First of all I think you are right in putting certain guidelines in place for the sake of your sanity and the family as a whole. I really believe that you and your husband could benefit from counseling with someone who works with blended families and then maybe bring the children in on it...you didn't mention the ages of the children. Your husband handling the situation by screaming is as you know inappropriate and immature. I don't blame you for the ultimatum, however that is rarely useful. You need constructive help from a professional. It's normal for bio parents from both sides to be defensive of someone else correcting their children. I went through this also to lesser degree. Our children were older and we both agreed to parent our own. But that doesn't work when one parent is home alone with all children especially when they are young and need correction. The fighting in front of the children (I'm assuming this by the way you wrote it) will only serve as a vehicle for the stepchildren on both sides to use it against both of you and for them to know that they have found a way to come between you. Not to mention cause them to feel insecure. So handling your differences as calmly as you can in private will benefit all of you.

Agree with Cindy...

You need house rules. Disrespecting anyone is not acceptable.

Turning off the TV may have been an option. Telling the kids that if they cannot get along while watching, no one will be able to watch for the next ____ amount of time. As with games. If everyone is not included, no one can play. Learning to play with others is essential.

Don't argue in front of them. They can see your disagreement and feed off of it. Children can be little vultures. Don't let them see your weakness.

All the kids should have the same rules, and the rules should be enforced by the adults.

I agree with censorship. We do not watch anything over PG with my dd. Unacceptable, in my household. But that is something that is different in every household, and IMO should be discussed along with religion, finances, goals, nutrition, etc at the start of a marriage.

Welcome... I wish I had some words of encouragement. I don't. It really sounds like what my last relationship was like, just before the end. He had 3 kids, I had 3 and they were all just about the same ages. They were quite young when we got together and for the most part, they got along pretty great. The major difference is that until 'our' relationship was going sour, there was no 'my kids' or 'your kids'... it was 'the kids' and all had the same rules, were treated the same, etc. When our relationship began to have problems, he would do the same thing, he would try to throw up something 'MY' kids had done when his kids were getting in trouble. My answer? I told him to deal with his own kids & I'll deal with mine. We broke up shortly after that. Looking back now, it was the wrong answer. Granted, it wasn't a decision that I regret because there were other problems too and obviously, I later met someone better suited for me and I'm happily married now. But, at the time I should have told him that it isn't about yours or mine.. it's about the behavior of one of the kids.... regardless of whose kid it is.

I had three kids. Two boys and a girl (youngest) and the boys annoyed each other. One would complain to me, I'd tell them to stop. That's what kids do. It sounds as if your issue is having different expectations for his children than for your own or not understanding the dynamics of families with multiple children. Growing up, my sisters (I'm the middle daughter of 3) would sometimes refuse to play with me. They would form a 'club' and make me guess the password... which probably changed immediately if I actually guessed the right word. My kids have done those things. Sometimes the parents are aware and can do something about it, sometimes the parents don't know unless a child complains to them about it. But, with more than two kids... it's a kid issue, not a step issue. (and sometimes, it's the child that is complaining that is actually the instigator.... my son would do little things to pester his brother until his brother reacted and then come crying to me... brother gets in trouble and little brother gloats... he's the troublemaker)

The big issue I see is that your husband and you have allowed yourselves to become divided and the kids will see it as a weakness.. divide & conquer. If they can get the two of you to fight... VICTORY. Soon, they will have mom or dad... all to themselves again. (maybe hoping mom or dad will reconcile with the other parent)

I'd suggest counseling for you and DH or maybe a parenting class. Maybe just sit down together and discussing it helps but if it leads to arguments, then I'd get a professional involved.. maybe a pastor, counselor or impartial third party.

I honestly have never been in this situation because I was unable to have children, however I do 2 SDs.

Honestly though, I've noticed that this is not all that unusual in "blended" families, where 1 Stepparent is far more tolerant and lenient towards their own child(ren) than they are towards their Stepkid(s), who in turn, realizes they are being treated unfairly and will start to resent it, if he hasn't already.

I personally feel your conditions are entirely reasonable and appropriate, however I'm afraid your husband may not be able to see it that way.

Even in families that have not been subjected to divorce, parents tend to be far more tolerant and lenient towards their own children. While many will quickly point out the flaws in other people's children, they often don't see those same exact flaws exist in their own as well. It's not really like they're just in denial, the view is simply much different when seen through the "eyes of love".

For this reason, I doubt your husband is even fully aware of his own behavior, and believes his actions are perfectly justified--otherwise, he probably wouldn't be fighting with you over it. Divorced parents are often overly protective, so right now, he's probably seeing it as defending his children against you.

Should you get divorced? I wouldn't rule it out, but before I did that, if you alone can't convince him to see reason, this is the very type of situation that counselors who specialize in "blended family" issues can help with. Sometimes it just takes an objective 3rd party who is not emotionally invested in the situation, with the skill and training to help guide a couple towards seeing the other person's viewpoint so they can gain a better understanding of not only each other, but their actions as well to resolve the issue.

My husband and I are currently in therapy, not exactly for problems with each other though, but we both feel it's been highly beneficial.

I wish you luck!

I am sorry, it must feel bad for you to watch your kid being treated unfairly. How old are your children? i don't know what excatly to advice wiht the exception of going seeing a family therapist together and get to the bottom of it.

i agree with your conditions. no adult shows, no mean jokes, no yelling at the kids etc. he might not know how to parent and need help. maybe buy some parenting book for the beginning, see how he feels about learning about parenting...some men are clueless...

"Turning off the TV may have been an option. Telling the kids that if they cannot get along while watching, no one will be able to watch for the next ____ amount of time"

I don't agree with this theory. My DH will do this kind of thing, as well. I agree---if the kids are BOTH participating in the misbehavior then it's okay to lay down a consequence that affects them both. But you do have to be objective and if one child truly is the instigator, and the other child is trying to resolve the situation or is asking a parent for help to resolve it----then turning off the tv just punishes the child who didn't do anything, step or bio.

I feel for you. I can tell you that in stepfamilies, whether people will admit it or not, there is a tendency to side with your own child or to be more lenient on him/her. I know I am guilty of this. What I have to do in these kinds of situations is make a CONSCIOUS effort to be fair. On the inside, the MOMMY side of me might want to rush to my daughter's defense...and there are many times that is how I FEEL. But I can't allow myself to act on those feelings.

So--I think part of what you are experiencing is normal. I do think your guidelines are good ones. It IS hard to be completely impartial and fair and, for the time being, it might be better if you two DO keep discipline separate. Like you said, you focus on your child and let DH handle his two.

Now, my DH and I have tried to do this, and the problem is--when you are all together and the kids are fighting, teasing, arguing...keeping it *separate* can be a challenge.

In this case, I think your household needs to have clear-cut rules and clear-cut consequences for breaking those rules. Post them some place where everyone can see them. That way there can be NO denying them or accusing anyone of being unfair.

For example:

1.) NO hitting/pushing/kicking or anything else physical. No excuses. It doesn't matter if he hit you first, doesn't matter if he was teasing you, etc. No excuses for anyone that gets physical. Automatic loss of _____ privilege for ___amount of time.

2.) No name calling

And whatever other things you think there need to be.

I also think the fighting in front of or around the kids is contributing to them not getting along. If they see tension betweeen you two, they will act that out among each other. I know it can be hard but really, you both have to make a conscious effort to NOT ENGAGE in front of or around the kids. Even if your DH starts arguing with you, bite your tongue. Tell him "we will discuss this later at an appropritate time" and walk away. Don't let him drag you into something.

Counseling might be a good idea. It sounds like he could use some parenting tips, and you could both probably benefit from some advice geared towards blended families---as could we all, I know!

I have not been in this situation but if i had, i would handle it exactly how you are doing it.
Your husband and you are not on the same page. That is obvious and his anger is building...
Is there something else cause pressure on your family? Cause you both have been together a long time, well, long enough to know if there would be problems with the kids. And if this was an issue before you got married, then i think i would never have married this guy. BUt if he just changed in the last year i would have to sit down with him and ask why.
The conditions you have laid down are realistic and true for a family setting and a respectful setting for all the kids involved.
If your husband cannot comply with these, i would divorce. You do not want children being rude or your child to suffer because he is quick to punish your child but you cannot say boo..to his ...no no no no...not going to work.
You must lay the ground rules and all the kids have ot be handled the same way. You MUST work as a team! if not, all the kids will rebel..

I have survived the last two days since our argument. My husband says that we can not be a family but have the my kids your kids thing happening. So I said fine we can make another attempt. But I told him that every behavior does not need to be corrected in the same day and if there is a particular behavior that is bothering him address that one only until it gets changed and then go to another otherwise the kids will not know if they are coming or going!!! I also told him that how he corrects them makes a huge difference. If he says it in a normal voice and without getting a piss** look on his face it is a lot better than raising his voice and looking mad.

So yesterday went well. And just to make things fair I privately pointed out each behavior his kids were doing all day long to him that he has yelled at my child for in recent days. I could see how stupid he felt when he realized that all the kids do the same things. Not sure if he yet realized that he payed so much attention to every little thing my child was doing that his own two got away with the same things. But I think that made an impact on him.

And at night he kept the tv kid friendly until they went to bed. We do not watch a lot of tv but at night my husband always sits down and watches some about an hour before the kids go to bed.

Thanks so much for all your words of wisdom.

Organic Maria there are some other things that have been stressful lately and may be weighing in on his attitude. His company that he worked for many years for began downsizing a few months ago so he has been trying to find something better and more stable because he is worried about being layed off. And his ex wife has been giving us headaches too.

Yikes. Sorry for all your troubles. I agree with whoever said that the kids will see your weakness in arguing in front of them with one another, and they will pick at that, and use the divide and conquer method. So you both may want to get on the same page and remain on that same page, otherwise you will have some rocky times ahead of you.