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totalsnafu

Father needs some advise

totalsnafu
16 years ago

Hello everyone, Im hoping for a little help (arenÂt we all?). I find myself in a dilemma and after a lot of prayer, and talking to friends whom really are not in the same situation, I am left with even more confusion and worries.

A little background first. IÂm a 36 year old father of 3. My kids are ages 6, 9, and 12. After divorce, (2001) their bio mother lost it (I guess). She had suffered from depression for a long time. I was working as a Correctional Officer and a Union President at the time (2003). My ex had custody and I had weekends with them. My work kept me very busy, and due to this my kids suffered greatly. For 2 years, they lived a pigpen that was so bad it was criminal. My exÂs house was 2 feet deep in trash from one end to the other. I am NOT exaggerating at all. When I found out, 1 discovered a birthday cake that I had given my son 4 months prior sitting in his room. There were 8 gallons of spoiled milk in the kitchen. Bread so moldy that it had liquefied. After finding out how my kids lived, I blamed myself due to the signs being right in front of my face and I did not catch it. Too busyÂ. Never again! My Ex. cut herself off from the children January 2007, and has not visited them since then. She does not call or anything.

At the time, I was remarried to my wife Tammy. She has 2 kids herself. Her son Jordan, who is 9, and a daughter who is 21. When we got married, it was just her son at home with us. My kids would come for the weekend every 2 weeks. During that time, she would shut herself in our room a lot. This lead to some arguments, because I felt as though she did not want to be around my kids. Her excuse was that she was giving us time together alone. I explained that it was not what I wanted, and she came out of the room, but was on edge. After being married about a year, I made my kids abuse discovery. They came to live with us in our 2 bedroom home, while my ex. was evicted from the property, and I gutted and completely rebuilt the house (the settlement on the divorce stated whomever had custody of the children got the property). I did not have my ex. prosecuted for the kids sake, even though I really wanted to for revenge. The revenge would have only satisfied me, not my children, who did not understand.

Tammy cannot handle Jordan. She rarely ever tells him no, and when she does, he turns on the tears, and she gives in to his demands. Enter me the bad guy who is not afraid to say no and stick to it. IÂm not a really strict person, but I expect the rules of the house to be followed. I do realize that they are children, and as children, they will mess up. I was a child once I remember the things that I did. I also understand that age and maturity play a role in how often they mess up, and to what degree. I am more understanding when it comes to the 6 year old breaking the rules that I am my 12 year old.

In all honesty, I am pretty strict about a couple of things:

At dinnertime, we will all sit at the table in a timely fashion, and have manners. There is no getting up and running around for anything. No one will touch their food until everyone had sat down for their meal. Conversation is encouraged. I do have this rule and I am strict about it. I do it for a couple of reasons. I was raised this way, and I understand it. As kids get older, they spend less and less time with the family. My mother used to say that this was the only time that she could guarantee to have my company, and find out what is going on with me. This is one of the few times that you will have the undivided attention of your kids as they get older. The not touching your food until everyone sits down is a sign of respect to the one(s) who spent their time cooking the meal for you. I happen to believe that table manners are important. As you become an adult, some situations will arise that require you to have good table manners, lest others will judge you in a wrong way. Dates, formal dinners, an evening out at a restaurant with your family, etc.

My other thing that I am strict about is a child disrespecting an adult. I will not tolerate it. I was raised that you respect your elders. If a child cannot have respect for their own parents, how will they treat others in society?

Bedtime means bedtime! They all know when bedtime is, and 30 minutes prior to bedtime we make an announcement for everyone to get their PJÂs on and get ready for bed. During this 30 minutes, they are supposed to change clothes, get a light snack if they want one, brush teeth, etcÂ

My 3 kids were taught these rules from the time that they were young, Jordan was not. When Tammy and I got together, Jordan would not sit at the table and have a meal. She allowed him to play and come back for a few bites, and go back to playing. I had an issue with this and after talking we came to an agreement. Jordan was 4 at the time. He is now 9, and we have an issue with him almost EVERY night! He needs to be told to wait for mom to sit down before eating, belching at the table, playing with his food, or getting up to "do something". It drives me crazy! What makes it worse, is Tammy does not say anything to him, I have to. Now my kids are not perfect, but we rarely have to talk to them, and when we do, itÂs usually my 6 year old.

Bedtime is an even bigger treat. Like I said, everyone is notified of bedtime 30 minutes prior. Jordan will do everything possible EVERYNIGHT to not go to bed on time. At 9:00 (bedtime) he will need to get a drink. Then he has to go to the bathroom (not pee if you get my meaning) and he sits there for 15 to 20 minutes on the toilet. Tammy does nothing. She may yell at him, but does nothing else. Again, I have to be the bad guy and go physically put him into bed. Then IÂm mean and he donÂt like me. He breaks out the tear works because he wants to give mom a hug and kiss (again) and I wonÂt let him. Tammy does not get up and deal with him she just yells in to him "Goodnight Jordan" (again). This happens EVERY single night! It drives me nuts! IÂll be honest, I get angry and Tammy tells me to calm down. I canÂt stand that the same thing happens every night.

Jordan refuses to listen to me unless I get in his face and threaten a spanking. IÂve tried everything I can think of to get through to him; time out, grounding, a good fatherly talk, and yes, a swat on the rear. Tammy undermines me at every turn. I ground him, he cries and throws a tantrum and she undoes it. She does not back me where Jordan is concerned.

Now the big issue that is really getting my goat; she has no problem disciplining my children. My kids do not throw the tantrum, as they know I will not tolerate it. They cry, yes, and she yells at them and tells them to suck it up. I do not undermine her, even when I do not agree with what she has done. I wait until we are private and try to discuss the issue with her. My son Ryan is 12 and he takes the worst of her outbursts. They all have chores to do, and if they are not done, or done properly, there are supposed to be consequences. These consequences are usually, having to redo the chore properly, and they lose something in return; T.V. or video game time usually. Tammy will ground Ryan for these infractions, but Jordan receives nothing. Again, I do not undo her grounding even though I disagree with its fairness due to the fact that Jordan receives nothing for his infractions. Tammy will also call or threaten to call JordanÂs bio father instead of handling him herself. I do not like this 1 bit. I do not like having that man involved in my household in that manner, when it should be handled within my walls. She has no problem with taking care of my children, but calls outside of my home to another instead of handling it, as she should, as his mother.

Enter biggest problem; Tammy, in her struggle to figure out why her son acts the way he does has had him at doctor after doctor. He was diagnosed with ADHD about 2 years ago and put on medication. I believed that she used it as a crutch for his acting out. "He can help it, he has ADHD" is all I kept on hearing. (BTW my 6 and 12 year olds are both ADD) JordanÂs father was always saying that he was not having the problems that Tammy does, and for a long time, I did not believe him. I do now. His father disciplines him for negative behavior, where Tammy gives in. Just my observation. About 3 months ago, we were at the DrÂs office for Jordan, yet again, because his mother just canÂt understand why her baby acts the way he does. I seized the opportunity to ask the Dr. questions about ADHD and his behavior. The Dr. looked straight at Tammy and said, "HeÂs playing you!" I felt vindicated and justified. Was a proud day for me to have my beliefs backed up by a Dr. This changed nothing! She went in search of a new Dr. Last week, she found a child psychologist who helped her out with yet another crutch. He diagnosed Jordan with asperger's disease, of which, after doing a lot of reading the last week, I canÂt see it. The symptoms just are not there, but Tammy has a rare disease to point to and say, "He canÂt help it heÂs got ADHD and asperger's disease". The only symptom that he remotely does is, he will not look people in the eye all the time. HeÂll look you in the eye when he wants something, believe me.

Tammy and Ryan are clashing badly. She will not give him an inch. I have taken him to counseling because what has been happing with his bio mother, and I worry about him bottling his hurt up over what she has done to him and his siblings. I also wanted to see if I could find a happy medium for he and Tammy to exist. Tammy has admitted that he reminds her of his bio mother, and she resents his bio mom for upsetting her life and our marriage. Tammy had admitted that she did not want to have my kids living with us full time, and when we dated, and got married, I only had them on the weekend. She was happy with her lifestyle, and resents BM for doing what she did. I think that she is channeling her hatred of BM to Ryan. When asked by the counselor, if she is interested in developing a relationship with my son, she stated, "I donÂt care". I told her, that that statement hurt me tremendously, and that at that point, I was seriously considering a divorce. She refused to go back to RyanÂs counseling sessions, or "Tammy Bashing Sessions", as she called them. That was about 6 months ago. Things have not changed.

My son spends a lot of time at his best friend GarrethÂs house. Garreths mother stopped me 2 nights ago, and asked if we could talk for a few minutes. She asked me what TammyÂs problem was with Ryan. During our talk, I found out that apparently Ryan has taken Garreths mom into confidence, and has been talking to her. Garreths mother is a professional counselor, and she laid down everything that Ryan has told her. All of it was the truth, though some was exaggerated slightly. Her opinion was that Tammy is causing harm to Ryan mentally and emotionally, and that we needed to get into counseling soon. She is a friend of ours, so I donÂt believe that she would steer me wrong, or unjustly accuse Tammy, (her friend), of a wrong doing. She called her house a hiding place (safe house) for my son.

I am now at this point. IÂm not sure of what else to do. I love Tammy. Love her dearly, but I am starting to think that to make my children happy and safe, I need to let her go. I feel bad, because she has become disabled since we got married, and depends on my income for her own survival. Our possessions, I could care less about. She could take everything we own if that was her desire. Material possessions mean little to me. I have prayed for help, and I guess that the Lord is leaving me to handle this one, or maybe the signs are all there, I just am not seeing them very well. My close friends are telling me to cut the ties. I find myself in a household where, my 3 hate Jordan because of the difference in treatment, and Tammy for being mean. I find myself seriously disliking Jordan, and getting to the point where I am tired of trying to mold him into a responsible young man. I think that people here have termed it, disconnecting from him?

IÂm looking for some help here. From others who are looking in the windows from the outside. It just hurts, because I do love her, but if she is harming my children, they need to come before my heart and feelings. I placed something else before them once, and they were hurt because of it, I promised them that I would never do it again, and I think that I already have.

Comments (20)

  • totalsnafu
    Original Author
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I noted that my 6 and 12 year old were ADD... they are ADHD. forgot the "H"

  • sweeby
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    If your portrayal is accurate, really, almost all of the problems in your household seem to stem from Tammy's poor parenting skills. One standard for Jordan, another for your children. And if Tammy doesn't improve her behavior, your situation will not improve.

    For what it's worth, Asperger's Syndrome isn't rare at all, and it's no more excuse for poor behavior than ADHD. Kids with Asperger's (IF he has it) are generally *very* attuned to following rules and routines, and a strict and consistent set of rules would benefit him greatly. While it doesn't sound to me like Jordan really does have Asperger's, using the Asperger's label to get Tammy into counseling might help. (General parenting skills under the guise of "How to parent a child with Asperger's".)

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  • lilysuzanne40
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Hi totalsnafu and welcome to the board,

    Two things leaped out immediately to me about you ... you're a correctional officer and a former union president. In other words, you're used giving orders and meting out punishment when they're not followed. First, on the subject of your interactions with her children:

    Yes, you are too strict. I like your rules and appreciate where you're coming from but did you talk with your wife and family before you implemented them? I can see some passive-aggressive behavior here, which indicates that they resent this "my way or the highway" approach.

    It's funny because there was a "Supernanny" episode last year that dealt with exactly the problem you're having. The father, a correctional officer, was having major problems with his wife's sons from a previous marriage. Most of his interactions with them centered on him making sure they were following "his" rules. They just saw him as the big, scary jerk who was ruining their lives. Her advice was the same as mine. Try to connect with them in ways other than yelling and threatening.

    As to her treatment of your children, I think you are right to be concerned. A mother, step or not, "makes" the home. If she's making it miserable for your son AND he knows there is no where else for him to go (back to mom's), he must feel trapped and hopeless.

    Your family desperately needs counseling, all of you together and separately. Your kids have been traumatized and your wife has been traumatized too. She has a difficult child and three stepchildren she resents. I suspect she also resents you and is choosing passive-aggressive methods to get back at you.

    Get help. Try to save your marriage.

  • scaruso57
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    First off, I commend you for seeking help on this forum. In my opinion it shows that you really care about all of the members of your family and that you care about your relationship with your wife. It also shows that you are willing to listen to other people's viewpoints and perceptions of your situation. Most men I know would not put themselves "out there" like you are so I applaud you.

    Do you think you could get your wife to agree to seeing a different counselor with you and perhaps someone on her own as well? I don't know the nature of her disability, but I have chronic illness and I know the world is an entirely different place on my least painful days.

    I think rules and structure are both necessary and welcomed by children. They may not always like it, but knowing what to expect can be very comforting to kids, esp. coming from an environment that you described.

    Does your wife feel secure with you? Does she feel loved and heard by you? I only ask this because, I felt extremely insecure about my husband's feelings for me. I felt like he just tagged me onto the end of his life.
    I do believe that all people are basically good and do not want to cause harm to others. If I were you I would really find out the basis of your wife's feelings. You may be surprised by her answers. If you two can feel secure with each other, perhaps you can create a loving environment that has the necessary structure and rules to raise all of these kids into a healthy adulthood.

    Good luck to you. I hope you can get some help.
    Susan

  • totalsnafu
    Original Author
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    lili - We discuss all rules before they are implemented, and we explain any changes to the kids so that they understand the reasoning behind them. As far as being a C/O, I'm not a bully officer. There are enough of them out there, they don't need me. I believe in "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" and you also get more bee's with Honey. I actually have a very good reputation within the prison I work at. I always use please and thank you. Always. Even with Jordan. I always ask first. This is how I expect to be treated, and I return it to others. Asking get you productivity... demanding gets you attitude.

    sweeby - Thank you for the counseling suggestion... I'm going to give it a shot.

    Scaruso - I don't see why Tammy wouldn't feel secure with me. All of my off duty time is spent with my family. I call home when I depart work, and if I stop off, I let her know. Hell, it's me who is easy to cheat on, my location is always known. Might as well have a GPS installed. :) I do the reporting in because it makes her feel more secure. Her ex cheated on her multiple times, and I can understand why people get paranoid. It's human nature... once bitten, twice shy.

    Thank you to those of you who have responded so far...

  • vistajpdf
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I was near the end of my rope after ten years of marriage a few months ago. It was largely due to DH's poor parenting and failure to inform me of major decisions regarding his grown children (rewarding bad behavior, not allowing them to be financially responsible adults, etc.)

    Finally, a friend told me to get to a marriage counselor and tell him, "I think what we have is worth saving. If you do, too, I hope you'll meet me at 1:30 on Tues."

    NO ONE likes anyone other than him/herself disciplining his/her kids. Get to a marriage counselor independent of the children and allow an impartial third party to lay it on the line. I NEVER thought my DH would 'buy' any of it, but it has truly changed our lives.

    Tammy and you need help w/ dialogue. She needs to gain some strategies for dealing w/ all of the children. It's natural for a woman (I think) to not like to have her 'nest' messed with to a large degree. So, she is having difficulty adjusting to the new arrangement. You are right, her dislike for your ex is carrying over to the innocent children. She needs a third party to point that out - she isn't even hearing you right now about any of her partiality or failure to enforce consequences.

    I think you're a bit strict, too. The rules sound great, but as much as I want that environment at my dinner table, it's always a little chaotic (we have three young boys.) Baby steps, my friend, baby steps.

    I think I'd 'disengage' a bit from Jordan. Jordan has LEARNED long ago what to do and how to do it in order to serve himself. Asperger's, ADHD, etc, are all just excuses for poor behavior. How does he do in school?

    I would immediately remove my kids from any abuse by your wife - I don't think it's quite at the abusive state, but your son is feeling her wrath. Try the counseling - forget about including the kids just yet. You two need help w/ communicating, boundaries, enforcing your house rules etc.
    What I hear is a woman who allows you to be the heavy, not willing to do it herself, willing to excuse her son's actions too readily, then resenting you for doing the discipline. I'd NEVER be comfortable disciplining someone else's child and I'd be very defensive of someone being critical of my child - even w/ good reason. The mother feathers get a little ruffled and women go into defense mode. She also needs help w/ her perception of your son and your ex. I understand where she's coming from, but she has to stop. Your son needs you to defend him. Don't get into this w/ her unless you're in front of the counselor. I promise, the right counselor will make all the difference in the world.
    All the best,
    Dana

  • totalsnafu
    Original Author
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thank you Dana.

    A couple of you have said that you believe that I am too strict. Please elaberate.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Some kids NEED to keep moving. One of my kids' better teachers once told me that she had finally learned not to tell one of the other kids to sit still at his desk, because he did much better work if he stood, then sat, then stood, etc.

    My daughter is not able to look me in the eye for long when holding a conversation, and she needs to keep moving while talking. She has a processing disability, and it is NOT merely an excuse. Even the uncooperative school system does not question the diagnosis.

  • totalsnafu
    Original Author
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    vistajpdf - When he first started school, he was a beast! He turned over tables, walked out of the class at will, and the teacher had us in more than the janitor. Once his ADHD was treated, he calmed down. That was kindergarden. Since then, no problems. Our school system here has a warning system for behavior. Green (good) Yellow (warning) Red (referal to office) In 2nd grade, his mother got tired of yellows, and grounded him from games, or TV when he got a yellow. His teacher was far to strict (my opinion too) and we ended up having a conference with the administration about her. I was in agreement with Tammy on the teacher's overreacting to Jordan. Since the grounding started (her doing, not mine)for school problems, we have not had another school behavior issue. His teacher last year (3rd Grade)loved him. His best behaved student. Helpful, well behaved, respectful. It's thing's like this that make me unable to add things up properly.

  • totalsnafu
    Original Author
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    theotherside - I do not question that some children do have these problems. I have 3 ADHD children in the house, I do understand the "ticks" that they have. None of them will stand or sit still... that does not upset me... annoying at times, yes, but I understand it completely and they are not punished for that which they cannot control. I'm hyper myself... my foot wiggles nonstop...

    What I do question is his BEHAVIOR. If others he was in contact with had the same issues, it would be one thing, but they don't. He does not act like he does for us when he is with his older sister, his Bio Father, or his Aunts. His Bio Father is harder on him then I have ever been, and his aunts and sister will bring him home if he misbehaves with them. It happened a few times, and he appearently got the message. Aunt Meme's is his favorite spot. Heck, her house is everyones favorite spot. She's 64, and has 4 computers and every video game system made. Her house is the place to be for all of the kids in the family. He loves it there, as does my 3. Aunt Meme will bring him home, or call us to come get him if he acts up with her. That includes when they go places together. It took 2 trips home for him to figure out that she does not threaten... she carries out. After that, a little angel at Meme's house.

    If he can act appropriately with others, why can't he every other time?

  • lilysuzanne40
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Snafu, re: being too strict.

    From your own post:

    "At dinnertime, we will all sit at the table in a timely fashion, and have manners. There is no getting up and running around for anything. No one will touch their food until everyone had sat down for their meal. Conversation is encouraged. I do have this rule and I am strict about it."

    I understand your reasons for it. I even like it. But if the other parent is not on board with this rule and her children know this, it sounds as if this could be a nightly battle. Let me give you two side-by-side comparisons. My family had meals together every night. We used proper manners, prayed before the meal and had lots of conversation and laughter. Sometimes, one of us would take a drink of milk before mom finished getting things on the table. Or my brother, starving teenager that he was, would eat a piece of bread and butter first, almost as an appetizer. No big deal. We laughed about it. It was a happy, relaxed experience. My cousin, whose dad had been in the Marines, would get stomachaches before dinner every night. His dad monitored everything they said and did. "ELBOWS OFF THE TABLE!" "EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!" "SIT UP STRAIGHT!" "STOP FIDGETING" "SIT DOWN" etc. etc. etc. It was a nightly trial of commands and orders and the slightest infraction was pointed out. These were his biological children and they were totally cowed by him. Imagine the difference if they were children who weren't his and who had another parent who wasn't so strict and demanding? Those are the seeds of resentment and rebellion.

    That's one example of being too strict.

    By the way, my cousin is a now a grown man and has teenage kids. His family has dinner together occasionally, but mostly they camp out in front of the TV, which I think encourages overeating and poor manners. He was so traumatized by his upbringing he refuses to do sit-down dinners. It's an overreaction, but one I understand, to an extent.

  • totalsnafu
    Original Author
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "My cousin, whose dad had been in the Marines, would get stomachaches before dinner every night. His dad monitored everything they said and did. "ELBOWS OFF THE TABLE!" "EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!" "SIT UP STRAIGHT!" "STOP FIDGETING" "SIT DOWN" etc. etc. etc. It was a nightly trial of commands and orders and the slightest infraction was pointed out.

    Oh Lord... it's not that bad. That would be miserable.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "If he can act appropriately with others, why can't he every other time?"

    Because maintaining that level of self-control, especially when you have learning disabilities, is exhausting. Home is, or at least should be, the one place where you can relax, where people love you even when you are not perfect, where they won't send you away even if you screw up.

  • lilysuzanne40
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Snafu, I wasn't trying to say that's how your dinner table is. You couldn't be that bad and be on here asking advice. But to a kid who has nearly no discipline in his to life to go into a home where there's even a modicum of discipline, it may SEEM like that example to him. I'm not saying he's right. In fact, I think you're in the right on that issue.

    To be honest, though, I fear we've gone off on a tangent. Your strictness, modest though it is, is a side issue to what's going on with your own children. They're hurting and their SM is making it worse, whether she's trying to do that or not. That's why I recommended counseling.

  • bnicebkind
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    It seems to me that you are like two separate families living in the same house. That in her mind, it is "we" meaning her and her son, and "them" meaning you and your kids. Perhaps a counselor could help you and your wife an all of the kids to become a true family, where you are all working together as a family, caring about each other, and all following the same rules. You two need a "good" counselor to help achieve this goal, and for you and your wife to "come together" and parent these kids in a way where you feel you can trust her to be loving and fair with your children, and she can trust you to be loving and fair to Jordan. Perhaps a counselor could help you find ways to unite, such a holding family nights one night a week, where you play a short board game together or play music and sing and laugh together, and spend a few minutes having a family meeting talking about whatever the counselor says would be a healthy way to cover the families upcoming week.

    Anyway, as I thought about your your struggles, this is the thought that kept coming back to me. To somehow bring you and the children together as one family. I think that is how I would present it to your wife and the marriage counselor. Tell your wife that this is not working for you, or anyone in the house. Tell her that you believe that your marriage, and this family can be so much better, but that you need someone to help you both find your way to bringing this family together as one family, and coaching you both in how to accomplish this goal. Let the counselor help you learn how to handle discipline issues, and learn how to handle these situations in a way that you can both trust each other in this area.

    You sound like a good father, trying to do the right thing by your children and your wife. I fear that disengaging from Jordan may backfire, as it would seem easier to correct bad behavior now while he is so young, than deal with behavior that is ignored during his youth, and having these issues in a teenager that has never been dealt with.

  • cawfecup
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    My husband had a "rule" the kids ate dinner at the table. My kids and I ate at the table on occasion not every night. Too many activities going on with my kids. So I "enforced" his rule with his children. Now my son is living with us and NOT eating at the table. Hubby is giving me grief over this so now I am not enforcing his "table" rule. I told hubby unless we all are eating at the table I am not making anyone eat at the table. As long as they eat I really don't care where they eat. If you spill it clean it. I have said for two years "it's your father's rule not mine take it up with him"

    The way the house is set up only 1 seat at the table can view the TV, one other seat you can almost see it but you have to put your head almost through the wall to view it. So each night there is a fight over that seat. I used to rotate their plates so each night someone had the "good seat" now I just put the plates on the table.

    Point being with my post is enforce your "rules" with your children let your wife decide whats best for her children. I spent 2 years fighting with kids to eat at a table. And where has it gotten me ... I am the bad guy and "my son gets away with everything". Repeating myself over and over.... "its not my rule take it up with your father" So now I say ... as long as you clean up your mess you can eat wherever dad says you can.

    There has to be a middle ground... (I hope)...
    Hubby lets his children backtalk everyone.
    Wifey does not allow backtalk.

    Hubby wants children to eat at a table.
    Wifey want children to eat.

  • vistajpdf
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I just think it's really nice to have a sit down dinner, free of distractions from TV, and not having anyone start until all are served. However, it's often unrealistic which is maybe better than saying it is too strict. I think dinner should be a time to unwind, relax, and enjoy conversation. We try not to have the TV on (but we love our sports, so it's DH and I often wanting to peek at a score, lol!) as it's a great habit to get into so that conversation is engaged by all. Maybe have a few more formal sit-down dinners and some 'casual Fridays' here and there to lighten up the mood. That's what I meant by 'baby steps.'

    Again, I wouldn't be comfortable disciplining someone else's kids, but I've also had issues w/ DH who seemed to be reluctant to take care of 'his' side of the family. I'd grow angry, quiet, etc, which didn't solve anything.

    Also, w/ dinner, seems like I'm the one running around being the waitress which annoys me to no end! I'm also irritated by my 3 and 5 y.o. who want to take a bite then walk around, take another bite, then go off and play, etc. We're working on that, but I hate to always have dinner time be spent w/ me yelling at the kids to SIT DOWN! I guess I'm doing something wrong, but my boys are still young.

    Also, I agree that you have two families w/ two very different standards which isn't doing the kids any favors. Again, I think a therapist could help you get on the same page.

    Dana

  • cawfecup
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Vista.... what I did when mine were little... was however old they were ... if they said I am done... and still a plate full of food ... they have to take as many bites as they are old .... I stopped this when they got to be about 10 ... But at at 6 they had to take 6 more bites ... 8 more bites.... made it a game ... as they would eat 8 peas :-) or 6 green beans.

  • orangetree
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Hi Snafu -- here's my 2 cents....

    Children benefit a lot from stability, so my opinion is that if you can save your marriage, you should. I agree with everyone here -- counselling for just you and your wife is a great place to start.

    Jordan sounds like a normal 9-year-old boy. In other words, he is doing what he knows his mother will let him get away with. You are never going to be able to "bring up" Jordan unless his mother fully supports you. If your wife constantly undermines you, I would just step away from the discipline and let her deal with the full consequences of his bad behaviour. (I.e. let her put him to bed, and if she can't put him to bed on time, let her drag his tired, screaming butt to school the next morning) I agree with the others here that your main problem seems to lie with Tammy's parenting style and not Jordan. By the way, 9 years is plenty old enough to be able to sit through a meal at the dinner table!

    You don't write much about how Ryan acts towards Tammy, but I suspect that there is resentment from both sides. I can say from experience that becoming an SM to kids between the ages of 9 and 14 is very, very difficult. Furthermore, if Ryan is already struggling to deal with the pain caused by the actions of BM, there is no way he is going to cut SM any slack. He is going to be hard on her. I do not blame your wife for not enjoying Ryan's counselling sessions; if you attended any of my SD's counselling sessions, I sound like an insensitive monster and the cause of all evils on this side of the country. I understand and agree that Ryan needs counselling. But to find the happy medium between Tammy and Ryan, you need a counsellor who is willing to listen to both sides and work with both to find a solution.

    That said, I will admit that step parenting is not for everyone, and it sounds like Tammy has her own issues to work out in that area. She needs to accept the fact that your children are going to be living with you and that at this stage, she plays a big role on how well the family integrates.

  • totalsnafu
    Original Author
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Ryan hides from her, either in his room, or at friends house. He avoids her like the plague. I contacted his guidence councilor at school and asked her to have a sit down with him. I'll see where that goes and take the next step in helping him get through his issues.

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