Want my stepkids to live with us but my hubbies avoid the topic

organic_maria

I'm new to this site but i've posted several times before. Quick history, i met my husband 10 years ago through work. We were friends. Both of us had our partners. I met up with him again 4 years ago. Found out he was divorced for a little over 2 years and i was single. We hit it off great. I met his kids (one girl now 11 and one boy now 8) a few months later. We had our adjustments. Especially his daughter. But all went well regardless. He got married last year and now have a newborn baby boy. Which the kids are CRAZY about. And even though i have a few problems surfacing with the SS...I would like them to live with us. I would feel more complete than seeing them every second weekend. And its great for our little guy too. The house is full when they are here and my husband is happy. And i really like that. It feels empty when they do leave.

The problem is that everytime ibring up the topic....he avoids it. He gets nervous. i know he loves his kids. I just dont know why he doesnt' want them here. Maybe someone can shed some light??? His daughter is demanding to live here and he is saying wait a few more years.....

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Vivian Kaufman

You can't force it on him, and as long as the mother is doing an okay job with them there's no reason to do it.

If he says 'no' and the children aren't in any danger with her, then you have your answer--anything else is manipulative.

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organic_maria

I know i can't force him. And i haven't brought it up to him in a while. I respect him if he says no then its no. I just dont understand it because he complains about not being able to discipline them and i've told him countless of times that he's divorced , he agreed to the terms of the divorce. I'll support him emotionally but he cannot keep chasing his tail so to speak.
We just got a registered mail from his wife demanding money she is not entitleed to and she accused him of phycial injury during their last encounter. Which is not true. She was holding the car door from him and preventing him from leaving. He was not on her property but on public road. He was trying to close his car door and she held on to it. So he let go and she stumbled back. her kids were not there to witnes the fighting cause my hubby told them to go into the house.
I've had enough. I told him, no speaking or contact with her since they cannot behave . To honk teh horn when he is to pick up the kids adn any communication with her is through email. That way we have a paper trail .
I'm just stressed and i have to learn to ignore and just keep focusing on my life. Now i think i know why he doesn't want his kids. Maybe she wuold be harassing us everyday with phonecalls....and i dont think he wants any contact wiht this woman.
I just dont want his daughter to feel unwanted because he is sayign for her to wait a few more years adn doesn't explain.

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organic_maria

Vivian i'm also having another issue. My husband does nothing when his exwife sends him registered mail accusing him of doing things in front of the kids. He does nothign in front of them and yet wont defend himself with her at all. Ive been asking him when he will check his email for the lawyer stuff and he keeps saying later...but you see..this man procrastinates badly. What i'm worried is if the ex progresses and accuses him of physical abuse towards her and he will jsut sit there and not defend himself! Its driving me NUTS! If i had a letter accusing me of something i did not do i would defend myself. I've told him to fix the situation before it worsens and he is just sitting there. He's doing it on purpose for the office to close and that way it will stretch till monday.
He is really gettin me angry about doing nothing.
And yet it should not be my business because it is his stuff to handle. But what happens to me if he whines up in jail for false accusations??!!! i know she would have to prove her case. He's not violent . shows no tendancy..just teh opposite. Submissive or just nonresponsive. laid back.

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Vivian Kaufman

Like so many others, he practices the fine art of avoidance.

"Ignore it long enough and it'll go away."

We all know that they don't.

I married one of those too, and were it me, I'd get my butt on the phone and call the lawyer. It IS your business as well and I would want to find out. I know that it wouldn't be the "right" thing to do, but I don't know that I could stand not knowing. The more you nag someone like that, the less likely it is that you're going to get them to take care of it.

Sorry if others don't agree, but that affects you and your family and I'd be taking care of that situation quick--even if it means going over my husband's head.

Our ex-wife will take on my husband, but she will NOT take on me. She knows I'm not a pushover. Maybe it's time you took a stand for your family.

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organic_maria

Yes, you are right. I nagged him the whole day today adn he finally went to the computer and wrote an email to his lawyer. The thing that i saw is he couldnt' express himself very well. then after he sent the send button and turned to me (which suprised me) and asked what next. i told him to send his ex an immediate registered letter stating the amount owed with a check for only extracurricular activities also i can help with that. So i sat down and wrote out a legal document pertaining to her letter and basically stated he is paying for extra activities but not for dental. It clearly states in the contract that she has insurance and he only pays for medicine. not dental. So that money will be withheld and discussed along with other issues with lawyers. i also defended him for the accusation of physical injury which did not occur and stated her verbal and physical aggressiveness must cease or legal action will be met.
So in that sense, i feel as though i've been empowered to help my husband.
And yes. If he did nothign by monday, i know it would have been wrong but i would have gone over his head. i told my husband it is stressful and i will not take her sh*t! By the way. She avoids me when i go up with my husband to pick up teh kids. She doesn't dare step out of line. But when i'm not there, its free game on my husband. Well this letter is being sent by monday afternoon. i also told my husband i want a restraining order on his ex. and if he didn't do it within a certain time frame i will go ahead and file one myself.
Thanks for listening..i know i can be longwinded.!

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verenap

It is quite possible that your husband is afraid that if he rocks the boat, by responding (or by going for primary care of the children) that she may react in a way that will stop him from seeing the kids. This really isn't something that is an unrealistic fear. My DH filed for joint custody with full weekend access (as opposed to no custody with one six hour visit every three weeks) and the ex responded by blocking his access for the past 3.5 years. Your husbands telling his daughter to wait for a couple of years is not a bad idea. Most places allow a child to decide where they want to live when they are twelve or thirteen, regardless of the other parents feelings on it. (Unless they have evidence that proves the other parent is unfit.) However, if your DH tells DD that in two years she can come live with you, and that gets back to mom, mom may cut off access to disrupt the relationship and cause her to not want to come live with you. (A year or two of no contact while telling her/them "Your dad doesn't want to see you anymore, he has his new baby and has moved on" etc.)

The accusation thing is truely frusterating. I understand. But you can't stop her from making writing her letters. Your DH can either stop signing for them, send her a constructive reply via registered mail (ie: Dear _____, On ________ day you sent me a letter stating that you were concerned I had _______ in front of the kids. While I am not sure what has caused this concern, I can assure that I have not _______, as it would not be in their best interest. If you need to discuss this further, in order to ease your fears, I would be willing to meet at ______, _______, or _______ day/time. Please confirm if this is needed, and what day works best for you. If required I will have a third party present to help mediate. Sincerely, ____________), or just ignore it...which seems to be his preference.
If the accusations ever get to the point where you are concerned he may be arrested (fortunately the children are old enough that they can give statements), make sure he is always polite with the police.
My DH has been falsely accused of numerous criminal acts by his ex, but the police/judges/etc. are starting to recognise where the problem truely lies. We've always been polite with them, complying fully, and even appologizing for her actions. We receive roughly quarterly calls/visits from the police, because of her complaints (in fact we're about due for one now...) but DH has never been charged, because he's never been guilty. They aren't stupid, and they know when someone tries to manipulate the system for their own gain. The last time the judge warned her about civil harrassment, and the police officer thanked us for our willingness to co-operate, and said 'everytime she calls you name is always the first thing out of her mouth'.
If it ever goes that far, have faith. Police have to investigate complaints, and it's kind of embarrassing when they show up at your door, and the neighbors are wondering what's going on (I've found complete transparency works best for us...let them know that crazy ex is just trying to stir up trouble...then every time after that they just say 'what a woman')...Remember the police are just doing their job.

Good luck...I wouldn't push your hubby too hard about having the kids move in. All in good time when mom no longer has a say, so you don't have to go through a costly and possibly messy court dispute. Sometimes it's better to not show your cards before you're ready to play them.

Kind thoughts,
Verena

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organic_maria

Verenap,

Thank you for your advice. Its been very helpful and i hope we dont start having police visits. If it starts i will press harrassment charges on her immediately. A law came out april 2004 with very strict law pertaining to harassment in detail. But something tells me with her drug addiction she rather avoid police all together. Because she knows i will turn around and spill the beans on her.
I did right a legal letter to be sent registered on her behaviour. Her verbal and physical aggression must cease or she will be repremanded.
We wil see what unfolds
As for the kids, we have had very open communication and his daughter knows her mother very well. What the ex is doing now is instilling fear in them of her. That way they wont leave. But i'm sure when his daughter gets old she will tell off her mom. She has that nature about her. She is defending us now. And what his ex doesn't knwo is her daughter ease drops on conversation and hears her schemes. Inthe long run, that ex willget what iscoming.
I just worry if she does something to my new family. Its a mothers worry.
Last night she was scremaing at her daughter.
gotta go! everybody is up..which means...BReakfast and some good strong coffee!:)
Maria

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brass_tacks

Just want to step in on this conversation...hope you all don't mind.

Here is something to consider--if you are trying to help a person change--you don't do what it is that you want them to do.

For all you young ladies that want to train your husbands (and kids), just remember that you are training them to be dependent on you by taking over. If you don't know what that leads to...I sure can tell you... from experience :)

Men (and lots of women) don't like to be handled that way. I like to feel that I am trusted enough that I get treated like I know what I'm doing. Sometimes I might not look like it, and sometimes I might actually be taking too long to do something--but by gosh...I like to handle my own business.

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bnicebkind

brass tacks...please explain in more detail of your experiences regarding dependence in training kids and husband, and what it leads to. There is no better teacher than experience, even if it is someone elses!

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organic_maria

i'm not into training, way too much energy. And i'm really tired these days with his ex and now with the supreme court ruling. I just feel like blended families are being disregarded from that ruling. Now we will have a long court battle to decrease the payments to his ex cause my son is born.
What worries me the most is the ex's aggression towards her own daughter. My SD last night called and spoke with her dad. She got into a fight with her mom. Apparrently she mom is calling me a liar and yet doesn't explain. My SD is defending me tooth and nail. I've done alot for this family. My husband when i first met him was falling hard financially. So i didn't mind helping me, i love him. But it is draining. And i'm so tired. I just wish divorcees would just get along and let go of all there jealousy and pettyness. I was in tears last night. and still am. I've done nothign but good to these kids. Help them with there homework adn project (which the ex has thrown in the garbage at times) I've cooked , taken them out to movies, parks, watched and played games with them. Taught my SD how to sew. did our nails together. And now the ex calls me a liar. I just dont understand. What does she want me to do. Treat her kids like Sh*t?
I will continue as i have and must ignore. But everything has really gotten to me lately. Now this supreme court ruling has come in and god knows what will happen. My hd doesn't earn as much as his ex. So i dont know how that is calculated. But i worry for the future. i want a house. i don t want to live in a apartment building for teh rest of my life. I would liek a house for me , my son for my husband to get old in. And i just feel that now everything is against me and only a miracle will work.
I'm now thinking of getting a second job. But i tried that once and they tax you so badly.I dont know what to do anymore...i've reached a low point int he past week. adn i'm soooo tired.
Brass tacks, my husband is really bad at Procrastinating. I mean ...bad. He is the type who will avoid until he thinks it goes away. So if i want things done, i must do them myself. I was pregnant last year. He had more than enough time to take his ex to court to lower the payment. Instead my son is now 9 months old. And i had to scream at him and threaten him for him to start sharing in the payments of diapers, food etc....i only get 55% of my salary. i pay the bills to my apartment, rent and support my son. i didn't make this kid by myself. My son deserves his share. I just feel jipped. And i'm always trying to keep my head above water. And right now a wave has hit me hard.

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verenap

Maria...I understand how you are feeling.
The ex calling you a liar...try not to let it get to you too much...reality is she's likely insecure in her position as a mother, she likely see's her (MANY) shortcomings, and when she learns that SD likes you, wants to spend time with you...that you're willing to take the time to help your SD when she herself is not...I think that likely has hurt her pride...she's insecure, and she doesn't want 'HER' (because they seem to disregard the fact that there is another parent, aside from herself) daughter to like you. If you were a b*tch to SD then she wouldn't 'have' to worry about assinating your character. Take it as a sign that you're doing a great job, and know that SD is old enough to not believe moms lies.

At our last visit, three and a half years ago, SD was asking daddy when she could come stay over night...she also ran up and gave me a hug...the first one ever...while we were all playing in the living room. (That's the memory that I cling to, it's the one that keeps me fighting when it feels like I can't go on.) I have a suspision that SD went home and told her mom about the fun they'd had with 'Daddy and Vraina' and that's what made mom flip. (Because they weren't home five minutes before she took SS to the hospital for drug testing.)
You are right...they need to grow up and see the double standard they are creating...While our ex has the kids calling their SD 'Daddy', (While she was obnoxious on the point that they weren't ever to call me 'Mommy' - something that we never asked or expected them to do anyway) and she is all please that, according to her the kids love him, she has them calling DH 'Bad Daddy' or by his first name. I don't understan why these women can't just be happy, and understand that their kids are fortunate, because after all they've been through at the hands of their parents, they now have extra people in their lives who genuinely care about their wellbeing.

This SCC ruling has me pretty worked up too. (Posted my thoughts on it on the other thread). We may very well have to file for bankruptcy now...as it was we were putting the groceries and three quarters of the bills on credit cards...for the past six months...in the last six months, we have gone from having no credit card debt (though we did have a large line of credit) to having out CC's maxed as well as the LOC. Last month, the phone, power, gas, and town utilities weren't paid, because we couldn't. We fortunately have our own house (or rather the bank has a house and we have a payment...) which we were able to get at 0 down, because of DH's impecable credit rating. If we file for bankruptsy...I am worried that, in two years when the term is up, with a ruined credit rating, our interest rates will go up on the house and we may not be able to keep it. It's so frustrating!! There is supposed to provisions in place to protect second families...but they do not work, because child support ammounts do not take into account the household incomes of both the payor and recipient, just the income of the payor.

Verena (barely floating)

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organic_maria

Thank you. I'm still feeling blue. But i'm sure it will pass. You are right. My husband says the same thing. She is a very insecure woman who does not want her daughter to love or like me in any way. i'll continue doing what i've done.
We cannot buy a house cause my hubby just cannot support a mortgage. It would be entirely left to me. Andi'm a bit scared. It interesting what you say about the child support payments. Because the calculation is based on both parents income. Long calculation taking into account liabilities on both sides as well. Including rrsps etc.e.tc...The lawyer did a rough draft based on a guess amount of her salary after 5 years of divorce. She told us it would be cut by 150-200 a month. And if she earned more that 40k then it will be reduced further. My husbands has no assets and has plundered all his rrsp just to stay afloat. i have a good job and i dont smoke. Which means a good amount set a side. But i'm just so tired having the weight on my shoulders. And worried what will happen if i ever lose this job. i'm the breadwinner in this family.
to top it offf my husband is horrible at managing money soi do that as well. Pay the bills, clean the house , cook....i'm just so tired. I just feel it will never end. And he does jack up his credit cards for food and bills and didn't tell me anything. WHich i got so MAD! His credit sucks! and mine is impecable. I never knew that about him even after dating for 3 years. But i love him and i've chosen my path. And you are right.....for his ex to be pist off means i must be doing something she is unable to do. And yes, i just dont understand why these woman cannot be happy. She even has common law husband and she is still miserable!
I really hope you do not lose your house. That is my nightmare if we get one. This why i'm holding back until i save enough money to put a large payment and have a small mortgage.
But if you file for bankrupcy..i mean just your husband, and he then is a dependant on you, there will be no childsupport payments. i know its not nice but you have to survive too.

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brass_tacks

I don't want to repeat myself--so read what I posted last on this thread. Thanks to benicebekind (smile), I'll write a little about what happens when you 'take over' for another person--that is how you train other people to be dependent on you. What that can lead to is not good.

A person that is fairly normal will resent another person from wanting or trying to 'take over' for them (that would be me). Some people like the challenge that comes with life and aren't all that agreeable to someone else thinking for them, or doing for them, etc. (that's me too) I don't want to ramble on about the entire subject, so let me give a couple examples.

A friend of mine was complaining about his wife (a professor at a university) missing important appointments and forgetting obligations, being constantly unprepared, etc. It was creating all kinds of dilemmas and involving other people coming to her aid. Her lack of organization was affecting too many areas of their life. He was even concerned that not meeting deadlines for important things would have something to do with her not obtaining tenure at the university (no job).

I suggested that she needed a secretary. Of course, that was an unhelpful suggestion because we knew that their incomes wouldn't support such an extravagance. The husband tried to help by purchasing a dayplanner and trying to keep track of things for her, etc.--calling her throughout the day to remind her of things and seeing her off early every day with a checklist to make sure she had everything she needed that day. He was even helping her with the on-line university course she had obligated herself to. She was constantly overextending herself--and that was partly because she had stopped being realistic about what she could/would handle. He was more concerned about her lack of organization than she was. He had helped her all the years she was studying for her doctorate, etc. He was finding life quite frustrating--trying to keep track of her responsibilities and his own.

He didn't know what to do. You see, by taking care of so many things that his wife could take care of on her own, he had trained his wife to be dependent upon him. He just thought he was being a great guy--but now her lack of organization was affecting the family life and her professional life. After all the money sunk into her career, the thought of her not getting tenure was more than he cared to even think about.

The same story could be altered some and apply to the experiences he and his kids were sharing. I can tell you that having known this person for all his life, he was a tremendous self-starter and achiever. What caused him to place tremendous pressure on his family to achieve--I don't know. His kids are nervous wrecks and someday will face the dilemma of never being satisfied with themselves. They will most likely perpetuate the pressure that was placed on them with the love of their life and their children too.

When we try to take over for other people--we usually have good intentions--and we all know that we need each other--I'm not talking about the healthy kind of help and support we give each other. The inspiration and encouragement we offer each other is often the best and most we can or should do for each other. When we 'take over' for another person, the message given is that we do not believe in this other person; we do not trust this other person; we are insecure and have to take things into our own hands. These messages are demeaning to the development of a marital relationship and even more harmful to the development of a child/teenager/young adult. 'Taking over' for another person when that other person is quite capable or WOULD be quite capable if we would give them the freedom to make mistakes and take responsibility for their decisions and actions and feelings, robs another person of their dignity and causes the human soul to falter.

Making mistakes and suffering the consequences is part of learning. When you step in to prevent a person from suffering (PLEASE--take this in the spirit I mean it to be taken), you are hindering that person from progressing.

Have you ever watched the people in the office that are right there to do extra work to make themselves just about indispensable--looking for a raise or some favoritism? Waiting for their boss to think, what would I do without that person? So sometimes having another person dependent on us isn't all that bad. In our personal lives, it can be disastrous.

The wife that wants to take the husband's previous partner on, so-to-speak, is trespassing. If the husband gets used to his wife taking care of his business (even tresspassing to do so), and even going over his head with the children, and even more than willing to 'take on' the relatives--is it any wonder that one day she hears herself saying how he just puts off doing things until time runs out and she has to take care of things?

There are guys out there that have become so dependent on their wives, that they have just about stopped thinking. If there was ever a hint of being a leader--it goes away. No wife and no child will benefit from a husband or dad that does not take on leadership in his own life. How often I hear women complain that their husbands don't show them affection--well, what guy wants to make love to his mother. Think about it. It gives me the creeps, and it gives most guys the creeps. You have no idea. There might be a few places (ok, so there are allot of places) in our lives where a mother is great, but when the woman in our life starts to sound like a mother--willing and waiting to take over for us, wanting to think for us, wanting to do what we can do ourselves--well, you gals may not know what I mean--and a lot of guys haven't been able to put it into words, but take it from me--it is no good to play mama with your husbands.

Financial problems--mostly the result of not having discipline. A wife wearing the pants wants this and that. Make wife happy and you'll be happy too. Is that the way it goes? So you can't afford to take your kids to the ball game cause you have a high mortage--cause you bought a brand new home and for no money down, and your are paying high insurance rates for that new car--cause you could buy it for no money down. And your kids all have new shoes and you've got nice furniture and you know that you are spending too much on your credit card--but you just don't have the cash. You hope nothing needs to get fixed, and you keep the speed limit--cause a speeding ticket will cause you to go over the edge. Your daughter wants to get married and you have no money saved. You end up going on pills for depression--or spend the food money on a drinking binge, or your mortgage money on gambling, or maybe you'll just go crazy and take it out on the kids and wife, or maybe you'll just give up--period.

You would like to blame your mom and dad for not teaching you how to make decisions or have some control over yourself, but you've heard lately that YOU are accountable for your actions. Maybe you can get a wife who will say that all will be well if you will just let her think for you. So the role of being dependent continues in your life. Oh, and did you tell this woman that wants to help you raise your kids (pay some bills and cook and clean for you, etc., etc.) that she will have to continue to work till kingdom come to support your dependent soul?

My folks would very often say, "Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you." I try to be the best person that I can be. I don't think about what's going to come back to me. I think my folks would like that I feel that way.

Some people can't help it that they are dependent. You have compassion on those people. You accept them even though they can't help themselves much. You love them. But you don't let them mess with your soul. If they are stupid--you just take that into account, but you don't let them lead you, and you don't let them manipulate you.

Enough said. Anyway, I've gone on too long. I hope I haven't offended anyone.

Cheers

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organic_maria

Brass tacks,

i dont think you have offended anyone. The advice you give is strong , hard and honest. And what you wrote here is all true. i dont like taking over, i don't like have to be in the position to take over. But in soem instances i have no choice. I have to pay the bills on time. So i deduct my portion of that from rent which he is responsible for. I refuse now to pay his credit card. Let him fall on his face for that. And now a days i have decided not to break my back cleaning everything because wheni go back to work, he will expect me to do all cause i did it before. I understand your point clearly. But there are certain things i will do and the rest i must let go and make it clear we have to work as a team. I'm not his mother, maid or slave. I'm his partner.

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verenap

Brass Tacks, Many good points, though I do have one comment. You said "Financial problems--mostly the result of not having discipline."

While I can agree that there *can* be a lot of truth to this, it is not the case for us. (And I don't think we're the only ones in this position.)

Yes, we bought our house at 0 down, but only because we were living paycheck to paycheck because of the support obligations, and couldn't save a down payment. Instead, we bought an old house that needed some work, a 90K house, with payments that equalled the rent we used to pay (pay it down as fast as you can without committing more than you can afford), we both have our own vehicles, but combined they cost less than 4K. (Both fully paid for several years ago...no unnecessary upgrades here.) We don't smoke, don't eat out (DH does when he's away working, but he doesn't have an option there), don't have satelite, (we do have the internet, but if I suddenly disapear from here, it will be because it's about to get the axe), we don't gamble, we don't shop...I'm down to two pair of jeans and one pair of dress pants, and the one pair of jeans aren't fit for public. I haven't bought clothes...any type of clothes in over a year...I'm still wearing hand-me-down shirts from JR High...and not because I love them. All of DS's clothes are either 2nd hand or gifts...I like to garden, but aquire most of my plants from divisions of friends, or starting things from seed. I even make all our bread by hand, to save money. We're hardly squandering it (no jewelry stashes either), so why is it that we can hardly make ends meet?? It doesn't make sense to me. I AM home full time, but by the time I paid for daycare, bought prepackaged meals, and paid for gas and clothes to work in, I'd be farther behind anyway. (Plus I'd miss out on the joys of watching my little guy grow, and he'd miss out on being raised by his parents.)

I just don't get it...The system is screwed, when it causes one family to live in poverty (despite the fact that DH works extremely hard), because they are paying exorbident ammounts of money to a family that is already living comfortably. I'm not saying that DH shouldn't support his children financially...I just think the guideline ammounts should reflect 50% of the costs of feeding and clothing the children...not 100% of feeding, clothing, and paying their mortgage. Fact is, (if we were seeing them) DH has to provide a roof over his own head, and he need to have it for them as well. He also needs to have beds for them, toys for them, he has to have everything here...if he didn't, she could stop his access (if we were getting any) based on the fact that he didn't have adequate shelter/provisions for them...then in the same way she should be responsible for having a roof over their head, beds, toys, and take responsibilty for 50% of feeding and clothing them. If she cannot or will not do that, then she should not have care of the children, send them to us. She can have access...we won't even ask for support. (IT DOES NOT COST $350 per child per month to feed and clothe them!!...We use less than a $100 to feed clothe (and diaper) a family of three...how? I'm resourceful...and very careful with every penny.)

On one hand they cry 'poor me, I have so little, and I can't work because I have the children all the time' (Or I have to put so much into daycare because I have them all the time) and meanwhile there is a father sitting there, forking over great gobs of cash, living on a quarter of what he gives, after the mortgage is paid, and wanting to have more time with his children.
I stongly believe, that unless a parent is found to be unfit...by trial, with a jury...then both parents should automatically be granted 50% residence with the children, and each be responsible financially for the children while in their care. If they wish to forfiet that, and give up their time, then the two parents can work out a seperate arrangement. It shouldn't be the courts place to award sole guardianship of the children to one parent, when the other parent is fully capable and willing to care for them as well.

My Rant.
Verena

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brass_tacks

This is slightly off the subject, but I've always believed that a person can get ahead better by being in business for themselves. Here, in the states, lots of women are taking care of other people's children in their homes and making quite a bit of money. Some of those women will only take cash--for obvious reasons. I knew a lady that started a cleaning business--just her and a friend. Eventually she was only cleaning small offices--easy work--oh, and she worked for a contractor to clean his new homes. I think she was working at that for maybe five or so years and was able to buy a home for herself and dependent husband. She made lots of contacts, and made many friends. She also acquired great feelings of self-worth.

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organic_maria

Verena,

which part of canada are you from? In quebec, the calculation formula clearly states that both parents income is takeninto account. Also both liabilities. And when i mean income.I mean ALL...RRSP, stock interest, cash from government that must be claimed at tax time. Everythnig...
Any u are right...my hubby pays about 250 per child. Andi know she is not giving them new clothes. They wear rags to our house. Handme downs. Plus she gets the allowance for both and she gets money from the gov after tax for claiming them. now after 5 years, she is asking my hubby to pay a portion of dental...lol!!! not worked out in their divorce. Lol..she will get BIG surprise. She hasn't asked in 5 years and now she is asking for 50 bucks..but you see,it sets presedence to future. And she has insurance that she claims adn whatever she does pay she claims on taxes!!!!So my hubby refused and they are still going to court.She ins fear. We have another child to support and our lawyer said this will cut down the payments.
Why hasnt' the court regarded your child in this respect??? The law that came out in 2004 clearly states that the old family cannot cause detriment of the the new one. Collect everything and see if you have enough amunition.
My ex does want his kids. We spoke 3 days ago. He doesn't want the ex calling everyday adn harrasing him. So he rather not take them.
i told him, when the kids get older adn his daughter does come to live, i will block with his daughters consent the phone at certain times in the day or week so we can all breath as a family. His daughter avoided teh phone last time for 2 days. We all decided not to pick up. I just shut the ringer off last time.
But yes, brass tacks has a good idea. A business under you , she cannot touch the cash! And maybe consider this..if you get a job that pays higher than your husbands, tell him to be a dependant of you and stay home and take care of the kids. This of course will give no cash to his ex, but hey...might force her hand to give you the kids. Its a win situation .
Is she a good mother? are the kids happy? that's what is important.

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bnicebkind

thank you brass tacks! Alot of wisdom in your words. Thank you for taking the time to share it!

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verenap

Maria,
I'm from Alberta. I love Alberta and it has always been home, but it is notorious for having the worst courts when it comes to family law...extremely biased in favor of mothers, infact, unwed mothers from all over Canada and the States are known to come to Alberta to have their babies, or bring their babies, because in Alberta a father to a child born out of wedlock has a legal obligation to financially support that child (like everywhere), but he doesn't have the automatic right to involvement in that same childs life. In Alberta, if an un-married father wants to see his child(ren) and the mother doesn't want him to, even if there is no reason, he must file to the court for access rights, and even if access is granted, there is no access enforcement if the mother decides to deny him, even with a court order in place. In Albera, an unmarried mother (even if they were in a commonlaw relationship before, during and after the birth of the child) can put the child up for adoption, without ever informing the father, and if the child is successfully adopted out, before the father learns what is happening (easy to do if access has been cut off for years), the courts in Alberta will uphold the adoption, and the father cannot regain his child.

The problem with the financial aspect is that they are only required to take into account both parents income, not the household income. They are both married now, and both are single income households (both with the husbands working and the wives at home with the kids), therefore, SHE has no income, although she benefits from her husbands income. When proving undue hardship, in order to get support ammounts reduced, a judge has to first order financial disclosure to get her husband to have to provide his income/assets/liabilities. If we were able to get that then we could compare household vs. household and likely get the ammounts reduced, however, if that is to happen, then I also cannot take on paying work, as then I would have to disclose that ammount, and it could put is in a position where we aren't considered to be facing undue hardship...even though I would be working and his ex would not. (I'm not willing to take money under the table, because if it ever caught up with us it could cause significant trouble (especially if there was a reduction due to undue hardship.)

I have tried to get DH to consider going on long term disability, (he broke his back three years ago, crushing two vertebrae, and herniating (sp) two discs, something which still causes him significant pain, often he can barely walk for weeks at a time) but he is stubborn, and doesn't like to take 'assistance' even if he needs it. In many ways I feel like this would be the answer to many of our problems, because it would provide him with a medical reason to not work, that he could take to court to get his CS reduced, he could stay home with DS, and I could earn enough to cover the mortgage, etc. Unfortunately, DH has strong feeling about being the provider/breadwinner for his family (which I understand, since that is how I was raised too) and does want to do that. I even tried to convince him that we should sell the house, move to SK (found a 1/4 section for 69K, with house, and the land already rented out)...said we could be mortgage free, and I could work or he could work, but either way we'd be out from under one mortgage payment...he didn't go for it...and I understand...to far from his kids...even if we don't get to see them, it's nice to know they're so close, if we ever could. (The other thought is that since our house has increased in value, I wasn't sure if we'd have to claim the sale as 'capital gains', and if she'd then be entitled to money from that. Hard to know...I don't know that much about taxes.)

To your last questions, the answer is unfortunately 'no'. (Read 'sad...need to vent'...it should give you the full picture, without me going back through it. (It get's me worked up...)

Oh, one other thing...even though DH pays child support, she can still go for 80-90% of the cost of medical expenses or extracaricular activities that she chooses to put the kids in (even if DH has no say, and doesn't get to partake or watch any of the events). In Alberta 9 times out of 10 the judges will rule infavor of the father paying these extra 'expenses' on top of the child support. It's really wacky...she even asked for DH to pay extra money for DAYCARE costs, because she would put the kids in daycare when she didn't want to look after them even though she DIDN'T (and doesn't) WORK...of course she didn't get that. (That's right, she gets sick of them and dumps them in daycare to have a day/week off, but won't let their very loving father (and me), who would gladly take them anytime she wanted a 'break', have anytime with them.) I really think that they sould be held accountable for every penny of child support, to be required to show that that money has gone to directly benefit the kids. (Not a brand new vehilce for mommy that indirectly 'benefits' them...unless she is going to hand over ownership to the child when they are old enough to drive. That's like saying that she should be able to use it for a day to the spa for herself, because it puts her in a better frame of mind and that benefits the children...of course right now there's nothing from stoping her from doing that...)

Sorry, I kind of hijacked the thread...It does feel good to get it all out though, especially to people who have/are facing some of it too.
Kind thoughts All.
Verena

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organic_maria

Wow!!!! ....no here in quebec the household incomes are not taken into account but the liabilities of both are. Which means, if we buy a house and he is locked into a mortgage and the majority is locked,his ex cannot come to him for more cash.And if i have another child, it gets cut down even more. But we would have to go to court again for that. Andi'm not sure if i want another child yet. I'm comfie with this one. And he is really happy with him too. Loves him like crazy. He misses his kids but hates the ex with such a passion and wants her as far away as possible.
Can you believe she had the gutts to tell her daughter she wanted to see my baby. It made me want to puke!!! My SD would tell me how jealous she was that i was pregnant, talk behind my back ,always lie about me and then turn around and ask that!!! I told my SD. Nope. Your mother talks bad about me. i dont know her and i dont say anything bad about her and now she wants to see your brother? Does that sound right? She said no. And that she understands. I told her i was sorry but i wont allow her mother to see my son after all this stuff. But if her grandparents (ex's parents) want to see him , i'm more than happy to bring him over there. She was extatic.
The laws in alberta are terrible!!! and your husband should go on long term disability. But men are stubborn. I know. My husband it too. He had a car accident a few years. Head on collision in teh winter with another car (90km an hour) because the other car didn't have the patience to wait behind a truck so he went to the next line with onheading traffic to go ahead of the truck. Well...he miscalculated and hit my husband dead on. He was lucky to be alive. WAs in a wheel chair for a year. And he couldn't sue because its no fault insurance in quebec!!!
Either , either....paying to ex's suck! When they divorce, an aggreement should have been made that the money go into a fund for teh kids and she can only pull out what the kids need. For clothes , food. my friend did that cause his wife was a druggie and yet she still got custody! But she didn't get the moeny everymonth. She would taek it out but then have to produce bills as to where it went. The judge in this case was smart.
I just want this all over with. I still wish we had custody but i understand my husbands feelings. We maybe worse off if we were to have them. Not that we dont love. But the ex is a piece of work. I'm sure she loves her kids. Its just she is sooo warped. But what happens under her roof is her business and ours is ours. If our landlady passes away , we have no choice but to buy a house. My husband would have extra money if he didn't smoke. But that is his little pleasure. I will not strip him of that. And he should be on longterm, cause his back is getting to him and now his hands are going numb. So i'll be making a doc appointment for him soon. i told him. If he has to go on longterm then he has to go. Dont worry about the kids. The entire family will take care of them. They need a father first! If he is not there for them, then what?? His health must take precedance over payments to an ex!

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