greymare, first of all, hugs. Believe me, I know what it is like to feel like you have been thrown under the bus. Jewelisfabulous is correct in that your DH was wrong to tolerate their bad mouthing of you, etc. But, she is also right that you really cannot ask your DH to give up his kids for you. What you can ask him, though, is to have his own relationship with them. I also agree that seeing a counselor should be a first resort, and if anything, you can see one alone just to get your feelings sorted out. But, there is another option, and that is disengaging from your SKs while still being married to your husband. I don't see disengaging as an either or thing. I see it more as happening at different levels. It's probably best thought of as a last-resort, no-divorce option. Here is a link that explains disengaging at a higher level: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.shtml

thanks for the help and comments. I will check out that link for sure. That's how we've done it in the past, I totally disengaged from SK's myself and it worked. Hubby was not happy about it but I saw it as his issue, not mine. Just because he wants us to get along and do things together even tho that is never going to happen because he can't see how they are with me. He sees it, he chooses to ignore it. Therapy is a good idea because of that. I can't ignore it like him because I don't believe in being around people that are toxic for me. I have anxiety which causes ALL sorts of health issues. I don't want to put myself in that position that causes me to be sick. Disengaging works for me. He makes me feel bad when I say , "no thank you, I won't be going to that function." So, I'm the bad guy then. But my body can't take it. He can go and I'm perfectly happy staying home. there's no drama, no dirty looks etc..... I can have my own peace at home.

I'm sorry, Grey. We've all been there. No, you don't need a divorce from your husband; you just need to divorce his kids. They are horrible people, and just leave it there. No, you should not attend any functions where they are present. Your husband should have a relationship with them, and gradually he will grow tired of going to events alone. He will begin to realize what jerks they are, but you must stand your ground on disengagement. Your husband did not agree to go on a trip without you, and he will likely will decline future solo invitations. In a sense, he stood up for you by not leaving you at home. I agree with my nice colleagues that counseling for you and hubby is a great idea.

The relationship with his kids didn't get better because no one--not you and not hubby -- ever set boundaries with them or demanded respect. Well, the time is now. Quit asking your husband about them. Freeze them into eternity, and enjoy your wonderful drama free life with your nice husband on your lovely farm and your new life without step children.

thank you. You made so much sense!! :) In fact, i got the nastiest email last night from one of them. Calling me every name in the book. Telling me to get rid of their emails, and any contact what so ever that I'm toxic to them. I let my husband read the emails and he said, "ok then.... they have lost us both, screw them. I see what they are like." So all is good now. We have washed our hands of them and now we look forward to drama free, wonderful life without them and with our friends.

Since you do not have your own kids, you may not fully understand the connection and love between parents and kids.

Do you really want your husband "wash hand" of his kids and being cut off from the lives of his kids and grandkid for the rest of his life? Regardless what happened and being handled, it is not fair to put him in an either/or situation, he deserves both you and his kids. His kids and grandkids deserve their father/grandfather.

As Jewelisfabulous suggested, you need to see a therapist specialized in blended family issues to find a long term resolution.

I didn't make the decision for him. I read him the emails and he made the decision himself. Maybe you didn't see the recent posts??

Yes, I did read the recent posts. I just suggested you to take a long term view on your marriage and family even it is a decision he made (now). Things will change 5,10, 20 years down the road, they are not as simple as you perceived. Best luck!

you don't know the whole history - 20 + years of it. We have not had much contact with any of them from time to time. There might be a 3 month period in there here and there where we would get together but it's never been a typical "family" unit. We have always kept to ourselves and not because there were issues, it's the way we just roll. But they have tried to cause issues between us over the 20 years and we have both ignored it for the most part. And since we are older now, it's just best to let go. Life is too short to deal with so much drama from them. It's their karma, not ours.

azmom, I hear what you are saying, definitely. But, greymare has a 20+ year history. That is not going to change. I don't know if you are a SM or not, but it is a totally different dynamic than even many counselors realize. Not in all situations, by any means, because some SMs do have supportive husbands and have SKs with bio-mothers where the BM doesn't mind anyone else loving her children, and the SKs are getting the okay from both their mom and dad that they should be respectful and accepting of SM. However, some SMs have husbands who are shamed and guilt-ridden from the divorce, don't know how to parent, won't stand up for their spouse in front of the children, and bio-mothers are involved where they are controlling and resentful and don't want to even think of anyone else loving their child. SKs in these situations usually see SM as an all-encompassing scapegoat.

If you were little more than the family scapegoat for 20+ years, you'd be throwing in the towel too. Actually, scapegoat is a nice word. I should use the more accurate word of being bullied for 20+ years with your husband allowing it to go on and possibly even BM encouraging it. The better question for everyone should be: Why did you let it go on that long? SM has the right to disengage in these situations. That is 100% her decision. AND, if her husband decides he doesn't want to go to these events without her, it is 100% his decision. After all, there should be no surprise for anyone that yes, husbands do want to be with their wives. That is his wife that is being bullied--someone he loves and wants to spend the rest of this life with. How do you think dad is going to react to that? In no other situation would a woman be expected to take this kind of abuse, other than a SM. What SM needs counseling for, is how to take care of herself, what DH needs counseling for, is how to grow a pair, and what SKs who are now adults, by the way, need counseling for, is how to grow up and realize dad and step-mom and actually married and are husband and wife. They are a couple--you disrepect one and you are disrepecting the other. So, in reality, all these years they've been trying to stick it to step-mom, they've been trying to stick it to dad too. After 20 years, dad is just as tired as SM is of this.

that really helped me :) That made sense when you said, "you disrespect one, you disrespect the other." I totally believe that.

Grey, they will regret it. Karen, great wisdom and insight.

maybe they will one day regret it and then maybe we can re-visit the situation. I'm always open but they need to be more respectful and see how they are acting. And stop acting like spoiled brats

Not likely that they will change, but they will regret their actions, because they didn't expect their father to stick by you; they expected him to leave you or at least leave you at home alone.

yes, of course. They have been trying for the past 20 years on the sly. They should know by NOW it won't work. Oh well.... their decision, their karma.

Karen, that article about disengaging is absolutely brilliant. It should be mandatory reading for every woman thinking of marrying a man with children.

Thank you ;).

Your husband needs to - for once and for all - man up and defend you, tell his kids they are adults and his marriage is none of their business, that if they don't like you, they don't have to come around.

If they want only him at gatherings outside of your home, if I were you I'd take advantage of some time alone to do what I want, let him go spend time with his kids, and be glad I don't have to hang out with people who don't like me.

But your husband, IMO, is far more guilty than are his kids. They don't like you. Big deal. But he supposedly does like you, and loves you, but when he cedes power to people who are cruel to you, that is a hostile thing, and he needs to stop doing it. His wife comes before his kids at this stage of the game.

P.S. It sounds like his kids need to get a life.

Now, I'm assuming that you are not a stepmother from heck. For all we know, you are and their dislike of you is legitimate. But even if that is so, the above stands. It's YOUR home. You have a say about your own home, who is allowed there, who is not, and it is not at all unreasonable for someone to not want people who hate her in her home. Tell him he has to meet his kids elsewhere.

Believe me, I"m about the nicest person you can meet :) I'm usually a doormat until people push me too far and then I say "ok, enough is enough now." I have never said anything to these step kids when they act the way they do. I just bite my lip! I never let them see me cry because of how they make me feel, I wait til I get home. Then something happened a couple weeks ago. They invited their dad to go on a road trip back to Utah (where we lived before here). They didn't invite me and they wanted him to keep it quiet. Now first of all... how does that even work??? LOL!!!! Like I"m not going to know?? Hubby would never do that but it's their way of just doing what they do. Long story but I did find out and got the whole story out of husband. And that's when I started to speak my mind. I had had enough! I asked the one step "why did you not invite me?" I thought it was a legit question. She didn't. She got all defensive and said, "you don't like Utah so why would we even ask you?" That was just a stupid comment that she made but that's how this blow up started. One thing led to another and everything came out. And I finally stood my ground. And they apparently didn't like that. My husband said, "it's just over this one thing, can't you just let it go??" I said, "no, you KNOW it's been going on for 20 years. Other things, a lot of things. It wasn't a matter of IF, it's a matter of WHEN, when everything would blow sky high." Apparently everything in the past is my fault and I"m the evil, negative one. My attitude now is... whatevs.

They are probably the most disrespectful people I have ever met and I've always known why but I never pushed it til now.

First, "nice guys finish last" is a very true statement because some people will mistake your kindness for weakness which is what happened here. So going forward, you need to definitely speak your mind. I'm 15 years into my second marriage and have a very similar situation. I kept my mouth shut too, for a long time and that was a mistake. I do have my own children which I think helps somewhat as I can understand how my husband feels about his own children. There is one thing I would suggest, and after 20 years, perhaps you've already done this more than once but I'll say this anyway. At least 4 times now, despite how they were treating me at the time, I erased the past, reached out in a big way and tried my best to make the relationship better. I got very little in return, but I felt that as the older adult, and mainly for my husband's sake, I should make the effort. Also, doing so gave me the ability to say "I tried". I wanted to know in my heart that I made every effort. I wish the outcome had been better, for everyone's sake. So what I'm saying is that your husband is never going to be truly happy without a relationship with his children. If their actions and behavior don't warrant one, that's on them. But I would just give this one last shot. I don't know what's happened up until now, but I don't think it matters. I would write them an email, copy the BM on the email if she's at all a part of this situation. Tell them you know there have been issues for many years, things said and done that were hurtful and you want to put an end to all of it so that you can be a happy family which is the healthiest thing for all concerned. Something like that. Invite everyone over for dinner or on a trip. Truly reach out to them even though you don't feel they deserve it, even if they are horrible people. Doing so will make you feel so much better, trust me. Make the email nothing but positive. The best outcome will be that they respond positively to your email and it's the start of a better relationship for all, and most importantly a better relationship for you and your husband. I don't think divorce is the solution at this point, your husband does love you or he wouldn't be married to you for 20 years. Also, as a mom I can tell you that sometimes you just have to suck it up and take charge. It's just part of the role we end up with and why women are so much stronger than men. I know you're not a bio mom, but you're still a matriarch in this family so I think you need to take charge this one time, or one last time and see what happens. And if they don't respond at all or don't respond positively, well then you know you did all you can, and your husband will know that as well and I think it will be easier to move on and disconnect that way. I'm not saying you haven't reached out in the past either, I'm sure you have, I'm just asking you to do it one more time. I wish you all the best and will pray that this situation has a happy ending for all.

If you still have the ability to reach out after everything that's happened, you are a better person than me. To me, it's hubby's choice whether or not to have a relationship with them, but your giving them another chance now, just proves to them that you are an easy target and there are no consequences for their actions.

I have heard from the middle one. We decided to let the past go or at least our past argument. But with the oldest, I'm DONE with her. Burned bridges for sure. I can only be pushed so far and talked to SO disrespectfully for so long til I have to say I QUIT for my own sanity. I have anxiety issues and it was NOT helping. With her out of the way, it's much better and I'm starting to feel better. She will always be a thorn and be who she is and that's fine but she'll do it without me.

My mantra is that I don't allow myself to be put in any situation where I am vulnerable to disrespect. It cuts way down on the anxiety.

I'm having a hard time understanding why you are upset about not being invited to things by people who don't like you and whom you obviously don't like. I'd be glad to not be included. But I think what's legitimately bothering you is that your husband isn't standing up for you. Forget his kids. They sound awful. The problem is that your husband won't stand up to them and tell them to treat you with respect or they're no longer welcome in his home.

But welcome not being invited to places with them! They sound horrible, and I wouldn't want to spend one second with them. The problem is your husband, not them.

Keep your arms out for those of his kids that can work through issues. I'm sorry the 40 year old (from your description) is still acting like a pre-schooler. She can decide not to like you (and vice versa) but civility in behavior is paramount. If she can't do that -- you don't need to have her in your space until she reconsiders at least on the behavior end.

Your husband has a strong connection to all of his children. Don't try to step between that and them. But be clear on where you need to be for your own sanity.

Find a mindspace where you can be happy that he wants to carve out time with them, even if some of those times will be without you. But make sure he continues to carve out space with YOU. Consider that he's in a tough middle-spot -- he loves his kids, he loves you. He shouldn't have to CHOOSE one or the other -- but he needs to respect you enough to tell his kids to stop disrespecting his wife, even if some of them may never love you themselves. He chose you to wed, after all.

He doesn't even want to be with the older one. In his words last night, "she's acting just like her mother!" And that was a BAD divorce. Their mother was an alcoholic that was as mean as a badger.

southernlights - Um, in real life, how do you avoid that??? Close yourself off from human contact?

Him or her?? Him, he's just disgusted with her. Her, I have no idea and don't care anymore. She made her bed.

Artemis, it's easy to avoid situations where I am vulnerable to disrespect. I don't plan events with people who have purposefully tried to hurt my feelings. Most people in this world have good manners and want to get along with other people. Some people, like my husband's ex of 26 years, their adult children, and her sisters, are mean spirited, rude, and disrespectful. They can wallow in their bitterness, but I don't have to make myself available for that.