Husband has changed

19 years ago

I dont' know where to start I've been married for a little over a year but we've been together for five. When my husband and I got together he was very affectionate and sweet to me, always complimenting me, always hugging me, touching me etc. We still have a great sex life and always have. However when he is around me he just doesn't have a spark. He acts like he is bored, if I try to cuddle or touch him (non sexual) he always acts like I am bothering him. When he is around me he will talk but just about every day stuff- how was your day, I fixed the sink today..etc. When he is around other women he is a totally different person. He is outgoing and sweet and talkative and everything thinks he is such a great guy. He will become friendly with cashiers at the gas station he stops at and soon he will know their life stories. He is very charasmatic with others and with me he is like a bump on a log. Women constantly tell him their problems and he listens like he is Dr. Phil (without the advice) and if some female is feeling down he will compliment her and try to cheer her up. If I am feeling down he will just be like "get over it" or will ignore me. It is like he is emotionally available to anyone but me. I am almost jealous of this women he barely knows and the treatment they receive. He is not deliberately mean to me or abusive but just ignores my emotional needs. I've tried talking to him about it adn he will end up cuddling with me for a few minutes each day (to shut me up) and then goes back to his old routine. The only time he compliments me is when I"m not wearing anything and I'll try to give him compliments and hope he will get the hint but it never happens. He admits that he loves attention from other women and when I ask why he pays attention to other females he just says all I"m doing is talking to them! Well I want him to talk to me!! I think that he just enjoys the adoration and excitment of someone new. Well I'm his wife I can't give him the feeling of meeting someone new. He's just so different around me- its like he's lifeless in my presence but MR. Wonderful around everyone else. he says that other women don't say anything negative or complain about him. Well of course not! They dont' live with him and have to pick up his dirty socks and make him dinner. Others may see him once a week for 15 minutes or so. I almost wish I was just a friend rather than his wife because his friends get more attention!! Has anyone else been in this situation? I feel almost like a maid/cook with benefits because emotionally I"m not getting much from this marriage.

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Comments (14)

kayjones
19 years ago
Oh,Sweet one, email me and we will chat. My email address is: plant_lady2Xhotmail.com. Replace the X with the @ sign and you have my address. Make the subject line 'Husband has changed' so I don't delete it.
popi_gw
19 years ago
I hope the above poster is giving you some good advice.

I think if I where you, I would give myself a rest from all this stress, trying to figure out what is going on, and dwelling on it all...by concentrating on myself.

Do something for yourself, that you like doing, make a life for yourself, you might find you see things more objectively then.

All the best to you..its tough marriage, sometimes.

Popi
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My husband went through the same thing a few years ago. Not a shift change just a change in responsibilities and expectations at work that were way over his head. He's not a cop but the situation is very similar. He also had mood swings , problems sleeping, he would smoke to relax and have a drink. Lose his temper with his two kids. I mean the same way you described! i would be sitting at the dinner table eating. and if his son didn't eat fast enough or at way too slow after 5 minutes he's be telling him off and nagging him to death to eat his plate. My SS would bow his head , wouldn't enjoy his meal and my husband would be telling him 'well you'll be left alone again cause you are not eating.' It got to the point i got pissed. so one night i turned around during meal time and nagged him. ' oh your not eating those veggies, oh you haven't touched them yet. why haven't you finished. ? its been 5 minutes?...you dont like my cooking? come on hurry up! we've going to miss our program, you eat too slow! what are you a cow? do you have several stomachs to digest? ; well needless to say i got the dirty looks, I smiled and left to clean the dishes. next time he did it again, i told him in front of his kids that i will not have dinner or lunch or breakfast while you badger your son. You have problems deal with them and dont take it out on the kids. This issue was early inthe relationship. So i spoke with him about work and found out his stresses and gave him soem ideas to change. Work finally changed and so did his attitude. Sorry for the long story. But i honestly think that your husband has stress from work. Either a traumatic experience that caused him to change his shift and of course the simple shift change cause sleep deprivation until his body acclimatizes to the time zone. But hes taken up cigarettes...which is not good for his nerves and his daily routine with you have changed. You have to find a middle ground to work together. If he doens't change his shift back to waht he did before you 'll need to make new time together. Some couciling is a good idea. As well, if he did go through a traumatic experience then your husband definetly needs counciling.
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Firstly, about that episode where your bio father suggested sex: you had no way to know to anticipate it, & you had no way to control or stop it. Although it *is* obnoxious, offensive, & disgusting to you & to me, it sometimes happens when bio family members meet for the first time as adults, so much so that counsellors now warn adult children who are meeting their birth parent(s) for the first time to be prepared. & your bio father's family troubles belong to him & to them, not to you. If anything, it sounds like your father brought you into the family to be used as leverage. Dispicable, but the responsibility & the shame belong to your bio father & not to you. Cut yourself free from that particular chain & don't look back. Today is what matters, & you & your children are living under unbearable stress, in a hostile environment, & you're all paying a terrible price. "He thinks I'm evil" is *not* the description of someone you can afford to turn your back on, let alone trust, let alone spend your life with. (note: He doesn't think you're "evil"; he knows that saying that will shatter you, & that's why he does it.) He's been lying to you & manipulating you since before you were married, his family sounds like a co-dependent, disfunctional mess, & sending copies of the facebook pages to all of them sounds like that you've been caught in the same web, going to everybody else for vindication or action instead of dealing with the one person who's actually accountable. If your husband doesn't have any consequences for continuing to behave as he always has behaved, *nothing will change*. He's entirely comfortable, even happy, with his life, he doesn't care that you're unhappy, & he controls you by striking at your most vulnerable points; why would he change anything? It's like raising a child; if you say, "do that one more time & you're losing computer priveleges for a week", & the child does it again, you *have* to take away computer priveleges for a week, or you're just teaching the child that (s)he doesn't have to pay attention to anything you say/threaten, that you're powerless, that (s)he can do *anything* & the worst that will happen is that you'll yell. If you tell your husband that he has to treat you with the respect to which anyone is entitled or you & the children are leaving, & then he says something obnoxious or betrays you by talking to his family about you or does any single obnoxious thing, you *have* to take those kids & leave. (In fact, at this point, I think you have to take the kids & leave anyway; your life & their lives are being corroded every day that you spend in the environment controlled by your husband & his family.) Although it isn't your fault, although you've been manipulated to think you "can't" do anything because you somehow bear the responsibility for his behavior, so far, you've been like the parent who threatens but does not act. Even if your husband never hits you, he's abusing you: A person who controls another person by manipulation, who calls her "evil", who blames her for his own behavior...is an abuser. Get some professional legal help, get some psychological help (abusers *never* go to counselling; they don't want any interference), investigate what kind of help is available for abused wives, & get your kids & get out of there. I wish you the very best.
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lindakimy
19 years ago
It sounds to me as if your husband hasn't figured out the difference between "the chase" and being married. Now that he is married to you there is no real challenge for him...no need to continue being especially charming or attentive (well, according to him). I think a lot of people fall into that trap. We take for granted what we have rather than continuing to court the one we love.

Popi's advice is right on, in my opinion. A lot of people pursue only when they are unsure of the other person. When you stop and make yourself available, they seem to lose interest. The more you push for attention the less they want to give it to you. If you take care of yourself, your husband may decide he should pursue you again. Or at least pay more attention. And in the meantime, you can learn a lot about what makes you happy, what you can do for yourself, and how independent you can really be.
newguy_gardener
19 years ago
Hello all, I read the story above and couldnÂt help but feel that the story was about me, or allot like me. My wife and I have been married for two years and are now about to divorce. I am trying to fight for the marriage but it seems like its too late. We went to see a counselor and I am learning that she feels that I am emotionally unavailable to her. The counselor asked us to write an essay about what emotional availability means to us and I asked "should I google it?" Well I guys my wife and the counselor got a good laugh but then the counselor said "he really doesnÂt know, its not his fault he just was never taught" So today I googled the term and it lead me here to this story, I also read another story that I thought was helpful: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-3705.html
These past couple of days has really been a learning experience and I hope this works out for us but I keep getting discouraged from my wifeÂs comments. Its really too bad that things have to get to this point to make a guy look at things a little differently. Anyway, I just wanted to get it on this because it sounded so familiar. Try counseling, its really an eye opener.
sewinaway
19 years ago
Dear Newguy Gardener.

Speaking as a wife whose husband is completely emotionally unavailable, have you tried to really listen to what she says instead of just what you want to hear. Try to make things completely about her on occasion instead of always about you. If she says "don't leave gobs of tooth paste in the sink for me to clean up", don't get defensive, just clean up the gobs. And not just for a little while. FOREVER. I may sound b*$&, but I am very lost right now. I am thinking that I should go find someone else to give me the things that I need emotionally, but then, they would just have other problems that I would have to deal with. Best of luck to you!!
gw:carrot-girl
19 years ago
Oh my....sounds just like me and my husband. Its coming on two years since we wed and I am wondering if I made a mistake. I am not going to give up, but I hope I don't have to live a miserable life.....yike!
It does feel good to know that I am not the only one....hopefully it gets better.
mrskennedy
19 years ago
About getting more attention from your husband, check out this link. It may seem radical or weird, but it also works. (No, I'm not affiliated with it at all, but have used it in my own marriage and found it good.)

Here is a link that might be useful: Around Her Finger
tropicaltim
19 years ago
Maybe he has another woman in his life that he's not letting onto. He's obviously getting stimulation elsewhere and feels like he's not getting enough of it at home.

Chill out, relax and don't make the situation worse. Be his mate and just maybe he might come around.
newhomeseeker
Original Author
19 years ago
Thank you all for your responses. In response to the last poster, yes he does have many other women in his life! Not women who he cheats with but he is friends with his ex who he works with (she is married also) and he has casual friends or aquaintances that he sees when he stops at the convenience store or gas station (he befriends these women). He hasn't crossed any boundaries and I believe that men and women CAN be just friends but not at the expense of your partner. My husband admits he enjoys the attention of other women because they are new and they don't EVER argue with him or have any disagreements with him (as we do from time to time) I look at it as those "friendships" are so superficial nothing like a marriage so of course they have nothing to disagree about. I just don't understand how to reach him and make him understand what I am feeling. I am tired of feeling as though I am bothering him when I try to be affectionate or when I ask for advice about a problem (that has nothing to do with him) He willingly gives advice/listens to any other female and he is very attentive to other women who are casual friends. With me, he's not mean just acts distant.
june_cleaver
19 years ago
I totally agree with Mrs. Kennedy (above). I had the exact same problem with my husband. I was the only one in the world that didn't think he was perfect. The Around Her Finger site is ok, but the book is much more focussed on the problem you describe. It breaks down a man's and a woman's expectations in a marriage and teaches you how you can manage your relationship to generate more affection and attention from your husband.

You should email your situation to Emily Addison. I did, and she offered to let me call her. We spoke for forty-five minutes, and she convinced me there was nothing weird about trying this. I am not the only one in my circle of friends that is using these techniques. I was not the first, and I am not the last, but we are all happy.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Here is a link that might be useful: The Around Her Finger Site
newguy_gardener
19 years ago
Hello, well my wife and I are on our 4th week of counseling and there are allot of things I didnÂt even know that were bothering her. I think the counselor has a good time reading my face every time my wife says something that shocks me. I am learning allot about women and realizing that when I think back on my past relationships, I really never stuck around for the emotional hardships. I did move out of the house after our first two sessions because she was still saying she wanted a divorce so I gave up and moved out. I think that was a good move because afterwards she started to soften up, maybe it was spending time by herself. I have not moved back in yet but I do spend the night allot and we go on dates so its kind of nice. How is your situation? Have you guys tried seeing a counselor?
cindylouwho45
19 years ago
Hmm...I'm reminded of something I read years ago. It said something like this: Men fall in love with a woman because of how he feels about HIMSELF when he is with her. This is probably why he likes befriending women outside the relationship....he's telling you....it's because they never have anything negative to say about him and so he can go on thinking that he is Mr. Wonderful. You're right...they don't have to cook his meals or pick up his dirty socks and it's understandable why you feel the way you do. But I agree with the previous posts....one of the best ways you can make him start paying attention again is to start making a nice life for yourself. Get involved in volunteering....pick up a hobby...something that takes you out of the house for a bit. Perhaps you can turn the tables and make a few "guy" friends out there....you know...the kind who never say anything negative about you! Good Luck!
coolmama
19 years ago
Dr. Phil said that all men want what they cant have.Start being a little LESS available for him.Go out with girlfriends,your mom,sisters.Start preening more in the mirror and acting as though you want to impress some single guy.Your husband will get the hint.He'll pick up on your non-available vibes and start to feel he need to "woo" you back.
I have been married 10 years,and my husband has acted like this too before.I ignore him a little and suddenly he is up my butt! You may also try flirting with guys at stores and stuff.A little taste of his own medicine may make him see the error of his ways.
scarlett2001
12 years ago
E-w-w-w-w! What an unfortunate choice of words.

Husband has changed

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