What does your husband say? Do you pay CS to her? Is DH in favor of buying the gifts? I am a firm believer in whatever you want to do at your house, is your business. And the same goes for the BM at her house. She may be able to put in her two cents but it is your house and what you do there, is up to you & DH and he needs to communicate with her and the kids about this touchy situation.

If you want to compromise though this is what I might do in that situation: Keep a list of the things you want to buy the children on hand so that at Christmas, birthdays, Easter, or other holidays that you buy for, you can purchase those items for the kids while hopefully keeping mama bear's mouth shut. I think it was right for your husband to talk to the kids about the divorce and mom's behavior; I would have *him* talk to them in the same way anytime she puts the guilt trip on them.

I'm in the opposite situation as you: SS lives with DH & I full-time and BM doesn't pay child support and NEVER buys the child anything or if she does, she demands it be left at her house or be returned to her washed and pressed.(What a bunch of crap! Like she's going to wear a 12-year-old boy's hoodies, pants, and shoes.) She has never called to complain that we're trying to outdo her. I actually wish she would.

I also never had much when I grew up and my parents always made sure I knew the value of a dollar. I've raised my daughter the same way. My child and SS are completely different in that when we go grocery shopping, my daughter will go for cereal that is on sale while SS goes for the box with the highest price tag be/c he's never been taught the value of a hard-earned dollar. I fight with DH quite a bit over his spending habits as well as frivolous spending when it comes to his precious son be/c he's doing a disservice to the child by not teaching him there's more to life than a namebrand label or an expensive pricetag. Take for instance, a recent trip to Walmart to buy sleds resulted in a $40 bill for TWO sleds be/c the boy didn't want the round plastic saucers that only cost $4 a piece. He had to have the $20 board and $20 tube, which are now laying on the garage floor NOT being used.

I guess I'm trying to say that I can understand BM's feelings although she's going about it in the wrong way by guilting the kids. I also don't know her financial situation: Are her feelings unjust? Does she have a lot of money but squanders it? Does she receive CS? Is she being deceitful or can she quite honestly not afford to give them nicer things?

Glad you got the book! I hope it helps you to understand some things.

As for the question, we sort of have that situation in reverse. Bio Mom buys and buys.....her kids loyalty. She equates how much is spent on the kids with how much they are loved (and since we don't buy as much, clearly we can't love them as much!! Ugh!) It worked with her daughter, but not her son because he sees the strings attached and realizes there is a high price to pay for things she does.

Your situation is the opposite, but I guess I would ask you if you are sure that you aren't doing those things knowing that it may be upsetting for bio mom (please DO NOT take that as an accusation -- I'm simply stating what we have figured out from our situation). If you can answer no, and it is simply that you are able to provide more for the kids, then you should not feel guilty about it. You should not have to hold back because of her. I would say that the most important thing to do is to talk to the kids about it in a way they understand.....so they understand why Mom always makes them feel bad when they are so excited about things they have. Maybe consult a therapist on how to handle it -- not sure how best to explain to the kids. One thing I know my stepkids figured out is that if they tell Mom something good about Dad and stepmom, she reacts and they have to deal with her moods....so they learned not to talk about things with her. However, they're a lot older than your kids....so your kids will not likely have the maturity to recognize that pattern (though, not sure, which is why maybe a therapist is the way to go!).

Good luck. That stinks because if you genuinely want to share with the kids, you get accused of manipulation....kind of takes the pleasure out of it (not to mention watching the kids' excitement turn to confusion and upset.....)

In our case, the kids were told "I pay daddy child support so he can buy you everything... the 11 yo went on a rant a week before christmas he wanted a gameboy. told him a week before christmas you are not getting a $100 item .. "but my mom pays child support you have to buy me everything I want" "well why didn't you ask mom to buy you one when she wasn't paying support?" but when we do start receiving it you will get what you need not what you want .... the whole want need thing drives me nuts ... We have completely supported the children with out any financial help from BM the only things she paid for in the last year and a half were haircuts and lunches/breakfast at school $10.50 per week stopped paying in Oct. and told the kids again she pays support she can't afford to give them lunch money. She told them exactly how much she was ordered to pay. all the details. and that if she doesnt pay she will end up in jail daddy's going to put her in jail.

We buy what they need and what we want. If you want them to have it buy it ... Its her issue, he lives with you full time why shouldn't he have "stuff" If you don't buy him "stuff" she'll use it to her advantage no win situation.

We laid the guilt trip on mom ... I know mom gets mad when you tell her about stuff we buy ... but I think its because she wishes she could and can't afford to right now. Its not your fault she's just mad at herself and takes it out on you. Its not right but we can't change how mommy feels.

We use something along those lines with ours. The 11 yo would take it as we were picking on mom but the more we say it the more we enforce the fact that mom IS angry at herself not him or daddy.

The 11 yo and I baked cookies he was so proud of himself brought some to moms house she critized them (too crunchy). The 9 yo and I made chocolate hearts and roses wanted to give a couple to mom for valentines day... her response ... you know I don't like chocolate!!. NOTHING makes this woman happy. I told them both ... good that means more for you to enjoy.

Bottom line ... if it makes you happy do it. The memories of the summer they had on that inflatible slide outweigh the negativity she brought to it. And if you must stick to "holidays to buy gifts" there is a "holiday each month"

Jupiterj, I think they said it all even if their experiences are different. I went through the same thing you are going through and in a sense I still am. You know what I learned?

I learned that NOT MATTER WHAT I or my husband do, the children's mother will ALWAYS be unhappy and have something to complain about (unfortunately putting the children in the middle often).

I learned that the children can only benefit from the love you give them. For much of the time early on, the children's mother was so busy being angry; I can only imagine that the warmth they felt in this home has helped them overcome what was a bad bad spot (as well as with the support of their step-dad). Now, their mother lavishes them with affection and gifts....

...and I guess that's what's really the issue: the relationship the children have with you threatens her mother. This will always be a mystery to me, why bio-moms feel threatened by step-moms who love their children. Being a bio-mom myself I know that the bond that links me to my child is something undisputable; I welcome the love my child gets anywhere he gets it just as long as it makes him happy. But that's me... and I think my step-children's mother is beginning to feel the same too (although, I am afraid that "Divorce Poison" is going to have to enter my home as well).

The only thing I can say to you: children come in our life in many ways. If we are so fortunate to love them the way we do and give them what we weren't able to have, then THAT should be our only focus. In a sense, I consider us to be the "luckier ones" being that our struggle is not with the children but that we have someone saying that we "aren't allowed" to love as much as we do. I feel that I owe my allegiance to my family: my husband and my children are my priority (however these children entered my life). We have a complex family structure enough as is; I can't afford to be dealing with the imput from someone else that is inherently unhappy with me. Our kids got it (and they're on the younger side still, much like yours), they don't share much of the good with their mother... as a matter of fact, they share only the bad, which isn't good either, but that's a discussion for another post!

Good luck to you, let us know what you decide upon.

Thanks guys for your input. In answer to some of your questions. Yes DH pays C, and he has always said it's your money buy what you want, granted I don't go to extremes and believe me I don't. I don't buy things that often and when I do it's genuine I don't buy things to tick her off. I have just been fortunate all the way around the last 2 years, I took a great job where I make really good money, met the love of my life and his beautiful children and I just like to share what I have cuz it's fun for me to see them excited and happy that really is my only motivation. I love to hear them laugh, make them smile cuz I know they've been through alot the last couple years.
I think though I will start saving for holidays simply for the reason it takes them out of the middle and I hate to see them go through that.
Proserpina and cawfecup I am starting to think you are right I feel like she will always be unhappy with DH and I. And I also don't understand the concept that my relationship threatens her. My DH and I from the beginning have told the children that I would never try to take Moms place nor could I ever the bond you have with your mother is very special and very strong.....etc... and that I am just another adult like your teachers,coaches who really cares about you and wants to see you happy....etc....
I do not have bio-children of my own but think that if I was in that position yes I probably would go through diff emotions at times jealousy/resentment but I would never let the kids see that. I would bottom line be happy that they have another person to love them.
Well thanks again guys appreciate your comments!!

A friend of mine had a similar question so they had SD leave clothing and gifts bought for them at their house.. So they could still use it on visits and didn't have to pay the price when Mom saw something new.