Grad Party Etiquette Question

11 years ago

Folks here seem to enjoy chiming in on etiquette questions, so here's another one.

Later in the summer, I'm having a grad school graduation party. I'm 50 and unapologetically old-school with respect to etiquette, especially invitations - i.e. I don't believe gifts should ever be mentioned.

But I so want to write "no gifts, please" because I'm an atypical older grad who don't want/need anything, some of my guests are struggling financially, and some of my guests are former bosses and colleagues. This party is to thank THEM for the support they've given me over the past four years, not to get anything in return.

I know that including a phrase like this creates a presumption that I'm assuming people will give gifts, which is tacky, even though it's reality. I'm really torn.

Thoughts?

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Comments (12)

goldgirl
Original Author
11 years ago
Eek - this was supposed to be in Conversations. Sorry!
cakelly1226
11 years ago
I love to see your presence is the only present desired please!
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The Pretty Lady & Two monks Once upon a time a old monk and a young monk were traveling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river.There they found a pretty lady stuck at the damaged bridge who couldn't cross the river on her own. The young monk offered to carry the pretty lady across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The old monk was shocked by the move of the young monk. "How can my disciple brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?" thought the old monk. But he kept quiet. The young monk carried the lady across the river and the old monk followed unhappily. When they had crossed the river, the young monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the old monk was very unhappy with the act of the young monk. He was making up all kinds of accusations about the young monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the young monk had no inclination to explain his situation. Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the old monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the younger monk. "How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite." The young monk looked surprised and said, "I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?" This very old Chinese zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate and make us angry. Sometimes, they even cause us lot of hurt or make us bitter. But like the old monk, we are not willing to let them go. We keep on carrying the baggage of the "unpleasant memory" with us. We let it keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony. Why?
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Sounds to me like the husband opened the evite, didn't mention it to wife, wife was embarrassed and got snitty with husband. Now, husband is defensive and unconsciously tries to make it your fault. Or, he's one of those people who actually deletes emails and vaguely remembered the evite but not the particulars. In any case, your wording seemed clear enough for me. But, I also know from experience (over two decades in the restaurant biz) that it is fairly common for awkward situations to occur once the check comes to the table. You never know what bad experiences people might have had or even what flea might have bitten their butts on the day you encounter them. I have learned in life that when people are rude, prickly, or difficult, it generally has more to do with what is going on in their lives than in anything personal. I'll join the crowd and suggest some fruit, nuts, cheese, chocolates etc. Make it things you would have a reason to use as leftovers, since people probably won't eat much after a good meal. I don't think you have to offer too much in either the way of variety or quantity. If you had cocktails or wine with dinner, I would make sure to put out a tray with a pitcher of garnished ice water and nice tumblers so people who don't care to drink any more alcohol can have something that looks/feels "festive" in their hands. A restaurant where I dined recently served their water with slices of cucumber and strawberry in it. Very pretty, different, and surprisingly fresh tasting.
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I'm not a definitive source and surely don't claim to be Miss Manners but it seems to me the only time I can think of where it'd be proper to name names is in the event of a guest of honor or something like that where the attendance of the person would attract people. "I'm having a dinner with Guest of Honor Mr/Ms X who will be speaking about ___". If someone were to ask "is _______ going to be there" I'd ask why unless I knew a reason. If someone were wondering to find out what attire would be appropriate that could be a little different. I could see someone wondering generically who will be there, family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, rough number of people expected, or perhaps if it's couples only, children welcome or something could be valid but for the most part, invitees really don't need to know and it'd make more work for the host to have to give a list.
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According to ettiquette, you are not supposed to note where you are registered on any kind of invitation. That being said, I doubt the couple has even registered yet if this is only their engagement party. I would bring a gift; I think most people will. Yes, you may have actually come up with an idea on your own, but isn't that what gift giving is really all about! Here is a link that might be useful: Gift Ideas
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les917
11 years ago
If your intention is to honor them I wouldn't call it a graduation party, or mention your graduation. Just invite them over for a summer party, and at some point when everyone is gathered, bring up your educational journey, and that you wanted to honor them for all the support, etc. they provided. Raise your glass, toast them, say something about 'of everything I have learned, the most important is that the loving support of family and friends makes anything possible'.

But if you go for a graduation party theme, then you are stuck, because there is no correct way to deal with the presents issue except to not mention it.
ellendi
11 years ago
I agree with les and CK. Well said.
cyn427 (z. 7, N. VA)
11 years ago
I was going to say exactly what Les said. Just invite them to a summer party and then at some point, you can make a toast to all of them thanking them. That would be lovely.

I have seen the "your presence is only present" and people still always bring gifts.
goldgirl
Original Author
11 years ago
You know Les, at first I thought I couldn't really get away with your approach because many of the guests are specifically tied to school and everyone knows what we're celebrating. I actually graduate this month, but decided to hold off on a party until right after I (and my classmates) take the Bar exam because we're already busy studying for that day and night.

But the more I think about it, the more I think it doesn't make sense to call it a graduation party anyway, given the party. And since everyone attending knows what it's about, there's no need for the invitation to even mention graduation. By just calling it a "party," it's not overtly tied to a traditional milestone and hopefully folks won't feel the need to bring anything except themselves. I realize some will bring a gift anyway, and that's okay, but I'll feel better about the whole thing.

Thanks for the suggestion!
goldgirl
Original Author
11 years ago
Oops - that should have said, "given the timing."
LuAnn_in_PA
11 years ago
Even when you mention No Gifts Please - directly or cleverly - some people will still bring gifts.
uafly1
11 years ago
Another suggestion,

In lieu of gifts, please consider making a donation to xyz charity.
terezosa / terriks
11 years ago
I think that technically it is a breach of etiquette to mention gifts at all. Plus, If someone really wants to give a gift it's not up to you to tell them that they can't!
lindac
11 years ago
Never mention a gift in an invitation.
I think the best suggestion is to just "have a party"...presumably no red solo cups>>:-Q
If you feel a need to give a "reason"....how about to honor all my wonderful friends?
Linda C
lynninnewmexico
11 years ago
Great suggestions, Goldgirl and a big CONGRATULATIONS, too!!!

Grad Party Etiquette Question

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goldgirl
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cakelly1226

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