Father needs some advise
Hello everyone, Im hoping for a little help (arenÂt we all?). I find myself in a dilemma and after a lot of prayer, and talking to friends whom really are not in the same situation, I am left with even more confusion and worries.
A little background first. IÂm a 36 year old father of 3. My kids are ages 6, 9, and 12. After divorce, (2001) their bio mother lost it (I guess). She had suffered from depression for a long time. I was working as a Correctional Officer and a Union President at the time (2003). My ex had custody and I had weekends with them. My work kept me very busy, and due to this my kids suffered greatly. For 2 years, they lived a pigpen that was so bad it was criminal. My exÂs house was 2 feet deep in trash from one end to the other. I am NOT exaggerating at all. When I found out, 1 discovered a birthday cake that I had given my son 4 months prior sitting in his room. There were 8 gallons of spoiled milk in the kitchen. Bread so moldy that it had liquefied. After finding out how my kids lived, I blamed myself due to the signs being right in front of my face and I did not catch it. Too busyÂ. Never again! My Ex. cut herself off from the children January 2007, and has not visited them since then. She does not call or anything.
At the time, I was remarried to my wife Tammy. She has 2 kids herself. Her son Jordan, who is 9, and a daughter who is 21. When we got married, it was just her son at home with us. My kids would come for the weekend every 2 weeks. During that time, she would shut herself in our room a lot. This lead to some arguments, because I felt as though she did not want to be around my kids. Her excuse was that she was giving us time together alone. I explained that it was not what I wanted, and she came out of the room, but was on edge. After being married about a year, I made my kids abuse discovery. They came to live with us in our 2 bedroom home, while my ex. was evicted from the property, and I gutted and completely rebuilt the house (the settlement on the divorce stated whomever had custody of the children got the property). I did not have my ex. prosecuted for the kids sake, even though I really wanted to for revenge. The revenge would have only satisfied me, not my children, who did not understand.
Tammy cannot handle Jordan. She rarely ever tells him no, and when she does, he turns on the tears, and she gives in to his demands. Enter me the bad guy who is not afraid to say no and stick to it. IÂm not a really strict person, but I expect the rules of the house to be followed. I do realize that they are children, and as children, they will mess up. I was a child once I remember the things that I did. I also understand that age and maturity play a role in how often they mess up, and to what degree. I am more understanding when it comes to the 6 year old breaking the rules that I am my 12 year old.
In all honesty, I am pretty strict about a couple of things:
At dinnertime, we will all sit at the table in a timely fashion, and have manners. There is no getting up and running around for anything. No one will touch their food until everyone had sat down for their meal. Conversation is encouraged. I do have this rule and I am strict about it. I do it for a couple of reasons. I was raised this way, and I understand it. As kids get older, they spend less and less time with the family. My mother used to say that this was the only time that she could guarantee to have my company, and find out what is going on with me. This is one of the few times that you will have the undivided attention of your kids as they get older. The not touching your food until everyone sits down is a sign of respect to the one(s) who spent their time cooking the meal for you. I happen to believe that table manners are important. As you become an adult, some situations will arise that require you to have good table manners, lest others will judge you in a wrong way. Dates, formal dinners, an evening out at a restaurant with your family, etc.
My other thing that I am strict about is a child disrespecting an adult. I will not tolerate it. I was raised that you respect your elders. If a child cannot have respect for their own parents, how will they treat others in society?
Bedtime means bedtime! They all know when bedtime is, and 30 minutes prior to bedtime we make an announcement for everyone to get their PJÂs on and get ready for bed. During this 30 minutes, they are supposed to change clothes, get a light snack if they want one, brush teeth, etcÂ
My 3 kids were taught these rules from the time that they were young, Jordan was not. When Tammy and I got together, Jordan would not sit at the table and have a meal. She allowed him to play and come back for a few bites, and go back to playing. I had an issue with this and after talking we came to an agreement. Jordan was 4 at the time. He is now 9, and we have an issue with him almost EVERY night! He needs to be told to wait for mom to sit down before eating, belching at the table, playing with his food, or getting up to "do something". It drives me crazy! What makes it worse, is Tammy does not say anything to him, I have to. Now my kids are not perfect, but we rarely have to talk to them, and when we do, itÂs usually my 6 year old.
Bedtime is an even bigger treat. Like I said, everyone is notified of bedtime 30 minutes prior. Jordan will do everything possible EVERYNIGHT to not go to bed on time. At 9:00 (bedtime) he will need to get a drink. Then he has to go to the bathroom (not pee if you get my meaning) and he sits there for 15 to 20 minutes on the toilet. Tammy does nothing. She may yell at him, but does nothing else. Again, I have to be the bad guy and go physically put him into bed. Then IÂm mean and he donÂt like me. He breaks out the tear works because he wants to give mom a hug and kiss (again) and I wonÂt let him. Tammy does not get up and deal with him she just yells in to him "Goodnight Jordan" (again). This happens EVERY single night! It drives me nuts! IÂll be honest, I get angry and Tammy tells me to calm down. I canÂt stand that the same thing happens every night.
Jordan refuses to listen to me unless I get in his face and threaten a spanking. IÂve tried everything I can think of to get through to him; time out, grounding, a good fatherly talk, and yes, a swat on the rear. Tammy undermines me at every turn. I ground him, he cries and throws a tantrum and she undoes it. She does not back me where Jordan is concerned.
Now the big issue that is really getting my goat; she has no problem disciplining my children. My kids do not throw the tantrum, as they know I will not tolerate it. They cry, yes, and she yells at them and tells them to suck it up. I do not undermine her, even when I do not agree with what she has done. I wait until we are private and try to discuss the issue with her. My son Ryan is 12 and he takes the worst of her outbursts. They all have chores to do, and if they are not done, or done properly, there are supposed to be consequences. These consequences are usually, having to redo the chore properly, and they lose something in return; T.V. or video game time usually. Tammy will ground Ryan for these infractions, but Jordan receives nothing. Again, I do not undo her grounding even though I disagree with its fairness due to the fact that Jordan receives nothing for his infractions. Tammy will also call or threaten to call JordanÂs bio father instead of handling him herself. I do not like this 1 bit. I do not like having that man involved in my household in that manner, when it should be handled within my walls. She has no problem with taking care of my children, but calls outside of my home to another instead of handling it, as she should, as his mother.
Enter biggest problem; Tammy, in her struggle to figure out why her son acts the way he does has had him at doctor after doctor. He was diagnosed with ADHD about 2 years ago and put on medication. I believed that she used it as a crutch for his acting out. "He can help it, he has ADHD" is all I kept on hearing. (BTW my 6 and 12 year olds are both ADD) JordanÂs father was always saying that he was not having the problems that Tammy does, and for a long time, I did not believe him. I do now. His father disciplines him for negative behavior, where Tammy gives in. Just my observation. About 3 months ago, we were at the DrÂs office for Jordan, yet again, because his mother just canÂt understand why her baby acts the way he does. I seized the opportunity to ask the Dr. questions about ADHD and his behavior. The Dr. looked straight at Tammy and said, "HeÂs playing you!" I felt vindicated and justified. Was a proud day for me to have my beliefs backed up by a Dr. This changed nothing! She went in search of a new Dr. Last week, she found a child psychologist who helped her out with yet another crutch. He diagnosed Jordan with asperger's disease, of which, after doing a lot of reading the last week, I canÂt see it. The symptoms just are not there, but Tammy has a rare disease to point to and say, "He canÂt help it heÂs got ADHD and asperger's disease". The only symptom that he remotely does is, he will not look people in the eye all the time. HeÂll look you in the eye when he wants something, believe me.
Tammy and Ryan are clashing badly. She will not give him an inch. I have taken him to counseling because what has been happing with his bio mother, and I worry about him bottling his hurt up over what she has done to him and his siblings. I also wanted to see if I could find a happy medium for he and Tammy to exist. Tammy has admitted that he reminds her of his bio mother, and she resents his bio mom for upsetting her life and our marriage. Tammy had admitted that she did not want to have my kids living with us full time, and when we dated, and got married, I only had them on the weekend. She was happy with her lifestyle, and resents BM for doing what she did. I think that she is channeling her hatred of BM to Ryan. When asked by the counselor, if she is interested in developing a relationship with my son, she stated, "I donÂt care". I told her, that that statement hurt me tremendously, and that at that point, I was seriously considering a divorce. She refused to go back to RyanÂs counseling sessions, or "Tammy Bashing Sessions", as she called them. That was about 6 months ago. Things have not changed.
My son spends a lot of time at his best friend GarrethÂs house. Garreths mother stopped me 2 nights ago, and asked if we could talk for a few minutes. She asked me what TammyÂs problem was with Ryan. During our talk, I found out that apparently Ryan has taken Garreths mom into confidence, and has been talking to her. Garreths mother is a professional counselor, and she laid down everything that Ryan has told her. All of it was the truth, though some was exaggerated slightly. Her opinion was that Tammy is causing harm to Ryan mentally and emotionally, and that we needed to get into counseling soon. She is a friend of ours, so I donÂt believe that she would steer me wrong, or unjustly accuse Tammy, (her friend), of a wrong doing. She called her house a hiding place (safe house) for my son.
I am now at this point. IÂm not sure of what else to do. I love Tammy. Love her dearly, but I am starting to think that to make my children happy and safe, I need to let her go. I feel bad, because she has become disabled since we got married, and depends on my income for her own survival. Our possessions, I could care less about. She could take everything we own if that was her desire. Material possessions mean little to me. I have prayed for help, and I guess that the Lord is leaving me to handle this one, or maybe the signs are all there, I just am not seeing them very well. My close friends are telling me to cut the ties. I find myself in a household where, my 3 hate Jordan because of the difference in treatment, and Tammy for being mean. I find myself seriously disliking Jordan, and getting to the point where I am tired of trying to mold him into a responsible young man. I think that people here have termed it, disconnecting from him?
IÂm looking for some help here. From others who are looking in the windows from the outside. It just hurts, because I do love her, but if she is harming my children, they need to come before my heart and feelings. I placed something else before them once, and they were hurt because of it, I promised them that I would never do it again, and I think that I already have.
totalsnafuOriginal Author
sweeby
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