I agree. Unfortunately some posters are unable to be objective. They filter nearly everything by assigning the (real or imagined) horrible traits of "their" BM or SM to every situation.

In my case, my SD and BM spoke at least twice a day, sometimes more, when she was with us. We didn't see anything wrong with that at all. When she wasn't with us, her dad and I called her whenever we wanted to. I also felt free to call her on my own and BM never had a problem with any of this either. It IS about the kids.

The active population on this forum seems to be skewed toward a lot of custodial StepMoms where the BioMoms are dysfunctional from either substance or mental health problems. Clearly, that's not the most typical pattern of step-families -- just that there seems to be a lot of them here.

So sometimes a discussion gets rolling along those lines and some of the BioMoms seem to take it very personally and see it as 'taking sides' --

Whatever...
You know who they are, right?
Grain of salt...

Sweeby, to me part of the problem is some of the custodial SMs give sweeping advice that doesnt translate well to typical EOW SM. Some may have put in such difficult situations, it is tough to deal with.

Yes, take them with a grain of salt is good advice.

"to me part of the problem is some of the custodial SMs give sweeping advice that doesnt translate well to typical EOW SM."

Yes, but I think this attitude is part of the general problem. I don't think the typical stepmom is an EOW one. The "typical" EOW dad is just not as prevalent today as 20, even 10 years ago. More and more courts are leaning towards joint-custody arrangements and this has resulted in many dads and, therefore, SMs being much more involved in the lives of their stepkids.

I don't know for sure but it seems to me that the majority of stepmoms on this forum have their stepchildren a substantial amount of time.

well besides everything else it is anonymous forum, so whatever people post here is just one side of the story or just plain lie.

We had couple of people posting here who are either related or know each other. they all posted completely different perspective on the same situation. and on occassion people made up stories or grossly exagerrated. so we have to keep in mind that we have no ways of knowing if anything here is even remotelly true.

i also have to say that people are a bit biased and apply different standard depends who is a main character. and give very different advice depends who is asking.

it might be because some SMs here have to deal wiht drug addicted mentally ill BMs all the time, and it clouds their judgement. like they cannot see passed that.

i was accussed here once that sometimes I defend SM and sometimes BM, i am supposedly not consistent enough. lol Well i just do not employ double standard, sometimes I think BM is right and sometimes dad or SM. It is a bit annoying when people assume that dad and SM are always right in every situation just because that's how their own life is. but every situation is different.

As an example two phone calls a day and after 8PM are disruptive no matter who calls, mom or dad. I do not need to always choose mom's side just because I am mom. I miss objectivitiy in this forum, but it is what it is.

My take on it is, if you're not a stepmom, then you don't have any idea what it's like to be one. Most of us here are biomoms and stepmoms, a simultaneous role that is difficult to balance fairly. But then we all have simultaneous roles of one type or another. The best thing we all could do is try and hang back and get an objective perspective of where we're all coming from before jumping on any bandwagon...of which I've been guilty of doing.

Cindy, some of the people here who are biomom and stepmom do not have biodad of their children in picture, so they dont see the other side of some problems. They dont have to deal with their kids at other house on regular basis.

One SM, fleurs, here was complaining about how she didnt get front row seat at SD wedding. She said she treated SD just like a mom, then she said she was EOW and two weeks in summer, that she cut down to one week. Others her -- not all -- congragulated her and said oh yes, why let the steps ruin YOUR vacation. So there are all types.

"Cindy, some of the people here who are biomom and stepmom do not have biodad of their children in picture, so they dont see the other side of some problems. They dont have to deal with their kids at other house on regular basis."

Well, I would be one of those you are referring to. And it's true, I don't have to deal with my DD going to her dad's house. So no, I don't know how it feels from that standpoint. I know how my DH feels with having his son be at his mom's half the time, though.

Also, KKNY, correct me if I am wrong, but I was under the impression that your daughter has never spent any time at her dad's house with her stepmom. So you can't really say that YOU know what that's like, either.

DD has pretty decent dad and pretty decent SM and might I say decent mom. But it does not mean i think every dad or every SM or every mom are OK. i also have good parents, but I know some people don't. i don't think my life expereince is the only one counts.

yes i remember fleur's story, it was hillarious. she was mad that kids come 2 weeks in summer and ruin her vacation. she insisted they only come for one week. yet she wanted first row at the wedding. too funny.

DD has spent relatively little time with Dads SO. One of the more recent times SO told her that I was the one who had an affair. Haha. Like DD didnt know the truth. SO has called me up in a drunken stupor. DD is under instructions never to get in car with her. So yes, I have had to deal with theis woman and how she interelates with DD.

I don't imagine that you're going to find a whole lot of people who aren't having any problems or stepfamily issues on this forum. My husband and I went for a long time without any major problems and during that time, I wasn't on any forums because there wasn't any need!

If all someone is looking for is a friendly ear who will provide comfort and validation, that's what friends and "yes" men are for, as long as you realize that they'll only tell you what they think you want to hear, or what you already know.

I personally have plenty of friends and employees for that, and they're great for comfort and validation, but when I'm actually seeking a viable solution to a serious problem that I can actually impliment and put into effect, well I really don't need anyone to tell me my own "point of view"--I can do that myself!

I personally welcome CONSTRUCTIVE criticism because it helps enable me to see the "other point of view", because if I can't see it, I can't fix it! It may not always appear that way, but I do find opposing viewpoints to be far more beneficial because to actually resolve a dispute between 2 or more people generally requires a certain amount of compromise on BOTH sides. And if you can't fully understand and EMPATHIZE with their point of view, there's almost no chance they will ever see yours, and then about the only way to ever reach a resolution, is to hand all your hard-earned money over to an attorney for the privilege of giving up your freedom of choice and other rights, and handing them over to a judge who will make your decisions about YOUR life for you. I personally see that as the "far greater evil."

I realize sometimes the other party leaves you no other choice, but feel court should never be used as the first "option" but only as the absolute last resort.

I'll not only take the bad with the good, but also view the most difficult and negative posts as being the most important, because that's the ones I learn the most from. Understanding another's point of view not only means recognizing when they're just trying to "push your buttons", but even more important, WHY they're doing it, so you can react and respond accordingly.

I feel that most important though is learning to distinguish between when they're just trying to "push your buttons" from when they're actually making a valid point! Because that's usually the very KEY that enables me to find a resolution to the problem I'm facing in my real life, which will hopefully be a compromise both parties can comfortably live with.

Disengaging -- so how did you pick that screen name?

As someone so kindly and gently pointed out, I am not married to my SO. And my X is not married to his SO. But he and I have been with our respective SOs as long as we have been divorced. They have given DS support throughout his life and have been involved with him since he was 3-1/2. He will be 10 next week so I consider them to be integral parts of his life.

I believe I have a well-rounded view of stepfamilies with the exception of being a stepchild myself. I come from an intact family so I have not been in the same position as posters like Raek and Nivea. I completely and totally appreciate their views from their perspective because they give me a glimpse of what my DS is feeling. I may not agree all the time with them, but their posts are invaluable to me and I take everything they say with great consideration.

My SO has an X-wife with a husband and I was VERY involved with my SO's DD up until about 9 months ago when she moved. She was 7-1/2 when I came on the scene and will be 14 in 3 months. I try to be involved when she is here, but my role is more limited to the "favorite aunt" role. Before she moved, SO had her every single weekend. So I was involved with her extra-curricular activities and such. I love her as much as I could ever love my own kid, but I have to keep those feelings in so I don't step on any toes. She doesn't reciprocate these feelings. I know she likes to be with me but feels as though she's betraying her mom if she genuinely loves me. It's something I'm working on because I want to make things as easy on her as possible. My heart gets stepped on frequently by her rejection of me and her rebellion against me. But if I harden my heart to her, we will never have a relationship, even a friendly one.

I am also a BM who's X and his SO are actively involved in his life. My DS has a great support network and I would never want anything less. It's taken a long time for me to gain appreciation for X's SO because she started off wanting to plant drugs on me to get custody of DS. Over the years, I have started to appreciate the happiness DS has in their home and her love for him that keeps him safe. I started to view her differently and realize that she is just as unsure about her role in DS's life as any SM is. DS goes there EOW but they are at all of his games and school functions so there is a lot of interaction with them.

We live with my SO so that means he interacts with my DS every single day. That is another perspective I would love some advice on. I have no idea what it's like to have my child live somewhere else and be helping to raise my SO's child. It's got to be awkward.

I guess my point in all this is that I try to take each situation as unique and see all sides of it as I have a different view of the situation from each of my vantage points. Sometimes I'm on the outside looking in and sometimes I'm in the middle of it. If it's a mom talking aboout problems with her X's SO, I try to think about how I would/should react while dealing with my DS's father's SO. If it's a SM who can't get along with her SD, I try to look at it as how would I feel with my SO's SD.

And I do like constructive criticism when it's given in the right spirit. I do not take kindly to unwarranted assumptions and bashing as this will cause me to get defensive and not see anything useful in what the person is telling me.

"That is another perspective I would love some advice on. I have no idea what it's like to have my child live somewhere else and be helping to raise my SO's child. It's got to be awkward."

I agree, Ashley, and I would be curious to hear what others who have been there have to say. I know it took my DH a long time to get to the point where he didn't feel guilty about parenting my DD all the time, and only having his own son half the time. Not say that he doesn't still feel guilty, but he did work through a lot of those issues. I could see a big change in how he related to my DD and how active of a role he was willing/wanted to take about two years ago.

You know, kkny and finedreams, you two are the quintessential "reinterpret the original post and add a few ideas of my own to slam the OP" queens.
Having read fleurs posts more carefully, her contention regarding the summer vacation was that her husband only had two weeks of vacation per year, and for many years after they married they had never had a vacation together, just on their own. _One time_ she asked for a week to spend with her husband, which I don't think is unreasonable. _Once_. As for the "complaining about not getting a front row seat", she seemed more upset on her husband's behalf because the original seating arrangements were changed at the last minute and she and her husband, _the bride's father_, were moved to sit behind the inlaws and aunts. What hurt her was that while all the other women in the family were given corsages, she was not, which again, I agree is unnecessarily hurtful.

i don't misinterpret, i disagree. if mom had the kids the whole year 24/7, what is fleur's justification for vacation on their own? mom didn't have vacation on her own because she had the kids the whole year.

fleur and her DH had the luxury of only haivng kids EOW and enjoying their privacy the rest of the time. Under these circumstances demanding having vacation on their own is pretty inconsidered. people with young children have family vacations and don't expect much privacy.

maybe it was unnecessary to hurt her this way at the wedding but taking in consideration amount of time she spent wiht the kids (and even that was too much for her) I don't know what other roles she wanted to pay at the wedding? the same as aunts or in-laws? they probably were much closer to the kids. corsages? she didn't come across as very involved or considered SM.

maybe SD was resentful and hurt over the years and it spilled out at the wedding.

maybe it was too harsh and unnecessary, but i suspect SD knew that fleur complained about having kids for too much and wanting vacations alone. revenge is not nice... but what goes around comes around.
Kids usually are pretty good in feeling not wanted. It is hard to hide from them.

"One of the more recent times SO told her that I was the one who had an affair. Haha."

KKNY, are you stuck in the past or what? I came onto this board nearly a year and a half ago and you were talking about that then.... THAT is a more recent time? WOW! I consider recent, in the last few months or weeks. A year and a half ago is ancient history.... well, at least it isn't 'recent'. haha

liesbeth,

I am a biomom (today is my son's 22nd birthday) so I've been a biomom longer than the two years I have been a step mom to my husband's daughter. While I didn't have a regular 'co-parenting' relationship with my 22 year old son's father (he was my rapist), there was a period of several years where my son went back and forth and we dealt with many of the issues most parents deal with... including me having to deal with my son having a stepmom that I disliked... and disliked me, but she parented my son and he called her mom.

I agree that unless you are or have been a step parent, you cannot possibly begin to understand what it is like... and each situation (or with each child) it can be unique. It might be a little easier for those that are step children to understand but I still don't think a step child can fully appreciate their experiences until they too, become a step parent. Being a step parent can shed an entirely different light on your perspective as a stepchild. I am a step child and now, as a step parent, I can see the difficulties that my step mom faced.

Ima, I agree unless you have been a SM, you dont likely understand what is going on there, but your relationship with your childs father is not typical. Of course, not your fault, but it is not a steady, or even a consensual relationship. When I started my relationship with my childs father, the expectation was we would raise a child togethor, without a third party.

Ima,

I have said this before, but for the benefit of others new to the board, I am so aorry for your experiences. I hope others recognize I stand for the rights of all girls and women, no matter what.

Regardless of expectations, sometimes things don't happen the way we plan. Granted, I didn't plan to be raped, but I did have my son.. fully expecting to raise him alone. I never imagined his bio father would assert any parental rights.. but four years later he did and was treated as if we had been in a consensual relationship. At one point during a custody/visitation hearing, the Judge told me "you chose to have a child with this man!" and I said "No, I didn't!" but the statute of limitations prevented me (and apparently the court) from treating him as the rapist he was.

My point is, that not all of us became single parents by choice... not all of us are put in the situation of having a third party involved by choice either. It sucks. It happens. Life goes on and we make the most of what is dealt to us. I could have wallowed in self pity or spent my life angry at my situation but I chose to make the most of it and make MY life happy. My life didn't become happy when I met my husband, it became happy when I chose to not let what someone else did to me, destroy me and my life. I was happy for quite some time before I met my husband if if I were still single today, I would still be just as happy. I really don't want anyone to feel sorry for my experiences because I have learned from all of them and they have made me who I am & given me strength I never knew I had.

My situation doesn't have to be typical to count. None of our situations are 'typical'. Not every person here has been married before. Not every person's marriage ended in divorce because of an affair.

Of course your situation counts, as does everyones. My point is when we are comparing everyone's experiences/backroudnds (SM, biomom, etc.) yours is a little different than mine or Fd or others.

Disengaging -- so how did you pick that screen name?

kkny,

Disengaging as in from certain emotional attachments.

Only the people you care about have the power to hurt you. Those you care about the most, also have the power to hurt you the most and cause the greatest pain.

Again, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

I can't "hate" my husband's X, I never cared about her--I hardly even know her! If she died tomorrow, I'd feel very sad for my SDs, but that's about it.

I'll never stop caring about my SDs, just not as much.

I've just come to realize that regardless if I am talking as a SM or BM I am ALWAYS right and you all are blessed to be the recipients of my pearls of wisdom.

he he he. Back to my mojito.

"I've just come to realize that regardless if I am talking as a SM or BM I am ALWAYS right and you all are blessed to be the recipients of my pearls of wisdom. he he he. Back to my mojito."

I agree JNM... If you don't mind I'm coming over... have my own glass and bringing a fresh bottle!!!

lisbeth,

I am a step-mom of adult skids(one was 14 when I got together with DH) and a biomom of a young son. I have only been coming here a couple of months and I agree with you regarding the bias of SMs vs. BMs. I've shared just a couple, big to me, problems with my SS29 and boy, I was slammed from the stepkid/BM contingent here. Zero empathy for my problems with my SS.

However, what I found useful from that was hearing how these people really think and feel. Take away that from all of the back and forth and you'll get something useful. I do.

I find it ironic, and somewhat insulting, to hear SMs referred to as the "third party". The "third party" theory may be the case when it comes to the SM who only has her SC EOW and a few weeks during the summer. But there are so many of us here who do what these BM should be doing for their own children, and choose not to. They push the responsibilty of the children on the BF, and if he is married, on the SM as well. You can sit there and say that SM should have no say and are nothing more than a "third party", but in what seems most cases on this site, it is the BM who is the "third party". It just burns me that I do everything for my SC, as I do for my DD, everyday of their lives, and I still have to hear from BM that I have no say, a "third party". Thank goodness DH has my back!

So before you claim that we SM are "third parties", please consider our roles in these childrens lives. You'll find in alot of cases, we are the only REAL mothers these kids have. I agree that there are many SM who are detrimental to their SC, just as many BM are detrimental to their own kids. But I think a SM has to be given a chance to be a SM before judgement can be passed upon them. I did not have that chance before I was judged by BM. However, BM is the only one who thinks I am a worse "mother" than she is!

And please don't think I have anything against BM who care for their children the way a mom should. I too am a BM who has found that it is better for my DD to work with her SM than to try to work against her. She is a part of my DD life whether I like it or not. I don't agree with alot of what she does, but by giving her respect for the role she plays in DD life, we manage to make things smoother for my child. And in the end, it is the happiness of the child that matters most.

Who says that SM's are third party?? I'm confused..

perdue and liesbeth, as I understand kkny was just making general comment, not talking about situations wiht SMs involved or raising stepkids but rather situation similar to hers.
like her DD's father's GF. Woman is rather nasty to DD, calls kkny when she is drunk and also tells her DD lies etc. not a good woman.

I have the title SM cause i guess that is what people label you in this society when you are married to a man iwth kids from another marriage.
BUt i dont have the enormous responsibility as others have on this site.
THey are suppose to come EOW but now they are coming...Every other month. THey do not bring homework. BM stops them. And if they do they are under strict orders not to ask for my help. THey do not communicate as before. Again BM , under strict orders to keep to themselves.
So when they do come, they are visitors in my eyes, i honestly do nothing for them except cook meals and maybe clean Sd underwear if she has leaked from her period. So very minimum , mommy duties.
I had more responsibility early in the relationhsip but since it was a really good relationship with kids , BM stopped this.
So, in a way i was sad and yet at the same time have learned not to care anymore. Just cant be bothered wasting energy on anyone whether it be BM or SK when they act in such a negative manner.
In the end, it doesnt matter what title you have. SM , BM. SF..whatever. ARe you a good person? Do you repsect the people around you? do you give and help others?
Like i've said before, their are people with SM or BM titles, but if they are mean and nasty, they are not good people. And the kids suffer in the end.
I can understand some of the remarks kkny has. and everyoneis entitled to their opinion. We may not all agree but lets agree to disagree.

Organic Maria, I agree with you 100%! For many years I did things for my SS who is now 29. Bought him clothes, helped with homework when he was in high school, got him tutors, listened to him kvetch about BM without contributing more negativity, took him places, did the same for his kid etc etc etc.

SS and SD are adults now. SD very independent, SS still with his hand out. I now feel blessed that they have never lived with me. I think it's hard being on either side of the fence.

I see it as I have always viewed message boards or forums....take what you can use and leave the rest.