisfying and loving way?

raek,
I understand you sooooooooo much and I really,really know where you are coming from.

You say : "I said something like...Thanks for giving us that time together, it really meant alot to me."

I don't really want to spend to much time on this point because it has happened in the past,....but ......i still think (please don't take it personnaly) that it was a little bit mean to do that. I mean who cares if she allowed your father or not to go and visit you. That was between them. If anything, it should have been your father who thanked her for letting him do something alone not you. Disengage, disengage, disengage. It's not with her you want to make a new start. It's with your dad. You don't need to be disrespectful towards your father's wife however. Did you notice how I am using less and less the words "" your SM'' or ""my oldest SD'' ( i did in an early post this morning, but I'm doing it less and less. Even when i talk about her to whoever. I know say : my DH's oldest daughter.
Perhaps you could always refer now to your SM as your dad's wife, spouse, partner, lover, whatever but not ''My SM''. It's a little way of disengaging that I read about on this Web site. It helps.

I agree with you also on another point you made. Why would someone travel somewhere when the people they will see aren't his or her friends. DH's oldest daughter just moved back in our city but for a few years she lived five hours from us with her DH and two young kids. You would not believe the number of times DH has asked me to go with him and visit them, the number of times his oldest daughter has begged me to go and visit her, the number of times her then husband asked me to go and see their place!!!

Every single time I said NO, i found an excuse...anything, i couldn't leave the dog alone for so many days, I didn't want to put him in a kennel cuz it was too expensive and I didn't want to have to put him through a five hour car drive, etc.etc.

I swear to god this went on for about three years and all the time I kept telling Dear hubby why do you keep on insisting on this issue. I will not go visit your daughter. One day he did it again. I said ok you want to push it well here is my answer why I won't even bother a single minute to put myself throught such a trip. I said '' Remember the day your daughter got married. He said yes. I said do you remember how she celebrated everybody she loved and wanted near her on that day by offering them a beautiful corsage to wear. He said yes i remember that. Well, I said, was I amongnst these people. Did your daughter offer me a corsage considering I had been in her life for 14 years at that point? DH said no. So, i said. why in the world would I want to go in your daughter's house when on the most important day of her life she ignored me like you ignore a dog and she has never, never to this day thanked me for the money we (DH and I) gave them as a wedding day!!!!!!!

Since then DH has never bothered me or asked me again to go to her house and i don't intend to ever go to the new place she will eventually have once she leaves her mom's place.

Finally, raek you say :
"I start to remember that he didn't really reach out to me a whole lot even when she wasn't in the picture, but my dislike for her and her's for me has driven an even bigger wedge between the 2 of us."

It is so true. I too for a long time really disliked DH's oldest daughter. I blamed everything on her but now i know that DH is just as guilty. He always put her needs first to the detriment of our relationship but things are starting to change. When i see he acts likes this, i don't take it all out on his daughter anymore. I tell DH how i feel about his behaviour towards me and how it affects me or us as a couple. Example : he got a 500 dollar bonus from work. He gave it all to his daughter so she could buy a second hand car. I didn't mind that he gave her money but I didn't want him to give it all to her considering we had bills to play. But oh non. DH had to look good so he gave it all to her. Of course, she never thought i might have some right on that money or that I might deserved to be also told thank you considering her father and I have been together for 18 years and share everything.

So you know what I did. For the first time in 18 years, i got a big cheque and I put every single penny of it in my banking account. In the past, when I got some extra money, i was the first one to pay our bills or whatever bill there was around, i would buy him clothes, pay fines, whatever. First thing i knew, i had no money left!

DH is not really happy with what I did with this last cheque but ask me if i care!!!! So far out of that whole cheque I spent a big 35 $ on him for a pair of jeans!!!! Enough is enough. I spent over 600 $ on an operation for puppy, i spent a bit on me and i will use the rest to buy some patio furniture! So whenever he complains about this cheque, i remind him I didn't spend it all on me. He will enjoy the furniture and the dog is as much mine as his. So there you go! Next time he has extra money, perhaps he will think a little bit before giving it away and disregarding our/my needs.!!!

I keep telling my friends or anybody I know who meets a man who has children and it doesn't matter how old the children are, to run away as fast as they can from that relationship or at least not to get emotionnaly involved with the kids and to keep a distance from the children for a long, long time before they all become buddy-buddy.

Knowing what you know today, you must thank the Lord that you are not in that relationship with that man you met who had a child.

My alcoholic father left my mother alone with four children. She raised us alone and we lived on welfare all our lives. At one point, my mom met a very nice man. In fact they went out together for 14 years. I really, really loved him. He didn't treat me like he was my father. He was always our friend. Everybody kept asking my mom she wasn't living with this man. She also said. these are my children and i will raised them on my own. I will not force them upon another person. I think my mom was very avant-gardist just like when she decided to register all her kids in an English school when we were living a totally french environment, didn't have english speaking friends, didn't have a cousin or uncle who spoke english, (not even my mom spoke English. She always said she did that so her children could have another culture, be independent and be able to travel. I love her!

Sorry for such the long post. I don't know whats happening to me this morning but it sure feels good to be able to vent all my feelings like this.

Thanks for reading me.

Keep posting.

Well...I'm not sure what to say about that. I meant it in the nicest possible way, and I believe she took it as such. I discussed with my Dad sending her a thank you card while he was here and he said that he would apprieciate it if I did. He thought that it would go some distance toward mending fences. I thought flowers would be even better because that way there is not so much space to write on the card and say something that would be misconstrued and she would also have some lovely flowers to look at. She did call to thank me and told me how pretty they were, so I don't think she took it the wrong way.

I care that she allowed him to come visit and made quite a fuss to make it happen. He would've preferred to bring her so as not to have to rock the boat. I think it was my place to be the grateful one because I was the one who insisted on the visit.

I understand what you say about disengaging, but I think with me I'm trying to get some approval so I can have more time with my dad. You do not need your SD's approval to spend time with your hubby. You are right about the whole differnce between SM and my dad's wife. That is truly what she has always been to me, "my dad's wife" although "evil stepmother" captures her personality so well. Ha Ha.