I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how much you hurt, I would be totally lost, I know I would be.
I get upset just thinking about it.

I have no answers for you but I would sure give you a hug, and tell you to focus on the good times and know he would not want you to be miserable. Easy to say not so easy to do.

Big Hug

Mary, I don't have any answers either. I cannot fathom your lonliness. I've been blessed with 31 years of a very happy marriage. If anything "happens" to my dh, I will thank God that he blessed me like that. Some women have years and years of hell with their husbands. Why are some of us so blessed?? I don't know, but it sure makes it harder when they are no longer with us!

I guess I'm trying to say be glad for what was; be grateful for the wonderful man you had. I know that is way easier said than done.

I don't know if you're retired or still working, but if you don't have to and don't want to, don't get out of bed once in a while. Take all the time you need to grieve.
I'm very sorry for your sadness.

Dear Mary... I am so very very sorry for your loss. And, bless you, you took your time and energy to console me and I have only lost a dear friend.
Was yours husband's death sudden, or had he been ill? Of course any loss is painful, but sudden, didn't-have-a-clue-it-was-coming loss must really knock you off your feet.
I do not know how to comfort you either, do not have the words to make it better. My sister lost her husband of nearly 50 years in 2009, she has had a difficult time, and all I have been able to do for her is call, email, (she is 800 miles from me) and try to encourage her to get out and visit and volunteer. She had absolutely no life outside her husband, did not have friends or work or any activities where she spent time with other people. We have been able to visit her a couple of times and she seems to be getting better. I know she finally attended a support group which helped her considerably. Do you have that option available to you?
Are you working or retired? Do you have children? I hope that you do have friends you can count on, real life friends that can meet you for lunch, just sit and talk, do something to get you out of the house now and then.

Please accept my condolences and hugs. I am adding you to my prayer list.

I am so sorry Mary. I don't know from first-hand
experience, but a co-worker was widowed last year,
and she found this site. She said it saved her
during lots of "can't sleep nights". All my best
and hugs being sent to you.

http://www.widownet.org/wnbb3/

(Hope it is ok to put this here).

Special thoughts for you during this time of sorrow.

Oh Mary, I am so very sorry that you are suffering and wish I knew a magic set of words to lighten your heart. The pain you are feeling is certainly reflective of the love you shared. Is there a grief support group near you? Sometimes that helps. Remember all those folks that said "If there is anything I can do......." Take them up on it. Call them and ask them to go to lunch with you, or invite them to visit you. Reach out to your friends and family, they need to know that you hurt.
(((Mary)))

I was thinking so hard about you and was about to ask for you. Such a profound loss. You explain your feelings so well and you sound like you are looking all around you for a way out of this and I know you have heard what you are supposed to do and want to hear from others and their feelings as they lived thru this aftermath. I remember your whole story and after how you had to deal with his children. I think some wanted to know more about your husband and your life together.

You will hear from people who have lost their spouses. Hold on and people will write to you here.

Do you have any church relationships? Check with the YMCA or others in the paper to find a group you can relate to. It may take several times with different groups. Could you do some volunteer work, not much, but maybe one day at a time. There is a grieving forum that seems to help some. Could you start a journal to write something everyday, even it is just a sentence. Is there someone you can just sit down and talk with. Yes it is ok to cry, but please get out of bed, get dressed and go from there. Did you receive cards? Read them and maybe call them, just say HI and thanks. You will be surprised if they say, oh lets go to lunch--you say OK, and set a date.
One day at a time and remember it probably will take at least a year to recover. But the memories are there.
Hugs and prayers
M.

One thing that helped me was the realization that asking "Why?" is not only useless, but damaging. Same thing with "What if?" These questions will never be answered in this lifetime, and it hurts us to keep asking them.

"Life is neither fair nor unfair; it just is." A friend told me that, and it's true. You can see the truth in it when you think of all the suffering in the world, some much worse than your own.

It may help you to try to live the way your husband would want. Grieve in your own way, but take care of yourself, too.

The Grieving Forum at GardenWeb is a good place if you haven't found it yet. A grief counselor is a good idea as well.

You've probably been told that time helps. It's absolutely true, although it doesn't seem very encouraging right at this minute.

Mary, you are still invited to email me and we can get through this together.

Mary, I too am widowed but it has been 10 years for me. I know that numb feeling and sometimes I wish it were back-it is a sort of protection for you. It becomes maybe not easier but different with time. I can't urge you enough to find a good support group. Many are for a set time like 6-8 weeks which I would suggest that you avoid. Any group that puts a timetable in front of you may not be the right one. I was in my group for almost two years and after that a group of us old timers left the group and started a 'next step' group and I am still friends with some people. There is no map for you to follow and we each have to travel through the grief in our own time. Please do seek out a support group and if possible one whose members are in your age group and have lost their spouse. Best of luck to you and come here often. Satine

Please email me Mary. It's almost 6 months for me and it's still very hard. I had a bad night last night. I will be happy to talk with you and tell you what I have been doing. We need each other when we go through this.
ktflgal@aol.com

Mary, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. My heart goes out to you. Guess our loss though different makes us both wondering what happened & why. I know your husband had been sick but that never makes it any easier when God takes him to heaven. Remember he is at peace & not suffering any more. Try calling friends & make yourself get out of the house, even if you just go to a store. I will keep you in my prayers. All I can say is time does heal. The other Mary

kayjones~ I tried to email you, but it did not go through.

DH's death was certainly unexpected...for those of you who didn't read my other posts....he "thought" it was indigestion..but was 1 100%, 2 95%, 1 75% blockages...he needed quad-ruple by-passes, but he had pneumonia and we just could not get that kicked. We had been in the hospital for 8 days and was planning to have surgery on the next Monday...so he insisted that I go home (60 miles away)and get a good night's sleep, so that is what I did...but at a couple minutes before midnight on New Year's Eve, the hospial called and said that they could not revive him and he passed at 12:59 p.m. I had talked to him at 9 p.m. and wished him a Happy New Year and told him I loved him, but he sounded so tired...he said it was "the meds".

This is the second time I lost a husband....the first one was killed by a truck that ran a stop sign, when I was only 33 and had 3 small children......he also was such a blessing to me and gave me those beautiful, loving, caring children and I will be forever thankful~~ At that time, I had the children to take care of and I still worked full time, so it gave me reasons to live.

I remained widowed for 26 years until I married again, 11 1/2 yrs. ago. This town is not "home" to me..."we" were each other's best friends and usually we spent our time together...every evening and week-ends. Those are the lonely times now.

Caran, thanks for the web-site...I will check it out.

There are no support groups here..... I did help form one "back home" after my first DH was killed...but I don't seem to pull anything back from my memory right now to help, other than it was 6-8 weeks before we contacted the widowed people, because that is when the shock wears off and you need company. I am disabled, so I can not work or do much volunteer work....and crippled with arthritis, so it is hard to do much exercising.

Oh yes, I did get many beautiful cards, flowers, emails, calls, etc. when DH passed....and when anyone asked what they could do, I always told them to come visit me....but I don't think people know what to say....so instead of fearing they say something "wrong", they don't say anything.

We had planned on selling this house and moving "back home" and I think that needs to happen. I just keep thinking that the garage door should go up and DH comes walking in...but it is just a "mind game" that I play on myself.

I didn't know there was a Grief Forum on here....I'll be checking in there later this evening to help pass the time and hopefully get some good ideas.

Not only did I lose DH, but one of my very best gal friends is only days away from dying from cancer....another's husband's has ALZ and she is so confined and we were "joined at the hip"....another is in the mental ward for uncontolled bi-polar...another's DH had a bad stroke......and so it just seems I am having so many losses.....must be our ages~~

Anyway, I am sorry I rambled on for so long, but thanks "friends"...you have helped me once again on this long journey of life. God bless each of you~~

Mary, email me at:

kay456jones at live.com.

I'm so sorry you feel so alone. I have no first hand experience or magical words to say. But it did occur to me when I read your post that you said the two of you had more things to do. He's gone....but you still have to carry on. You might adjust your plans but even he expects you to still do something. I imagine the worst thing would be to do just nothing at all. Please keep posting; you have people who care HERE.

(((phoggie)))..........from one "foggy" to another.
Hang in there.

You can email me anytime!

Would you consider getting a pet so you are not 'alone'? It would give you a reason to get up every day. Are you a senior? Around here they have groups with activities such as bingo or lunches out. Its probably the last thing you feel like doing right now, but getting out is the best thing for you. Tomorrow will be a hard day-how about going to a movie?

Phoggie, I have no words to help you. But please keep posting here. We do care. And know that you continue to be in my prayers.

Tami

like Tami said...we do care and while I can't imagine what you're feeling...just know that I am so sorry for your loss, twice in a life time no less...I hope and pray for better days ahead for you...

I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering, Mary. Six weeks isn't very long, so of course you are still feeling the anguish of the loss. Please know that you have my deepest sympathy. I hope things get better. You have lots of support and even people to email here. Hugs.

I'm so sorry. I wish I had words of advice or comfort.

Mary, come here and talk, cry, vent, rage all you want. Tell us everything and anything about your husband that you want to share. I haven't lost a spouse, the closest loss I have suffered is my parents. My DH's baby brother drown when he was 16. It almost killed his mom. I can only relate by how I felt losing who I did.

Nothing is going to ease this pain except time. It is mind numbing then gut wrenching, then almost panicked feeling pain.

Turn on the tv, play music, don't be alone if you can help it. turn on QVC, or something like that. A nice safe channel where you have constant human voices. Seriously, at least for me, I couldn't bear to be alone, because my mind would just race. Get on here every hour of the day and night and start typing if you have to. Go to Africam and watch the animals. Play computer games to help occupy your mind.

I truly pray for you to find peace and learn to deal with this pain. And you will. It just takes time. I know it took my mom and long time, she kept crazy busy.

Good luck, take care.

I'm sure you do go into some sort of shock at first and then the adrenalin which kept you going leaves. That's where you are now. I have no words of advice, but come here every day and post your feelings. We'll all be happy to "talk' with you and try and help.

Mary, a big hug to you. No one has mentioned it, but you may want to talk to your doctor and see if they can help with a mild mood elevator, just temporarily, to help you through the worst parts.

You mentioned that you are disabled and may have trouble getting out and about, so invite some freinds, neighbors, your children over to your house for a meal, a coffee, whatever. You can always order in!!!

Just know that you won't always feel this way...

Hi again Mary,
I am still waiting to hear from you. I and others want to help get you and "us" through this.
2 weeks after my DH died I went back home for 2 weeks. I was numb for a long time and most days I think I still am. I was ready to come home it felt like he might be there waiting for me or something.

The next day I got a dog. I am really not a dog person, I've had many but didn't' want anymore. Well this little guy has really kept me busy and still does. He can be a handful but I am never alone now and have someone to talk to, yell at, discipline and take care of.

Get out of the house, join a griefshare group, a widow's group, seniors group (if you are one) anything just to met people and get out. Do some puzzles, crosswords, read, paint......whatever you enjoy or even don't, just do it.
I'm not one to talk have have my own troubles but lets talk, email me or we can talk on the phone. check out the link below, it will keep you busy for a while and get lots of crafty ideas too.

Here is a link that might be useful: Our website

Oh my gosh, friends, you are such a kind group of people and I certainly appreciate each and every one of you who have taken your time to respond to my posts.

Today, Valentine's Day, would have been my 52nd wedding anniversary to my fist husband, who I had the wonderful
life with for 15 years. Also, I remember today the blessing I had with my last husband for over 11 years.

The sun is shining brightly today, so the mood is not nearly as gloomy as yesterday.

Thanks again, and I wish I could just reach out and give you each a big hug for being there when no one else is here.

mary, my mother joined a senior swim class and kept busy...with the help of friends she moved, (to her very first mobile home) then reached out to other friends who were in the same situation...church, her local library, and finally some planned travel...each move was taken slowly...she'd drive from her home in las vegas to see us in san diego...then grab a plane when we moved to mi...

it was a real learning expirence for her...things she never had to do before, she took in stride...never met anyone, never tried...

take your time to grieve...it's ok to feel the way you do now...remember baby steps are the strongest right now....

Mary, I emailed you back and included my home phone number - call me! ALSO, Joann is a wonderful woman, who recently joined this horrible club, so email her - she's sweet, honest and genuinely cares about other people! We phone each other on occasion and always have a warm conversation. Your emotions are raw just now and talking to someone who is also feeling this pain will REALLY help!

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better today, and that the sun is shining. Please take the advice of so many KT's and stay busy and active...even if you don't feel like it. A smile or good thought may be lurking where you least expect it. Sending good wishes your way - Denise R.

Mary, please know that you don't have to be alone through this. There are MANY of use who have lost loved ones...husbands and family members, and close friends who were like family.

Joann mentioned getting a pet........I think that's a great idea. It's company for her, as she is finding out. My sweetie and I have 3 cats and they are our kids. Even if you've never had a pet before, it's not long before they are ingrained in your heart, and it's someone to "talk to" someone to meet you at the door, just plain company.

Please reach out to Kay, and Country Bumpkin as well. They've been through what you're going through, as has JoannFla of course. They are all wonderful people who will listen to you and offer some advice.

Hi Mary - rather beset by phogg, earlier, before the sun came out, and still can feel it, lingering about,

What a hurtful thing that it is, to lose someone who's been so close - joined at the hip, one might almost say. One feels as though someone came and cut one's leg off, that one just can't navigate.

On Sunday evening, when it was snowy and slushy, I was homeward bound down a major city street when I thought to visit a good friend, former parishioner over 40 years ago, whose wife died a couple of months ago, so pulled over into the left-turn lane to be first car waiting for a red light.

Heard a fire engine's bleating sound ... then there were red and white lights flashing close by behind me, so I thought it wise to get the heck out of there. Checking for traffic on the green - and there wasn't any, as everyone had stopped - I made my turn and the fire folks were able to go on their way.

I had a good visit with Bob, talking over a number of things ... when his farmer daughter called from 130 miles away. When he told her of my being there, she, a kid when I was their minister, said, "time warp". He and his wife had been kind to me when my marriage broke up.

You expressed a bit of regret at going on so long when you replied. Please don't worry a bit about that - say what's on your heart: we're good listeners, and you'll feel better.

Have you a connection with a faith system, for some of the leaders and the people there are really helpful when people are going through some of life's traumas. Some are good listeners and walk well with one through some of life's dark vallies, even though some seem to feel compelled to offer some ready-made solutions, almost before they get their coat off when they visit one.

(((((Mary)))))

ole joyful

Hey there, are you sleeping?
I was wondering if you are still thinking of moving away as you and your husband talked about?

Any plans to visit your daughter again? I like things to look forward to that are in my comfort zone. Just had to pop in and catch up.

You need to get you a cat or two. Or maybe a dog. Pets give you a reason to get up in the morning to feed them. They are companions, and dogs insure you get daily walks.

Hi again Mary,

Quite likely you know that if you click on one of our names, or "My page" at the beginning of a post, you'll go to our profile page, and a number of us have opted for allowing people to send us a private email, if they choose: click on the "Send an email" or something like that, at the top right of the page.

Come to talk here whenever you feel like it. And even when you don't. There are quite a number here who have walked that road/been through that dark valley, several of them recently, and many empathetic people here.

ole joyful

Mary, I'm so sorry for your loss.

My husband died suddenly in his sleep in May 2011 at age 53. He wasn't sick, but he wasn't too healthy, either. He had terrible sleep apnea that he didn't treat and his heart stopped at some point during the night. I found him on the couch the next morning, looking very peaceful. For several months I really didn't believe it - it was like he was just away somewhere. The tragedy of it all slowly started to sink in. I went back to work in the weeks following and that took my mind off it a little, and I had to make a living too - I couldn't stay in bed if I wanted to - my employer was understanding and said to take all the time I needed, but if I don't produce I don't get paid so I had to move forward at least at work. I think, at least for me, that getting my mind into work kept me from going off the deep end of despair. I don't remember a whole lot about last summer, though. Widow Brain, they call it.

I had and still have great support from my two children (he was their much loved stepfather), and friends and family that call me and take me out often. But I miss him terribly! He & I also had plans for the future - the kids were just out of college and on their own, and we thought we were starting our next chapter. Now it's just me.

I get out and around other people, but I also spent (still do) a lot of time at home by myself so I can cry all I want. It's a very physical release not just emotional. My heart actually aches. But for me it is very cleansing to wail and howl and let it out when it comes. In the month or two after the funeral it was so hard for me to write the thank you notes -- I cried so uncontrollably that I'm surprised the neighbors didn't call the cops. I never did find a support group except forums online, so I don't know how it is for everyone. I'm getting through. The holidays were difficult of course, but as the new year progressed I was getting a little bit better, maybe not crying so much. And then, Valentine's Day. It's not like G ever made a big deal of it, but he was my Honey and when someone at work said "Happy Valentine's Day" to me I lost it and I did not expect that to happen. I was a sad mess all day long. You just never know what will set you off.

I'm comparatively young in the widow world, and I know that I'm lucky that I always was an independent person and that I can afford my house if I'm careful, so I don't have to move right now. I'm a naturally positive thinker and not prone to depression and I think that helps a lot too. From what anyone who has been through this tells me each person handles it their own way and no way is right or wrong. Some people might "get over it" soon and some maybe never. I don't know if I'm any help to you but I want you to know that you are not alone.

Jean

Thanks Jean~ That was a wonderful message and I can relate to it.

The first time I was widowed, I was only 33 with three small children. There was NOBODY else near my age who had been widowed in my area....it was extremely hard, but I had to keep working and taking care of them. This time, it is different...no one "needs" me...they don't live here and they all work. I am disabled, so can't work, or I would...I think that really helps the mind and of course, pay the bills.

You are so correct...I never know what might "set me off"...a day, a song, an empty chair, an empty bed...when the kids drive away from visiting...it seems to come on so unexpectedly.

I know from my first experience, I thought the dark clouds would never roll away, but they did....and I believe they will for you and me also...and only time can help...and time, it takes~

I only pray that when my time comes, I can go like your DH did...peaceful and in my sleep. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that he didn't suffer or have to go to a nursing home...or at least, that is what I keep telling myself about my DH. DH hated to see me cry...and I know he would not want me to be crying so much but he was always so positive and I need to be more like that. It is terribly hard when your heart is breaking.

Sending you good thoughts and many hugs,
Mary (Phoggie)