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sharonphiladelphia

Mourned Loss of Father--not to death, but to Stepmother

sharonphiladelphia
17 years ago

Dear Lily Suzanne 40, (the first poster on the If I could tell Stepmothers one thing)

I completely agree with what everything you said. It seems some women have a strange power over some types of men.

My dad actually left my mom for a woman who lived up the street from us. I was between one and two years old and my sister was almost six. The woman up the street, who was a sometimes-friend of my mother's, was also married with two kids of her own.

What might be worse is that throughout my childhood, she was attached to his hip and neither my father or stepmother realized that my sister and I needed to spend time alone bonding with our dad. We were all just sort of forced together and made to feel as if we were supposed to get along...like the Brady Bunch.

To top it all off, before I was old enough to make a sincere decision about how to address my stepmother, I was calling her "mom," even though I lived with my real mom full-time.

In my dad's house, everyone addressed each other as if we were a biological family. Her kids called my dad "dad"--even though there dad was not missing...he lived just five miles away and saw his kids. And my sister and I called our stepmom "mom." I can't imagine how they justified this, especially considering that my dad and stepmom had an affair. It's kind of cruel.

Anyway, it took me until I was 25 years old to say I didn't want to call my stepmother "mom." Now, I'm 36 and I no longer associate with my stepfamily, but do my best to maintain a relationship with my dad.

Interestingly, my stepfamily takes full advantage of my father's monetary situation. My stepbrother bought my dad's beach home and resold it for profit. He also went in halvers on a boat with my dad, which they both just sold. My sister and I have never been privy to these financial conversations or situations. It's weird. But, I don't really care. I don't want to have anything to do with their financial business....much rather make my own money, my own friends and my own connections. The price is too high otherwise.

It seems to me that my stepmother tried to re-write history to save face and create an image. I'm not buying it!

Sadly, my dad cares less about his relationship with his own two daughters and more about forcing us to embrace the stepmother...so as to look good. It's sad, but I mourned the loss of my father years ago.

I found this discussion by looking up Stockholm Syndrome because of the recent missing/found Missouri boys. While stepfamilies are not situations of kidnapping and the terror is not at such a level that those boys experienced, I do believe kids do what they need to do to survive in certain stepfamily situations...and that can mean losing one's ability to resist and speak up. Ultimately, a lot of kids might lose themselves in situations like this.

Today I feel completely liberated. Thank God!

Comments (56)

  • theotherside
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    When parents have an affair, they are most certainly betraying their children as well their spouse. In addition, claiming that someone did not "cheat" on their children and therefore that behavior should not affect the children's relationship with them is like saying a bank robber did not rob you, and therefore there is no reason you should stop being his friend.

    In the original poster's case, from what she has said, it appears that the motivation for the affair was money and social status. It is irrelevant if she was told about the affair by her mother, by her older sibling or by someone else. Apparently the whole neighborhood knew. Hopefully she wasn't the last one to know - there is nothing worse than being kept in the dark while everyone else knows what is going on.

  • sandstone
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    in regaurds to the post by theotherside, I am not saying it does not have an effect on a child... However; with that said a child at TWO years of age or younger would not have the ability to decipher the fact that their parent was having an affair. Therefore it is obvious that someone told her... I didn't say whom told her in my previous post! But WHO in their right minds would sit a child down at that age and tell them their parent had an affair? At that age what goes on behind closed doors should not CONCERN them!!!!! And as I stated previously she is missing out on a relationship that she obviously wants with her father over an affair that happened over 30years ago!!!! And comparing bank robbing to cheating is ridiculous... Let's put it this way, had her father not cheated and her parents divorced when he found a new wife there is a good chance she would have been made to feel the same way by those close to her mother. So are all parents that seperate and find new spouses the equivalent of bank robbers in your eyes? Or just the ones who cheat? At Two years old I pray to god she was the last one to know!

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  • theotherside
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    I don't think she ever said she found out when she was two - obviously a two year old wouldn't have a clue what an affair was.

    Comparing bank robbing to adultery is hardly ridiculous - except that adultery is more emotionally devastating to your family.

  • sandstone
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Im sorry that you have obviously been deeply scarred by someone in your past... But please tell me how her continued anger and hatred helps solve anything? It only hurts her farther. I have lived through an affair in my parents marriage and I thank god everyday they were mature enough to keep me out of it. My relationship never suffered with either parent. Had my Mother or someone else felt the need to spur on anger and resentment I may have ended up the same way. I'm not saying that an affair is acceptable I'm just stating the fact that This is her FATHER if you believe children deserve unconditional love, do the parents not deserve it as well. And I'm sorry your comparison is still ridiculous to me. It doesn't mean some won't agree with you, I just personally don't. And I don't think encouradging anger and resentment is going to help her in anyway. She has to forgive and move on... NOT for her father's sake but for her own.

  • theotherside
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    No, I don't think parents deserve unconditional love. I have never heard anyone suggest that before. What about parents who are pedophiles or child abusers? Do they deserve unconditional love from their children?

  • searer
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    "No, I don't think parents deserve unconditional love. I have never heard anyone suggest that before. What about parents who are pedophiles or child abusers? Do they deserve unconditional love from their children?"

    It goes both ways: also adult sons and daughters that are abusive and delinquent or plain disrespectful of their parents do not deserve unconditional love. If your daughter was an adulteress or a bank robber, would you unconditionally love her, dear theotherside ? I don't think so.

  • Ashley
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    choppymom, I can't speak for all children of a divorced family, but I will speak for myself...I truly want both of my parents to find/have somebody to share their lives with. I want both parents to be happy. I also want to have some alone time with each of my parents. I don't see why it should be a choice between one or the other, however, my stepmother has a huge control issue and does not like the fact that my dad has family other than her. She wants to be the only one and is extreemly jealous of anybody else in his life. She has been openly hostile toward me. I do not care to be around her. I don't want to be around a woman who is resenful of the very fact that I exist. If my dad is happy with her and wants to be with her, that is fine with me, but I also expect to be able to spend time with him without having to deal with all of that hostility.

  • theotherside
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    "It goes both ways: also adult sons and daughters that are abusive and delinquent or plain disrespectful of their parents do not deserve unconditional love. If your daughter was an adulteress or a bank robber, would you unconditionally love her, dear theotherside ? I don't think so."

    Of course I would love my children no matter what - that is the definition of unconditional.

  • sandstone
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Unconditional love is a family thing... It most definately NOT just include children. A parent has the same right to unconditional love.. regaurdless of what they are! Does that mean you have to like them? NO. It is sad Otherside that you only spew anger towards parents... I am not stating that there aren't bad parents out there... trust me there are just as there are Bad children... But my focus on this post is to HELP sharonphiledelphia RESOLVE issues she is having not to fuel the hatred fire. Can you give me one reason she needs to keep HATING her father and step family? And how does continuing it help her? Hatred only brews inside until it spews everywhere in your life. My advice to her was to let that anger go before it's too late. He may pass away sometime and she will spend the rest of her life wondering what if I had done more?

  • coolmama
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Sandstone makes a good point here.

    My dad died when I was 7 from very strange circumstances. It has haunted me much of my life,and I have regretted not having him see me grow up and have him at my wedding,or meet my daughter.
    So it is hard for me to understand many step children like my own who dont appreciate the parent they have or hold petty grudges and dont talk to them.
    I think if a parent is as good a parent as they know how to be (and arent pedafiles or abusive or neglective) then they should be entitled to unconditional love,the same that they give to their children.

    Raek,I still think you should absolutely be entitled to time alone with your dad. Your step mom is part of the family and should be included,but it is ridiculous that you are never allowed one on one time with him.Regardless of the "step" scenerio, many people like to have alone time. My husband takes my daughter out every Sunday for father/daughter day without me,and I never get upset about it.Just as I equally wouldnt be upset if he went out with HIS other daughters.

  • theotherside
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    I disagree. I do not believe that there are "bad" children, and I do not believe that a parent deserves unconditional love.

    I don't think she ever said she hated her father, though such an emotion would be understandable under the circumstances. I think it is her father who may suffer some day from the loss of a real relationship with his daughter. I don't see how ignoring the elephant in the living room in order to have a relationship with her step-family would benefit anyone.

  • sandstone
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    I guess we'll just agree to disagree. She may not have stated she hated her father but you can feel the anger seething out of her original post. And as for unconditional love I'll give you my girl's lives as an example.... Their mother was and is a horrible drug addict, she abused them horribly and did unspeakable things to them. Now in order to help them heal we told them, It is okay to be angry with her, it is okay to NEVER want to see her again, it is okay to feel betrayed. But it is not okay to hate her and why is that? Because anger and hatred stored only hurts you! I tell them they must love her, she birthed them.. and at their ages they are intelligent enough to understand what I mean. It means yes you must love her for giving you life, but you don't have to like or condone her actions. People make mistakes sometimes bad ones... but they are people I am not saying she has to welcome her step family with open arms. Heck she doesn't have to EVER see her father again if she chooses not to... However harboring the anger she is will hurt her more than it will ever hurt her father or step-family. how is that helpful? And as many have stated above, she did not mention her step-mother being abusive or hateful of her... There may be more to this story than what she included and if there was mistreatment it would make more sense on her reasoning for shutting them out. My point is regaurdless of the outcome she needs to let go of the anger and get on with her life. For her own benefit. As for there are no bad children??? Then there can be no bad adults as we are all just grown up children. right? In your theory of no bad children a 16 year old goes home and beats up seriously injuring his sister... not a bad kid right? A 18 does the same thing and oh wait a minute you're bad because you're an adult! There are children who are bad, just as there are some adults who are bad. I have seen children come out of a loving home and turn into the cruelest most evil people ever. Then I have seen children come from crap homes and lives and become wonderful human beings... Just because they are children doesn't mean they don't have the free will to choose to be bad.

  • theotherside
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    I think that view of children is horribly sad. There is a reason that children under a certain age (and I personally think that age should be older than it is) are not tried as adults. They may have free will, if you believe in that concept, but they do not have the maturity to be "bad."

    I would never tell my children they "had" to love anyone, nor that they should not love someone.

    There is such a thing as forgiving too easily - that can be at least as harmful to your emotional health as not forgiving easily enough.

  • sandstone
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    And I believe your veiw of children is just as horribly sad... In today's society children are condoned for the horrible things they choose to do by people like you... At what age do you hold them responsible for their actions? I thank god my children are able to grasp what their counselors and I have backed up... Loving a parent that gave birth to you is healthy.. If you encourage a child's anger and or hatred of a bio-parent it will inevitably turn inwards. As that parent is a part of the child they begin comparing themselves to that parent... Now if they have had someone like you around saying "Yes Yes hate them it's okay their bad bad people!" Eventually in their comparisons they get to a point where they start to see similarities between themselves and that bio-parent and GUESS WHAT... you got it they start hating themselves for the same reason they hate that parent. And as for telling them they have to love her guess what... I am only stating what is already there!!! I DON'T CARE IF THEY SHOUT FROM THE ROOF TOPS THAT THEY HATE THEIR BIO-PARENT AND WANT THEM DEAD! Somewhere in their hearts they have that love that is there when they are born to that person and they are trying to find a way to make it OKAY to still love them and be upset with them at the same time. My girl's are VERY grateful that I wasn't like you and harboring hatred toward their BM and it would've been easy on my part... Yes forgiveness is a process, however; I have noticed on EVERY post pertaining to a Step child having problems with a parent... You never encourage forgiveness! Yet on every post you make where a Step parent has spoken out you seem outraged that they would make such a big deal of it. Forgiveness is important and should not be given lightly, but it should be given. For your own sake not that of those you are forgiving! I refuse to let my life or my children's life controlled by hate and anger... If we mess up guess what IT IS OUR FAULT!!! not our parents or step-parents or society's OUR"S ALONE!

  • jenny_alabama
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    sandstone...I agree with you 100%. If you have an adult who can be considered "evil" - then somewhere along the way they were once a child. At 3 they are selfish: at 5 they are hurting an animal: at 8 they are hurting animals, siblings and kids at school, at 10 they are getting in trouble at school, making bad grades, bullying, hurting animals, siblings and other children: at 14 they are in the "D" home because they are uncontrollable and doing all the above: at 17 they are in the "D" home, doing all the above, drugs, robbing, hurting their parents: there are no evil or bad kids....when they are 21 and they have raped or killed your daughter/son...they are serial killers and child rapists..they are evil and should be put to death! Where does evil stem from? A blind eye does not save YOUR child. If my 15 year old SS rapes your 10 year old daughter..(hypothetically)...is he a good kid or a bad kid? But yet his parents were there for him, they nurtured him, they did their best. Then for the other kid/adult that is like this and his parents just did not care? What about the 13 year old boy who a few years ago who raped and killed the 9 or 10 year old little boy...his parents seemed decent. If it were your little boy who was killed...wouldn't you want him tried as an adult and NEVER let out of prison or the crazy house?

  • coolmama
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Wow,I agree alot with sandstone and jenny alabama! I DO think there are some kids though,that no matter how well they are raised or how much love they have ARE evil.
    I just saw this newss thing on these two boys who killed two professors for no reason but to see what it would feel like. Neither showed any remorse at all. How is that not evil?

  • theotherside
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    You obviously ignored the part of my post that said "nor that they should not love someone."

    All 3 year olds are selfish, and only a tiny percentage end up in trouble with the law.

    I do not believe that the word "evil" should be used to describe a child. Ever. There are some children who are mentally ill, but to call them "evil" is wrong.

    I have been a parent for more than a quarter of a century, and have been involved in parent-school and youth groups and in special ed. In all those years, I have NEVER before heard anyone espouse the viewpoint that children could be evil.

  • jenkin
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    sharonphilidelphia
    If you read the threads throughout this forum you will find that parents, step and bio, say that they need to have a united front with thier spouse to build the foundation of the blended family. Could it be possible that your father and stepmother were trying to build that foundatin for the good of the family and in doing so, you didn not get the attention you wanted/needed, and just blamed them? Like it or not, your family grew with the marraige of your father and the woman that he chose to become not only his wife, but the person to be a part of his family. She may have had visions of a "new" daughter in her life. Someone that she could bond with and share new experiences with. Maybe you mistook her enthusiasem as "forcing" herself on you. You said that you began calling her "mom" before you were old enough to make a sincere dicision. As a stepmother, I was thrilled that my stepdaughter (at the time was 9 years old)chose to call me mom (on her own)---that was a confirmation to me that I was doing everything right and all would be well between the two of us and we were on the way to a blended family that would live happily ever after. Well now I fear that she feels the way you do, that I have taken her daddy away. I encourage her dad to do "Father and daughter" things together. I beg him to dicipline (not punish) her, but he won't, which leaves me to the nasty task, thus making me the bad guy. The only time she would get gifts for birthdays, holidays, or "just because" is that I sent them. I didn't get a thank you for any of them. My stepdaughter also thinks that her daddy has "bags of money" that he is going to give her, along with our house, truck and all of the antiques we have. The only thing standing between her and all of the "stuff" that she is entitled to is me and my children. That is the way she sees it. I have shared my time and love with her. I have taught her to paint, sew, cook, write poetry, shared my deepest thoughts, morals, standards and opened my heart and arms to her. My children (who are older that she, and were excited to have a little sister)have protected her, played with her, taught her how to play board games, knee boad, rock climb....on and on and on with what we have done, and it all comes down to daddys' money and my stepfamily treated me bad....so what do stepchildren like my stepdaughter and you want from us---the other people in your life?

  • jenny_alabama
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    theotherside...well I am not sure what kind of "gated, closed in community" you live in. This world is full of evil - no matter how you try and deny it. I am sure most of the people in this forum would agree. Yes there are mentally ill children and adults....although I believe we as a society put this "label" on them. It is too easy for us just to say "he hurt someone or killed someone because he is mentally ill". The child molestor who was released from prison...well he is mental...no he is just MEAN AND BAD (aka evil)! Whether it is just a word people use or the demons are running like mad through someones body, evil acts make you an evil person. Like was stated before - you are a child sometime in your life, and when that child is 17 and has taken someones little girl or boy away for no reason at all...then in 4 months he is 18 - HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER, HE IS AN ADULT...that just makes absolutely no sense. And not ALL 3 years olds are selfish...my daughter is an only child and she was NEVER selfish..I worked hard to see to that. This is why shows like the "super nanny" should never be aired...now in those situations - I DO BLAME THE PARENTS. They act like they are scared to discipline theire own kids!!

    sharonphilidelphia - I do agree with jenkin....I know what your dad did was not right, but it was done and alot of men just do not have that "understanding" of what their actions will lead to! There are stepparents who do not try but maybe she was trying...she just wasn't good at it. Maybe you should give her and your stepfamily another chance....it doesen't sound like it was all her fault.

  • sandstone
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    THANK YOU!!!! FINALLY SOME ARE STARTING TO MAKE SENSES OF THIS!!!! I have posted and reposted on this issue and will continue to do so so you sharonphiledelphia can hear what it is you need to hear... not maybe what you want to hear... As I stated before what's done is done. The affair that happened over 30 years ago is over! This is your father's family, just as you are. MANY families deal with this situation and come out of it okay. Yes his affair affected you, but why let it ruin you? He is your father and he loves you. HE DIDN'T WALK OUT ON YOU!!! HE WALKED OUT ON THE MARRIAGE WITH YOUR MOTHER!! I am NOT condoning what he did, only stating the facts. Now without more info on how your SM treated you it is hard for any of us to jump to conclusions. In your post it does not sound as if she treated you badly, only that she wanted very badly for this family to be together. Maybe she was too pushy in this but maybe that is the way she is. It could also be that your Mother's side of the family has poisoned you towards this family from the start. Regaurdless of the circumstances I can decipher one thing from your post, you love your Father no matter how angry you may be, you love him. Therefore that is all that should matter to you. If that means you have to see him on his terms around the step family so what? He is willing to see you.. There are many father's in this situation that do not include their bio-children in their new families and pretend they don't exist. Do not let anger rule you, take control of your life. Put yourself in his shoes right now and look at it from his perspective.. (And for all of you out there ready to type before you think) IF HE WERE POSTING I WOULD RECCOMEND HE DO THE SAME THING!!!! He has a family whom he loves and whom loves him, he wants to share that with you... I am not saying it will be easy and there won't be disagreements.. (There will be) However you may be missing out on alot of available love. To like/love your stepfamily is NOT a betrayal of your mother. Perhaps actually talking openly of your feelings with SM might help. I am sure at some point they both realized what they were doing was wrong... That is normally when they decide to leave the marriage. And perhaps they were just trying to make the best of a bad situation. I wonder did your Mother ever remarry and if so was there the same aminocity towards her spouse? Many on here have said Pretending it never happened doesn't help... What are they supposed to do? How long are they supposed to hang their heads in shame? Guess what things happen people fall in love and people fall out of love. Many times it is nobody's fault. My question is still the same as it has been in every post and every one who responds negatively still has yet to answer this!!! How does staying angry at the man who DID not give up on you, who still included you in his life, when to be honest it probably would've been much easier on him and his "new" family if he had simply shoved you to the side... How does being so angry and shutting out this new family help YOU? At no point did I dismiss the fact that you had the right to be angry, but over 30 years? Please, don't listen to the negative people who encourage anger and hate... IT NEVER DOES ANYBODY ANY GOOD! The questions shouldn't be who did he sleep with and why did he leave the marriage? The questions that should be proposed are Was he a good father? Did he love you, support you, include you? Did he or his new spouse mistreat you? You state you mourned the loss of your father, but going by your post it sounds as if you chose that loss not him. Did his spouse tell you, you were not welcome?

  • sarahl
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Dear Sharon,
    Do you realize that your step mom is obviously the love of your father's life? She truly is dear. They have had a loving happy marriage for 30 some years now. Your dad and she are so fortunate to have found each other. Yes, it is unfortunate that he and your mother divorced and that your mom wasn't the love of his life. It is also unfortunate for your step mom's ex. But my God, how often are there failed marriages? How often do people live in loveless marriages? How many young marriages fail because people out grow each other? How often do people get lucky enough the first time around to find their one and only?
    You are judging and resenting your dad and step mom for standing up for their love.
    30 years ago there wasn't as much info on blending families. The mom name stuff was how things were done because your step mom was in the mother position in your dad's house. Things were more formal back then. I never called my neighbor lady by her first name when I was a kid, but my kids' friends do it all the time with me.
    It sounds like your step mom has dealt with blending her children into the family more effectively than your dad has. It sounds like it may be in part by your mother and her resentment for him leaving her. It has been passed down to you.
    Do you think your dad is a great guy? Sounds like it. Is you step mom good to your dad? Is he happy with her? Sounds like it.
    Your dad didn't betray you by divorcing your mom. I didn't betray my children by divorcing my ex. The only one he betrayed was your mom by cheating on her. Sh#t happens.
    How do you honestly justify judging your dad the way you are. You haven't walked in his shoes or lived his life.
    If you had been involved with your dad and had the means to buy the cottage, you would probably have had the same opportunity to buy it and resell if for the profit. I bet your step brother put some work and money into it and contributed to the profit too.
    Your dad loves you and you love your dad. Life is too short to waste the opportunity to spend time with him and love him and be happy he is happy.
    You haven't said anything about your step siblings. Do you like them or are you being prejudiced against them because they are her kids?
    You sound to me like you are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

  • sandstone
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Well said sara1, well said

  • jenny_alabama
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    I second that.

  • theotherside
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    There is absolutely nothing that the original poster said from which one could infer that her father is a "great guy," and, if you read her blog, it is obvious that he is quite the opposite. Great guys do not have affairs, or leave their families, much less flaunt their affair in front of all the neighbors. If I remember correctly, he also went back to court after the divorce was final in an attempt to steal even the furniture from his first family.

    I have never before heard "standing up for their love" being used as a euphemism for leaving your family for another woman. Sounds like something from the gloryb message board. Yuck.

  • jenny_alabama
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    I do not see anything in sharonphiladelphia's post that states her father was a "bad guy," she mentions nothing about him in a negative way ohter than the affair 30 years ago and that he has a relationship with his stepkids. I do not see anythere that he "flaunted" his affair in front of the whole neighborhood...or he went tocourt to steal furniture from his family. It looks like the stepkids get along with him, so that tells me the SK's dad does not cause a problem in this relationship. I do NOT uphold people having affairs. I believe it is wrong!! There is no reason to hurt someone like that...I say get out if you are not happy! Obviously there is a problem when adultery is committed. I do not see where sharonphiladelphia said she actually set down with her dad and stepmom and voiced her feelings. She was 2 and the other sibling was 6..so I am sure nothing was discussed and as years passed it was just "accepted." I may be wrong but if you have a problem you have to try and fix it. She states: "she was attached to his hip and neither my father or stepmother realized that my sister and I needed to spend time alone bonding with our dad". The word is "realized" - so I am thinking the two kids never told them how they feel. If nothing is said well then of course her father and SM are going to assume everything is ok..not saying that is how you should handle it, but that is reality. I never had much of a relationship with my dad growing up, he beat my mom and of course cheated. They divorced when I was 4. My mother spoke very negative about him and I do not blame her for that. When I turned the age of 19, I decided to try and have a relationship with him. We had a pretty good one for about 10 years. Then I found some things out of what he did to my sister (his stepdaughter at one time). Well just say he made her bleed when she was 8 years old. He also did some things to me I am sure...so then I decided to not have a relationship with him, I could not bare the thought of what he did to my sister. Now during all these years, he had a closer relationship with his SK's - and I do not hold that against him and definitely his SK's. When he died - I went to his funeral, I needed to respect him that much. After the funeral (3 years ago) I have completely taken myself out of the picture...not because my SM and stepbrother and sisters were mean to me - but because that part of my life was closed. I had and still have people telling me "fight for what is yours...he had a good bit of money, it is yours more than the SK's. You know what? It is not more mine...no matter what my father did to me or my sister...I chose not to be involved in his life anymore...so therefore I deserve nothing. I do not what anything...it is over and I am not a selfish person. So what I am saying is that if you do not make an effort to be in your father's life - no matter what the circumstance...well things are going to turn out the way they have. If his SK's accept him - then that is where his attention goes...especially when they become adults and start having his grandkids.
    sharonphiladelphia - if your dad is overall a good person -please look past what happened 30 years ago and have a relationship with him....talk with him and your SM...and your step siblings...you can't have too much love!

  • theotherside
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    There is huge gap between "great guy" and child abuser. Just because her father is not, apparently, the latter doesn't make him anything approaching great. I found the info about the furniture etc. on sharon's blog, which I think I found through a link in another post.

    I think you do deserve a good deal of your father's estate by virtue of the fact that you are his child. Whether or not you had anything to do with him is irrelevant.

  • hotgurl225
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    I have to agree with sandstone, I grew up with my father always doing what my stepmother thought he should do, she even filled out the paper to take my Mom to court when I was living with him to get child support. SO I can understand what you went through, but what you need to understand is that you have moved on with your life, you have started a family. You do not see your father, or live with your father anymore,. He has his wife(your stepmom) and that is all he has. He has to live day in and day out with her. My Mom had to explain this to me at the age of 18 when I wrote a letter to my dad because I felt he was missing out on my life and that I wasnt important enough to him. He broke down and was upset, he had no idea I felt that way, but now at 21 I realize I was wrong. Thats what its sad to me that you are still resentful at your age. I realize how it is being a stepmom now, and I would never want my stepdaughter to feel the way I did. So I am building a relationship with her so she understands that I am very important, almost as important as her to her father. WE are both his everything but one day, I hope, she will see that she will move on with her life and I will still be here with her father, so she should never feel left out or that she has lost her father. You have your own life now. She will have hers too. Your father misses you and you shouldnt only see him, you should see the whole family, cause his family is important to him Im sure and that includes your stepmom most of all. So I think you should mend bridges before it is too late, unless she is a horrible person.

  • theotherside
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Children don't become less important to their parents just because they become adults. If that were so, then my adult children would be less important to me than my minor children, and that is simply not the case.

    You children are part of you. Your spouse, while certainly important, is not a part of you. No child should ever have to feel like one of her parents is missing out on her life.

    There is a good chance that you are going to lose your spouse, either through death or divorce, before the end of your life (more so if you are female, of course). Becoming a widow or widower as a senior citizen is sad, but is not generally viewed as tragic. However, if someone, even an 80 year old, loses a child, that is tragic.

    Never forget that at some point, either you or your husband will be alone (unless you die together in an accident), but your children will, one hopes, still be there. The parent, not the child, is the one who has to worry about being alone because he burned his bridges with his children.

  • searer
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    "You children are part of you. Your spouse, while certainly important, is not a part of you. No child should ever have to feel like one of her parents is missing out on her life.

    There is a good chance that you are going to lose your spouse, either through death or divorce, before the end of your life (more so if you are female, of course). Becoming a widow or widower as a senior citizen is sad, but is not generally viewed as tragic. However, if someone, even an 80 year old, loses a child, that is tragic.

    Never forget that at some point, either you or your husband will be alone (unless you die together in an accident), but your children will, one hopes, still be there. The parent, not the child, is the one who has to worry about being alone because he burned his bridges with his children."

    My husband would not be pleased to learn that contrarily to marriage vows, is not a part of me but just the means for me to get children that in turn are supposed to keep me company in my old age.

    Believe me, i am currently pregnant with twins and full of thoughts abount my two tiny babies inside me but I still think that losing my husband, now or later in my life, would be tragic, not merely sad.

    Dear theotherside,I am surprised that such a staunch believer in traditional family and marriage like you believes so.

    I also trying to provide for my old age so that my children will be free to to lead their own life and hopefully to care for their own families instead of having to care for me, with me depending on their approvation on matters like remarrying that are deeply personal and nobody, nor parents, nor children should intrude on. Parents and stepparents are people too.

  • theotherside
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Losing your spouse from old age is not tragic; it is sad, but a normal part of life. Somebody has to die first. If both parents were to die simultaneously, that would be a tragedy for the children and possibly other relatives.

  • sandstone
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    The loss of a loved one especially a spouse is MOST definately tragic. For those of you whom do not feel so, I feel so sorry for you. Did you forget the part of the joined union? Where you two became one? My husband IS my gift from god and though at some point one of us will pass, the loss will be tragic! For you to say "it is a normal part of life" Yes true but just as true children die every day! Does this make it less tragic? Yes somebody has to die first, however; that can be said about any living creature. If you are a believer in God you will realize that every person man, woman, or child is set for death the moment they take their first breath. For those of you whom place more value on your children than your spouse, how could you? (I understand the need to protect your children if the spouse is abusive or such) But to actually dismiss the spouse as less important? My husband is my rock, he provides for our family the best he can, he loves our children, and he IS my best friend. And I can honestly say that I would lay down my life for him just as quickly as I would my children. Perhaps for you otherside it would not be a "tragic" loss, but you CAN NOT as much as you might like to make that stipulation adhere to all of us. It would destroy me to lose my partner. Granted god gives us strength to carry on and I would have to for the sake of my children. But the same goes if I lost a child.. I have other children to be strong for, I am not saying the loss of a child is not devestating.. I know first hand it is. I delivered a still born baby boy at 20 yrs of age. It tore my heart to peices. But it was god's will and I can not question his reasons. I do not understand your need to squeeze every situation into one category... For many the death of a spouse is not just a sad loss but a tragic event in your life. You might also research this theory due to the fact that most company's and therapist recognize the loss of a spouse as a Tragic loss allowing you to enact the FMLA to grieve. My husband most definately is a part of me, our children were his gift to me. For you to say that the loss of a spouse is not tragic is not only disrespectful to many it is just disgusting. If your children are a part of you then the man whom helped you create them is just as big a part.

  • theotherside
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    I guess we will have to disagree. For me, death is only tragic if it occurs abnormally soon, or in an accident. If an 85 year old spouse or parent dies in his sleep, I would consider that a blessing, no matter how much the survivors might miss him.

  • coolmama
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    "Becoming a widow or widower as a senior citizen is sad, but is not generally viewed as tragic."
    Ok,Theotherside,you put up a good arguement until this last statement that was kinda assanine.

    Many psychologists will tell women who are ignoring their husbands to concentrate on their children that this is a huge mistake because children grow up and move out. They make their own lives. YOUR SPOUSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR LIFE PARTNER.
    Your spouse will be there when the kids have moved out and until the day one of you dies.
    Most seniors who's spouses die, usually die a few years after them because they are HEARTBROKEN!!!
    My husband's grand mom died and the grand dad lost his will to live and followed two years after!!!
    If my husband died I can tell you I'd have to be put away because I wouldnt be able to handle the pain.And I know many couples who feel the same.

    And,once again,please dont come at me for making a general statement here.But many men(I didnt say ALL) simply arent that maternal. The baby doesnt grow inside of them for 9 months like they do with us,so unless they bond extensively after being born,they may never be that close.
    It is easier for a man to walk away from the child.Which is why the woman is usually the one who is left to care for the child. Men just arent as connected to children as women.
    And before I get lynched I just want to say that I KNOW many moms who arent maternal either,and that many men can be very loving and close to their kids.
    All I'm saying is,I can see where a man might feel closer to his new wife then to some child he isnt close to that resents him.

  • theotherside
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Since the average life expectancy for a 65 year old woman is 3 years longer than for a man of that age, and since wives tend to be younger than their husbands, most women will end up as widows, often for a number of years. (http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/hus/hus06.pdf#027)

    In 1999, 44.9% of women aged 65 and older were widowed, and another 6.8% were divorced. Thirteen to fourteen percent of men that age were widowers. (http://www.deathreference.com/Vi-Z/Widows.html)
    I rather doubt that the majority of the 44.9% of over 65 women are going to die in the next couple of years - we wouldn't be worrying about the future of social security if that were the case.

    An actuarial table presented here:
    https://www.manpower.usmc.mil/portal/page?_pageid=278,1986054&_dad=portal&_schema=PORTAL

    says that, on average, a widow will live 14 years after her husband dies.

    I, personally, would hate to spend my last years estranged from my children and grandchildren.

    Adult children have their own lives, but from my experience, many parents are still very close to them, and involved in their lives. I would give my right arm for my younger kids to have known their grandparents.

    I don't disagree that men are more likely than women to be disconnected from their children - but that doesn't make it right.

  • coolmama
    17 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    "I don't disagree that men are more likely than women to be disconnected from their children - but that doesn't make it right."

    I agree it doesnt make it right,but like your statistics,it is something that happens alot.
    I think your statistics are probably true,cuz I have often heard men die before women..but not always.
    I wouldnt want to be estranged from my children either.But everyone isnt like that i guess.
    I think if OP just realized her father maybe doesnt know her that well,and isnt going to up and leave his wife and step family she'd be alot happier.
    She needs to start including herself into the family,and realize the past is the past.That is,if she herself even WANTS to be a part of his life.

  • sandstone
    16 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    I would never want to be estranged from my children but if they as adults decide to estrange themselves for something that happened 30 yrs ago then so be it... Let's face it just as their are some women out there whom do not make good stepmoms, there are some children who do not make good step kids! As I have stated and will state again... SHOW ME an instance of abuse on the part of this stepmom... Tell me what horrible things she has done and I will agree with not speaking to her or your father.. If her father did not get along with her current husband and said "I hate your husband, and will not visit with him or the children, but you are welcome to come over" Would that be okay? That is the same ultimatum she has put to her father.

  • jenny_alabama
    16 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    I agree....sounds to me that there is not much more to this problem other than "the past" - unfortuneately she is missing out on an extended family.

    I also believe that losing your spouse is a tragedy...and until that happens and a person goes through that, whether you are 25 or 85, they can not actually say it isn't. You share EVERYTHING with your spouse...and that should not be taken lightly. Losing a child - well it is very hard to imagine....I do not want to imagine that...but this does not make losing a spouse any easier..

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    She was an active participant in the destruction of his marriage, flaunted it to the neighborhood, and showed no remorse. Why would she want anything to do with the woman? And what difference does the passage of time make? Would you say the same thing if she had murdered a family member 30 years before, and showed no remorse? Or even if she had stolen your car 30 years before, and showed no remorse?

  • jenny_alabama
    16 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    I still do not see anywhere in her post that the SM is the one who destroyed their marriage or that she flaunted it in the neighborhood or showed no remorse. To me comparing a murder 30 years ago and a divorce 30 years ago are completely, 100% different. If someone takes a loved one by murder..well of course I would not forgive that! You were stripped of everything. Divorce - although can be devastating - is not the same. You still have that person in this world and you do have a chance to interact with them. We do not know for sure what happened, the mother could have done something as well! sharon has not responded back on her post...so really we do not know the details.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    I read additional details in Sharon's blog, but nowhere in the post does she imply that the woman DID feel any remorse, and this sentence:

    "It seems to me that my stepmother tried to re-write history to save face and create an image" implies a lack of remorse.

    Participating in the destruction of a marriage through adultery is, in my opinion, far worse than robbery and only very slightly less cruel and evil than murder.

  • jenny_alabama
    16 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    No way.....you can not be serious? So if (hypothetically) your father/mother committed adultery and divorced...this to you is slightly less hurtful than if your father/mother were murdered? Sounds like alot of anger issues here....which is a sad thing.

    "It seems to me that my stepmother tried to re-write history to save face and create an image" implies a lack of remorse. **Not sure I agree with that. Maybe she was REALLY remorseful and tried to make things better - if possible - in her own way.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    If a parent committed adultery and left his or her family, it is only slightly less hurtful and wrong than if he or she committed murder.

    People who are remorseful try to make amends - and that includes apologizing to the victims, not pretending that everything was hunky dory.

  • sandstone
    16 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    To everyone posting on this subject... Be sure to check out my thread problems with my 19 yr old daughter.... Where theotherside once again flip flops on her beliefs... she is a total hypocryte!!! Here she is ready to lynch this man and in my post she makes it very clear that my daughter is not mature enough to handle her life and I should do it... She even states that a child is not an Adult until they are around 30!!! So therefore this man is not responsible for the affair!!! He was just immature and his parents should have stepped in and DONE something! right? :) :) Oh the isanity goes on. :)

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    What?? I don't see anywhere in the original post where she mentioned how old her father was when he left the family, but since she was six, I think we can assume he was considerably older than 19.

    As you know, I did not say that people are not adults until they are 30. I said that brain development, especially in the areas of planning and decision making, continues throughout one's twenties. That should not be much of a surprise to anyone who is over 30.

  • jenny_alabama
    16 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Chances are the father was 19 - 23 when they had their first child...which would make his under 30 when the marriage dissolved.

  • kkny
    16 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    looking at the lifestyle --- at the time of the breakup == living up the street (house?)

    looks to me like dad went to college (beach homes, etc). so dad was likely 23 + when sis was born and pushing, or over 30, when he left.

    he certainly wasnt 19

  • jenny_alabama
    16 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    correct he could not have been 19...just stating what sandstone brought to this forum....TOS stated: C"hildren don't automatically become grown women and men just because they reach 18. Their brains, especially the part that deals with planning and decision making, keep growing for years after that - in some cases, especially in men, until around 30." - so if we go by her thoughts....his decision making was not rational because he was 30 or below....his brain may not have been completely developed yet.

  • kkny
    16 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago
  • jenny_alabama
    16 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    So now we go see Dr. Phil? Sounds good to me! Let's go.....