My stepkids are a blessing!

13 years ago

I stumbled onto this site looking for advice on different topics pertaining to stepfamilies since I am a relatively new stepmom. But I have to say, I see way too many posts about how people hate their stepkids. I think that's horrible. I love my stepkids so much. I am so blessed to have them in my life. Are there things that happen that I don't like? Of course! But even if every day was a struggle, I could never hate them. I wonder if they were your own kids if there would still be all of these "hate" posts. I doubt it. I just think although we may not be "the" mother, we should still act like one and show our stepkids the love that we would show our own kids.

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Comments (40)

mom_of_4
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
there are a few posts like that on here but in reality this website has a core group of people that really love their skids (which is why i love this site) and offer really good advice. Those that say they hate their skids generally dont last long on this site unless they are dealing with grown adult skids that continually treat them terribly and hurt them beyond measure
yabber
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I was just about to say the same thing :-)

Have you had a good look at the difference between this forum and other ones? Maybe have a go at the people on those forums, just a thought!
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Mona, you're not crazy. I've had a little experience with what you're feeling. Older teen and young adult stepkids will sometimes feel threatened by a new family structure and they will try to assert control over activities and meals to "recreate" the old family structure. Often, Dad will pander to them because he's keen to maintain their interest in the family. However, kids can't run the family and we've had a few conflicts over the years, especially on vacations, when the big kid doesn't get her/his way. We've also had some problems with the big kid pressing Dad to spend money that he can't afford. You can solve some of this problem, to some extent, with advance planning. Prior to a visit, make sure that you and your husband have a plan in place for important meals (like Christmas dinner) and activities (like visits with relatives). If the big kids balk, be sure that you have an "out" for them so they won't cause problems (i.e. "We're taking baby to see Santa today at noon. You're welcome to tag along, or you can stay home and get some homework done"). Also, have a few pre-planned jobs in mind to keep them busy (i.e. they make cookies, wrap gifts or do a craft that you've purchased with the little kids). However, there will be times that you will just have to grit your teeth and bear it. That happened to me on Easter weekend when I was snafu'ed with an activity on Good Friday that I wasn't informed about and hadn't planned on. It didn't adversely affect my weekend, so I just smiled and went along. Rest assured, that the problem becomes less frequent as the big kids get older, and become occupied with their own careers and relationships.
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I don't want to repeat myself--so read what I posted last on this thread. Thanks to benicebekind (smile), I'll write a little about what happens when you 'take over' for another person--that is how you train other people to be dependent on you. What that can lead to is not good. A person that is fairly normal will resent another person from wanting or trying to 'take over' for them (that would be me). Some people like the challenge that comes with life and aren't all that agreeable to someone else thinking for them, or doing for them, etc. (that's me too) I don't want to ramble on about the entire subject, so let me give a couple examples. A friend of mine was complaining about his wife (a professor at a university) missing important appointments and forgetting obligations, being constantly unprepared, etc. It was creating all kinds of dilemmas and involving other people coming to her aid. Her lack of organization was affecting too many areas of their life. He was even concerned that not meeting deadlines for important things would have something to do with her not obtaining tenure at the university (no job). I suggested that she needed a secretary. Of course, that was an unhelpful suggestion because we knew that their incomes wouldn't support such an extravagance. The husband tried to help by purchasing a dayplanner and trying to keep track of things for her, etc.--calling her throughout the day to remind her of things and seeing her off early every day with a checklist to make sure she had everything she needed that day. He was even helping her with the on-line university course she had obligated herself to. She was constantly overextending herself--and that was partly because she had stopped being realistic about what she could/would handle. He was more concerned about her lack of organization than she was. He had helped her all the years she was studying for her doctorate, etc. He was finding life quite frustrating--trying to keep track of her responsibilities and his own. He didn't know what to do. You see, by taking care of so many things that his wife could take care of on her own, he had trained his wife to be dependent upon him. He just thought he was being a great guy--but now her lack of organization was affecting the family life and her professional life. After all the money sunk into her career, the thought of her not getting tenure was more than he cared to even think about. The same story could be altered some and apply to the experiences he and his kids were sharing. I can tell you that having known this person for all his life, he was a tremendous self-starter and achiever. What caused him to place tremendous pressure on his family to achieve--I don't know. His kids are nervous wrecks and someday will face the dilemma of never being satisfied with themselves. They will most likely perpetuate the pressure that was placed on them with the love of their life and their children too. When we try to take over for other people--we usually have good intentions--and we all know that we need each other--I'm not talking about the healthy kind of help and support we give each other. The inspiration and encouragement we offer each other is often the best and most we can or should do for each other. When we 'take over' for another person, the message given is that we do not believe in this other person; we do not trust this other person; we are insecure and have to take things into our own hands. These messages are demeaning to the development of a marital relationship and even more harmful to the development of a child/teenager/young adult. 'Taking over' for another person when that other person is quite capable or WOULD be quite capable if we would give them the freedom to make mistakes and take responsibility for their decisions and actions and feelings, robs another person of their dignity and causes the human soul to falter. Making mistakes and suffering the consequences is part of learning. When you step in to prevent a person from suffering (PLEASE--take this in the spirit I mean it to be taken), you are hindering that person from progressing. Have you ever watched the people in the office that are right there to do extra work to make themselves just about indispensable--looking for a raise or some favoritism? Waiting for their boss to think, what would I do without that person? So sometimes having another person dependent on us isn't all that bad. In our personal lives, it can be disastrous. The wife that wants to take the husband's previous partner on, so-to-speak, is trespassing. If the husband gets used to his wife taking care of his business (even tresspassing to do so), and even going over his head with the children, and even more than willing to 'take on' the relatives--is it any wonder that one day she hears herself saying how he just puts off doing things until time runs out and she has to take care of things? There are guys out there that have become so dependent on their wives, that they have just about stopped thinking. If there was ever a hint of being a leader--it goes away. No wife and no child will benefit from a husband or dad that does not take on leadership in his own life. How often I hear women complain that their husbands don't show them affection--well, what guy wants to make love to his mother. Think about it. It gives me the creeps, and it gives most guys the creeps. You have no idea. There might be a few places (ok, so there are allot of places) in our lives where a mother is great, but when the woman in our life starts to sound like a mother--willing and waiting to take over for us, wanting to think for us, wanting to do what we can do ourselves--well, you gals may not know what I mean--and a lot of guys haven't been able to put it into words, but take it from me--it is no good to play mama with your husbands. Financial problems--mostly the result of not having discipline. A wife wearing the pants wants this and that. Make wife happy and you'll be happy too. Is that the way it goes? So you can't afford to take your kids to the ball game cause you have a high mortage--cause you bought a brand new home and for no money down, and your are paying high insurance rates for that new car--cause you could buy it for no money down. And your kids all have new shoes and you've got nice furniture and you know that you are spending too much on your credit card--but you just don't have the cash. You hope nothing needs to get fixed, and you keep the speed limit--cause a speeding ticket will cause you to go over the edge. Your daughter wants to get married and you have no money saved. You end up going on pills for depression--or spend the food money on a drinking binge, or your mortgage money on gambling, or maybe you'll just go crazy and take it out on the kids and wife, or maybe you'll just give up--period. You would like to blame your mom and dad for not teaching you how to make decisions or have some control over yourself, but you've heard lately that YOU are accountable for your actions. Maybe you can get a wife who will say that all will be well if you will just let her think for you. So the role of being dependent continues in your life. Oh, and did you tell this woman that wants to help you raise your kids (pay some bills and cook and clean for you, etc., etc.) that she will have to continue to work till kingdom come to support your dependent soul? My folks would very often say, "Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you." I try to be the best person that I can be. I don't think about what's going to come back to me. I think my folks would like that I feel that way. Some people can't help it that they are dependent. You have compassion on those people. You accept them even though they can't help themselves much. You love them. But you don't let them mess with your soul. If they are stupid--you just take that into account, but you don't let them lead you, and you don't let them manipulate you. Enough said. Anyway, I've gone on too long. I hope I haven't offended anyone. Cheers
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justmetoo
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
--"Have you had a good look at the difference between this forum and other ones? Maybe have a go at the people on those forums, just a thought!"--

My thoughts too. I just went and did just that...took a look at the differences between several forums. Scary places with scary comments. One lady smacked her SS9 across the face and others responding cheered her on. Another had a desire to smack the %hit out of her SS and feed him fired cat turds. Again, gigle giggles from her admirers. Seriously, I can just imagine how well a few threads like that would go over here.

I've noticed that the "I hate_____" threads here run in cycles. I've also noticed in the few that pop up the original poster a good percentage of the time posts his/her first comment and then poofs. Never returns to the thread even when there are numerous comments going back and forth in the thread. I've got to wonder how many of these types of threads are nothing but 'bait' posting and/or how many thought this forum was going to be like many of the others where it's nothing but a *itch fest and posters seem to thrive on who can state who has the worse sk/s and who can drum up the most support for the horrid thoughts and actual things they say and do and think.

I also quickly glanced over several threads elsewhere where there appeared to be some really messed up kids out there being raised by some truly messed up parents/steps.

With that said, did you just stop by to hit and run, or did you have a backstory you'd like to share and/or helpful suggestions and ideas you think might benefit other steps here? In other words, what's the point in your post and why did you feel a need to start such a generic loose ended thread?
pseudo_mom
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Mine are too :)

Made me realize what a great job I did raising my own :)

And what great adults they have become.

Thanks for reminding me.
dotz_gw
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
MistyKate, I m guessing you are in your early 20s, not married yet, or if married together less than 1 - 2 years,BM is out of the picture or out of state, or you ve never met her..SKs baby , toddlers? Any of this true?
momof3_stepof1
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I love this site because it's not about hating our step children. The ones that say that I don't read. Unless it's the adult ones. I LOVE my step son like he's mine. He went to bm's Sunday for the first time since Christmas. I HATED leaving him there. She's just not right in the head. Most people here seem to love their skids and just have issues with BM. That's my deal. My ss's bm is a joke for a mom. BUT.... so is my son's dad. Now they both have a loving "mom and dad"....
mattie_gt
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Dotz, LOL!

"I just think although we may not be "the" mother, we should still act like one and show our stepkids the love that we would show our own kids." That does sound lovely. Unfortunately, part of "showing the love" as a parent involves making decisions for kids - the most appropriate schooling, proper medical care, perhaps religious instruction.... and that's three things that most step-parents have ZERO legal say in. Unless and until you've been in a position of having to sit back and watch with tied hands while one or both bio-parents go about methodically destroying a child's health, self-esteem, or morals, you might not want to be so quick to judge others. I suspect a fair number of "I hate my sKids" posters really mean "I hate what has been allowed to happen to my sKids. I hate what negligent or guilt parenting has allowed them to become. I hate that there's damned little I can do while these kids' lives deteriorate and there's precious little that I, as step-parent, can do to try to prevent this ever-nearing train wreck."
silversword
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I LOL'd at Dotz too...

I love my sd. She's great. Her mom's not so bad either.

I have more issues with my SM than any other s-relationship in my life.
parent_of_one
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I don't know anyone here who hates their stepkids. I don't know which posts OP is referring to...
imamommy
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"I suspect a fair number of "I hate my sKids" posters really mean "I hate what has been allowed to happen to my sKids. I hate what negligent or guilt parenting has allowed them to become. I hate that there's damned little I can do while these kids' lives deteriorate and there's precious little that I, as step-parent, can do to try to prevent this ever-nearing train wreck.""

I don't hate my SD but what Mattie says is SO true..... I hate what her mother has done to her & the person she is becoming because of it. I feel more sorry for her than dislike... she can be very annoying, but so was my oldest son. Still love them though.
myfampg
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I can't comment because I don't have skids but what I love about this forum is that I can see things through an SMs eyes to help me with my dislike of my child's SM..

Also... I love that I don't get attacked for being a BM on this forum and that most SMs can relate to my feelings individually as a 'normal' BM with a psycho SM and I can also understand and support SMs with Wacko BMs.

I have to admit that through the last few months of reading here and getting advice, my feelings in my situation have changed. My heart has changed and lightened. Although my daughter's dad and stepmom are never going to change, I find myself letting the little things go as I constantly remember the advice I've gotten here.

I love my stepfamily 'family'

I don't read the 'I hate my stepkids' threads because it hurts me to see someone say the same things my daughter's stepmom is likely saying about my precious little girl.
silversword
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hey Myfam... I agree. There are normal BM's with crazy SM's and normal SM's with crazy BM's and a couple of nuts BD's with the occasional a-hole SF.

Yep. we have them all here folks.

Actually, my family is pretty normal. There are no fistfights, no calling of police, no custody battles or real issues. I have it pretty lucky.

But that doesn't mean my SM doesn't drive me up a wall. And I'm perplexed as to why my SD's mom didn't tell me she had er... become a woman... and thus we were faced with being 100 miles from nowhere with a little girl who had personal issues that I had no idea about yet had to accommodate.... something I didn't mind, but a little forewarning would have made things much easier on me and on her bio-daughter. To say nothing of poor dad. LOL.

Being a SM is a privilege. My SM only cares about herself. It hurts. I would never do that to my SD. Children are too precious. They are little sponges.

What you put in is what you get out. Unfortunately with S-family situations there is very little control over what goes in...
yabber
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Myfampg your post makes me happy. You are doing so well, it must be so hard. I could understand if you'd feel tempted to continue to fight, but you chose to put your daughter first. Ending the conflict on your side is so powerful for you, hugs to you!!

You still put up a fight for her, but it's a different type of fight. One that comes from a good place, not an angry one. Your DD will really benefit from this, especially in the long run. So good :-)
lamom
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
LOL, Even I don't hate my soon to be ex-stepkids although they are not my faves right now. I spent years trying to be close to them and the grands and I still love the grands and like my SD36.

Mistykate, you need to read a LOT more of what is posted here. Stepparents love or try to love their stepkids. Now what they get in return, that's something different too often.

Just yesterday I was speaking with an acquaintance who is the BM and she "hates" her ex's GF with whom he already has two kids. She wanted to know my thoughts on what she should do to get her kids away from her ex and the Evil GF. I had to laugh and explain to her that I am soon to be an exSM and she might want to look a lot harder at her own children. And her ex as well instead of blaming the GF, who is the stereotypical evil SM in that scenario.

Oh, and didn't forget to mention looking long and hard at herself in that magic Disney mirror. Usually if the BM hates the SM/GF then trouble with the skids is GUARANTEED.
myfampg
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I don't think it's always that way. I had wacko stepmom's in my life and my mom was loving and caring and didn't sway me either way. But she still hated them -- I just didn't know how much.

My daughter has an awful stepmom who hates me and my daughter doesn't treat her bad. She's too young still. She is respectful and stays quiet because she is a quiet kid.. But sm hates her too. It's not always the BMs fault that SM is who she is.
parent_of_one
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
silvers, When I first read about "become a woman" I though oh my, how old is she and why do you need to know she is sexually active? LOL Now, I realize that you meant she started her periods. I never told SM either, I never knew I had to? I just told DD's dad.

Myfampg, of course it is not BM's fault. It certainly is not your fault SM is so evil. I wonder if your child gets older would she want to continue visits, probably not.

My DD had 2 stepmoms, well she has one, but she had the other one for 10 years while growing up. I LOVE them because they are willing to put up with ex, which I had no desire to do. hahah They are heroes in my mind. haha

Also after my ex met SM#1 (about 6 years after our divorce)he stopped making suggestions that we should get back together and that fact alone made me to appreciate SM. hahah "thank you for keeping my ex and giving me my life back" haha
myfampg
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Po1 lol!!! Haha seriously! I felt that way about Sm at first too bc ExDH kept begging me to come back and then it stopped. I actually was so clueless thinking AHHH relief but didn't know WHY. And then I was ok knowing he met someone. The downfall later was that Sm was a rebound and she knows this. She was privilege to all of ExDHs feelings and pain and anger and love ... That she has always seen me as a threat hince her non stop drama ... If she only knew how miserable I was while married to him she would have never felt insecure about us getting back together.

I think DD is starting to figure out she really does not enjoy visiting but there isn't much she can do right now. BD keeps pushing her away and I'm not sure why he is doing that. He fights so hard for his rights yet he cancels every chance he gets. For example: I offered this weekend as a make up weekend to him for time he missed with DD bc he cancelled and he never responded. So I have DD since it's my weekend. DD went over for her weeknight visit and his parents are in town visiting for the weekend but he didn't want her for the weekend to visit HER grandparents that live on the other side of the country. She has not seen them since thanksgiving. She was so disappointed to find out she would not be spending the weekend with their family. She only got one night. So now she is mad at BD and doesn't want to see him next weekend because she feels left out this weekend. She's learning.
lamom
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thought I would copy and paste this: This it says it all about stereotypical, negative thinking regarding SMs. The funniest element of this, oh, I'll let you all reread it yourselves.

"I had wacko stepmom's in my life and my mom was loving and caring and didn't sway me either way. But she still hated them -- I just didn't know how much.
My daughter has an awful stepmom who hates me and my daughter doesn't treat her bad. She's too young still. She is respectful and stays quiet because she is a quiet kid.. But sm hates her too. It's not always the BMs fault that SM is who she is."

Wacko, awful etc etc etc etc etc etc etc SMs. But even the loving BM hated them, the poster says she just didn't know how much. Speaks for itself.
jess3
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
OP I dont think any of us HATE our Stepkids. It was rough for me at first because I went into it thinking it would be like my best friend little girl or neices and nephews. We now have a pretty good relationship. When its just us they are great, when my DH is around they can have ugly moments and then I just walk away. I have learned a great deal about my role in their life. To say I should love them as if I was MOM, I think that is impossible. I am not a Mom and they have a Mom they love to peices. I have no say so in their schooling, activities, medical anything.
My DH's father called last night to chat with DH. The kids were at their house a few days during spring break so they were talking about the kids ect. My FIL told my DH that he should be so thankful and proud to have me as his wife because the kids really think alot of me. WHAT? I am still in disbeleif. They would never let me or DH know that. That let made me feel so good and let me know they dont hate me either. Around their mom they act like I dont exisist and they hate me and DH to make her feel better. Now I know they are just protecting themselves and their Mom. I have began to love them but I am careful not to get heartbroke also, we have beem through alot but I think we have an understanding of each other now.
silversword
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
PO1, I don't think the mom has to tell me... but if I were sending my DD off to the middle of nowhere (ie, no stores nearby, etc) I would advise the adult in charge if she had any physical issues that may need to be addressed while she is there.

That includes her menstrual cycle. What I meant by "me" is her father or myself. No one was told.

So SD was in pain and crying and saying she had cramps and it never occurred to me that the reason might be "natural". I thought she had something wrong with her.

I honestly think SD thought we knew. She seemed surprised we didn't.

If my DD were going to stay with Dad and WBSM and had her period I'd make sure they knew. Thank goodness SD had her own supplies because I sure wasn't prepared with anything appropriate and didn't ever imagine I'd need to be prepared when taking a 10 year old with me anywhere.

AND, on the whole "tell dad not sm" portion... I don't know what kind of a relationship your dd has with her father but my SD and I are pretty close, and there was no way she wanted her dad anywhere near her in the bathroom. Any "female" things go through me.

I'd be more than happy to be the side-casual-observer (*not mom) but in these situations I am the go-to parent simply because of my gender.
silversword
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
This is why people think we must hate our stepchildren:

Here is a link that might be useful: Check out the next to last post.
parent_of_one
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
DD has very close relationship with both her dad and me, she also has close relationship with SM, she always spent tons of time with dad, still does. But no, he is not with her in the bathroom when she changes pads, neither am I or SM. But does anyone need to be?????? LOL

Also plenty of men remain single, how do they take care of their kids? not everyone has a woman to rely on. My ex had no one for 6 years after our divorce, what was he supposed to do? Not take care of DD? Or not see her? Not a smart choice. What about widowers? Do they not take care of their daughters?

That's a shame no one said anything, but it sounds like SD is mature and intelligent enough to have her supplies and take care of herself, it was not her first time, she was clearly prepared. Good for her and for mom preparing her.

Also if she is that close and involved why didn't anyone know she got her period, it comes every month (could be irregular in the beginning). If she visits or is visited let's say monthly, her period would be known? Unless she never visits?

Yes it is weird BM said nothing but perhaps it is due to her not getting along with dad (the issue with visitations and claiming he didn't care about SD until he met you) so perhaps bad blood between them was the reason for BM not sharing with him.
silversword
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Oh no no no!!! I have to be in the bathroom when she changes her pads. So does dad. And my DD. Every time. It's a family affair. That was my point, of course...

Careful POO, your snark is showing.

SD is intelligent, and capable, and takes fairly good care of herself without any help.

But if you've ever been in the middle of a snowstorm in the middle of nowhere with a ten year old child who is CRYING because her stomach hurts so bad I doubt the first thing you'd think is "she must be on her period".

Mom doesn't need to say anything if she's an older child, a teenager. But ten years old is still a child. I'm sorry, but that's my opinion. This is something the adults in charge need to know.

It was frightening. And I couldn't care for her properly until I knew what was wrong. Her mother could have prevented the prolonging of her child's pain.

And, if her mother were available by phone that night it would have been simpler as well. But she wasn't. And dad was very ill and in bed as was my DD. So it's me. The adult in charge. Knowing nothing. In really bad weather, trying to make the best decisions I can.

Typical for a SM. Expected to be responsible, diligent, caring, and respectful that the child in my care is not mine. And yet, with little to no information with which to help the child.

It's sad.
parent_of_one
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I do agree that typically mom would share with dad, I know I did. I do agree if someone else's child that I barelly know and never see had stomach ache, I would not know what it is. But if it was my own child that I see regurarly, I would know.

Mom is in the wrong for not telling dad, but dad is not a babysitter. Not like she sent SD to a camp or a a babysitter, she sent her to a dad. He is supposed to be co-parenting his child, not babysitting. I think dad has his own faults in this story.

Also perhaps mom being busy raising a child forgot to inform dad about XYZ. Perhaps he could see his child more often, not only it would benefit his child but also would give her mom some break?
silversword
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
And dad's should just *know*, right?

There is no way a person could tell someone had their period simply because they live with them or are close to them. I know that my mother does not know when I have my period. Neither does my husband, who is as close to me as anyone possibly could be.

For goodness sake!

Who here would think that a little girl (age 10) who just ate dinner and had stomach pains would be having her period?

Dad FOR SURE has his own faults in this story. But I'm not talking about dad's faults. I'm talking about how hard it is to be a stepmother and not infringe on the mother's rights but still need to be responsible for her child.

And yes, I'm perplexed that this *perfect, busy, overworked* birth mother has time to call me up and discuss her own health problems, has time to call up and ask for money, has time to call and discuss the health problems of her parents...

but is too busy and forgets to mention that during her visit SD might be on her menses. And then, when I call her, does not call me back.

Your insinuation that he does not see his child enough is duly noted. You can "perhaps" your way around anything. For sure if he could see his child it would benefit her. It would benefit him too. I would like to see my SD more. And my DD misses her sister like crazy.

This is not an ideal situation. But there is more than one parent involved here, and my DH, while far from perfect, is not the villain.

When BM is in our town, she will drive right on through without telling us. Without giving us opportunity to see SD. Without even a 'hello'.

When I am going to Ex's town I give him as much advance notice as possible and let DD spend the entire time with him even though I would like to take her around my hometown and do things with her. Even though it's not in the divorce decree. Even though I have the right to that time with her I think it's more important for them to have a relationship.

When I send DD to see my family I tell Ex's family as well, and we work out a schedule so that everyone can see her. Even though it's not required. I think this is the best thing for my child, and that's what I want for her.

SD's BM feels different. She does not do the same. She keeps SD from her father as much as she can. And she also keeps SD from her cousins and grandparents on this side. She wouldn't even let SD come out when we knew her grandmother would be dying within a short time (yet was still "here" enough to communicate and not be scary for a child). Her grandmother passed away without SD getting to say goodbye.

SD has told me she didn't understand why her mother told her that everyone here hated her and didn't want to see her.

Horrible.

But yes, it's my DH's fault. BM's doing a great job. Poor, overworked BM.
momof3_stepof1
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Silver, I completely understand where you are coming from!!! When my ss bm still had custody she wouldn't tell us much of anything. She also would ask my husband if I could do things for ss, BUT when I would try to speak to her she told me that all communication would need to be between her and my husband. REALLY?!?! Then maybe she should think about doing such things herself for her son then to ask my husband if I can do things. I ALWAYS do and include my ss. I'm the one who has always gotten him his flu shots, eye exams, orthodontist appts, clothes, shoes, dr appts, ect ect. BECAUSE she is too irresponsible to do any of the above things. She asked my husband for me to do it. I try to speak to her about such things and I'm not allowed. Make sense? Not at all right? There are those of us who try to be wonderful step moms/bio moms and there are those who aren't.
parent_of_one
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
this is crazy, mom of 3, you are the one doing the eye exams, doctors visits, flu shots, she asked your DH for you to do it yet she complains, stupid. from what i see she does not have custody anymore, no surprises there. crazy...

silvers, sure mom had to tell dad, but there is such long history of dysfunction that it is hard to tell why didnt' she? you can't apply normal logic to this. Also if SD suffered from prolonged pain and SM tried to guess what it is, why didn't SD give her a hint, just a hint that she might be having somehting "you know what". Strange. My niece or cousin's child would tell me. The whole things is just strange.

I understand that she keeps SD from other family, it is crazy, wrong. but I don't see how she could keep SD from dad, isn't it against the law, wouldn't she be charged with contempt? No judge would allow it.
parent_of_one
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"I'm talking about how hard it is to be a stepmother and not infringe on the mother's rights but still need to be responsible for her child."

I thought more about this and that's where the issue is. This child is HIS as much as HERS. And when you are helping with her care when she visits, you really helping your husband because you and him are a couple, not you and BM. If you feel that spending time with SD is taking care of BM's daughter, then there is a problem. It is HIS daughter as well, he is her parent as much as the mother.
silversword
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
It is hard to tell why. That's why I said I was perplexed. I can't figure it out.

Yes, the child is DH's as much as hers. You're the one saying she only should have told DH, not me. I'm saying it's something I NEED TO KNOW if I am going to care for her. It's important to know if a child in your care has a medical issue. And that's what I consider menstrual cycles to be. A very minor issue that could become a bigger one. Big enough to mention.

But I don't want to step on BM's toes.

And no, I'm actually helping my SD's birthparents rather than just my DH. We are a family. I do feel spending time with SD is taking care of her BM's daughter and her BD's daughter. To pretend otherwise would be ridiculous.

She's not my daughter in the sense of me being the one to mold her. My job is to be a caregiver and to be a parent in as much as she needs or wants. My job is to support BOTH of her parents, not just her father. As long as I'm respected and the relationship is healthy for all involved.

So far, BM and I have yet to say a nasty word to one another. SD says her mother speaks highly of me. I have never once spoken badly about her mother to her and have done my best to support her relationship with her father and mother. I try to validate her feelings about her relationships with them.

So no, I don't think the issue is that I don't understand that my SD is HIS and HERS. That it's not just HER responsibility to raise HER child.

Remember? I have a DD who has a birthfather who does not live with us. I'm living both sides of this coin.
justmetoo
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
--"But I'm not talking about dad's faults. I'm talking about how hard it is to be a stepmother and not infringe on the mother's rights but still need to be responsible for her child".--

--"If you feel that spending time with SD is taking care of BM's daughter, then there is a problem. It is HIS daughter as well, he is her parent as much as the mother".--

I think the attempt to play on words turns the issue into a difference between really taking care of vs spending time with. In the issue being discussed Silver truly was for the evening responsible for this child...whoever child biological parents are.

Sure child belongs to both parents...but in this incidence BM has chosen not to co-parent with ex by not informing him child has not only started 'periods' but that she is having a hard time of it and experiencing rather difficult initial side effects from them. Dad is sick in bed...and clueless. Silver was not 'spending time with' in this situation...Silver was indeed 'taking care of' a ten year old child in such pain child was miserable and crying. Dad is worthless here not only clueless but indisposed, Mom is not available. It was Mom's decision to withhold the info...sure Mom had no way of knowing Dad was going to be sick and useless, but does not really change the fact that Silver is placed in the position by the Mom who chose not to communicate medical issues and is now to 'take care of her daughter' on her own.

Silver has no idea what BM has explained to child, how long child has been cycling, nor if this is the first time child has experienced such a difficult one. It's not a simple issue of Silver and SD were sitting down to watch a movie and/or play cards together and 'spend time'. Silver had a right to know what she was facing, why, and maybe even suggestions from Mom on how Mom helps SD through this rough time. Mom has decided it's none of Dad's business though Mom has no problem calling and communicating Mom's own health issues, her parents health issues blah blah. This indicates Mom may perhaps not think of Dad as a co-parent but really merely her daughter's babysitter inwhich she does not need to inform and or communicate child's personal issues...perhaps she deliberately has chosen to isolate the child's father yet expects him to know and react as a co-parenting partner in things she has chosen to exclude him from. Perhaps Mom thinks of this child as only 'her child' and has given this man little opportunity to act as child is 'their' child.

Come on, even if Dad should have known that daughter might one day within the next few years begin her cycles (been more aware), child is ten. Average age is 12. Even if he were to be a single father raising his daughter on his own and spent 24/7 with child and had prepared child for experience, bought supplies blah blah...the guy is a guy, he's never experienced a 'period'...never felt cramps, never had PMS, blah blah. He might have educated himself on subject and think/thought he was prepared and ready to go, but a guy can never truly understand nor feel exactly what a female may be experiencing her personal self. It's just not possible. I think it's fair to include also that all females are different and not all experience the same things in the same way...some children are more mature than others when they do begin, have an easier time of it and perhaps even have lighter more manageable cycles. Until a child/teen begins I don't think any parent can truly be prepared to know exactly what to expect. And there is no comparing one female's experience to anothers. That's like stating all apples are the same just because they are apples for example. All cars are the same and drive the same just because they are all cars.
myfampg
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I never realized that I was being attacked by Iammom.. Wow

I must have missed this post and you must have misunderstood me.
My SM#1 of 3 locked my brother and I in a bedroom all day while my dad worked. While her children were allowed to have freedom and snack and eat all day while we were only served rice. I neve heard my mom talk badly about Sm#1. She kept her negative comments to herself until we were adults and SM#1 was long replaced with a second and then third wife/SM.

My daughter's SM does malicious things to my child buy I don't rub off my negative feelings on to my daughter. I protect her from hearing my feelings. She has done things like tell my 9 yr old about my sex life (as if she even knows about my sex life). She tells my dd she is overweight which she is no where near overweight. She intentionally changes my daughter's hair as soon as she gets to their house if I have fixed it -- because she doesnt like how I fix it. She attacked me in front of my child and was arrested for assault and injury to a child. Is that enough? Not all SMs are this way but it's not my fault that she chooses to act in this manner.

My current sm is wonderful. She is loving and caring as well and cares about my family and about me... Doesnt have a mean bone in her body. So I can say NOT ALL SMs are that way. Reading these posts a lot of BMs are whacko.. But not all.
silversword
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thank you Justme. That's exactly how I feel. And my DH could be more involved. It is so true. I can't make his relationship for him though. Nor can I make his exwife allow us to see their daughter more. And I honestly don't think that going to court will make things better for the child. That's all I'm concerned with. Her quality of life. Fighting over her will not make it better.

And I don't feel like I'm babysitting. I feel more like an older sister/aunt. And that's how she treats me. We made it pretty clear between the two of us that 1) she already has a mom who is very present in her life and 2) I already have a baby who is very present in my life and 3) hey, we both think the other one is pretty cool and we enjoy each other's company so let's just have fun (to the extent that I am still the adult and you are still the kid...)

I honestly think SD thought her mom had told us. She had no problem saying anything to me once the question came up. I think she was surprised I didn't know.

I was SHOCKED. I was actually in physical shock for a day or so. I could not believe this little girl was going through this. And she LOOKS like a little girl. There is no reason one would look at her and say, yep, she'll be a woman soon.

I've never had debilitating cramps. So again, I never understood women who needed hot pads and ice packs and to lie down, etc. It was always a very minor part of my life.

I was thinking appendicitis or food poisoning or constipation. LOL. Meanwhile, the poor kid is saying "I have 'cramps' " and she's thinking I know EXACTLY what she's talking about because don't ALL women know what "cramps" mean??.

So thank you for understanding Justme. It's not always the SM's who are batty, and it's not always the BM's who are batty. It's really hard to co-parent no matter what relationship the other adults have to you and to the child. That's one big reason I try to be a support system for the kids and be as generous, kind and communicative with the other adults as I can so the kids feel safe and protected and loved and aren't caught up in worrying if they have to act like they love one person more or can't like another person as much or whatever.
silversword
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
lamom: "Usually if the BM hates the SM/GF then trouble with the skids is GUARANTEED."

Myfam, you were responding to this, right?

I think this is a typical cross-fire. It happens a lot on this board. You ladies are saying the same thing, I think.

Your mom didn't trash-talk your SM's but even so, your SM's were not nice women. Sometimes the BM is not a part of the problem. Sometimes it's just that the people who happen to be your SM are messed up in the head.

I think that what LA was trying to say is that a lot of times BM's will feel threatened (or whatever) and blame stuff on the SM's when they need to take a long hard look at themselves.
parent_of_one
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"This indicates Mom may perhaps not think of Dad as a co-parent but really merely her daughter's babysitter inwhich she does not need to inform and or communicate child's personal issues."

that was exact point of mine, you understood what i was trying to say. BM was wrong for not telling dad, but that's because of her line of thinking. With only few short visits a year he is not perceived as involved co-parent but more like a distant relative. That's their reality, is it justified, is it right? No, but that's where it stems from. It is HER daughter that occasionally visits her dad. She is not THEIRS in her opinion. What I was trying to say is that there is some fault of her father in all that. It is not as simple as mom hiding information.
myfampg
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thanks Silver -- actually a few posts above LA copy and pasted my comment about my mom and SM -- and basically pointed out that I was stereotyping stepmom's which in fact, I was only speaking of ONE stepmom and ONE current stepmom, not stepmom's in general ... Just wanted to make sure to *clear* that up. I actually respect stepmom's especially now that I have been reading more and more on this forum... I hate to hear how childish, territorial and I'll say it again *whacko* some BMs are... Because I am one.. Is it not stereotypical that most sites are for stepmom's and not biomom's and all I read on other sites are stepmom's/new wives saying how ugly, fat, lazy or what a wh*re their boyfriend or new husband's ex wife is... I rarely read how wonderful or what a great MOM a biomom is on most of the sites I have been to... So stereotyping typically goes both ways on these situations... I think the point of the original post is that this woman LOVES someone else's children and what a blessing they are in her life ... And almost everyone in the beginning posted how this forum is unlike most of the others where it's a stepkid bash fest and let's not forget a BM bash fest. This is the only forum I have been able to stomach because I was finding myself reading and reading and feeling more and more sick to my stomach on other forums... I know each situation is different but for the most part -/ there is not a lot of 'hating' going on here.
silversword
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sure Myfam. I can relate. I'm a full time BM and a part time SM. And a SD several times over. There is no "one size fits all". That's why I'm not on the side of the parent or the stepparent or about bashing the DH who "isn't there" because I know the other side of that, being a kid whose mother said "daddy doesn't care" and finding out she really just made him jump through so many hoops it was hurting me and he just frickin' gave up.

I know that perspective from a child. I know how that game works.

And, I know about neglectful dads. My sister had one of those. He was never there. So I know all about the guilt that comes from having a sister whose dad is never there and having a dad who tries his hardest to be there for me.

People, parents, can be messed up. No matter what role they are playing. One has to assume though, given no other information, that people are trying their hardest.... right?

@PO1: how dare you presume what this particular BM is thinking/perceiving/reacting to?? I can't even do that and I know the woman!!

Of course it's not as simple as mom withholding information. It's an incredible spiderweb of emotions that happened way before I got in the picture. How can anyone presume to know what is going on with either of them!!??

Frickin' parents anyway. DH and BM have their own issues. I try not to get involved. My focus is not on their issues but on how I can support my absolutely wonderful SD when she IS HERE. And part of that leaves me bewildered that her BM would be so frazzled that she would forget to tell me/us her DD is menstrating but would remember to tell us all about her hyperallergenic soap and spend no less than five calls per day "hi how are you here's your little sibling on the phone we miss you". blather.

I know how this works. I send DD out to her dad several times a year. And he comes out here. I know how to tell him the crucial stuff and somehow it all gets across. DD also spends time with other family members and somehow they all know if she has medicine to take or if she had a cough or to remind her to pee.

And let's not make this into "dad's a lousy guy" because I'm not taking any husband bashing right now. It's not about him. It's about simple communication. And if you can't get that, I have nothing more to say.
parent_of_one
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
well we establish that some exes co-parent and some do not. why? number of individual reasons. and I see you are doing great job communicating and BM does not do such a great job. OK. maybe DH could ask her to communicate to him more in regards to DD? Or maybe he could ask DD to tell him things since mom is not cooperating. I don't know what else could be done, not much we could do about our own exes let alone someone else's ex. It is a hard work to co-parent, not easy, takes a lot of effort.
silversword
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow. It's a breakthrough. Some are A and others are B. For different reasons. Call the psychological patrol.
mattie_gt
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"Is it not stereotypical that most sites are for stepmom's and not biomom's and all I read on other sites are stepmom's/new wives saying how ugly, fat, lazy or what a wh*re their boyfriend or new husband's ex wife is... I rarely read how wonderful or what a great MOM a biomom is on most of the sites I have been to..." Myfampg, I've thought that as well, and wondered where all the "normal" step relationships are - and decided that they're all out there doing something other than discussing issues on the internet!

If BM is a decent person who does her best, and SM is a decent person who does her best, and DH does his best - of course there will be flare-ups sometimes, and perhaps bickering and petty irritations, but overall the relationship should be decent. I've had disagreements with my brothers from time to time - but I don't join a forum where I can discuss fraternal problems because I don't have any that are of any importance!

I have seen some of the sites you are talking about though, where BM is called vile names for apparently no reason. For no definable reason I always suspect that the SM's there are "the other woman". I don't understand that level of animosity - if BM treats kids fine but treated DH horribly while they were married - well, he's an adult and there are two sides to every story. That would have nothing to do with me.
parent_of_one
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
great points mattie, I don't necessarily think that people post here because they have "abnormal" family dynamics (although some might) but also because stepfamily situation is a delicate topic. It is generally difficult to share it with people in real life. It might be perceived wrong.

Well about brothers. For some people situation with siblings might be so difficult that they would want to join forums. I have no interest to post anything about my mother because there is just nothing bothersome about her. Yet other people would be joining forums talking about their mothers because it is the most traumatic experience in their life. I knew someone who was estranged from all 5 siblings, sure she was probably on that type of forum.

I also think people might be joining particular forums because they have no one with that experience in real life. I personally joined this one because NO ONE in my family was ever ever divorced/remarried/in a relationship with someone with kids. I have no one in real life to ask anything in regards to any of the step/blended issues. No one is familiar with it.

Reading here also helps to put things into perspective.

As about BM, until i actually had to deal with her I thought she was fine. I stopped thinking she was fine after she accused me of stealing SD's credit-card and it just went down hill from there. I found it very hard to like her when SD hysterically cried on my shoulder at her own wedding embarassed of her BM's behavior. Hard to respect BM like that. But I agree what they did while married is not our business, I can't care less.

My stepkids are a blessing!

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