Future Possibility of Stepkids Moving In

11 years ago

My problem is one that may never actually become a problem, but nevertheless I want to find a way to properly communicate my concerns without coming off as mean. My boyfriend and I have been considering marriage possibly in the next year. We're not officially engaged though. He knows how I feel about privacy and space, but I feel we also need to discuss this in detail, so it will all be on the table. I have no kids, and aside from a previous marriage, I have always lived alone. Overall I have no conflict with his 3 kids. They are all grown, 21,23, and 24, BUT they are not very self sufficient and responsible as adults. They haven't lived with him because he really didn't have room, BUT I know that once we get married and get a larger and nicer home, the possibility will be there, and I can almost sense it coming at some point, and it scares me to death. He loves his kids, and I would not have a problem with being there for them if they were in a situation of urgent need, "temporarily"..BUT I have no desire to set myself up for the possibility of grown children living in my home indefinitely, especially ones who are not motivated to have goals, and prepare themselves to get decent paying jobs, and be independent. Right now as it stands, they usually only call him when they want something. I want to lay all this out on the table with my boyfriend, so he will know exactly how I feel, but I don't know the exact words to bring it up, without sounding uncaring. If these kids were college students, and not seeming comfortable or entitled to have someone always helping them, it would be different, but so far, I'm not seeing any of that, not to mention his oldest has had trouble with the law off and on. At times I am starting to feel like marriage to him might be too much of a risk for this ending up being my existence, and that we'll just have more peace in our relationship never marrying. He loves and respects me, and is a good man, and has expressed desire to want to be married, but of course he also loves his kids. He knows and admits though that they have issues, and need to get it together, but I also know he would never tell them NO...not that I would expect him to turn his back on them, but I just don't want the neediness of them to be neverending....PLUS 2 of them have children of their own, (not married)...and I know I could never be happy sharing space with other people, even though his sons children would be with their Mothers, (2) and his daughter has a 5 year old.. Any suggestions on how to handle this would be welcome...Either way I know I still will have to discuss it with him, or we'll need some counseling beforehand. I just need to know the right words, because I don't want to say anything hurtful related to his kids, but I'm taking this very seriously because I've seen these type of scenarios far too often, and I feel I need to be 100% clear on where I stand.

This post was edited by MsB815 on Mon, Apr 28, 14 at 19:44

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (7)

Amber3902
11 years ago
You are very smart to want to discuss these things BEFORE you get married and live together.

The best way to discuss this without sounding insensitive or uncaring is to simply ask "what would you do?" questions.

Without being confrontational, ask him "what would you do if your son got in trouble with the law?" "What would you do if your son needed to move in with us? What kinds of rules would you lay down? For how long would you allow him to stay with us?"

Ask him your questions. See what his answer is. Be sure you get specifics. Your definition of "temporary" may be three months, his may be 12, or a vague "let's just see how it goes".

Be careful that he doesn't just tell you what you want to hear. The best way to encourage him to do this is by acting like you don't care what his answer is.

You are right that this scenario happens a lot and causes a lot of issues in a marriage. It's better to be sure where you both stand before getting married.
His inability to say no to his kids is a big red flag. Maybe it's better you live in separate residences for a while longer, until you feel more confident about how he would handle his kids and their issues.
emma
11 years ago
My husband and I were married for a year or so when his ex called and wanted us to take the son, his wife and their baby off her hands. She couldn't stand them any longer. I was a bit upset. Luckily I was in the hospital recovering from serious surgery, the doc knew I was upset and he ask "what's wrong". I explained and he said "don't worry about it, it's not going to happen". He talked to my husband and told him we cannot have a baby in the house. He said it's to much for me, I don't need a baby climbing all over me.

Later I told my husband we can't have your kids live with us because if your son gets mad at me (bad temper) he will stay mad at me for ever. If he gets mad at his mom he will get over it. My husband understood that.
Related Discussions
possible future control method for eab? alb?
Q
Comments (5)
I become very leery when man interferes with genetics that took many, many eons to develop whether one believes it was guided/designed by God or not. I believe the endgame to genetic manipulation is too complicated and random to be understood in a complete sense leading to uncertainty on a very large scale leading to consequences that can not be foreseen or hypothesized. Yes I enjoy my genetically modified corn. Glow in the dark mice are cool. It is truly amazing how far we have come in our understanding of the microbiological world and the biochemistry that drives life. The world would be a MUCH different place without the discoveries of the last 100 years especially the last 40 or so. But sterilizing a species by genetic manipulation and effectively eradicating them does make me uncomfortable. I am OK with sterilization by radiation to a large number and releasing them, however turning genes on and off and releasing the products into the wild is not something I am in favor of. Basically, evolution has been taken away from nature, becoming man's responsibility. We are not ready for this. When this kind of power is left in the hands of man, it will not be used for the greater good down the road at some point. I realize what is learned cannot be unlearned and "progress" by nature continues indefinitely until the mechanism is understood fully and completely. If Hitler's scientists knew what we knew now, can one imagine how much worse the atrocities would have been? Man is still a homo sapian in his genetics, not the deity he assumes to be and the animal will come out again no matter hard some fight to repress it. This is our fate I believe. I do admit to myself as we continue to destroy the world around us, this may be one extreme measure that might become necessary in the future. I do not welcome it. Thanks you for the article, Ark. It was a good read. John
...See More
My stepkids hate me, frustrated and broken
Q
Comments (11)
If you are going to school full time, AND working part time...do the hours add up to less than working full time? Just wondering... I do understand that you want/need to finish your degree since you are very close to finishing. I also understand that you now have a home for your children, that you may or may not be able to provide without his help. I also understand how valuable it is to have someone to share your life with, and help you raise your children, instead of trying to raise them alone. Especially since he is a good man, who treats your children well. And "I get" that his children have a choice in their behavior, and they are making your family life miserable. However...as a parent, do you understand that if he turns his back on his children, he has failed in his role as a father and a parent? That these next 6 years are the most crutial years in the development of his kids, and will determine who they will be as adults? That as he chooses you and your children over his children (both he and his children will understand that he chose you over them) that will in and of itself create "issues" for both he and his children. Raising teenagers is enormously difficult for ALOT of people, even those with intact families. His children are acting out, of the anger and pain of what has happened in their life... I understand that you feel that they should not "win" and ruin what you and your fiancee' are trying to build...that their bad behavior should not be rewarded by getting them what they want...which is you and your children to leave. However, as a father and a man of integrity and honor...he must fight to hang in there and finish raising his children...whether he feels like it or not. Perhaps they do need to live with their mother...I don't know. But he should not give up on them because it is hard. And he is right in demanding that they treat others with respect, and that includes you and your children...but it also includes their teachers and others, or life will be hard for them...because in life, we must treat people we work with, and for, with respect, whether we like them or not. This is tough because their mother is teaching them one thing...but he needs to teach them what he sees as important...and do his best. The rest will one day be up to them. I wish you the best as you try and do what is right for you, your children, and your fiancee' (and his children). He is in such a tough spot because he loves you, and does not want to lose you...and yet his own children need him...but their behavior is destroying everything he wants, and the life you two are trying to build. But as the kind and good man you know him to be...which makes him a man of honor trying to do what is right...by both you and as a parent. What a hard, hard spot to be in. He will need to be strong, wise and walk through this. I wish you both better times ahead.
...See More
anyone like their step-kids?
Q
Comments (55)
@ mom 2_4- I am right there with you... my SD acts the same way, maybe a little more independent (in her defense). But the whiny, cutesy, babyish, mouth-breathing behavior and lack of common sense are the qualities she shares with your SD. I feel terrible for how I HONESTLY feel about my youngest SD (7). But I can't lie to myself and pretend everything is perfect when, in fact. it is the complete opposite. All she has to do is walk into the room and I'm instantly annoyed!!! It's not fair to my son or her older sister, who doesn't have that effect on me :( I know that has to sound terrible and selfish. I too clam up so I don't snap. Sometimes I just wish she lived with her mom instead of with us so I could have my sanity (secretly). But their girls would grow up to be just like their BM, which wouldn't be a good thing at all:( SD has the same effect on some of my other family members, where they can only handle her in small doses... that's about the only comfort I have at this point, knowing that others share that feeling... only they don't have to live with her 99.5% of the time like I do ARRRRRG :*( I feel like such a fake!!! I also have a deep-seated issue where I find myself fantasizing about enjoying my son's first accomplishments as if he were the only child in my life. I feel like because I married her father, I am obligated to LOVE her... pretty hard if I can't stand her :( I feel as a Christian, I have to love everyone despite whether I like them or not. My moral compass is stuck on a daily basis, as I struggle with those feelings from the time I get out of bed to the time I get back into bed... I wouldn't wish these feelings on anybody, except her once in a while... you know, "The Mother's Curse" ;) Somedays I feel like I'm going to snap!
...See More
Not coping well with Adjusting to Adult Stepkids
Q
Comments (18)
**Update** Everything came to a head last night. Long story short they asked me if they could borrow some money for gas & diapers, I handed some over but told their dad about it (We have agreed to share everything when it comes to them & money). Turns out the sons mother gave him money just a couple of days ago and bought them a bulk box of diapers. FI wasn't too happy and call his son accusing him of using the money to buy dope. Son & wife then come to me cussing me out and then proceeded to my 10 yr olds bedroom to tell him how much of a whore his mother is and to stay away from their kids. I told her that she wasn't going to talk to my child like that and then that led to a whole new situation. I ended up telling my son to lock his room & stay in there while I did the same. I called dad to let him know that this wasn't happening anymore and either they leave tomorrow or I will. He called and told them to get out. An hour later they left, but that was after beating on the walls, cursing at my son and I through the doors and anything else they could think of to make as much noise as possible. I feel like crap for all of this but I do have to admit that after they left it felt peaceful. I don't know what to expect going forward but I know that I will stick to my guns on this one. A line was crossed when an adult threatens my child.
...See More
colleenoz
11 years ago
Amber's suggestion is good. You need to make it clear to your BF that while you value your relationship with him, you also value your own space and that while you understand his wish to help his kids you're not up for sharing your space with them. To that end it would be happier for you both to have separate living arrangements until the kids are truly self-sufficient.
Amber3902
11 years ago
I have a feeling these kids will never truly be "self-sufficient". If the OP is already concerned about this enough to post on an internet forum, that's not a good sign.
OOTM_Mom
11 years ago
This is a tough one. I know you said you do not have kids, but if you did and they were having trouble, would you let them move in with you? That's pretty much how you have to look at it. Are you OK with extended holiday visits? Week or so at a time with the kids and grandkids? Or does that cause anxiety too? Talking in hypotheticals with potential husband isnt the same as reality. He may say he wouldnt want them moving in, and even mean it, and then a year later his mind can change. And even though you can say, "but when we discussed this you said they wouldnt move in", that will be a moot point if he suddenly needs to help his kids. Can you live with that possibility? As you put it - "ending up being my existence". It might not go that way, but it could. Good luck.
MsB815
Original Author
11 years ago
Thanks to all of you for your responses. They are all good advice, and something to really think about. I am leaning toward not rushing into marriage just yet, but regardless this will still be a topic we will have to discuss in great detail, when and if we ever do marry.. I see so many people just "jump into" situations and families when red flags are already up, but I knew I needed some advice on how to approach a delicate topic of children, because once you say certain things, you cannot take it back...Thanks again!!
emma
11 years ago
I think you are very smart to think about this and discuss it before marriage, not after when the problem comes up. I was very naive when I married.

Future Possibility of Stepkids Moving In

Comments (7)

Amber3902

emma

Related Discussions

colleenoz

Amber3902

OOTM_Mom

MsB815
Original Author

emma

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Future Possibility of Stepkids Moving In

Comments (7)

Amber3902

emma

Related Discussions

colleenoz

Amber3902

OOTM_Mom

MsB815Original Author

emma

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

MsB815
Original Author