"Going back to a professional job meant a time commitment I wasn't prepared to make at my kids' expense," And here is one of the prime ways that I think women undercut others' choices, probably in an attempt to justify their own. Because the reality, backed by data, says that working mothers aren't shortchanging their children, they shortchange THEMSELVES in order to do everything that needs to be done. It certainly is not easy balancing a career and family. But it doesn't mean children suffer. Kids grow up in loving, healthy families with many types of working/care arrangements. They become happy and healthy adults whether mom is home 24/7 or not. I believe that one of the unforeseen consequences of the women's movement is the need for those who are not working for pay to justify it by engaging in today's hyper-parenting model. Our mothers who were at home with the family back in the day were NOT ferrying kids hither and yon for hours to sports programs and tutoring and lessons etc. They were not so deeply involved in their kids lives that they talked about how 'we' are applying to X college, or interceded in every possible aspect of their kids' lives. Because today there are options, it seems to me we've become a culture in which people really need to criticize others' differing paths to make themselves feel better. And perhaps I just read with a jaundiced eye, but I seem to read a lot more SAH bashing of working mothers than the other way around. Maybe us working moms are just too busy to be snarky (she said snarkily:). Choice is just that: choice. If you want to be out of the workforce, great. Do it and enjoy your life. But why be nasty to those chose another path? "I don't have my own money it is but it is not "His" either it is "Our" money" And just see how fast 'our' money becomes 'his' money if the marriage ends. Being financially dependent means that you are truly living on the sufferance of someone else. Sugar coat it all one likes, the reality is that the paycheck is NOT issued to Mr. *and Mrs* employee. The dynamic of one person earning money gives rise to that person being the one who actually controls the financial decisions from a position of power. How many times have we read and discussed on this forum about the scenario in which a woman isn't being 'allowed' to spend, buy, decorate etc by her husband because he is the one who earns the money? "He said that when she had asked for them to go for counseling (years before) he said no as he didn't think they had any problems. Eventually they did end up in counseling, that's when the issues finally came to light. At that point it was too late. I'm not blaming the wife but she should have addressed the issues immediately. " Okay, let's blame the woman! Because how else can this be interpreted: she sees a problem, she asks partner to go get help, he refuses, problems get worse, marriage ends...and it's her fault!?!? Sheesh. What kind of choice exactly did this woman have? Should she have tried to force her partner to go get help? Exactly how would that have worked? In my own life I am not financially dependent on my husband. We worked together as partners to raise two young adult offspring who have turned out just fine. Frankly, I think our marriage is much stronger given that we BOTH are in it because we want to be. I don't need to stay with him because if he left I'd be destitute. I don't need his money to retire-I've got that covered. I don't need his approval to buy anything-I earn my own money. Do I want to be with him? Do I eagerly anticipate years of retirement together? Do I consult with him about spending our joint funds (an account to which we both contribute to run our household) money? Yes, yes and yes. But the self confidence and security I feel in knowing that I can take care of myself is truly priceless. And last in this entirely too long screed-do I think those of you who choose to stay home and give up your own financial independence are worse off than me? No, although *for me* that is a path that is too risky for my own taste. What I wish is for everyone to have the freedom to make informed choices, and to live a life of happiness in following those choices with positive outcomes. To me that is feminism in its entirety: the right to choose for yourself how to live your best life. Ann

My son that is 21, left our home before we got married. He came to us last night and now says he is ready to follow our rules. He's had that opportunity since he was 18 and thumbed his nose at it. He felt like he was an "adult" because he had an 18th birthday and was legally an adult. He turned down his chance to go to culinary school because he told my dad he wanted to "do it on his own" and he didn't. His problem has been his attitude and he had to go find out, through the school of hard knocks, that it wasn't what he thought to be 18. We've helped him get decent (manual labor) jobs and even co signed a car to help him out. He quit the job because he didn't like it and stopped paying on the car when it got hit & damaged (totaled), he says while it was parked. My younger son, perhaps realized by seeing what his brother was doing, decided to abide by the rules and go to college. He is doing better, as he also went out and got a part time job and is making payments on his first car too. My daughter is doing much better in school and also working. My kids are doing much better since I got married and I can't say that it's because I got married, they were already 16-17 when I married him. But, I can say that before I was married, they did struggle more. In fact, my daughter was at one point failing in school and was clinically depressed. She began cutting when she was put on anti depressants so that was stopped. My now 18 year old son, became addicted to prescription painkillers when he was 16 and was hospitalized. These things were happening around the time I met my husband and my daughter has told me that it's different now. Before, when I was a single parent, they had a lot more freedom because I was working and not always home to enforce the rules so there was inconsistency. My husband moved in when we were planning our wedding and initially, there was rebellion, but all of the children were a part of our ceremony. We even included vows to each other's children. Over time, all the kids are doing better than they were before(except now his daughter is having problems) My step daughter is having problems for a completely different reason. Her mom abandoned her three months ago. and she is actually doing much better the past month. She's had problems with school because her mom was doing homework for her last year (when she didn't get it) and we sit down with her and help her understand it. Her teacher commented on her progress at her conference two weeks ago. At the beginning of the year (when her mom left) she was having behavioral problems and couldn't do her work because she didn't understand it or know the terminology. Her mom has continued to keep her on an emotional roller coaster by telling her that she wants her to go live over there but that she can't because it's only a one bedroom house. She never calls to say she loves her or goodnight. SD calls and BM never answers her phone, so SD has to leave messages that BM doesn't return. In fact, we just got another call from BM that she can't pick up SD from school today (she's supposed to get her from school on Fridays) but will try to be here by 9:30 PM (and they have a 2 1/2 hour drive back to where she lives) The last time she said she would be here in the evening like that, we were ready and waiting and she called and said she'd be here in the morning. She was late then too. SD does much better when we have a two week stretch without her visiting her mom because she does have the stability of her routine and schedule. She is with DH on the last weekend of each month so we have that two weeks and lately, she's bounced back from her mom's BS better. I think she's realizing that her mom can't be counted on. It may be different if she had a stable mom, but she doesn't. and no, I don't wish her mom would go away or not exist, I wish her mom would stop hurting her daughters. She also abandoned her 12 year old when she left.

fruitnut, I too am single and happy to be so. But I figured out a long time ago that, wishing to be in a marital/famly status you're not is pointless. No matter the status, it has its benefits and its downsides. I'd rather be single than in a bad marriage. I'd rather be in a great, happy marriage than single. I'd rather be single w/o children than single with a child or childrenâ¦the combos are endless. Turned down two proposals; didn't get the one I wanted, and that was it for me. I moved on to single life, and I have no regrets at all. Some people are in marriages I would love to have for myself; more are in marriages I would not want for myself; some singles know how to be single and content, while others spend their time bemoaning the fact that they're single, based solely on a status our culture puts on being married (i.e.: married = winner; single = loser). so, best course is to make the best decisions you can for yourself and others, and let the chips fall where they may; don't force them (i.e.: marry a loser just to be married). Carve out the best life one can for oneself, regardless of status. My only complaint about being single is that, married people tend to cast single friends off and not consider them peers. That I regret, because I love so many of my married friends.

What really grates on my last nerve so often here is reading "My husband will only 'ALLOW' green paint and I hate green but every room HAS to be one shade of green he likes" or "My husband won't 'ALLOW' anything but white sheets". Allow? How and why do women live like this in 2012? I can tell you my take on this, based upon my own experience. I was married for 15 years to a man who initially was agreeable and, like me in my early/mid 20s (when we met), still finding his way in the world. By the time we were both close to 40, he had morphed into -- well, I hesitate to say a monster -- but an extremely controlling individual who didn't care one whit for my thoughts or opinion. What I wanted simply didn't matter. He made it abundantly clear that because he brought home a significant amount of money, he was calling all the shots. I remember longing for a certain flooring in the house that we were building. He adamantly and steadfastly refused, and for no other real "reason" than it wasn't his preference - or idea. There was no reasoned discussion or compromise. Not ever. It was his way or the highway. As far as "allowing" this to happen - well, sometimes women just do, because the only alternative is to get the hell out. And sometimes we just aren't quite ready to make that move yet. I did make the move, however, and even 10 years down the road and in a new, completely different kind of relationship now, I still have moments where I revel in the liberation of not being under my ex's thumb. My wonderful DH is a sweetheart with an excellent eye for color. My only complaint about him is that, while he stands back and graciously accepts my decorating choices, he is very particular about "his stuff" -- almost to the point of being OCD at times. A stack of magazines that's been there forever? Don't touch them. He does the grocery shopping and the cooking. I can't tell you how many times there has been a recipe that he intends to make at some point during the week, but all of the ingredients have to stay out in plain sight -- or it's like he fears that he'll forget what he has planned to do. Same with grocery coupons. They can't be kept in the coupon organizer or in the drawer. He worries he'll forget about them. This behavior occasionally drives me a bit batty, but in the overall scheme of things, it's still a very small price to pay to live with a man who treats me like my opinions do matter.