I think it's sweet and love hearing it. I've also heard and been called daughter. I find it personal rather than impersonal. I'm the only one in the room my mom is going to call daughter. Although, at almost 43, my mom mostly refers to me as "The kid". She'll say "give it to the kid" or @here you go daughter". The little hairs on my neck rise if my parents or DH use my name. I feel like I'm in trouble or something. She used to call my brother "Sonny boy". Not sure what she calls him now. His name is Terry, I think it's just Ter. My dadnames few names for me over the years. Nut I'm mostly Dan or Suge (sugar). My grandparents are responsible for "Dani Honey".

What would happen if your son said, fine, dad, I'm all in favor of forgiveness & putting the past behind us; let's just get the business part of it out of the way first; you just pay mom what the court says you owe her & I'm your boy, okay? Your situation reminds me of something my old roommate Laurie told me: Her mom, Fran, divorced her dad & didn't take one cent in settlement; Fran had been a homemaker her whole adult life; she didn't have the funds to fight her ex in court, & she knew she couldn't help her daughters financially, so she agreed to waive her rights if Laurie's father would pay for college for both their daughters. Laurie talked to her dad at least once a week, & he knew she was paying for her college with loans & grants, & he never offered to help. There were weeks when she ate ramen noodles, & he never offered to help. Laurie's younger sister was living with their mother, Fran, in their home country, where Fran had returned to take care of her mother & to get a job with a relative. At that time, international phone bills were prohibitively expensive, so Laurie hardly ever got to talk to her mother. When the younger sister graduated from high school, she came to Texas & got in touch with Laurie, & Laurie helped her get a scholarship. About 6 months later, Fran came to Texas to visit her daughters; when she found out that the girls had had *no* help whatsoever, she blew a gasket & called their father. made no difference; The father claimed that he would have helped the girls if they had *needed* it, but that they were doing fine on thier own. so Fran got no settlement, her daughters got no help, & her ex kept all the money.

Yep sounds like a plan :-) We've had similar experiences with my (now) SD12 and SD14. It's exactly what Mattie says: SS knows it pleases BM if he has a bad time at your place. BM has done the same thing to my skids. By saying: "Are you ok babie?" in a worried voice and hugging the kids excessively they pick BM's anxiety up. "Something must be wrong, my mummy is so upset to leave me here". It doesn't take long to work out what the desired response is. And then there's the reward afterwards which seals the deal. SS's loyalty will be with BM simply because he lives with her and she's his main caretaker. It might make you feel better knowing that it's a normal and healthy response for SS. When I realised how it works I felt a lot better, knowing it's not personal. Because it's not. All you have to do is be supportive of SS when he's with you. I would stick to the court ordered time, as suggested by the other poster. And when he needs to call BM, or when she rings him and he feels bad after, have a chat to him. You can say "I understand you love your mum very much and it's ok to miss her. I'm sure your mom knows how much you love her, but we are happy to have you here too. I know how hard it can be, most of us do. Our BM does very similar things. She'll drop the kids off and keep them in the car in our driveway for a minimum of half an hour. Just to bring the 'goodbyes' and 'love you's' and 'miss you already!' to a hysterical level. Once that's achieved they can come into our house. Pfff. And (on a bad day) she'll call them 2 mins later while she's driving back, just to check if they're ok.. Again, pfff. You did say SS gets over the crying pretty quickly after he gets off the phone, so all is not lost! If you can comfort him and distract him a bit after then my guess is you'll be fine. Another thing I've learned is not to try and 'save' the skids anymore. My skids can do as they please at BM's, eat what they want, go to bed when they want, stay home from school, watch movies all day etc etc. At our place there are different rules, we eat meals together, they can't just grab what they want, when they want. We have a set bedtime and we don't rent 10 movies a week. But, it's unreasonable to expect the kids to totally change when they're with us. They are used to hanging in front of the tv, they don't play outside much. If this is what BM lets them do, we can't change that. Of course it's not great, but I can't save them from it either in the short time they're with us, you know what I mean? So we have to compromise. You could have a talk to SS, include him in the decision making. He'll feel more in control and less victimised. Also, he's more likely to accept the rules if he feels included in the process. For example tell him that you realise it must be hard for him to come to your place where there's different ways of doing things. And that you understand he sometimes wants to go back to moms because of it. Then tell him that you want to help him with this because you want everybody to be happy. Yyou could ask him to think about what he finds most difficult ("Do you miss your X-box, your friends, your favorite food/mums cooking etc"). Encourage SS to share what goes on inside him (hopefully he will). Then it's time to comprimise. For example you can tell him that the set bedtime is not negotiable, but maybe you can rent him some dvd's and he can watch one a day in the holidays. Or an extra hour of tv to what you'd normally do. Ask him for his favorite meal and if that is McDonalds maybe have it one day in the holidays, for lunch or dinner. Take a little and give a little. Good luck to you!

You are in a difficult situation indeed. I understand what you are going through. My husband and I have a son together. He also has a daughter from a previous marriage and I have a son from a previous marriage. The situation you describe sounds like mine in that my husband shows his biological son an enormous amount of love and my other son nothing. There is basically no interaction at this point between the two. He use to discipline my son, but I felt it was done unfairly so that has stopped. Now we are at the point where he nit picks about every little thing my son does, but not to him...to me. It is sooo annoying. It has weakened our relationship as husband and wife, but at least my son is not constantly hearing the complaints. I must say though that my husband's nit picking has made me more critical of my sons behavior. I feel like I am riding him harder over insignificant stuff so I don't have to listen to my husbands complaints...I keep telling myself I need to stop this. My husband, for the most part, is good to me and our son. My other son is 12 and very into school, friends, and basketball. I try to do extra stuff for him when I can to make up for the fact that he doesn't have a dad and his step-dad wants nothing to do with him. My dad (his grandpa) is also a wonderful role model and strong male figure in his life. He spends a lot of time with him. Is it possible for you to find your other son another strong male role model? Like a grandfather, a friend, or join a big brother big sister group? Maybe that would help him and allow you to stay with your husband. You also must consider your other children too. What effect will it have on them if you take them away from their father?