Angry at my husband! Remodeling problems

12 years ago

Warning: long rant!

I've posted in the bathroom and kitchen forums so why not here too. Remodeling is stressful. My husband and I don't agree on everything.

We bought a house very, very cheap and we currently have a lot of equity in the home, and I'm happy about that. The house has good bones; it's a small fixer upper on an acre and a half. Property and house have been neglected for probably 20+ years. People have lived in it during that time but they didn't fix things up properly, applying tape and other redneck ultra cheap improper techniques to hold the place together while they lived in it. It's my opinion that they lived like animals. You will see why below.

Why did we buy this very cheap, under-market priced fixer upper? Because I was completely against a mortgage and DH convinced me that we could fix this place up (and it wasn't easy convincing me; I knew nothing of remodeling until we started on this place and wasn't aware that you COULD fix a place up like this; I never would have guessed that you could transform things so much). We were renting at the time he bought it, so we remodeled the place while we stayed in our rental.

Then we hired a sheetrock guy and he went way way way over the deadline and our 1-yr lease was coming to an end so we had no choice but to move even though the kitchen, bathroom and laundry room were not remodeled yet and badly in need of it.

When we moved in, the bathroom, kitchen and laundry room were not fit to use. We had a spat over the bathroom being in such poor condition, but the next day I bleached the heck out of it and we installed new hardware and now it's tolerable. At least it's clean. It's still a struggle to use it though.

Then we had a spat about the kitchen and he called me a princess because I wanted it to be more ready before I used it. Then today we had another spat about the kitchen. Yesterday, after vacuuming out the mouse poop, dead roaches, and dust inside the cabinets, I spent hours on my hands and knees with bleach, water, soap, and mold killer cleaning out the nasty, filthy cabinets in that kitchen, and then let it dry overnight.

Then, today I discover 2-3 new turds of fresh mouse poop and inform my husband. He says well it sounds like we need some mouse traps. I said no, we need to install 1-inch thick strips of plywood along the inside edges of the cabinets where there is a gap between the floor/wall and the cabinets where the mouse is getting in. He said go away I feel like you're nagging me.

I got so mad, I left the house calling him all kinds of names under my breath where he could not hear me, picked up a chair, marched off to the opposite end of the property and waited until the last minute before we had to leave for work.

Now I'm at work and my blood is still boiling. How can he treat me this way? He moved me into a house where the most important parts of a house to a woman--the bathroom and kitchen--were 100% neglected before moving in. I told him right at the beginning that the bathroom and the kitchen are the most important to me, but he just didn't do anything with these parts of the house. And the kitchen is, right now, a week later, not usable because of mold growth that I could not reach while cleaning (I guess I'll have to get something like a sponge on a stick to finish the job), and mouse poop. I will not use the kitchen while a mouse lives in my cabinets.

And because of this I'm a princess and a nagging wife. Really? What does a husband expect when he moves his wife into a house where the bathroom and kitchen were not usable?

I have, for the first time in my life, gotten an infection in my belly button. He says it's from all the cleaning I've been doing. Believe me, I've been busy!!!!!! I didn't even know that you could GET an infection in your belly button! It was painful! He had to help me clean that thing out and then pour hydrogen peroxide in there to kill the infection! I'm in my late 20s and never had this happen to me before! Yes it was funny. Yes we laughed a ton about it while I whimpered and whined. We will never forget the experience, but right now I'm mad.

Every time he and I disagree about how and when to go about doing a repair or something with the house, he takes it as me nagging him or disapproving of him. I can't deny that I disapprove of the way he's gone about things. It's true. I disapprove of the fact that we moved in before the kitchen and bathroom were ready. I disapprove of the fact that he doesn't want to do things right the first time. I disapprove of the fact that he changes plans randomly without consulting me and then expecting me to go along with it. I disapprove of how he wants to remodel the kitchen--I don't agree with his plans. He wants the fridge to stay parked in the dining room and I don't agree. EVEN HIS BUDDIES AND HIS MENTOR SAID IT WAS A BAD IDEA, and that he should do the kitchen differently. I disapprove of his plan to put the dishwasher all the way across the kitchen, opposite to the sink, which is the farthest distance away from the sink that you can go. I disapprove of the way he wants to remodel the bathroom. He wants to remove the current paneling from the bathroom walls and then just slap some tiles up onto the bare walls without putting up any kind of board there first.

I don't want to have a rednecked house. I want this house done right so that I don't get infections in my belly button, mouse poo in my pots and pans, mold on my dishes, wood rot and mold growth behind the tiles in the bathroom, and on and on. I guess that makes me a princess and a nagging wife!

If he read this post, which he will not, he'd fly into a rage and threaten (again) to sell the house and just rent some place, while calling me a princess.

This post was edited by Swiss_Chard_Fanatic on Wed, Mar 19, 14 at 12:43

Featured Answer

colleenoz

12 years ago

last modified: 11 years ago

Who uses the kitchen more, you or him? To my mind the person who will use the room more gets to design it. If it's 50-50, you both have to agree. If you are the kitchen person, then you get more say in how it's planned. Otherwise, you get to plan _his_ tool shed ;-)
I do agree, fridge in the dining room and dishwasher opposite the sink, aren't good ideas. You could point out that plumbing the dishwasher so far away from the other plumbing for the sink will be a PITA and more expensive. Standard design wisdom is to have a "work triangle" of fridge, sink and stove (as these are the most used features of the kitchen), and if the fridge isn't even in the room the triangle is busted.
Stay calm, and realise one or two mouse poos are not going to kill you, and neither is some mold you can't reach. Calmly point out that while mouse traps will get rid of the current pest, it won't keep out future pests as well as sealing the cupboards will. Plus you have to deal with what's in the trap. Far easier to just keep them out in the first place. Deal with the mold as soon as you can, but in the meantime, it's not going to leap out of that unreachable corner and contaminate everything else in the place.
As to the bathroom, what do you mean by "bare walls"? Tiling onto plaster is pretty well standard here, but you can paint with a waterproof membrane to keep the wall from getting wet if the grout fails. Grout does fail, and you don't want water wicking into the wall.
Circumstances forced you to move into an unfinished house, but stressing about it won't help you in the long run. It is what it is, accept it and move forward. Living in a house that's being renovated isn't always a barrel of laughs (I've spent weeks cooking on a portable hot plate and washing up in the laundry sink, months using a port-a-potty in the front yard, months taking my washing to a friend's to use her laundry and more) but it doesn't last. Years from now the stress will have been forgotten and you will look at your renovated house and think "We did this".

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Comments (20)

popi_gw
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Well I hope your feel a bit better now, that you have got that off your chest.

I am a person who has been through a house being built and it was not that pleasant.

I think you have to expect the whole project to be difficult because it will be !

Perhaps it is unrealistic to expect that your husband is the cause of all the problems and that he is the person who will fix them all.

I do know, that best way you can get what you want, is to talk in a calm manner, and not start a whole bucket full of emotion. Think with your head, you are clever, you know how to get what you want, don't you ?

Don't be angry with hubbie, just work as a team. Perhaps you should sit down and prioritise the jobs that need doing, and agree on the best way to get them done.

Good luck.
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sherwoodva
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
What Colleenoz said. We've had mice in the kitchen; they try to get in when the weather is cold. If it is really bothering you, pack up your kitchen stuff until your husband blocks the holes. Just make sandwiches - stuff from the fridge and freezer. That might get him to address the problem.

My cupboards are well over 50 years old, so from my viewpoint, you do seem a bit unrealistic. If you love your husband, try to figure out a way to deal.

I totally agree with you about the kitchen design. Fridge belongs in the kitchen. Explain about the work triangle and invite him to look it up on the web. Men need to be educated, sometimes. If there is room in the kitchen now for the fridge, get a bunch of friends to move it. That might help make him realize it makes life easier to have the fridge in the kitchen. Another point is if you want an ice maker, the fridge can't be too far from the sink.

Regarding the bathroom, to do it right, especially around the tub/shower, you need tileboard installed, and then tile.

If your husband flies into a rage over things, I suggest a marriage counselor. That is not healthy behavior. You don't mention kids. If you leave him, you can force the sale of the house as is and get your half of the equity.
catlettuce
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Oh boy! I just lived the kitchen remodel last year. My DH was supposedly replacing my 1920's sink and I came home from work to find my entire kitchen demo-ed right down to the studs. I almost killed him right then and there.

Sigh...It was a very long 6 months for both of us.

It would be a REALLY good idea for you to both together go to a big box dept store or kitchen design place-even ikea will help you work out a kitchen design for free!

Try to think of how you will use the space. And who will use it the most. Will you be the prmary cook or will your husband? For us it was me so I made the final choice on the layout with respect to the plumbing of course.

We have a galley style kitchen so space saving was of primary importance, Since everything was ripped out down to the studs we set up a temporary kitchen in the dining room-with a microwave, a toaster/convection oven, fridge was moved to dining room as well. We had to use the powder room sink for water. It was not fun but we didn't have to rush and were able to take our time to plan it out exactly the way we wanted it.

So. Take a deep breath, and exhale slowly. Everything will be okay.

Mouse droppings happen in an older home. Set traps, get rid of the offenders and yes the point of entry needs to be sealed. Don't rush through but do the job correct the first time.

Work together and consider this an adventure. Older homes always need updating. Try to be patient since neither of you have rehabbed a home before. I suggest doing one room at a time so you don't become overwhelmed.

In areas that use water, always some sort of tile board under tile. An ounce of prevention prevents a pound of frustration later. You and your DH should be on the DIY boards together making plans and hopefully this will prevent arguments later.

I encourage you both strongly to find out the correct way to fix things the first time and do that. Even if it is more expensive. Also i encourage you both to recruit family members that have experience with remodels and rehab to help you with your adventure. It will make the process more fun and will keep your family and friends invested in your home and make it more special for all involved. Kind of like family and friends coming together for a barn raising. Take all the help you can get.

Again, before reacting, take a big deep breath and exhale. Now count to ten. Slowly..be patient with each other..

~Cat
scarlett2001
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Been there, done that - if I ever have to do it again, I will definitely have a moderator or a mediator.
phoggie
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Cat.... I hate to hi-jack this page, but I assume you are the one and same Cat that I used to follow when you had a boat load of problems with DH and family...right? From this post, it sounds like things have worked for you...great! If not the same person, I am sorry to have butted in on this post.
Swiss_Chard_Fanatic
Original Author
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Posted by popi
"Don't be angry with hubbie, just work as a team. Perhaps you should sit down and prioritise the jobs that need doing, and agree on the best way to get them done."

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Yes, I have tried that many times, and it fails each time and ends in a spat. Hubby decides what needs doing all on his own and then expects me to just agree to it. He says my ideas would be too expensive and not practical. The fact is that hubby and I, when it comes to the house, are not a team. The house is a strain on our marriage.

Yesterday he randomly decided that it was now time to remodel the bathroom. A few weeks ago he had a friend who works in the construction industry evaluate and recommend things, and everything he said was exactly what I had told my husband before--but he wouldn't believe me or act on what I said until this friend confirmed it.

Hubby has decided and decreed that this weekend the bathroom will be remodeled, "as cheaply as possible," and he plans on deviating from his construction friend's recommendations if he feels he can get away with it in order to save money. I do not agree with these plans. If I step in and let him know how I feel and what my goals are with the bathroom, I will be labeled as the nagging wife and princess once more.

I don't know how much more of this I can handle. If he can't listen to me without calling me a princess and take into account what my wishes are too, I'm going to agree that we should just sell this house. I will not continue to be treated this way and be forced to live in a rednecked house.
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Posted by colleenoz
"Who uses the kitchen more, you or him? To my mind the person who will use the room more gets to design it. If it's 50-50, you both have to agree. If you are the kitchen person, then you get more say in how it's planned. Otherwise, you get to plan _his_ tool shed ;-) "

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Sorry colleenoz, he gets to plan both my kitchen and his toolshed, because my ideas would be too impractical and expensive. He doesn't want to spend more than $500 on the kitchen, and not even that if he doesn't have to. I guess that since I don't have a formal job, I don't get any say in the matter.
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Posted by colleenoz
"Years from now the stress will have been forgotten and you will look at your renovated house and think "We did this"."

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Well, the plan is to live in this house for 5 years, then sell and build a custom home. We paid under $30k for this less than 900 sq ft 1940s-build home, and it was in need of lots of work when we bought it. We've done a lot of work on it but it needs more. The catch is, this house will never be level. The floor rolls and the walls slope in places; nothing is square. We estimate it would cost $20k to get that fixed completely, so it's not going to happen (and I agree, it simply isn't worth that). But because of the fact that it is so old and it slopes and rolls in places, it makes the house not worth pouring thousands and thousands of dollars into. But at the same time I don't think $500-$2k is unreasonable on the kitchen. I'd like to enjoy living here as much as I can rather than be unhappy for 5 years of my life that I cannot get back. But apparently it isn't my choice--all up to hubby. Yep. And if I say anything I'm a princess and a nagging wife.
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Posted by colorcrazy
"What Colleenoz said. We've had mice in the kitchen; they try to get in when the weather is cold. If it is really bothering you, pack up your kitchen stuff until your husband blocks the holes. Just make sandwiches - stuff from the fridge and freezer. That might get him to address the problem."

-------------------------------------------------
I did something like that actually, and you would have thought it nearly ended our marriage. The spat that resulted was quite intense, with him becoming very angry, calling me a princess, a 3-hour long "talk" and him saying it made him feel like his efforts will never be good enough for me. I am still confused by it. Just because something still needs remodeling does not mean someone isn't good enough.
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Posted by catlettuce
"Oh boy! I just lived the kitchen remodel last year. My DH was supposedly replacing my 1920's sink and I came home from work to find my entire kitchen demo-ed right down to the studs. I almost killed him right then and there.

Sigh...It was a very long 6 months for both of us."

-------------------------------------------------
He was wrong to just do that without consulting you.
-------------------------------------------------

Posted by catlettuce
"It would be a REALLY good idea for you to both together go to a big box dept store or kitchen design place-even ikea will help you work out a kitchen design for free! "

-------------------------------------------------
He doesn't want to spend even $500 on the kitchen, so what would be the point? He's going to do it all his way and he expects me to go with his plans and trust him, but I don't. And I want to be consulted and I want some of my wishes to be considered, even if they will cost a little more.
-------------------------------------------------

Posted by catlettuce
"Try to think of how you will use the space. And who will use it the most. Will you be the prmary cook or will your husband? For us it was me so I made the final choice on the layout with respect to the plumbing of course. "

-------------------------------------------------
I am the cook; I do 100% of the cooking and cleaning. I spend 2-4 hours a day in there. But he will not budge on layout plans or anything. It's gotta be his way or the highway. I can't put up with this much longer.

I don't mind it taking some time, but I would like to have more deciding power than I currently have, which isn't much at all.

A friend pointed out to me that this may be a deeper issue. I am very independent by nature; I want things done a certain way and I usually get them done myself. I am college educated and own my own business. The business used to be a full time job and it earned a good income but now it's just a side business that doesn't earn much, so I'm not really contributing financially to the marriage at this time, and I do not feel comfortable with that. I am not completely comfortable being in the role of the financially dependent spouse, especially if it means I have little to no say in remodeling and other decisions. I need more control and more say over things.

I used to be independent and made all my own decisions. I moved out at age 20 and lived my own life, never asked mom and dad for anything. Got scholarship to pay for college; parents did not pay my college expenses. When I lived with parents, I paid for my first car, paid car insurance, paid for gas, books, all my own expenses. Even started paying them rent before I moved out on my own.

Moved out on my own, had roommates, did my own thing. I loved the independence. But since the 2008 economic crash, I have struggled and it hasn't been the same for me. When my business took a hit and tanked in 08 my health took a turn for the worse, I fell into a deep depression, then I developed other health problems that have progressed to the point that DH tells me it would interfere with my ability to hold down a job. I agree with him; it is that bad. I am working on my health right now so that I could get a job if I wanted to. I don't want to be in this position forever. I help DH with his business but I'd still prefer to be doing my own thing.

Sorry for the long rant, but it did help me feel a little better.
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This post was edited by Swiss_Chard_Fanatic on Thu, May 8, 14 at 12:53
sushipup1
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Sounds pretty hopeless to me. You have a counter to every suggestion, so your only option is to end the relationship.

which is not the end of the world, and may open up your whole life.
colleenoz
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I must admit, sushipup has a good point. If your DH (and I don't mean "Dear") thinks the one who earns the most gets to make all the decisions, he sounds like a real jerk. If you do all the cooking and cleaning, and want to plan things so they will function well for you, and he vetoes everything and calls you a princess, he's a double jerk. I'm not sure I see why you stay. Inertia?
Swiss_Chard_Fanatic
Original Author
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
He says that my ideas are "too expensive." He wants to spend less than $1k on the bathroom remodel, and he hopes to get by with $500 if he can. He wants to spend only $200-$300 if that on the kitchen remodel, and even less on the laundry room. He says spending more than that is unreasonable and that the house isn't worth putting that much more into it...I feel so sick right now...like I'm going to throw up. It's causing a lot of stress on the marriage...
popi_gw
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Yes, he sounds unreasonable.

Marriage is about compromise - all the way, about everything- but you both have to agree to that concept, and it sounds like that is not going on in your part of the world.

I am exhausted just imagining all the hassles you are living with.

Good luck.
lifeenrichment
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I just can imagine how hassle it was on your part. Your husband must have thought of you in the first place!
sherwoodva
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Swiss, you have not posted in a while. I hope you found a way out. Maybe live with a friend or a relative so that you can escape the stress and think about your next steps.

I agree with the others that your husband is totally unreasonable. Also, regarding the depression, I have found that having a full time job helped with my depression, as it gave me a reason to get up every day, and I was associating with people. Something to think about. I certainly would not take your husband's advice on anything.
cherig22
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I have, for the first time in my life, gotten an infection in my belly button. He says it's from all the cleaning I've been doing. Believe me, I've been busy!!!!!! I didn't even know that you could GET an infection in your belly button! It was painful! He had to help me clean that thing out and then pour hydrogen peroxide in there to kill the infection!

What in the world caused an infection in your bell button???

You sound like a clean freak gone bad, inventing problems you do not have.

NO ONE GETS AN INFECTION FROM THEIR BELLY BUTTON UNLESS THEY NEVER CLEAN IT IN THE SHOWER...

Cheri
zinniarose
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Yes, remodeling can be a source of contention in a marriage.

It sounds like there's no master plan and you both are winging it. I understand the need to keep within a budget but shortcutting can lead to bigger problems down the road.

The cosmetics of a home are a selling feature but if the bone structure of a house is falling apart, then it's not worth putting it on the market. You said the floors and walls aren't level. That's a common problem in older homes. The floor joists need to be reinforced, maybe even replaced. If the walls are bowing, the potential of a roof cave in significantly increases. Check the framing for dry rot and termite damage and replace if necessary. Renovations do not have to be costly, but they sure better be safe and within current building codes.

Although you will get your hands dirty from cleaning, it doesn't seem like you'll do much more than that. If you think the cabinets need a one inch barrier in the back, why didn't you take on that project yourself? Measure it out, cut the wood to fit then install. If you don't know how to use a power saw, ask your husband to show you and help you through the first few times until you get the hang of it. Start watching the DIY network and you'll see plenty of women who have a hands on approach.

There are cheap places to get building materials. Craigslist has an awesome section for Materials that people need rid of. The ReStore/Habitat for Humanity organization has new and used building materials extremely inexpensive. But all this takes planning. Talk, research, buy then install.
sylviatexas1
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
cheri cheri cheri.

There ya go again, criticizing people & making judgments & calling names & re-confirming your own superiority.

You can get an infection anywhere & not wanting mouse poop in your cookware does not make anyone a "clean freak gone bad".

Do you have mouse poop in your cookware?
scarlett2001
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
This sounds more like a power struggle than a relationship.
But then some people say every relationship IS a power struggle. I guess it's mostly a matter of degree.
cherig22
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
cheri cheri cheri.

There ya go again, criticizing people & making judgments & calling names & re-confirming your own superiority.

You can get an infection anywhere & not wanting mouse poop in your cookware does not make anyone a "clean freak gone bad".

Do you have mouse poop in your cookware

Absolutely, I live in the freaking country, and mice get in. do I go postal over it? No. I set traps and try to seal off entrances for them. they get in everywhere, and you deal with it.

BUT A BELLY BUTTON INFECTION?

Please.

Cheri
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Mosquito bites can become infected.

anywhere.
letabez
8 years ago
This was several years ago. Are you cooking in the kitchen of your dreams? Are you still married to that guy? lol

Angry at my husband! Remodeling problems

colleenoz

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Angry at my husband! Remodeling problems

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