I think you need to sit down with your husband and have him understand that the damage is done. The raising aspect of these ADULTS are OVER. THEY are ADULTS not KIDS.
You have an almost 20 year old who is disrespecting you? How exactly? being disrespect can be viewed from many angles and rudeness is not rude to others.
Your husband Feels GUILTY.
Here is what i would do.
1. If they want to stay in your household, GET A JOB AND CONTRIBUTE TO FOOD AND BILLS PERIOD. If you can't. They must leave and DAddy can help them from outside your household.
2. Do not accept the third one into the household until the other 2 understand A. RESPONSIBILITY AND RESPECT. BY GETTING JOBS AND CHIPPING INTO THE HOUSEHOLD.
So bottom line, tell your husband they either help with bills and food or they leave and your husband can help and be there for them without you.

"The mom of these kids did what both my husband and I feel, a "less than good" job raising the kids."

If your husband feels this way, then he needs to grab a mirror! If she did a 'less than good' job, what was HIS role in it? Now, he is trying to parent out of guilt when they are grown?

They are grown, but they are still babies? I wouldn't insist on sending the 18 to mom, I would insist that dad be a dad and in my opinion, the problem is dad... not mom or the kids. The kids will do what they are allowed to do and if they are leaving mom to come to dad, it's probably because mom won't put up with their lazy, irresponsible ways and dad will.. cuz he feels guilty.

Tell dad, he can't have it both ways. They are 'adults' by age but not maturity or responsibility so then they are just 'kids' that need our guidance? Pick one... treat them as adults or treat them as children being guided but it doesn't work to let them be adults... stay out late, come and go as they please, and say 'hey, I'm a grown up' when it suits them but when they are supposed to be responsible... like getting a job, paying bills, doing well in school, or cleaning up after themselves, he can say 'but they are just kids that need our guidance.' Heck no. It doesn't work that way... this is a husband problem, not a kid problem. (and in this case, I don't see that it's a 'mom did a poor job of raising them' problem either.)

here is another post where SM blames BM for everything...And where was dad?

same old same old...BM this BM that...Yawn.

finedreams...did you ever stop to wonder if maybe it is some of the BM"s???
Sometimes it is. Plain and simple.

Wow, FD...that didn't take long!

However, I'd have to agree with "And where was dad?". If you and DH have been married 15 years, these kids were 3,4 & 9 when you married their dad, and likely younger when you met. So, in theory, you've had many years with them. Did they have regularly scheduled visitation? What has happened all these years?

actually I was thinking the same thing to while I was reading this. Where was dad before these 'kids' became 18 19 and 24... I mean there are two parents. I think we need more info...because short of mom was a real crazy who hijacked the kids ... this is as much dads fault as moms and he needs to step up to the plate and should have done so a looong time ago.

well in my dh situation, he tried to be there for his kids...but BM kept moving and changing her freakin phone number all the time. Oh yeah that was real healthy for the kids.
He would call her family and they would just snub him.
He finally got her pinned down and was able to get his visitation as long as we did all the travel. Fine with us.
But there comes a point in a childs life, when they have been through enough on one end that it makes its impact far and wide. Do you understand?
It is the old nature and nurture.
Children learn the MOST in the first five years of life. Do they learn love and acceptance, or did they learn something else??? You will eventually find out.
Sometimes you can help them relearn things....a lot of times you can not. You just teach them how to deal, and yourself.
With split families it is even harder to figure out, because the kids play one parent against the other and it takes time before one or the other figures out that anything is awry. Then once you do the kids are off finding another way around you.
Step families should come with instructions.

Whattodonow,

I have several problems with what you have posted but I will cut to the chase and address the one that sticks out to me the most...."Mom is off the hook." After raising the children for all of those years you can honestly say that "Mom is off the hook."?.....As a bio mom that has raised her children without the emotional or physical support of their father I take issue with that. You do not state how involved your husband was with the children as they were growing up. How much time did they spend in his and your home? Should not the 3 of your be responsible to some degree for the habits that these young adults picked up....unless of course you and your husband hardly ever saw them and were not involved in their up bringing at all and if so, why not or their bio mom was an extreme case, as some are, and nothing that you and husband did could combat what she taught them. I have also raised one SD and am now raising a 2nd one with my husband. The 1st one was given up by her mom, the 2nd one's mom has passed away.

I do agree that you are getting them at late ages, no question but for some of the step moms here who have had physical custody of their stepchildren it sounds like you could be thankful that you've had your house to yourself all of this time......I think you could supply more info so that we aren't assuming too much.

LOL finedreams..too funny.

Besides what everyone else asked..What is Dad doing to help them now? Getting them in college, trade schools? Anything?

I would like to notate that their are stepmoms that are questioning dads involvement and not just blaming mom...

only because we are accused far to often in a generalized sense... I mean there is a difference between a sw (step wife) and a sm (step mom)

wild thing, of course some BMs, however in this case (as in most on this forum) BM is blamed for how kids turned out. if dad was not involved at all then it is too easy to balme mom, single parenting is not easy. and if dad was involved then why blame mom or only mom?

Wild Thing, I agree with finedreams in that these kids had two parents. If BM was so awful then why didn't DH take them in earlier? My DH took SS with him at 14 because he and BM agreed that he needed a male influence to get through high school and he was the tougher parent. DH did that before we married. Maybe BM wasn't a great mother but the father should have stepped in while the kids were still kids. Now they are adults.

I would not take in the 18 year old unless some serious ground rules were set for them all including:

1. A deadline for when they will move out. No open ended stays
2. The ability to pay rent
3. Going to school or work or both.
4. Some stepped up help on housework and chores. You are not running a hotel!

That needs to happen whether the 18 year old moves in or not. As is laid out on this forum, it is really the BM and DH's responsibility for these adult kids. Them living with you sounds like a major imposition and sacrifice to me. I think you should diplomatically say that to your husband before you take on any more responsibility for these adults.

Whoops, my post was to whattodonow.

Being there for kids to me is the opposite of being soft. I would try to emphasize that to dad. I cant remember a week that my D hasnt said I am the meanest mom in town. I agree there have to be rules. I would be concerned that Dad has to take control of situation with 18 and make certain kid knows it is either work or school. I am a big proponent of school, but if kid isnt cut out, dad should be insisting kid meet with counselor at school re how to get into trade program.

Thanks for all the imput everyone! Glad folks are listening. Yes, hubby and I married when kids were 3,4, and 9. Kids lived with mom many miles away. Hubby and I have traveled many miles to see the kids many times and have visited with the kids since they were little. We've had the kids visit with us many times and many phone calls over the years. I have observed that as the kids got older, BM would call dad on the spot, when there was "a problem" after the fact of course.Hubby couldn't leave work every time, has surely had influence. The oldest 24y lived with us for 2 1/2 years.Did well in school, but wanted to return to be with his siblings.Fine, we did that. His grades dropped, and at 16 met an 18F, had a child, ws living outside his BM's home, all the while support was being paid for all 3 kids. We didn't mind paying support, we figured BM ws "helping ss out" at times even tho he lived elsewhere. SS 24y lived with us 2x before, came to "get his life together", but wanted to leave again.No follow thru in spite of our efforts to encourage and guide. Now he's here again! SS has no contact w/ his child nor desires to. Middle SS at 12 lived with us for 1 1/2 years. Good in school. Caused alot of grief after a while but only when he was told no about something.Slamming doors and disrespect doesn't sit well with me in my house, he trashed his room after a temper tantrum, I told my hubby then, ss had to go. Didn't have sd until june 07, when she called and said she was "kicked out". Of course, we immediatly went and got her. Not ever really clear on the "root" cause. It's gone ok with her, but smart mouth and the "whatevers" has started, again when she doesn't get her way. She works 3rd and tries to stay up all night, I got up with the tv blairing, her sleeping, and she got mad cause I wouldn't let her turn on the tv again and stay up! She woke up hubby, pleaing her case, sugar coated of course. I told him what REALLY happened, she tucked her tale and went to her room. Nothing done or said to her about rude "whatever" comment. Hubby thinks I'm thin skinned. My hubby and I have been involved all these years. Not to the degree or with the guidelines I'd have preferred. I still feel hubby needs to set RULES. I like what 1 person listed about shutting the lights out at 11pm, getting the house keys back,and insisting the kids work or be in school.24y now recently got fired, 18y has GED book but hasn't cracked it but 2x in over a wk, they both stay up all night and sleep all day. I agree w/ the comment that hubby's kid will do only what they are ALLOWED to do! I just want reasonable plans and goals set for each of them. A plan, a goal, a timeline, anything but have it set! How can I get hubby to realize rules and plans need to be set? I'm starting to feel like the kids are running the house. It's not a hotel. Any ideas?Thanks.

whattodonow

Thank you for including more info. How parents parent after a divorce is different in every case. I do not know what it would be like to try and parent from a distance. It does sound as though you and DH had much more involvement then I assumed. I am sorry about that.

I know that there are issues on this forum about the BM seeming to always being held responsible for the up bringing of the kids. If I understand correctly....if they turn out badly, she is to blame. As a birth mom that had only negative influence from my Ex husband I take as much responsibility for how my kids turned out as anyone wants to put on me. I am willing to admit that if I had experienced more difficulty in raising them, if they had been in trouble and such I probably would have put a lot of that blame on EX. Since they have been the loves of my life and people that I am proud of then I would like to be able to take just a little credit for that....:-)

I would not want young adults living off of me. I would be willing to offer my home while they went to school and worked. They would have to follow the house rules which would be decided between my DH and myself. I would feel that at my age (nearly 50) if I wanted things my way and the kids wanted a hand up then I could be thinned skinned if I felt like it. Not saying you are...by any means.

Many young adults do not have the opportunities that you and DH are offering. You and DH have to agree on things and he needs to respect you. As long as you are willing to open up your home at this time (and it isn't the first time) then I think DH needs to set higher expectations of his children. The sooner they make their way in the world the sooner they can live as they choose.