Time for you and sister to see an elder care attorney ASAP about a POA...I presume from what you say that there is none.

As to the anger - she's angry at herself, feels vulnerable and is trying to keep control of herself.

AS hard as it is...you have to remain calm, telling her you love her.

I am sorry you are dealing with this - there often comes a time when we have to deal with role-reversal. You may have to assume the role of 'adult' and guide your beautiful mother through some difficult decisions.

I have worked in the healthcare field, and with families who face your situation - it's not easy, but you will need to be firm and direct her - the first step is to get her to a doctor for a proper diagnosis.

Does Alzheimer's run in your family - it is hereditary. If a doctor has diagnosed other family members with this disease, perhaps you can get her an appointment with THIS doctor and he can determine her status.

No matter what her issues are, if it is Dementia, please take NONE of her reactions personally - it's the nature of this disease. If it gets to be too stressful for you, get away for awhile. Try to redirect your mother when she gets upset.

Please feel free to post here if you need support, OR just email us directly - keep us posted and we will pray for you.

God Bless you and your family!

Moonie, what a sad time for you and your family. Monica is so right, you or your sister need to have a power of attorney done as quickly as possible. The other concern I would have are her medications, is she taking them properly, and were they all written and filled by one doctor and one pharmacy? Could they be contributing to her issues?

Yes, we have talked about trying to get a POA but from what we understand, it's difficult to obtain if the person is not greatly incapacitated.

Alzheimers does not run in our family but we do sometimes wonder if our grandmother was undiagnosed with it.

Mom takes no medication other than the occasional tylenol. She has fibromyalgia but won't try meds because so many things upsets her stomach, including ibuprofin. When she does go to the Dr, which is seldom, she rarely takes any meds prescribed, for that reason. Some meds will also give her rapid heartbeat, however, she takes great pride in not being on any meds at her age, so I think her pride often stands in the way.

I would definitely try to convince Mom to see an estate attorney. Try to explain to your mother that you know she is fine now, but the time may come that she will need you to take over. A power of attorney can be done that only takes effect if a doctor says she is unable to handle her affairs on her ownÂthat may placate her.

It is also very important that she have a will, and a power of attorney for health care. My mother had severe dementia and was unable to communicate for two years. Thankfully, when she had a severe stroke, all her legal documents were in place. If she had not had the power of attorney for health care, they would have kept her alive, in a vegetative state. They even talked about surgery, even though there was no chance for recovery! With the power of attorney for health care, they were only allowed to keep her comfortable until God was ready for her. My mother watched her sister waste away for 6 years after a debilitating stroke, so she made us promise that we would never allow that to happen to her. We kept our promise.

Good luck to you!

Unfortunately/fortunately, your mother doesn't sound bad enough for you to take over her affairs if she doesn't want you to. Believe me, I've been through caring for feisty, uncooperative older relatives. My mom was a little confused--and did as your mother has, letting bills go, etc. She wasn't officially diagnosed with Alzheimers, and she never got really bad (she continued to live independently in an apt. with a lot of help from family and hired caregivers), but her dr. did prescribe Aricept and it made a big difference. Here's a suggestion--if you can convince your mom to agree to it. Get her to have you (or your sister) put on all her accounts as someone to notify if the bill is paid late. Tell mom, you just want to be there in case there were a problem or emergency in the future. Let her continue to pay her bills. I'd recommend keeping an eagle eye on her health insurance though. My mom used to forget to pay that one regularly, because it was just a coupon book and she had to remember it on her own. After twice having to get it reinstated for her, I just insisted that we pay it for the whole year. She always argued, "I may not be here until the end of the year", but I told her then she wouldn't need to worry about it, would she?.

You're right that your mom needs to get to the dr's. And someone needs to go with her. With her memory problems, she may not understand or remember what dr. says, and with her contrariness, she may not want to follow his recommendations.

I agree--having to parent our parents is definitely THE MOST difficult stage of life, I've found. This past year, I've had to insist that my 86 year old aunt cease driving, give up her beloved apt, and move to assisted living. It broke my heart, and gave me all kinds of guilt--but she's had some health issues, and is at a point where she does need help and supervision to continue to live safely. She was very, very unhappy for many months, but finally, this past 2 months, has perked up, is getting active in the facility, making friends, complaining about stuff--I'm so glad to see her starting to sparkle again. It was the right decision--we knew that from the start, but I'm glad Aunt is finally coming around.

I would advise that you sit down with your attorney and ask questions--what can you do, what can't you, what will you have to do to see that she gets properly cared for if she can no longer handle her affairs but continues to refuse help. Know your legal rights and responsibilities. Be sure, if you do get a POA, that you understand what that document means. My SIL is lucky she's not in jail because she misused the one she had for MIL. The prosecutors were REALLY hot to go after her, but DH and I begged them not to (although I'm not really sure that was the right decision on our part, she did missappropriate a great deal of money)

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, too. We had much the same thing with my MIL. She was so difficult. Lucky for us she would listen to my husband.

Some of the things we did was to start keeping track of everything we could without her knowing. We had a note book that we wrote everything in. One of us went to the house on a daily basis and kinda looked around and kept track that way. She drove but only in town at that point.
She finally had a stroke and she had to go into a nursing home. The Lord blessed us with the type she had. It affected her mind instead of her body. She coped really well in the nursing home. WE even kept a notbook in the nursing home as to who was there to visit and how things went. It just helped all of us so much.

Can you and your sister go have a talk with her doctor? Tell him all of it. All about the bills, having her utilities shut off, her car insurance and everything else you know. He will see she needs help and could help you to get control of things. On her car if I were you both you and your sister should go together and one of you sneak her car keys. She should not be driving. Make her think she just missplaced them. Even offer to help her look for them. Disable the car and lock the doors.. Absolutely make it impossible for her to get in and drive. If she were to get in an accident you would have more trouble then you could ever handle..

Also maybe you could contact the utilities and explain to them what is going on.. Perhaps they could be sending you a copy of the bill so you could keep track of it. I know this is so darn hard when they are being so difficult but your mom doesn't know what is happening to her.

Keep posting with us and we will give you a hug from time to time. I know just being able to talk about it to others is so helpful..

Susie

(((((Moonie)))))

There also could be something else to blame.
I don't want to scare you, but some of my mom's issues were the result of a brain tumor (which surgeons removed).
As weird as it sounds, if she's worried that she has dementia, something that's difficult to overcome for many people, she might actually consent to going to a doctor if she thinks there's a treatable solution.

Azzalea's suggestion that you see if utility companies and other billers will put you on an "alert" status is an excellent one!

Don't forget that you can call Division of Senior Services for your area. They have procedures to diagnose your Mom's situation and determine if she is ill. The attorney is definently something you must do, IMHO.

Moonie...I'm so sorry you're having to go thru this...I've lost your email...so would you please email me thru here so we can update each other!!

(((Moonie)))...big hugs to you...I hope things settle down and you get your Mom on the road to better days...

Azzalea's suggestion was a good one and that's exactly what my sister did last month. Some companies were willing to talk with her, other's weren't. Only two were willing to send her disconnect notices.

I am actually on my mom's checking account and often access it online. So, we are aware that bills aren't getting paid or that she is paying the minimum (by phone, when they call her) to keep utilies on. She seems to not be able to "find" her bills when I've offered to sit down and help her pay them. Last month, I spent a couple hours in mom's house while she was gone looking for acct. #'s, etc. This information I passed on to my sister and she made the contacts.

I have considered simply paying her bills without her knowledge, or at the very least, attempting to set them up as automatic withdrawals. The problem with this would be her possibly overdrawing her account.

Sadly, what it comes down to is trying to get up the nerve to be firm with her. My sister and I are both mild-mannered and cave when mom starts getting mad with us. She has a very strong personality, to put it nicely. :)

So, we are slow in making any progress. Neither of us want her slamming the door in our faces forever, which is a good possibility!

She lives next door to me and I just went over there. She still has her front door screen locked. A sure sign that she's not ready to talk to me yet. :(

I'm so sorry for those of you that have had to go through this sort of thing. It's terribly painful.

pammy - sometimes we feel that fear is the reason that mom won't go to the Dr. I would be interested if you all could give me an idea of what types of tests we could expect.

I think it would be a good idea to get together with my sister and see her Dr.

Hey liz! I'll try to email you tonight but please be forewarned... I'm terrible about communications! LOL

Don't forget that you can call Division of Senior Services for your area. They have procedures to diagnose your Mom's situation and determine if she is ill.

I was told by State Senior Services that they cannot diagnose or treat without permission. Unless/until you have a durable POA for Health, your mother's permission is necessary.

That's only one of the reasons why you need to first get an elder care attorney.

I also agree about redirecting your mother's bills to you, but you cannot sign checks or e-pay any money out of mother's account...unless you have that legal power.

Still, the Division of Senior Services might be a place to start and get the ball rolling. Not to wimp out, but my sister will probably be handling the hard core stuff such as trying to get POA. I do have to live next door to my mother. LOL

But, I actually -can- sign checks because I'm on mom's checking account. I'm just reluctant to take that step. It's easy to get your cable or phone turned back on with a simple phone call 24/7. It's not so easy to get such things as water and power turned back on. Maybe if she were to get her power turned off, the hassle of that might make her give in.

Right now I am just too stressed out to try and deal with my own mother angry with me. My whole life is messed up... laid off from work, DH working shorter weeks, grandson living with me, teenaged DD with bipolar, son with little work, and trying to pay my own bills. Sheesh!

Since you're on mother's checking account....why not discuss with sister, setting up utility bills to be paid via either automatic deduction or going to the utility's web site to make as manual payment. All this can be set up on line, and you can put your or your sister's email address for the utility to contact you when they have paid a bill.

That is where we are now... trying to decide if we have the right to take it upon ourselves without her permission. Yes, legally I can draw off her account. The time is drawing near where we can no longer sit back and watch her struggle. We've tried the baby steps approach, guess we're going to have to jump in with both feet.

I'm scared.

A couple of more thoughts.

Even though, without your mother's permission, her dr. cannot discuss her health with YOU, he CAN listen to you--your description of symptoms, your concerns. So don't hesitate to call him and let him know what you're seeing, so he has a head's up.

Also, my husband is a utility company bill collector. I don't know what your mom's financial situation is, but there is a lot of help out there for seniors and others who need it paying their bills. Sometimes, you can even have a considerable amount in the bank, you just have to have a low income to qualify. My husband always has the contact info with him, sometimes he even has the applications for help. It wouldn't hurt to call your local utility company to see if you can get her some financial assistance. I know that's not the question you asked at all, but if at least part of the bill is being paid by a 3rd party, it would help keep her from getting so far behind she's in danger of being turned off.

What happens when something gets turned off? Does your mom handle it? or--like mine used to do--does she call you and say (more or less) you handle it? If she's turning stuff like that over to you or your sister, when it reaches critical point, perhaps then, you could get her to okay the company putting you down as an alternate contact? More and more companies are understanding that our seniors are striving to be independent, but not always successful at it, and are willing to send duplicate bills to someone who is looking out for them.

Best of luck to you. You will get this sorted out, and will get past it, but it feels really oppressive when you're caught in the midst of it, doesn't it?

(((Moonie)))

Your patience is being squeezed from so many directions.
I feel for you; sending hugs your way.

For your mom, one diagnosis tool is an MRI.

Well, now that everyone has diagnosed the problem...
people often struggle to deal with everyday matters when they're under stress, or when they're grieving, or when they're depressed.

Advanced age doesn't mean you need to pounce on a diagnosis of Alzheimers;
very elderly people have at least the same amount of stress & worry that other people have.

Before you start working on a power of attorney, you need to know if your mother needs a caretaker.

You think she's mad at you now, if she needs medical care rather than a daughter taking over her world...

I wish you, & more particularly *her*, the best.

syliva - you make an excellent point. There is a range of so many things that could be causing her problems besides dementia. With her fibromyalgia my sister and I have discussed between us "brain fog" that is also associated with it. And pammy's mother had a brain tumor. And of course there are vitamin deficiencies and chemical imbalances. So on that end, until she would agree to go to the Dr.'s, all we can do is worry and wonder.

azzalea - she would not qualify for any financial help, nor does she need it if she will get caught up before getting too far behind. Thanks for the suggestion though! And yes, when something gets turned off I'm the one to take care of it. Usually it's a simple phone call with her checkbook in my hand. On several of her accounts, I am authorized for them to talk to me. And now, my sister is too. However, when we mention a bill needing to be paid she will usually say she just paid it or that's she's too tired to worry about it right then, or whatever excuse she can come up with for me not to bother her. I just never push.

Be very, very careful about being on her bank accounts. My attorney advised strongly against that, and instead had us put POAs in place. And, btw, putting a POA in place is not difficult at all, unless, of course, the person doesn't want you to have that designation. But since your mother already agreed to having you on her bank account perhaps it won't be an issue.

If you are on her bank accounts, those are seen as assets available to you. If something happens (a car accident, or something like that) and someone decides to sue you, your mother's bank accounts are open to that lawsuit because your name is on them. My siblings and I got off her bank accounts fast when we heard that and, instead, are listed as powers of attorney. That does give us the ability to write checks in her name.

Suzieque

The first thing I'd do is have her thyroid checked. Even if the tests are normal, you might be able to find a doctor who will put her on a low dose of thyroid hormone to see if that helps.

From the link I would recommend a trial of Armour Thyroid in most people with unexplained chronic confusion to see if it helps. If risk factors for heart disease are present, the doctor should start with a low dose and work up slowly. A recent study (see Thyroid Function and Alzheimer's) showed that even a low normal thyroid hormone (TSH over 2.1 vs. a TSH of 1-2�anything under 5.4 is consider "normal" by most doctors�even if it can kill you) in women was associated with more than a doubled risk of developing dementia!

The doctor that wrote this also recommends testing for several other medical problems as well.

Good luck!

Here is a link that might be useful: Is it really Alzheimers and Dementia?