I don't see this as revenge at all.

It's more a question of self-esteem.

If she keeps him around simply for the paycheck and health insurance, doesn't that make her a prostitute of sorts (okay, without the sex, but maybe that's even worse, in some ways). How could she get up in the morning, and look herself in the face in the mirror, if she decides to live that way? I can't even imagine selling my mind and soul for rent money.

It is a good idea for her to think this through, of course. To take her time, get her finances and options together. To make sure she's prepared to live on her own. But she needs to be working toward that independence, or eles the rest of her life will be worth nothing.

Me? I wouldn't have overlooked even one cheating episode. If I suspected it, I'd have confirmed for sure whether it did or did not happen. And I've ALWAYS, through my 35 year marriage (27 years of which I've been a SAHM/W), had enough money in my own name so that I could survive for at least a couple of years, if that were to become necessary. I do believe more women need to take the initiative to make sure they have that necessary emergency fund. And if you never need it, and it's invested well, it can pay off big time. It's that money, added to my inheritance from my mom that's making it possible for us to take advantage of the current low RE market, and buy a second home before we sell our first. You never go wrong with money in the bank, and every woman should have some of her own.

But back to your original question. Yes, she needs to leave him--it's unfair to both for her to stay ONLY for financial reasons. BUT she has to think this through and do it the right way.

I'm with you, Ashli. I'd keep him for the money. But, I'd make my own life.

She's entitled to alimony I would think. Plus 1/2 of whatever he has also (in Nebraska anyway). She needs a good divorce lawyer. She doesn't need to stay. She can ask and get continued coverage for her health insurance from his company. She shouldn't be in a hurry to settle. Until things are settled, she should be able to get temporary support/alimony.
She needs a good divorce lawyer, and some more self esteem. Maybe she could find some group therapy.
Leslie

It depends on what state she lives in as to whether she would get alimony. There is none in Texas, only child support. Of course if she got a divorce she would get her share of what they own. She would need to hire a lawyer.

I wonder what's wrong with their marriage if they haven't had a sexual relationship in ten years or longer. It sounds like the marriage has been in trouble for a long time and she has just now reached the point where she's ready to do something about it. She is the only one who knows what is best for her and unless she is asking for advice, I would just let her know that she could always talk to me.

It sounds like he has cheated on her before the horrible accident. And now that he is able to work he has returned to his old behavior she just can't "keep quiet for the family". I also think she has thought long and hard about this, probably for years even. I think she should live her own life. It's about time she have a life where she can hold her head up and feel good about who she is and feel some happiness in her life. She can have a consultation with a lawyer to find out what the laws are in her state. I applaud her for finally drawing the line on what seems to be a very sad and dysfuntional marriage. Marrige to me is built on a foundation of love and strong friendship. Sometimes one or the other isn't always what it should be, but when both of those feelings are gone...it's time to regain your soul and spirit and move on.

I would be the kind of friend I would want in this situation. Just be there with open arms, listen and support her with whatever she decides to do.

~Susan

It's a miserable way to live, the way she has been all these years. A friend told me to stay with the ex until I got out of nursing school, but I couldn't take it anymore. It was hard but I would've felt even worse about myself if I had stayed. I realize she's older than me but she can get a job even at her age. She may not be able to keep the house.

You have a valid reason to say 'think it over", here the only grounds for divorce are " irreconcilable difference and there is NO alimony. She needs to think it over with an attorney.
So, in one year she can collect her SS and have medicare on her own. (She needs to speak with an attorney and see about a legal separation until she can get her finances in order.)

The house is community property and so would be sold and each would get 1/2 of what is left over, she may be able to draw on his SS; but it doesn't sound like there would be much with him having been out of work. Any assets they have work that way, but so do any liablilites.

I agree with your concerns for her,but it depends on a lot of things. Sounds like she wasn't in a position to stash savings for herself, and that's a consideration. She sure isn't going to get a quality job at her age to support herself. Could/would she stay with he adult kids until she qualified for senior housing?

Sounds to me like she really needs a friend to talk to right now, I'd call her.
Kathy ( who did divorce a MISERABLE dog years ago) LOL!

My Mom told me "No matter what shape your marriage is in, Always have some 'walking money' tucked away"

Different generations..she married at 17, 45 years ago with a 11th/ grade education. Divorce was so rare and people believed for better or worse, and didn't stash money because they might leave.
Leaving a marriage after all those years is MAJOR..Kathy

Just sending best wishes for whatever she deciedes, but she needs some legal advice to protect herself.

This is definitely one I would stay out of....regardless of her asking your opinion. It is a no-win situation for YOU.

I personally think she is making a mistake. And YOU don't know all the facts....just what you've heard from her.

ashli, I think you gave Jill very good advice.

My first marriage ended in divorce, but I was in my 20s with a good job.

In Jill's situation - 61 with an 11th grade education and no savings - it is not in her best interest to do anything rash because of an accusation by his coworker. She should certainly find a job or hobby she enjoys and create a nice life for herself outside of her sexless marriage. She should also consult an attorney so she'll know her options wrt social security and health care if they separate or he gets fired for harassment (it doesn't sound like he will).

Telling your 61-year-old friend that she should've been saving and investing money for the past 45 years would not be helpful to her. She knows that already and a lecture from you would only make her feel worse. Tell her to think long and hard before "throwing him out of the house." Reassure her that you'll be there for her no matter what.

I usually try to avoid commenting on these situations but I couldn't bite my lip here. I guess I have a few other thoughts on it. First a disclaimer: I have problem with the way divorce has become so commonplace and people have chosen to re-write their vows (remember them?) to be "till irreconcilable differences do we part". To me, divorce is acceptable in a very small percentage of cases so perhaps it would taint my view. I'm bothered when someone questions how a person can live with themself for not walking out, yet no problem living with themself as a liar. And now that I've offended 2/3 of the married populace, I'll move on.

That said, IMO you gave wise advice to think it over and she surely should consider all points, and not just the financial. Is she using the term "revenge"? If so, it says something. No, revenge won't make you feel better and if you're leaving for revenge, you'll likely only hurt yourself.

Just as he's damned by his non-denial (but with this limited info, he didn't admit to it and we don't even know what the allegations are), she is equally damned by acquiescing to and thereby condoning his alleged discretions in the past. Now she wants to go back in time and change her mind on her decisions made way back when. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all go back and change our minds? I surely would have invested in Microsoft, bought an oil company, not dated ____ and well, needn't say more. That was then, this is now.

The allegations are important. And by the sound of things, they're probably relatively minor and to blow it out of proportion isn't sage advice. Let's face facts, if he raped the co-worker, there'd be a termination and criminal charges. Likewise if he grabbed her inappropriately (as in assault/battery), yet no mention of charges so likely there are none. Actually, he KEPT his job and that says a LOT. What does that say? In today's society, with the fear of legal liability, political repercutions and otherwise, few companies would stick their neck out to keep an employee that would be a liability. If it was something truly serious the boss wouldn't have just said "don't do it again". If the boss said not to do it again, it sounds like it was possibly something lik a verbal issue, possibly something that could have been taken wrong or was tasteless or whatever. The term "sexual misconduct" is an explosive term as evidenced here. But it's also a blanket term. Emailing someone a cartoon of a vision-impaired caterpillar propositioning a french fry can be construed as "sexual misconduct" and would probably result in someone being similarly disciplined as what happened here. So to everyone charging forth with the torches, pitchforks and nooses, I'd urge some calmness before selecting the tree.

The consensus is that the lack of sex is because he's been fooling around. Interesting. She had nothing to do with it? It takes two to tango and again, we know NOTHING and what we do know is clearly one-sided. Perhaps there's more to this story. Perhaps a LOT more.

I'm not going to go on, I'm sure I've ruffled enough feathers. But I will say she needs a good friend and you are that. But she also needs to confide in someone trusted to give her counseling while knowing as much as possible (perhaps both sides), and very possibly it takes a professional view. Clearly so with the legal issues if she should decide to proceed. Without knowing what the situation ACTUALLY IS, there's no way to give sound advice other than what she's received. I think the best advice is to be there for her but be careful on advising without knowing all the facts.

My best to her and her husband and I hope I have caring friends like you who I can talk to if I have a troubled situation.

You are her friend, and it's obvious you care about her well-being, but in my opinion she could benefit from professional counseling.

Maybe they could try marriage counseling, if both were willing.

Betrayals like this can be incredibly painful, but I do agree that she shouldn't make rash decisions in the heat of the moment.

This is why I tell women they need to have their own jobs and their own money. Not just because of this but so they can get on with it if something happens to their DH. I could never be totally finacially depentant on a man.

I have a pal in the same age group, off and on she wants to leave him, but never does. I must say after a while I get tired of hearing it.

If this man has truley diddled in the past I would have left him years ago~~~who needs this drama in their 60's:(

she needs a good lawyer,if for nothing else to let her know where she stands

he needs a good slap upside the head..the friggin old fool.

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to respond.
Cynic, you made me laugh, yet I think that you are sincere.
You really know how to express yourself well...and it's unlikely that I will ever know 'Sam's side of the story' (?)
We live in Georgia...I don't know what Georgia's laws are concerning divorces.
Jill "assumes" that she will get the house. She doesn't want to live with her children nor live in a retirement community.
I didn't know that anyone would be intitled to Social Security unless they had held a job (?)
If she had asked my opinion 15 years ago, I probably would of said, 'Go for it! Toss him out.'
If asked, I'll say what I think (and sometimes without thinking) She knows that I joke...in one e-mail I asked, 'Why make him happier?' She wrote back that she had this image (fantasy?) in her mind...of Sam in a hospital, needing her to help care for him. She smiles and says, "Tough! Get one of your ex-girlfriends to help you." And walks out. Sweet revenge? Sounds good. But...
The idea of her getting an outside hobby or a part-time job or, maybe both, seems even better...She might aquire more self-esteem. Sam might not ever love her, but he might learn to respect her. She can keep her home and ignore him..ha
Momcat2000, your Mom was sooooo right..."Always have some walking money tucked away." I have a few dollars...Shhhhh.
If I knew how to send this post to Jill by e-mail I would.