To me, ignoring it doesn't mean it's ok. That's how he's dealing with her though. At least once he should confront her and if he has, then he might be right. There is'nt much you two can do other than to tell her to go away and ignore her as much as possible. At least now you have others that see her ways and can take her talk for what it really is.

Maybe your DH putting more and more space between him and his mother is the best you can expect of him. She won't change, he won't change. He won't wake up tomorrow with the confrontation "chip" firmly embedded in his brain. Think about what the result would be if he DID suddenly turn more confrontational with her? Don't you think she would be even nastier to you?

What is her relationship with your child/children currently? Is there any communication between them?

She clearly has emotional issues, unwilling to cut the cord. Would've been nice, I know, for DH to acknowledge your anger and pain. Some guys just can't wrap their minds around the importance of doing that.

Well, I guess one thing is inevitable: She'll be out of your lives for good one day.

I feel ya. I "had" a monster-in-law, she is now deceased.

The drama was never ending....until now. Do you remember the thread where someone published a mean obituary saying the person would not be missed & hoped the family could begin healing.....I soooooooooooo related to that! I feel ya....hang in there.

I think you have to realize that, in fact, it IS in the past and learn to deal with it. Your hub is ignoring her, to the best of his ability; she is his mother, after all. He loves YOU. He went to counseling with YOU.

I can't imagine that harboring ill-will towards your husband and fighting with him about his mother, demanding something of him, will make your marriage happy. I'd rather have the happy marriage, rather than continue the war on his mother. I don't see how that can make either of you happy, or even want to stay in the marriage, even after all these years.

Since you seem to be at loggerheads over the issue, you demanding something he refuses or cannot do, one of you has to give. Turn the question around and ask yourself: Why does it have to be hub who gives? His mother can't really hurt anything but your feelings any more.

I'm on your side, really.
But don't you imagine that she would be cackling now if she knew that she still had the power to cause a rift between you are your DH?

the fact you had an open dialoge with dh, to me is awesome...at least he listened...men so put out of their minds what they can't see...in my case it's the fil...after 40 years of marriage he still can be so dismissive...my kids don't communicate with him, other than to send pictures of the grands or christmas cards...

don't know if sil has done the right thing telling you something so hurtful, from 25 yers ago...but maybe she felt she had to...

enjoy your family as it is now...you're sooo very lucky to have an inner peace/love with dh your mil will never have...i pity her being bitter and alone...

Vickey, I can sympathize with you 100%. My late MIL was exactly like that, did everything she could to destroy our marriage and Woody would always excuse her behavior to me. She would say horrible things about me to anyone who would listen and it never failed to get back to me somehow, small towns, ya gotta love/hate 'em! lol

For years and years, he would sort of get it, but he was unable to do anything about it because he's too nice and didn't have it in him to be confrontational or rude to her, said she was such a good mother to him and his sibs when they were young, that he couldn't do it. He was brought up to respect his elders and especially his parents. Fine. Whatever. I wouldn't have taken that from my parents if they'd hated him, but OK.... anyway...

You know what really drove the point home, to Woody? The day she turned her venom on HIM. Yep, he was shocked. And he drove over to her house at 10:30 PM, to let her have it, gave her notice to NEVER speak ill of either one of us again. She denied saying what he heard, but he knew he heard it. She never apologized, either, but it sure opened his eyes and I think it got a lot easier for us after that because I was able to stop resenting the fact that he wouldn't stand up for us.

I don't know if your DH will ever get there, but the more you can ignore her and not think about her, the better. That's what I had to do. Not talk to her, see her as little as possible, let him deal with her.

It's nice that the rest of family is getting their eyes opened, finally! And I liked your 25 year analogy! Good one. Maybe he'll ponder that a bit and wake up some. Good luck!

I don't have any advice but I love your analogy you presented to DH. Brilliant. I'm going to use that anytime someone I'm dealing with whines "Oh, but that was in the past."

I was one of the lucky one I s'pose...my MIL(ex) and I got along for over 35 years.

Now my own DIL would tell and has told everyone that "I" am the monster-in-law...keep in mind,she is a boozer,has never really been taught anything,respect being one of the major issues in her life with "everyone".

I have often said,that in the history of OntGal,she is the "first" to have not liked me,no matter what I have done or try to do to get along.

What Gardenspice said.

And I loved your analogy too.

Good luck

I sympathize with you....my first husband's mother wasn't as bad, but she was a constant drunk, who never referred to me by name all the years after the wedding, until she died.

Late DH wouldn't hear a word against his dear, sainted mother...made me sit in the back seat of the car when we ever took her out.

All this while we supported her financially after her 2nd husband walked out one her - in his walker.

I shed not a single crocodile tear at her funeral.
Hope you get the same chance.
With people like that, the only revenge is burying them.

Hi Mrs. Recipient of (Semi-)Home-Brewed Trouble,

Your MIL is trying to drive wedges between hubs and you ... as she has been for, how many years? ... and with what measure of success?

When you tell him about such issues, he gets more knowledge, but it may not result in more than a low level of negative stuff between you.

Then you make insistences that he bi!ch to her about the issues ...

....

... at which point she succeeds in driving one more of those wedges, doesn't she?

It appears that he is distancing himself from her.

Isn't that about the best that you're gonna get, without causing friction between you?

About the only time that leopards change their spots is when you tranquilize them and paint some on.

And then they'd probably lick 'em off, when they came to ... and be more unhappy with the tranquilizing instigator?

Good wishes for working things out in a way which will be best for your marriage ... and with which you can find at least a measure of satisfaction.

ole joyful

Hugs to you ((((Vickey))))

It sounds as if you're married to my husband and we're sharing a MIL.

I do feel your pain, but I can't offer a word of advice. I grit my teeth a lot; I don't call her as often as I use to, and when she starts raving and screeching I end the conversation and quickly as possible.

Thank goodness she's half-way across the country...and that's far too close for my comfort.

I don't think it matters if a man's mother was good or bad; she was MOTHER.

My DH's mother was mentally abusive. He couldn't get up the nerve to confront her until he was past 40. He had proof that he was adopted and she refused to discuss it, ending the 'conversation' by telling him he was a "no account kid" -- the unspoken message she'd been giving him all his life. He told her to call him when she was ready to talk about this, not before. Her final coup? She DIED. (She had been seriously ill for many years, but decided to die rather than be held accountable.)

Did she 'win'? No, we *rejoiced*! Free at last. (Well, after considerable years of work undoing all the damage she'd done!) I wish I had back all the years of being the dutiful DIL -- especially when her attitude ruined family gatherings and stole time from my own lovely mother.

BTW, that is how I handled my MIL. I did exactly as much as I felt it was my duty to do -- no more. If she called, ranting, I told her I couldn't talk to anyone that upset, that she could call back later. (It didn't take long to stop getting those calls.) *I* was able to handle her, but DH never was. She was MOTHER. (There's a recurring line in the old "Rumpole of the Bailey" TV series where the ornery old barrister defers to his wife as, "She Who Must Be Obeyed".)

Don't court trouble, Vickey. Yes, it would be freeing for your DH to draw the line, and you would think him to be more of a man, but if he won't, maybe he can't.