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msb815

Future Possibility of Stepkids Moving In

10 years ago

My problem is one that may never actually become a problem, but nevertheless I want to find a way to properly communicate my concerns without coming off as mean. My boyfriend and I have been considering marriage possibly in the next year. We're not officially engaged though. He knows how I feel about privacy and space, but I feel we also need to discuss this in detail, so it will all be on the table. I have no kids, and aside from a previous marriage, I have always lived alone. Overall I have no conflict with his 3 kids. They are all grown, 21,23, and 24, BUT they are not very self sufficient and responsible as adults. They haven't lived with him because he really didn't have room, BUT I know that once we get married and get a larger and nicer home, the possibility will be there, and I can almost sense it coming at some point, and it scares me to death. He loves his kids, and I would not have a problem with being there for them if they were in a situation of urgent need, "temporarily"..BUT I have no desire to set myself up for the possibility of grown children living in my home indefinitely, especially ones who are not motivated to have goals, and prepare themselves to get decent paying jobs, and be independent. Right now as it stands, they usually only call him when they want something. I want to lay all this out on the table with my boyfriend, so he will know exactly how I feel, but I don't know the exact words to bring it up, without sounding uncaring. If these kids were college students, and not seeming comfortable or entitled to have someone always helping them, it would be different, but so far, I'm not seeing any of that, not to mention his oldest has had trouble with the law off and on. At times I am starting to feel like marriage to him might be too much of a risk for this ending up being my existence, and that we'll just have more peace in our relationship never marrying. He loves and respects me, and is a good man, and has expressed desire to want to be married, but of course he also loves his kids. He knows and admits though that they have issues, and need to get it together, but I also know he would never tell them NO...not that I would expect him to turn his back on them, but I just don't want the neediness of them to be neverending....PLUS 2 of them have children of their own, (not married)...and I know I could never be happy sharing space with other people, even though his sons children would be with their Mothers, (2) and his daughter has a 5 year old.. Any suggestions on how to handle this would be welcome...Either way I know I still will have to discuss it with him, or we'll need some counseling beforehand. I just need to know the right words, because I don't want to say anything hurtful related to his kids, but I'm taking this very seriously because I've seen these type of scenarios far too often, and I feel I need to be 100% clear on where I stand.

This post was edited by MsB815 on Mon, Apr 28, 14 at 19:44

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