"Feeling worked over by DH & SS"

You're feeling worked over because you are being worked over *by your husband*, & he's been working you over since you started dating.

Although the son is a mess, the son didn't even come into the picture until this man felt that he had you well & truly under control & that you'd believe anything he said.

If he were a car, I'd say return him to the dealership & tell them he's a lemon:

You're being made use of by a self-serving person so he won't have to face his own problems.

& he knew the problems were deal-breakers before you were married.

In hindsight, it's easy to say there's something fishy about a man who's so involved that he wants to marry you but he says his *mother* (!) doesn't want you to meet his son.

He lied about this son, kept you from meeting the son, & now blames you for the son's problems.

This is a person who acted in bad faith *from the beginning*.

& now he's drawing your daughter into his disfunctional mess.

Things like this don't get better.
They get worse & worse.

Eventually, you'll be so frazzled & frustrated & confused that you'll believe you have to defend yourself,& then you'll feel like that, since you're defending yourself, your husband must really think you are guilty, & it'll consume your whole life.

& your daughter will see how frazzled & worn & tense you are, & she'll hear the arguments, &, like any other child in the middle of a stressful home life, *she'll think it's her fault*.

I'd get my daughter & get out of there.

& counselling won't help;
he's got what he wants, which is a scapegoat, you, & a back-up scapegoat, your daughter, & he would only use counselling to "prove" how hard he tried to work it out with you.

I'm sorry.

Laurels4U-

Could it be that your stepson is also feeling a bit duped, that his life with his dad isn't what he expected and is acting out? Also, he is also entering that glorious tween phase where EVERYTHING is becoming a problem and motivation plummets.

What work in our family are meetings. We had the advantage of implementing them at an earlier phase in the children's lives, but to this day they still serve us well. We have a family statute we all came up with where one of the points is, "Everyone's opinion will be heard; Dad and Mamma however have final say". And to change a rule or a chore, it has to be brought up at a meeting, if not there are the repercussions to their misconduct. Flight of fancy or one-sided conversations (ie, only one parent involved) weren't enough. That would undermine the stability and happiness of the family...

Everyone is responsible for their own mess. If there is trouble (forgetting homework is a very popular one in our house to this day), then we come up with strategies that might help. In each bedroom there are checklists the children have to mark off (the older ones are self reliant at this point, the younger ones still struggle). For one of them, we made a check-list he has on his school folder so he knows to remember all the things he forgets.

And I know SylviaTexas isn't in favor of counseling, but I am most definitely a proponent. We have tried all "flavors" and have found therapists that have been very good for our family (we did all kinds of combinations; all of us, my husband and his ex, just the kids, one kid at a time, I just went....; we aren't going presently, but when we needed it, it helped immensely). That said, there are a lot of therapists that will waste your time; you really have to "shop around" in order to find one that suits your family's needs (cognitive behavior and transactional analysis are my personal favorite, very comprehensible, empowering and practical).

Ultimately, I think it's a matter of communication, of finding how you can all speak the same language, consistently, with one another.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes....

Perhaps you can get your DH to understand that with his son, there is a "window of opportunity" where you can turn his son around...or it becomes too late, and will affect his sons entire future. Age 11...he must be in about 6th grade (middle school). You have about 2 years to get his son turned around and on the right track, both in his behavior, but just as important, his academic future. Your DH is failing his son. He is taking the path of least resistance...the easy way out, that in the long run, will hurt his son. This is where he needs to train up his child...his sons character (integrity) and being a man (accountable for his actions) - where he is giving everything he's got to turn this boy into a man of character...or it will hurt his entire future. If he fails to train up his son, this son of his will have problems in his relationships both personal and at work. And speaking of work, he has got to help his son turn his grades around so that he has options in life! If he is allowed to fail, then he may not even end of finishing high school, and that will make it difficult for him to earn a living to support even himself, let alone a wife or children.

Dad needs to do the hard work now with his son. Taking the path of least resistance...the easy way out...well, IMO it appears that he is failing his son. He needs to raise the bar and expect more from his son...to help his son grow to become a man that you are proud of one day. Helping his son turn his grades around so that he feels good about school, may open many doors in this boys future. Tell him to study his son. Find out what his strengths are...what he is good at or interested in. If he is creative, look into helping him learn to draw well, or play an instrument, or learn to work with his hands and build things. Teach him to cook, etc. Every thing you can teach him will help him later in life, and give him a headstart in becoming capable in so many areas. I heard a young guy (18) who was disappointed with his mother who let him waste his childhood playing Nitendo every day for hours on end. He did not have a sport because they waited to long to get involved, and by that time, he did not make the teams because the other kids had been playing for years. And he felt like he wasted his childhood, and that his mother should have not let that happen.

We have a short window, to teach them so much. perhaps you can get his dad to start training up his son so that he has a future with many options.

I love the idea of having family meetings. I think we'll try them beginning this Sunday. I am also going to try behavioral therapy for myself and then DH will eventually go with me. We had a talk this eve when he got home from work and he admits the SS is not what he thought he was and it bothers him, too. However, DH is always trying to take the easy road out of parenting the boy, which isn't helping anyone, particularly SS. I also agree that there shouldn't be one-sided parenting conversations so that's the next thing to go, too. Too many of those take place and I'm left in the dark. Thank you all for your advice.

We have tried everything to get the SS to do better in school. DH had even been making SS bring everything home out of his desk until it seemed to get better then that ended, but it's a vicious cycle and the deficiency notes keep coming home. We've tried to get him involved in school activities, but he refuses. He seems content to lay around all day in his bed playing video games.

I agree with the window of opportunity theory and I feel like it's now as well. I'm trying and I don't want to take DH back to the car dealer and trade him in as a lemon. I don't want to hurt my DD either with this whole mess be/c she certainly doesn't deserve it.

oops, didn't mean to sound like I'm against counselling under any circumstances.

It just sounds like this husband hasn't acted in good faith.

Laurels,
I guess you needed to mention how you were led astray by your husband to make your points, but if you still dwell on this history, then it will be a hindrance to progress in the here and now. It is what it is.

Any kid that fails subjects time and again has parents that are not paying attention. Either that or the kid is in over his head and needs a great deal of help. You very well know that if the foundations are not learned, progression doesn't happen. If the boy isn't keeping up with the class, then he would have a good reason not to have his homework finished--he couldn't do it. Common teacher. Why would you ask a kid that has been failing why he didn't do his homework. That's kind of a trick question. Forget about the lie that he told--help this boy.

The solution to the boy not doing his homework is simple. You make up a tally kind of check list. Every day, every one of his teachers initial the same sheet of paper. The list should be short. You make the list to include every subject. The checklist should include something that could reflect something positive. That way, the check list will remind the boy and teachers what he is good at, along with what areas are in need of work. You check the checklist every day. If homework wasn't done, then the boy gets to sit down and do his work in front of you. If he needs help, then you help him. He doesn't get to do anything else until the work is finished. You check the work and then say, well done. You know he needs help and so you help him.

Charts...I've seen some charts in my day...but few that work. Why? They weren't designed to work. Tackle one thing at a time. If the boy does anything without being told over and over, let him know that you notice. If he does anything you ask him to do, make sure you show appreciation.

Ask the boy what chores he would like to do. Ask him for five minutes a day. When you see he is handling the five minutes, up the time to six minutes. Over a long time, maybe by the time he is thirteen he'll be able to stay on task for an hour.

About lieing or trying to make someone else the blame for whatever...quit asking him for a reason or an explanation. You don't ask him why his room isn't clean. You say, come here son. I'm going to keep you company for five minutes. For five minutes we are going to pick things up and put them away. Tomarrow we'll spend another five minutes. When five minutes go by say; see, we made some progress. That was even a little fun, huh? Sometime you can help me do something, ok? He'll say sure. There you go, five minutes. So the room is still a mess. Who gives a hoot. The next day the project will get another five minutes. That's all. What is important is that the you and the boy start making some progress.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Everything you do in regard to this boy should be about you using it as an opportunity for positive interaction. If you and the boy can't get along for five minutes, then spend only three minutes with trying to have positive interaction. I'm saying that you need positive interaction and much less fault finding. You and the boy need each other. You are a threat to this boy, stop it.

You don't ask him why his homework isn't done. If the boy comes home with the check list from school and you see that he didn't turn his homework in, then you have him sit down and do the homework. That's all. No speeches. No distractions. Quite time for serious homework duty/rule. No TV -- nothing else!

If a kid plays in his bed until he can hear his dad coming in from work...and you know it. Well, what is that! If it's suppose to be bedtime and the kid is playing in bed, well then you let him know that you will be taking the toys out of his room. You don't have to yell; you don't have to snarl, just let him know that there are some rules and you will be keeping the rules. Sometime sit down and tell him about all the rules his dad has to keep like getting to work on time, like stopping at a red light. Simple to understand rules. There are plenty of rules that we wish we didn't have to keep. Make it a fun kind of conversation. Let him talk. You listen.

Beween the time you get home and the kids' bedtime, you don't have much time to waste or to be interrupted. I'll bet that if you spend five minutes every day with the boy on this homework thing, you will be very proud of the accomplishments that the two of you can make.

Alldoglover suggested family meetings. Those work well in some families, but not all. I suspect that where you and your husband are right now, the family meeting would turn out to be an opportunity for you or your husband to grandstand and then the meetings would be dreaded and more harm would be done. Family meetings are good when people are busy and need to have a special time set aside for the family. Family meetings work when there is good will in the home, especially coming from the leadership.
I believe that you and your husband need to learn some parenting skills. You may be correct in many of your ideas, but the way you go about trying to implement your ideas may have something to do with the ways in which your husband is giving you a hard time. Perhaps the same could be said for your husband.

If you are going to find success in your marriage and in parenting, you are going to have to get over how you were somehow led astray. Dwelling on what happened in the past is not going to help you in the present. It is what it is.

This is exspecially hard on you because you teach at SS's school and are placed basicly between a rock and a hard place.
If I were you,I would stop making yourself be the bad guy when it comes SS's schoolwork. Let his dad find out on his own...if the teachers dont want to call him,they will surely write a note about it when report card time comes.
And...I'm sure you know as a teacher,that if SS's grades are getting so bad,and he is missing so much school,that sooner or later it will be a call or letter from the principal regarding his behavior.
And if that doesnt work...social services may follow.If that happens it should be wake up call to your husband and SS.
I know this may be hard for you,but if at all possible,ignore any commands or disapline with stepson.Let his dad do it all.When your husband gets over being defensive,he should come back into parenting mode.
I think therapy is an excellent idea.A person who is completely un-biased to the situation.
As a teacher and a mom it sounds like you have done what you think is right.I appauled you for trying so hard.