I, too, was in your situation. I finally had to give up the cleaning and just try to maintain order. What grainlady and graywings say is true - resistance, eyesight, orneriness, etc., life-long habits, are all part of it. My mother finally told me that when I was there cleaning, I wasn't WITH her, and that's what she really wanted. It is not important to her to have things dusted, vacuumed, "cleaned" as we do it for most of our lives. Besides - how dirty can one person make it? Under all Mom's clutter, the house itself was fairly clean from the last time I had done it, at least six months before she got sick and had to move - which I had to do for her by myself! My mom was a packrat junkaholic all my life, and she still is. While she still lived at home I tried to spend less than an hour "cleaning" her place. I concentrated on getting rid of clutter, newspapers and junk mail, keeping the kitchen and bathroom tidy, but rarely washing the floors, dusting or vacuuming. To heck with it! I paid her bills and did her laundry at my house and did her grocery shopping on my way to her house, which was 45 miles from mine. It's very difficult to run two households to a high standard all by yourself. If her standards changed, let them. If they haven't changed and she's miserable in the mess, it's time to move to assisted living. Try to accept what you cannot change and enjoy each other's company. When it comes time to sell the house or move from the apartment, then clean it. But skip wall-washing. It's absolutely unimportant! Sherry

I completely understand your jealousy with bm now being involved and the kids acting like bm was never gone. My skids bm has been in and out of their lives for years and each time she called or saw them they acted like she was so wonderful and was mom of the year. Nevermind that it would be months till the next call....or that her boyfriend would be drunk the whole time the kids were there...or that bm would just sit them in front of the tv all day and the kids heard "noises" coming from bm's room during the day when the door was closed (afternoon quickie perhaps??). Anyways it would upset me so much down deep to hear them say anything good about her because all I could think about was the bad!! And how much time and energy I was putting forth to do the motherly things she did not do. It just about killed me for her to get any credit! There is no easy was to deal with those feelings. You just have to let them go somehow. Realize that the kids love you both. And she gets it easier because she is the bm....she has their unconditional love. And they will put the absent parent on a pedestal and hang on every good thing that parent does. But when they are grown they will have so many more memories with you and remember all the things you did for them. When they have their own kids they will remember talks you had with them and things you did. As for her babying them, well you can't change it. Just keep on with your normal routines at home and they will soon see that they can do XYZ at their moms house and they have to do XYZ when they are at home. But look at the bright side. They are getting to see their sober mom and have a relationship with her, which is better for them in the long run that having her absent and them blaming themselves for it. And if she spends the whole day playing with them be greatful....she could be spending the whole day sleeping and letting them do god knows what! OR she could be having boyfriends over all day.

I don't doubt that you've made the very best decision possible, you've described this guy before. I'm sure you've passed along your wisdom and he's ready to act whenever necessary but won't have to for a long time. My experience was a bit different. When it was time for us to revise (somewhat belatedly) our docs for our kids all having reached adulthood (responsible parties were outside the family until that time), I put it to them to decide the order they should appear - first this one then that one, et cetera. The oldest was 30 years of age and the others were all twenty-somethings. My kids are all smart, all with advanced degrees (and doctorates among them). One of them is and remains more worldly, more experienced with business and financial matters. That one would have been my first choice but we said nothing. Among themselves, that's who they chose. Experience and worldliness is important, sometimes smarts isn't enough. You've a bright kid, it's comforting to know he's got the brains to look after himself well.

Gray, thank you, that's the house. The property record is for Jolly Jims next door. I used to have a picture but lost it on the old pc and didn't even think of getting another one. Maybe the owner knows who owns the land. Danville used to be a busy place with Dan River Mill where some family members worked and I have the Button's Doll that my mom got somehow. Oh yeah, her twin sister's husband had a tobacco farm and we'd go there and play all the time. Salonva, do you ever feel like a piece of you is missing because you didn't know your grandparents? Carolb, my mom's oldest sister helped the twins when they graduated high school, and I think she paid mom's college tuition. Mom entered a radio contest to win a free wedding, dress, honeymoon to VA Beach, reception, the works. She won! I have their wedding pictures and it was a big reception. That's how I got her Franciscan dinnerware...apple design, it was one of her many gifts. You know she played the orphan card. lol