I have felt the need to do alot of defending on this forum. Most of the people have been great but I can definetly feel the hostility of others. Anyone who has to name call a 2nd wife, "sloppy seconds" that's horrible. The first time I wrote on here I really needed the support, I couldn't stop crying. The comments back were great & I really needed to hear that I'm not alone in this journey of parenting. I didn't need everything I wrote analyzed & made to feel defensive. All in all, I like the posters that offer constructive advice through experiences that are similar to mine.
Dotz....little brother won. YEAH!!! I love the Mannings. I loved it when Payton got so excited for Ely. I hope my boys are that close. Also I just made the best frosting. I took a cake decorating class & if anyone wants an awesome recipe for frosting....let me know.(little of subject, but it's a shame to keep it to myself)

Yeah Manning Family!!! They must be So proud!!!! Yum, Frosting!!!! Good night Misti Dear!!! Did you hear anything? I didnt Goodnight Stepmoms every where tonight..God Bless you all and keep you safe XXXOOO Dotz

Dotz, I thought I heard an eerie breeze but nope, didn't hear a thing either.. lmao

I have said "except for one child" numerous times in my posts, so much so that I am getting tired of typing it.

He comes to virtually all the team meetings, which I have also said before. I didn't think that counted as an hour of talking to me, since I talk to him for maybe 5 minutes before or after. Yes, he is involved in medical decisions, not that that involves much talking to me either. Fortunately there haven't been a lot of medical decisions. I take the kids to checkups, except for once.

mistyhayes,

I do not think anyone intended to marginalize your suffering. As the mother of six, I have seen how important the sibling bond is, and this also applies to half-siblings. Personally, I think it was cruel for some posters to suggest that you divorce your husband - cruel to you, your husband, and your boys.

"I do not think anyone intended to marginalize your suffering. As the mother of six, I have seen how important the sibling bond is, and this also applies to half-siblings. Personally, I think it was cruel for some posters to suggest that you divorce your husband - cruel to you, your husband, and your boys."

You absolutely marginalized Misty's suffering. You did so by trying to blame the problem with her SD's on her!

"It doesn't sound like you respect your husband's older children. It sounds like you can't stand them, something that is probably obvious to them."

Of course she can't stand them. They have been unbelievably cruel to her.

You say it was cruel for some to suggest she divorce her husband? Ask Misty who offended her the most - I'm sure she will say it was YOU.

Would it kill you to say "Misty, I am genuinely sorry for your loss"? I think it would. And the pathetic reason for that is because she is a stepmother.

Back to the topic of the original post:

My BF's ex isn't too bad. She's a little tiresome at times (kind of narcissistic and quite selfish, but she's usually a good mom and doesn't wreak too terribly much havoc in our lives)...
So what I would really like from her is for her to acknowledge that I am one of her son's caregivers and treat my role in A__'s life with a little more respect.
I can deal with the occasional selfish/bonkers things she does, but I'd just like to not be considered such a second-class citizen in it all. I don't mind last minute changes of schedule if there's an "I'm sorry if this mucks up your weekend" coming along with it, but I get a little annoyed with "Come and get him right now" imperatives that have no regard for what we had planned.
I'd also like to see my BF treated as more of a coparent and less of a free babysitting service...

All this is improving though, and I might get my wishes! If I have time I'll tell you about it later today in a new thread.

I would like BM to just get over her hate and animosity period. I wish she would be happy and get on with her life. I wish she would stop involving her kids and sending them nothing but hate messages. Her daughter knows now exactly what type of person she is and has started to 'hate her' i've told her dont hate. Dont let your mother hate infect you. Leave her to her misery and concentrate on school and your life.
I wish BM was mature enough and stopped acting like her shoe size and stop crying wolf..boo hoooooo..i have no money.
Well....stop smoking. stop smoking drugs, get a house in the city close to your job so you dont have to spend 500$ on gas alone.
Get your Live in BF (5th one ) with a boy of his own, to GET A JOB and stop leachign off you.
Tell him to stop swearing at the kids,
Tell his son to stop beating on the kids.
Shall i say more?? She has a job that pay higher than my husband, get CS and she gets money from the federal and provincial gov. Plus she gets to claim the kids on taxes! and She complains she has no money. ...she has Dividin shares from her company and is swimming in RRSP cash....where does the money go? definitely not to the kids. They are thin, and they wear handmedowns. SHe just likes to complain and play the victim
Yes there is animosity to soem extent and more i feel sorry for her when i think of her. BUt these days i'm letting go more and more of thinking of her. She brings no peace to my life , so my motto now is keep it at your house and dont infect me anymore. I'll help the kids cope as much as possible.

oh_my, if the BM was a decent, respectful human being without hate in her soul things would have been different. Im a very easy going person. I dont tread on anyone territory and if i did tread it was by sincere accident. But she has so much hate for my husband that it blinds her. It has come to the point where even her own parents can't stomach her and limit their time...she just wastes so much energy with this hate. Yes my husband was no angel with her. But they divorce, he moved on, he changed and thats it.

well my X just left his wife for TOW. Former SM was fine, DD liked her, I wanted nothing different, but she unfortunatelly is out of the picture. The new future one (not married yet, maybe never will)is just 30 and also left her husband for my X. And they had affair right there in X's house (family friends). Hmmm, what a "nice" lady. DD is grown, is in college out of town and sees her dad only once in few month, so this new SM probably won't be too involved. So i want nothing. i would want him to go back to his wife, SM # 1, but it is not going to happen.

What I want from my BF's X is to be more involved and helpful with younger DD who is in college so my BF can have a bit less stress. i would also like her to not send nasty emails or nasty phone voice messages to neither him nor their daughters. Not like i care, but it stresses him and his DDs out and also effects our relationship.

I am sorry for her loss.

I am also sorry for the stepchildren, because they are CHILDREN, and anyone who is related in any way when there is a tragedy such as the death of a child suffers. No, it is not to the degree that a mother suffers, but it is suffering nonetheless. When our young relative was murdered, don't you think his half siblings suffered, quite possibly as much, though perhaps in a different way, as his mother? When two children in my kids' high schools committed suicide in the last few years, don't you think their classmates suffered? When one of my kids' classmates collapsed and died on the playing field, don't you think the entire school suffered?

Theotherside,
You are a flippin idiot when it comes to a child passing. And what do you hold your degrees in Oh Wise Woman? The stepchildren knew my daughter less than 8 months & complained most of the time when they were around her. The skids had no discipline & my daughter was still made to follow the rules. She didn't particularly care for them either. One kid is 16 & believe me she isn't that traumatized. She wasn't even present to witness anything traumatic & went to a birthday party the next day. The kids at Brittani's school planted a garden in my daughters name, made a video for me, & wrote about their favorite memories w/ Brittani, & cd's of their favorite songs. The children at the church gave me a Bible with their names in it & the church named their youth center after Brittani. The skids didn't do one thing. I have never even received a "sorry" card, nothing. So back off & quit responding to anything regarding me. We obviously don't see things the same.

misti,

with her, it's not limited to a child passing...

and I went to her memorial page, it's lovely. She is a beautiful angel.

Thank you so much. I have many wonderful memories of her. Not the perfect Angel then, but is definetly my beautiful angel now.
The plea deal date is next Monday & my heart doesn't know what to do. I know this is off topic but anyone being able to give some input would be great. The man that killed(hate that word) Brittani was a known drunk & he gave the middle finger gesture to neighbors that warned him to slow down. These neighbors gave depositions about his behavior. This man wasn't apprehended until 2100 that night so no alcohol test was even done. I'm to give like a victims impact statement over a speaker phone. I don't know if I should bring up everything ugly about this man. I don't know if I should tell him what a beautiful child he took, whould I tell him what he's done to me? I have never really had alot of anger at him...more at myself for moving to FL, for working that day, for letting her stay at a friends. Brittani was staying with a little friend of hers when it happened. When I went to the bail hearing I froze & never have I not been able to speak, but nothing would come out of my mouth. I pray that doesn't happen....I'm on speaker so hopefully it'll be easier. If you/anyone has suggestions, I would take any.
Thank you too for your support.

I am so sorry for you. Having never lost a child, I wont even pretend to know your pain.

Why dont you write down what you want to say, and bring notes with you. That way, if you freeze, you can read your notes.

I'm sorry for calling someone that...I shouldn't call anyone an idiot. I'm an adult, not a perfect one obviously. UGH!!
I have tried to write things down but I get so angry. I write a few things & then I get so mad & I don't want to cry because I'm afraid I won't stop. I'll try again..writing down things, but it sure makes sleeping hard at night when I think about things so intensely during the day.
Thank you for your support too.

Misti, You dont have to apologize to anyone, you are SO obviously a nice person and with a conscience to boot....To think you may have offended someone AFTER that infuriating comparison....Yep, I m so sure the sks are hurting like you.... I m have a hard time finding words(and for me , thats something)to express the RAGE I felt on just READING IT!!!! The person who offended you (and me) you does not deserve any more of your time or thoughts...Empty shell, its all about me and my kids, she is NOT even thinking of you, just herself and her situation....Come ON SMs lets support Misti and get rid of these people who have been so toxic and hurtful to Misti....And get back on track here.... They ARE IDIOTS (dont look for an apology for me)I m not as nice as you Misti, I m gonna call it as I see it............. Misti,And writing your thoughts, would be good, if you can, but sometimes it will just flow from you and seem right, and I have such emphathy for your.... if I start to cry, I feel like I ll never stop, I can only pray for you with time that feeling will go away and your guilt too....I can tell you you are not responsible for anothers horrific behavior, and I hope in time those awful thoughts will leave you, pray for that too, Thoughts and heart with you........

A very close relative of mine lost a child to murder. Obviously her pain was thousands of times worse than mine, but I WAS there as she went through this for months as her child lay unconscious, before dying. I saw how my children reacted. While this certainly doesn't make me a wise woman on the subject, it did give me some experience, experience I would obviously much rather not have had, and I believe I am a long way from flipping idiot when it comes to this topic.

Actually, TOS, your 17:47 response proves otherwise. Your relative probably has an idea of what Misti is going through, but your time as a spectator to someone else's grief is entirely different from experiencing the loss. With all due respect, you don't have a clue.

Your failure of empathy is appalling.

Agreed.

wrychoice,
I was hardly a spectator. Are you claiming that the only people who grieve when a child dies are the parents? Not the siblings, the grandparents, the aunts and uncles or cousins? With all due respect, you don't have a clue.

i don't think you can compare. it is just not comparable.

and you do not know if SKs in question expreinced grief. judging by their actions they weren't too upset.

I specifically said that my grief was no where near what his mother's must have been. However, although I am not sure that you can quantify grief, I believe his siblings grieved very, very deeply - perhaps as deeply as their mother, though perhaps not in quite the same way.

You can not judge by a person's actions whether they are grieving. Some people cry, some people never shed a tear. Some people cope by feigning indifference.

Mistihayes said that they had been having difficulties blending the families, so I think one could postulate that at some point the older children had wished that their stepmother and stepsister weren't in their lives. Then, when the girl died tragically, they would have probably felt guilt, with vestiges of magical thinking (i.e. that if they wish something it will come true.) And how do many people deal with guilt? - by feigning indifference or callousness.

But it is so much easier just to label children as bad or evil.

I can understand how mistihayes would interpret their actions as intentionally cruel, since she is directly involved in the situation, and she is grieving. What I don't understand is why so many SM's here are lacking in understanding of the possible roots of the SC's behavior, and so quick to label them as basically evil.

No, I do not claim that parents are the only ones to grieve the loss of a child. I was refering to your very specific post,"Obviously her pain was thousands of times worse than mine but I WAS there..."

I'm speechless...your post is so arrogant and condescending, so obviously lacking in insight. Do you get that in your own words TOS, it's all about you..."her pain was thousands of times worse than MINE (my emphasis) but I WAS (your emphasis)there..." like somehow your loss can even remotely be compared to the parent's loss.

"I am not sure you can quantify grief..." and yet you rather cavalierly do just that.

And love is merely the activation and dissipation of neurotransmitters in the brain.

The more you reveal youself, TOS, the more comprehensible are your circumstances.

You are not making any sense. First you call me a "spectator" and then you admit that others can also grieve the loss of a child. Well, which is it?

You have no way of knowing whether or not one person's loss can "remotely be compared to the parent's loss," especially when you do not know any of the people involved. The assumption that you can know this is highly arrogant.

"And love is merely the activation and dissipation of neurotransmitters in the brain." Well, duh.. That would apply to all thought processes.

I am not the scholar you are TOS and unlike you, my graduate degree is not in neuropsychology or neuroanatomy or neuro-anything....but I am pretty sure there is a difference between cognition and affect....duh.

The more you reveal yourself....

There is no greater loss in the world than losing a child. Haven't you ever heard that? It's true. I also though think that a child losing a parent is right there. Someone on here I recall did lose her/his Mom & I remember feeling so sad for this person. That must be a horrible pain for a little child to endure.
I don't give a crap what you have witnessed. I have witnessed so many deaths, atleast 30-50(ICU RN), losing your child is totally different. No one can even come close to suffering as a parent suffers. This I can tell you & I do know from experience. So just accept it. These people have read my posts & do realize the situation. You try questioning everything when the answers have already been written. You argue far too much. It is what it is. I bet your husband didn't walk out on you...he probably ran.

I agree that there is no greater loss than losing a child. I have also been told by several people who have lost both a child and have divorced that the divorce was even harder on them. I find that hard to understand.

The mother of the relative who was murdered has told me that losing her parents (as an adult) was in some ways even harder to cope with.

I lost my parents in close succession in my twenties, and although I certainly grieved for them, personally I would not compare it to losing a child.

People react differently to death. Although I agree that there is nothing worse than the loss of a child, but based on what others have told me, the statement "no one can come close to suffering as a parent suffers" is not universally accurate. Two sentences earlier you said as much yourself, in reference to a child losing a parent.

mistihayes,

You said that your stepchildren posted a picture of your daughter's headstone on their myspace page, and after they were asked to remove it, wrote negative remarks about you under it. Actually, I have two questions: Prior to the request to remove it, had they written negative remarks under it? Were the negative remarks that they wrote afterwards about you or about your daughter?

ALL STEPMOMS, OR any woman out there!! I BEG you to not respond to these infuriating posts!!!!!DIVORCE HARDER THAN DEATH??? I HEARD IT FROM SEVERAL PEOPLE???? My God in heavan, please, the only way she will go away is to TOTALLY IGNORE THIS TRASH!!!!!Misti, please dont dignify this garbage with a reply, you ll just get more, She doesnt get it and never will...Not worth yout time....

who said that divorce is harder than death of a child? i don't think anyone would say that. i hope whoever you are refering to said something else and you misinterpeted.

Having been through both a divorce and the death of a child I can assure you that losing my child was far worse than losing the man I loved to TOW. As I've also lost friends, parents, a grandparent (who raised me), I also know that it doesn't compare then either. NOTHING is like losing your child.

"The best way I can describe the feeling is to say that it's like jumping off a cliff knowing that there is only sharp rocks at the bottom and praying you'll die before impact, but knowing you won't, and knowing you'll suffer. It's like that every day. Time doesn't really make this better, it doesn't take away the hurt, it doesn't make me thankful to be alive, and it doesn't blur the memories, her face, or the feelings of betrayal. It also doesn't make the maybe's go away."

That's a quote from Slowdowntherecrazy here on the forum. It is absolute truth. For the death of a child to be compared to a divorce is pure rubbish. Honestly, what man who grew in another's womb could compare to a child that grew in yours, who you felt every kick, every hiccup, went through labor for?

I agree w/ you guys. Thanks & I'll just not read anything else from that person & then no need to respond.
HECALLSMEMOM....I'M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. YOU DESCRIBED IT WELL. LIFE IS LIKE WALKING THROUGH SHARDS OF GLASS, NOT KNOWING WHEN ONE MEMORY WILL GOUGE & BLEED YOUR HEART. IF YOU EVER WANT TO SHARE ANYTHING WITH ME, PLS LET ME KNOW. LOTS OF HUGS TO YOU ALL

Seems pretty unanimous on this board that ---in most cases, depending on circumstances, which vary--- the loss of a child is more tragic and difficult than a divorce. I personally would tend to agree, although I would certainly permit others to have their own experiences and feelings of relative loss based on those experiences.

I just want to add that "loss" is not just defined by literal, physical death and can be experienced on a more symbolic level, as in the "[child] is dead to me" sentiment of estrangement. Also want to add that "loss" of a parent in the same manner is very tragic as well, though I'm finding that this fact is not often considered, since the "natural order" of things is for the child to lose a parent...

What I'm getting at is that the loss of a biological child ---which everyone agrees is gut-wrenching and horrible--- whether by literal or symbolic death is something no parent should have to bear. There's a reason why many SP's become frustrated when their spouses refuse to cast out their own biological children from their lives; more directly, there is a reason the parent resists, because it is an excruciating prospect. Maybe some of you don't realize that when you pressure your spouse to make any kind of permanent choice between you and his/her children because you can't envision peaceful coexistence, if your spouse were to choose you then he/she would experience a similar sense of loss regarding his/her children.

Before I get flamed about how a "real" death doesn't compare to a symbolic death or how the SK's might in your opinion "deserve" to be cast out of their parent's life because of some of their behavior or cast themselves out of their own accord... my point is the same. I am only saying that the feelings can be *similar*, not exactly the same, and certainly not irreversible like literal death is. And whether or not the symbolic death/estrangement is reversible (conditional, for example, on improved behavior by the SK's who will then be permitted back into parent's life): for as long as the estrangement period lasts, there will be a tremendous and very real sense of LOSS on the part of both bio-parent and bio-child. Yes, even if bad behavior (on eithers part or both) is involved; it doesnÂt change the bond inherent in the biological relationship, even if the bond goes sour. If your biological child was a complete jerk, you would still be devastated if he/she died, or if you Âlost him/her otherwise. YouÂd be made of stone if you werenÂt, regardless of what he/she "did bad".

The main reason I am likening the two kinds of losses is not to inadvertently call anyone a symbolic child murderer nor to minimize ANYONE's pain or grief. Only to point to an *approximation* of what a bio-parent and bio-child go through when an "either them or me" choice is forced, and why you might encounter the resistance to such a choice, which many SP's have seemed so frustrated and puzzled by. If you imagine your spouse feeling even a *fraction* of the pain you'd feel at the loss of a bio-child ---even if you think the amount of pain is so much smaller--- then maybe you will understand more deeply why most bio-parents don't take quickly or kindly to the idea of keeping their kids away. And maybe too youÂll see where some of that pesky Âguilt or fear comes from that prevents the parent from sending their kids packing after every single adolescent door-slam or breach of etiquette.

I think Hecallsmemom just captured it well: "...could compare to a child that grew in your [womb], who you felt every kick, every hiccup, went through labor for?"

TOS - what are you - the village idiot? I am convinced you are out of your mind.

And Dotz, I agree. I had to get this off my chest. Let's ignore her and maybe she'll find other people to harrass.

Serenity,
Did you see my post on Tuesday Feb 5th @ 0:04? I did say a child losing a parent is right there with the pain of losing a child. I wouldn't agree if the the child is an adult though. It broke my heart to hear of the little girl who was 7, I think, when she lost her mom & got a bad sm. I can't remember what thread but I remember seeing it & my heart saddening for that person.
Who on here has made a parent chose between them or biological children? I definetly didn't imply that. I said I didn't want to be involved with skids but have & always will encourage a relationship between DH & kids. Me being as mad as I am at them, I have still planned what hubby can do with them to make their summer vacation a good stay. I wouldn't want them to know that, but I don't want them bored and my DH is very boring. I think I'm almost doing them a favor by taking the boys & I on vacation while here. Would you want to spend time with your Dad while 3 babies, all under 2, were screaming? You can't go many places with them either. Restaurants are a nightmare, movies impossible, & trips to the mall exhausting. I think the skids will have a better time with us not being here. I'll be stuck in a van w/ 3 babies for 1200 miles. I don't even know how I'm going to use a rest area carrying all 3. Two of them stumble in different directions, & the baby is in an infant carrier. My DH will be enjoying time with his girls at the beach. Who do you think got the short end of the stick on this one? I definetly haven't made my DH chose his kids or me. I love him far too much for that.

"I did say a child losing a parent is right there with the pain of losing a child. I wouldn't agree if the the child is an adult though."

I guess I just don't understand or agree with this common sentiment that when someone becomes an adult as defined by legal age, that their connection with their parent becomes more-or-less a non-issue. It certainly *changes* (at least, let's hope so!) and the adult son or daughter doesn't need lunch money or their diapers changed... but the relationship continues to extremely important throughout life. It becomes more of a give-and-take, ideally more of a friendship, and as such it takes on a new significance and preciousness in the lives of both. Believe me, I am all about a parent helping their kids to be strong independent individuals who can meet challenges and beat them. But that doesn't necessarily involve a process of cutting off ties akin to kicking baby robins out of the nest forever. There are many, many things that we still need help from our parents for, even when THEY become the ones in diapers and were helping THEM with many things too. Even when we can take care of every last possible practical thing for ourselves, mostly we adult children need our parents' continued *emotional* commitment to us. Certainly the LOSS of that relationship would be emotionally very difficult at any age. If it wasn't any big deal, I would find that pretty pathetic and cold.

Serenity, I think as you become an adult and get older, losing your parents is expected. It's much harder on young children because they are so dependent on their parents. It's not the same as when you are in your 30's or 40's and even 50's. If you reach your 60's or 70's with you parent's, you are lucky. Depending on their health & family history, it does become something that you anticipate happening as an adult. That doesn't mean it's easy at any time, but it's not the same as a young child of 7 losing a parent.

Fine, GUESS WHO SAID Divorce worse than death(Several people told me)...See post of Feb 5 8.13... Unfortunately, there was no misinterpretation....Starting new thread now, Called ....Stepmoms only, if any one cares to be with the civilized people here...... BM Lurkers welcome, just dont post....Head to the I m on Prozac and Nobody understands me forum.....Bye bye Step/Bio forum

Just curious, and I ask this of the board with absolutely no intended provocation or sarcasm but b/c I think it's an interesting question:

Do you see a PARENT's pain at the loss of an adult bio-child as any more or less than the pain of losing a minor child?

Not asking whether you think the CHILD could handle it more or less easily but about how YOU would feel the loss yourself.

Serenity
I can see your point, but your mother/father didn't grow in your womb and the pain of their death is an entirely different hell. When the woman who raised me (grandmothers, I was 16) passed I thought I'd die and follow her to the afterlife. When my daughter passed, I knew I wouldn't because God wasn't that merciful.

When my mother passed, I was 10, it was difficult and I mourned forever it seemed, but at the same time it was easier for me because children do not feel the need to hide their grief from society and put on the happy/brave face for the world and I could do my grieving in peace.

I'm not saying in any way that losing a parent isn't traumatic or hurtful, but I'm saying that losing your child is so much worse. That's a pain and a hell I pray that none of you ever know because it is quite honestly a pain without words enough to express.

I'm sorry, maybe I'm being completely narrow-minded right now, but it's been almost 3 years and my grief is still as raw as the day it happened. The time does not fade this pain. My apologies.

No. Pain would not be any less if the child were grown because the parent still remembers that first flutter of life.

I think the only difference in losing a minor child would be all the milestones you missed witnessing. I imagine there would be some comfort in losing an adult child if you could say at least they were able to have a first kiss/go to prom/graduate/get married etc. I stop short of saying have kids as I think to lose my adult child and watch their child suffer would be horrible. I am thanksful each day that I have no first hand knowledge of any of this pain.

For more than five years, I co-facilitated a support group for bereaved parents. From my experience there, the loss of a child was excrutiatingly painful for the parents, regardless of how old the child was at death.

For Misty & hecallsmemom, the sentiments you have expressed here, echo what the parents in our group expressed. For them, the pain of the loss never lessened; they simply learned how to live with it. I heard someone say once in referencing the experience of a tragic event that sometimes things happen in our lives that are so traumatic we forever define ourselves in terms of "before" & "after." All the parents I worked with, who permitted me to share in their pain, expressed similar thoughts.

Serenity,
My father was 68 years old when he died suddenly of an MI. He was one of 8 children, his parents' oldest son. My father's youngest sister preceded him in death by about 10 years. She died of cancer. Their mother, my grandmother, was a very spry woman in her mid-90s when my dad passed so unexpectedly. Within 6 months she, too, was dead. My dad's brother, who was caring for my grandmother when she died, said in the days before she died, she began to mistakenly call him by my father's name. He was convinced she died of a broken heart, having suffered through burying her second child.

I don't believe there is any difference.

I don't think anyone can imagine or compare how they might feel in that situation. Nobody would be able to differentiate between the loss of an unborn, stillborn, infant, toddler, school aged, teen, young adult or middle aged child. The feelings each parent has is never going to be the same for two different people that suffer a similar loss. That's why the death of a child can destroy a marriage, if the parent's grieve or deal with it differently than each other. I think it is ridiculous to speculate on this. and it's adding insult to injury to a parent that has lost a child.

I don't know from personal experience as I have lost a young child. But I have talked with other Mother's who have lost their adult children & they found it just as devastating as I. I think in this situation you take the voices of experience. I think anyone who loses a child, the age of the child doesn't matter.
Hecallsmemom......I echo everything you say. The crying isn't as often but just as severe when it comes. I swear I could almost drown in all the gagging tears & saliva.

Misti,
I'm here if you need to talk. Seriously. My email address is peace396@yahoo.com. Please contact me if you need to, I'll even give you my cell number if need be. I'm always availiable.

I know the feeling on the tears. In almost 3 years, they've almost stopped, but the "bad" days never go away and on those days it's all you can do to function and the tears come in droves and the dreams are staggering.

Be strong.

My gosh.....the dreams. Always the same. It's always Brittani being away somewhere like at a friends house, a hospital, her Dads, school. She's always somewhere else & people haven't told me the truth that's she's really alive or there's been a big mistake. I then feel so relieved in the dream because we can have holidays again, her room can stay the same. Then I wake up to reality & it kills me. I took Ambien @ night for about the last 3 months because of those dreams. If you take Ambien, you don't remember them. I have gone about two weeks, except for the past 2 nights, without it. Being pregnant I didn't want to take anything so now it's a bit easier. Thank you. You be strong too. I'll email you soon.

On the original question,

I'd just like a 'Thank you' from BM. Thats all.

Dear Sieryn,

Its funny you say that. Yes, I always thank people who help with DD. And not that Dads GF doesn anything for or with DD, but if she, or future person did, I guess I would think that the person thanking her should be Dad. She is helping him fulfill his obligations as parent is how I see it. As opposed to people who hlep me. IMHO.

It's funny you think that way kkny. As a mom, I would be thankful my child has a good step parent, as opposed to having one that resents their presence. (and I do think there is a relationship between a the bio mom's attitude toward the step mom and how the step mom feels about the whole situation) If you have a step mom that is good to your child, you may not be obligated to say 'thank you' because you are right, she's helping your ex husband out. But, as a mom, I would be thankful to have a step mom in my kids life that doesn't treat them like second class citizens or discourage their father from seeing them. There truly are bad step mom's out there (just as there are bad mom's).

And when the BM is NCP, they should thank the person that does more for their child than they do. I feel the same way about an NCP father that lets a step dad support & raise his kids, doing the 'hands on' stuff. When you have a step parent in your child's life that isn't making your child miserable, but treating the child with love, then you should say thank you.

KKNY,

DH is very appreciative of my contributions in raising all five our boys. My point is BM is an incredibly uninvolved noncontributing BM. I have over the years picked up the slack so to speak financially, emotionally etc..with my 2 SS and it would be nice for her, just once, to be appreciative that I have been able to 'be there' for them when she was unwilling to.

See I don't view it as me helping him meet his obligations as a father, I see it as giving these kids a mother. I know I'll get flamed for that I'm sure.