Both of you need to move out, find work and let parents pay for a carer to sit in their home and cater to their every demand. One day they won't be around any more, and if you've spent all that time sitting in the house waiting for their call, where will you be then? In a very poor situation. Truly, you can't live your lives like this.

if they don't need 24/7 care then why not work? if both of you don't work and they do need 24/7 care, then why one of you wouldn't go to work and the other stays and helps with his parents.

Yes, this would be a big improvement over the current situation.

Don't get married yet.

This is excellent advice. Your fiance' seems to be unusually tied to his parents. If his bond with them is always stronger than his bond with you, a marriage would be fraught with even more difficulties.

Both of you need to move out, find work and let parents pay for a carer to sit in their home and cater to their every demand.

OP, if your fiance' will not move out, if he feels obligated to continually be at his parents' beck and call -- yes, I know they have a legitimate need for in-home health care, but they have completely taken over his (and your) life -- I would move out.

You can continue your engagement without living with him. I would move out to see how committed he is to you -- to see what he is willing to do. Hopefully he can strike a balance -- he doesn't have to subjugate his life (and yours) to his parents'.

I think it is fine to take your elderly and ill parents in to your home, nothing wrong with that. I would do that if time ever comes.

But two able adults sitting at home 24/7 and not working is just not OK.

I'm 30 and my fiance is 22-spare the comments on the age differance please :) ok,moving out for my fiance is not an option. I'm looking for a job but very new to town and cant seem to get around on the train very well. Once I find a job and am able to save up enough to move out,I'm gone. His father has Emphysema, and his mother has LAM or COPD. He's tried to leave to look for a job which they encourage,but when he comes out without immediate results,he gets guilt tripped on not being home to care for them.My mom,who lives 5 hours away,gives me money at times for me to travel by train to look for a job, but she doesn't want to 'enable' me much,so most of the time, were just plain broke. Things would be easier without the guilt trips,they seem to cause a ton of stress.

Honestly hon, go home to your mother and look for a job there, it's never going to get any better with this guy. There are plenty more men out there who aren't so tied to their parents' apron strings.
I'm not against caring for elderly parents, but when it gets to the point of making it impossible to have a life of one's own, ever (because one day he's going to be an orphan with no job skills), it's not a good idea.

It is very expensive to hire capable help for the elderly in their homes. Figure it out, even at minimum wage (and you will not get anybody very qualified for minimum) eight to ten hours a day really adds up fast. And who is going to hire an elderly person with an oxygen tube in his or her nose, especially in this economy? Please.

What is their insurance like? Could they go to adult daycare, which is just like kids daycare but for older adults.

I guess I am the only one that sees this from the other angle. You are your fiance are living with his parents who are on disability, neither of you are working and they are causing YOU Stress? Get out of their house, tell him to get out of their house. The both of you not having a job is not their problem. They can't afford to support the two of you! That is where the stress is coming from!

You said your mother doesnt send you too much money because she doesnt want to enable you? That sounds like there is a history there! Get out and find a job. There are no excuses, work at McDonalds if you have to.

is he attending college or already graduated?

I don't understand your arrangement. i totally agree with linda.

you live with these sick people without paying rent and i assume they support both of you, so you are planning on staying with them saving money and then moving out?

so you think it is OK to take advantage of old sick people?
and on top everything YOU both are annoyed that they ask him for some help?

so you expected to be supported by old ill people without actually doing ANYTHING for them? unbelievable. well his excuse might be that he is too immature but what's your excuse?

and they are probably upset that he brought unemployed woman to live in their house. one more mouth to feed.

I'm getting food stamps,so I help out with food, and I also have paid for his moms meds at times. I wasn't unemployed when I met him. I had a job at a grocery store, I was going to transfer my job to my new location,but they was issues at my job and I had to quit. I also have issues with my abusive ex husband who was getting out of jail n wants to hurt me. I got scared and since I quit my job anyway, I decided to move closer to my boyfriend. I plan on getting out and searching for a job everyday, but most of the jobs I find,like walgreens,the applications are online. My boyfriend is looking for jobs also.

spadekween -

I don't understand what you mean by "I plan on getting out and searching for a job everyday, but most of the jobs I find, like walgreens,the applications are online".

So do you apply for those jobs online? If not, why not? And it doesn't hurt to actually go to the place you'd like to work and talk to the manager and ask to fill out an app. there. There must be grocery stores in the area, coffee shops, and the like.

In the meantime, I'm paying to support you (you're getting food stamps; food stamps are available to you thanks to working taxpayers like me and many on this board). I don't have any problem with funding food stamps for people who genuinely need them either permanently or to get back on their feet. If you need them for a short time to get on your feet, you're welcome. But you must do your due diligence to do so and get off the public dole since you clearly have the ability to work.

It sounds like issues follow you, unfortunately. And issue with work so you couldn't transfer, an issue with your ex-husband, issues with your boyfriend's parents. Perhaps this situation isn't good for you and you need to look to what your future will be if you stay.

I agree that two able-bodied adults (you and your boyfriend) not working at any job is inexcusable. You should have little problem finding a job comparable to the one you left. If you really think about it, what do you think the problem is that neither you or or your boyfriend have been able to find some kind of job?

Suzieque

Is your ex looking for you? Do your boyfriend's parents know that someone dangerous could come to their home looking for you? Could they defend themselves if he showed up and threatened you, their son or them? Is it fair for you to be there?

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and probably should be really focussed on finding a job and somewhere else to live. Good luck.

yes,Ive applied online to a bunch of differant places, my bf is doing an odd job with a friend tomorrow plus going to Labor ready in the morning,which is a job placement agency. His parents are aware of my ex,yes,and it caused problems in the beginning but now. He's not looking for me anymore,he's come to terms with the fact that I dont want him anymore. Talking to a manager for me is difficult due to my social anxiety. During my 7 year abusive marriage,I wasnt allowed to do much,I'm still slowly recovering from it.

30-year old healthy woman is getting food stamps? how did you get them?

so I am working my whole life, raise a child, and pay taxes so someone like you can sit around and get free food, unbelievable. don't you have any shame?

clearly you have a very messed up life, and now you are trying to mess up everyone else's.

you take advantage of us, by using our money to fund your food stamps, you use sick people to live rent free and put them in danger with some psychos following you. this is a shame and disgrace, no excuse.

you can't talk to a manager? i bet you if you have nothing to eat and have to sleep on the street you'll go and talk just fine. what a shame

spadekween, thanks for answering my questions. I hope that you continue to get well so that you can, in fact, get a job. It is going to be extremely difficult if your emotional issues continue, then you will be in this situation forever. Living off taxpayers and your boyfriend's parents (I assume that they are/were taxpayers), living with a man who for whatever reason can't get a job (why is that?), and not progressing into much of a life.

Please, please, please make sure that you take your birth control as prescribed! Do not have a child (you don't have any now, right?). In addition to my not wanting to support your children, it is not a good situation for a child to be in at all!

You say this man is your fiance. Do you have a ring and a date?

Back to your original question, which I believe was about how to deal with his parents who expect to be waited on hand and foot, I'm afraid I don't have much to offer on that. Maybe they are obnoxious and demanding. But they are also housing their unemployed son and his girlfriend. Would they be able to live alone? When will you be able to live alone?

Suzieque

Had considered adding another two cents. Appears that others have been throwing nickels, so I refrain.

Yes,I do have kids.I also got my tubes tied. I have 4 kids right now,but they were all taken away because of the abusive relationship I was in. Its a very long and sad story. I have been homeless before also. when I was actually working before,I still got food stamps,so I was a taxpayer also paying for food stamps.We have rings,yes,very cheap ones,more like promise rings,and no,theres no date yet,were waiting until were both stable for that.
His parents are not taxpayers,they get social security for being on disability. As I said,my bf is going to work tomorrow,and I'm turning in applications. Theres not to much to do if no one is hiring,u just have to sit and wait for a phone call. I'm running out of places to apply at.

I think you just make this stuff up, it cannot be real but if it is...

his parents are currently on disability that does not mean they never worked and never paid taxes, they sure did. they own the house, which means they had income at some point. but even if they never did, it does not mean disabled people must support you.

so your children are taken away from you, nobody takes children away from a mother unless she was neglectful or abusive. nice...

who raises them? state? your family? their dad? are you paying child support? why did you have 4 children if you could not raise them? do you have substance abuse problem?

OK, let's say you messed up and now trying to fix your mess, but it does not appear so. You keep on messing up.

why aren't you working, why are you living in someone else's house, why are you messing up with 22-year-old who needs to get education and get on his feet, why aren't you trying to clean up your act and get your children?

your life might be beyond repair at this point, but your BF still has hope. why at 22 he is not getting any training or education and takes care of his own life first instead of accommodating you? why do you drag him into this mess.

spadekween -- does your moniker mean you play Spades a lot, maybe online?

You communicate very well here. Surely that can translate into a well-written online job application and a job, no matter how menial. Working a Mickey D's or Wally World is better than nothing.

I apologize if this has already been said ...

Please don't call your boyfriend's parents your in-laws. They are simply your boyfriend's parents.

P.S. OP, you titled this situation in-laws vs. my relationship, which seems to indicate you feel there is conflict between your boyfriend's parents and your relationship with him.

Are his parents opposed to your relationship? Many older people have "old-fashioned" ideas and are indeed opposed to young couples living together without being married. If this is the case, your living there is not going to help. Truly, it may help to put some geographical distance between you two.

They were opposed to me being with him at first, but they are past that now. We all pretty much help each other. And I didn't mean they never paid taxes before,I just meant they don't now. And they don't own there house,they live in a low income apartment.Sorry if I offended anyone by calling them my 'in laws', my bf and I like to act like were already married. My kids were taken away due to failure to protect them. My ex was abusive,they witnessed it,and so therefore,because I didnt leave him, it was failure to protect. I dont have a drug history at all. And my name,spadekween,is a southern california thing actually. Its a metal melisha and kottonmouth king sorta thing,youd have to look them up I guess. I have a myspace if u want to see more of what I'm like. An immature grown up I guess u could say. I've tried to get my kids back. I left my ex,after 7 years,which was very hard to do. I got a job,but becasue I was living with my mom(cuz rent is 2 much 4 me on min wage) the state didn't think I was stable enough to get them back. After a year and a half of this,my time ran out. I decided I wanted what was best for my kids,even if that meant its not me. I dont know if any of you remember me, but I was on here years ago as 'cylince' in the stepfamily and toddler forum. This site is what helped me leave my husband. myspace.com/spadekween

so who raises your children?

I went back and reread your previous threads. so you had 5 kids, one was given for adoption and 4 were taken away from you to a foster care due to your neglect. they weren't given enough food among other forms of abuse.

I cried when I read those posts. I cried for your children.

You are a very very bad mother and it makes you a very bad evil person and there is no excuse for anything you did, there will never be any forgiveness for what you did to your kids. And say nothing about your husband, YOU neglected your children.

"An immature grown up I guess u could say. "

Yes, I guess one could say that. Although, from your own description, I'd say "immature" is overly kind.

So...you're only 30...watcha gunna doo? More of the same? From your posts, I'd bet on that. You've described a despicable loser and that's what such people usually do.

Doesn't have to be. You can start over and build. But I can tell you without knowing anything more that this 22-year-old you're hangin' with won't be any ticket out. You've got 2/3's of your life remaining. That's a long time. You can do good things. You do not have to go 'round again. You can become something other. Please do that.

1st of all,unless u know all the details,please don't judge. Obviously,you've had the better life,without abuse. My husband kept me indoors for 7 years,unable to go to the store, or go outside, or even talk to my mother half the time. I was scared of leaving. My kids were very well fed thanx,my jackass husband liked to drink alot of the milk,but the kids still managed. My oldest son got taken cuz my ex hit him. I asked social services to help me leave him so they took my younger ones from me,that was there idea of helping. I went to a temporary homeless shelter and its been downhill trying to find a place to live since then. My ex's aunt and uncle are trying to adopt my kids. They are all split up and each of the foster parents wants to adopt. I find out where they go in May. As for my original concern,its been fixed. I'm going to get paid for caring for his parents,and he went to Labor Ready,the job placement agency I mentioned before. So he's working now. I'm also enrolled in college for a crime scene cleaner. I have to do 40 hours of Hazardous Waste and 8 hours of Blood Borne Pathogen, to be able to work for Bio-Tech. Its a gross job,but its $50 an hour for the first 3 scenes,then $100 after that. Thanx 4 all the negative insight tho,as before,its actually helped me alot. You know what they say,the truth hurts. And spare me the comments on my kids. Honestly, unless your capable of understanding exactly what I went through and how it happened, u have no right to comment. My kids are going to be with better more stable people than me. Thats whats best for them,and if that isn't love,I dont what is.

hes working paid 2 watch parents dads aunt n uncle crime scene cleanup

I'm glad for you that things are looking better and that both you and your boyfriend will be employed. You're saying that Labor Ready, the job placement agency, found him a job, right? Is it full-time permanent? Great!

And you're going to school for 48 hours to learn what you need to to work for Bio-Tech. Is Bio-Tech an actual company that has (or will) hire you and is therefore sending you to school on their dime, ensuring that you'll have a job when you're done with the training?

I think you're saying that you will get paid for taking care of your boyfriend's parents until you get this other job. Is it his parents who are paying you? They must be wonderful - to have you live there rent-free PLUS pay you to care for them. You are a very fortunate young woman to have found that setup.

Who will take care of them after you get this crime scene cleanup job? Hopefully that is taken care of so that you and your boyfriend can both remain employed full-time, can get on your feet, and get out and form your own lives, taking care of yourselves, and paying your own way.

I agree with you that your children are in better places.

Hi, Spadekween,
A lot of middle class folks who have never seen this side of life find your story hard to understand or accept. I work in an adult school/women's center and I see this type of scenario - and even worse - pretty often.

The crime scene clean up job pays well but it can be traumatic. I had a student (female) who was assigned to clean up a wall that had the brains of a child who had played with his grandfather's gun. I don't know too many people who can do that as an everyday job. It's not like you see on the CSI shows, it's very gross.

I suggest you take some night classes (adult school) in something more reasonable that can help with some job skills. Good job skills are the way into steady employment that you can live with, medical benefits and some measure of security. Don't go with the small "career colleges" that are on TV. Go with a community college (you can get financial aid) or a regular school district adult school or even a reputable women's center. If you live in Southern CA I can help you find one. If you receive public assistance, are you eligible for a welfare-to-work training program?

Learning a reliable trade takes some time but it is worth it. In six months or a year you could be in a whole different place for life. You have come this far, you must be a pretty strong woman. Good luck!

It is great that children are in a better place yet they are damaged for life and it is silly to deny it.

I don't think people should be allowed to procreate if they are not capable to protect their children.

the very first child had to be taken away right away and no more kids!

It would be much more humane to give them all up right away so someone could adopt them before they experienced abuse, molestation and neglect.

Unfortunately our society does a very poor job in protecting innocent children yet cuddles inadequate parents. I don't see OP accepting any personal responsibility for what she did.

Until she does, she will never become a better person.

i work with disadvantaged children and have a lot of sympathy for them. I know how abused children look. I am also pretty sure that these kids have disabilities and health issues due to neglect.

I have no sympathy for bad parents. None.

I'm sorry you've had a hard life but although life and your choices have not been the best, there is always today to start fresh.
Resolve to do your best each day, be grateful for what you have (can you walk, talk, see, breathe?) and be kind to all that you meet.
Small advice but it has helped me.

The schooling cost $400,I would be getting paid through the state for caring for his parents. my kids are very healthy, my 5 year old does have some issues due to the abuse he witnessed,but he's getting help for that.
my 2 year old daughter~

Umm.....13-year old, too? Apparently a few messages missed along your way. Thanks for having your tubes tied.

Cute kids. Glad they're someplace else.

I think your children are lovely kids. Putting their pictures up here, makes them available for others to use, and this is certainly not in their best interest. They had no say in their pictures being published.

"Resolve to do your best each day, be grateful for what you have (can you walk, talk, see, breathe?) and be kind to all that you meet. "

This is excellent advice. What you do now will set the course for your future.

Yo, popi....this woman is clueless. Save your keystrokes. I'll be saving mine.

Some of you are really mean and could start practicing just being KIND to people at whatever place they are in life.

jeez,talk about uptight rich jerks on this site. I've kept my cool long enough I think. Yes,I am stupid for being to afraid for leaving my ex husband, and yes, my kids weren't in the best position, but there in a better place now. Why cant you focus on that? and as for posting there pics, there are tons of sites that has pictures of peoples kids. I've seen them on here before,plus facebook,myspace,parents,babytalk,etc. so calm down. And I did mention my 13 year old, I just never mentioned his age.I posted their pics to prove they are healthy. thanks for the uplifting words

"...uptight rich jerks..."

Ooooo...so who's "judging" now? As with many things, apparently, you have no idea what you're talking about.

"...kept your cool..." long enough? Oh, that's precious! From your description, your life has been an endless sequence of "coolness" events so far, hasn't it?

Yes you have been "stupid" in many, many ways along your path assuming what you wrote is true. You can stop being that way. You know you can. I hope you will.

"and as for posting there pics, there are tons of sites that has pictures of peoples kids"

Just because other people do it does not make it right. I would never publish my imagine on the internet, and certainly not my children.

I wish you well, you sound like you are on the right track.

Spadekween,

Hugs to you.

You seem like you are trying to get your life together. Good for you.

You cannot change the past. Forgive yourself. You can only go forward and make your life better.

Don't listen to anyone who judges you. If someone has no idea what it feels like to be in an abusive relationship, they cannot understand.You were in an unthinkable, horrible place. It's almost like being brainwashed. We also don't know where you came from and why you would be attracted to an an abusive man. Have you had therapy at all, done reading etc?

Again don't absorb any harsh words you've heard here. You're trying to pull your life together and you should be proud of yourself for that.

Just continue to do the right thing.

Good luck to you!

the fact that you posted pictures of minor children on the internet for everyone to see (including perverts) tells me that you continue making immature decisions. they were taken away from you and you lost your parental rights. did you ask the state or foster parents a permission to post their pictures on the Internet?

Ummm, I see other posters show pictures of their children all the time and not get ripped to shreds for doing so.

who posts minor children pics here, bumble?

In any case, children are raised by someone else, she needed to ask their permission to post kids' pics. kids were taken away from her and someone else is their guardian now. as a guardian of my own child (when she was a minor) I would not appreciate people posting DD's pics without permission.

Not on this board but other boards I frequent. Nobody says a thing. Pictures of the grandkids or the family vacationing is common.

bumble, you did not udnerstand, once again those kids are taken away by the state due to neglect and someone else is kids' legal guardian either the state or some individuals.

a parent, who lost his/her children, is not a decision maker anymore. she cannot make decisions to post their pics here unless she asked their legal guardians a permission.

there is a big difference between posting pics of your children on vacation and posting pics of the kids that you are not a guardian anymore. big difference.

My nephew has had experience with this and he will not allow his children's picture on the net at all. A few years ago someone in a PC help forum brought this subject up and said no one knows who you are. Another poster came on with the other guy's name, and enough of the address and phone number to make a believer out of him. It's very dangerous, especially regarding pedophiles.

I doubt a pedophile would take the massive effort it would take to track these specific kids down to molest them. Most child abuse is a crime of opportunity (usually, the kid in a friends or relatives home, or much less often...see the kid on the street)

That said, I wouldn't post a picture of my kid here either. But some have decided this woman is a waste of breath and she's dammed if she does... you know the rest. So it really doesn't matter. On the Stepfamily thread there are pictures, and none of those making a fuss here are making a fuss there, even though they are posted by the SM not the BM of the child. Kick a weak person when they're down... that's it.

people who post pics of their kids on the stepfamily forum did not have those same kids taken away for neglect. big difference. OP lost her rights to post their pics IMO, she is not their guardian.

i also do not see how she is down? she seems to enjoy her life quite well, has much younger BF ;), his parents provided her with shelter, she does not have to hustle every day taking care of her kids and working 2 jobs how plenty of single moms do, she can spend her time posting silly stuff on facebook. How is she down?

She is yet to learn anything from her mistakes. What was the point to post their pics here? It makes me sick. She thought if she would post her pics it would make a difference? We don't do her any service by cuddling her.

I'm not asking to be 'cuddled' but thanx. And I dont 'enjoy' much in my life actually,but I'm the type of person who thinks theres no point in sitting around being depressed or sulking in my own self pity. I didn't lose my parental rights by the way. And my oldest son has his own myspace page that he posts his own pics on along with his brothers and sister. His foster mom is ok with it I guess. I have his password still tho,and if I see things on there that shouldn't be,I tell the social worker. I actually miss having to hustle, I miss getting up at 4am to make my husbands lunch,then waking up with the baby an hour or 2 later,then waing up again a few hours later to get my oldest off to school. I'm so far from any of that,I think I lost how to do it. The only thing I can do now is move forward. I'm close to getting a car(got money from a car accident recently) and I'm going to do my crime scene cleanup school,but until I can afford that,I'm going to go to school to be a phlebotomist and get paid for helping his parents out. So how do I delete those pics off of here? anyone know?

FD: Stepparents are often not the guardians either. If you aren't legally responsible, you shouldn't be posting pictures of them. I don't care one way or the other... but if it's all about who has the right to post the pictures you should widen your circle of disdain.

Spadekween, you can delete the pictures from whichever location you got them from (photobucket,etc). That will remove them from this forum.

Best of luck to you in the future.

If any of those stepparents posted pics of kids removed from the household due to neglect and abuse, then it is as bizarre as what OP did. But I am not aware of such cases.

Bizarre or not, Stepparents do not have the legal right to post pictures of children who are not theirs. Legally, it's two peas in a pod. Morally... well, you're going to be the judge.