My Daughter The Bully

13 years ago

My daughter Roxanne has always been shy. I was surprised in Kindergarten when the teacher called and said I needed to have a conference about my daughter's behavior. I was mistified, but went to the school. It was me, Roxanne, the teacher and the principal, a lovely woman. It seems Roxanne had hit two kids. We asked her about it and she said "Yes, I hit them. I hit Nicole because she was sitting in my way and wouldn't move. I hit James because he stole my hat and wouldn't give it back." I explained that if someone doesn't move, you don't hit them. You walk around them or call the teacher over. And as for James, well, he was her babysitter's son. They are the same age and had been raised together almost like brother and sister. Their birthdays are just days apart. Again, I said it wrong ever to hit anyone. She promised she wouldn't do it again. And she kept her promise. But I was worried my child was The Class Bully! I hope Fireman's Wife reads this. I'd like to know what happened with her kid.

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Comments (9)

socks
13 years ago
I can imagine how this worries you, but it seems you have a caring teacher and principal who will help her (and you!) through this. Maybe because she is shy, it's easier to hit than say excuse me. And of course the little boy--well, it's pretty easy to hit a brother. Help her to use words in difficult situations.
jannie
Original Author
13 years ago
I don't need advice now. This all happened a long time ago. Roxanne is now 22 and no longer hits anybody. It just occurred to me because I've been thinking about school bullies.
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Stephanie, I understand your confusion, and agree that it is not a true bully / victim situation. However, I really think that what my son did was over the line, and wanted to be sure he realized it, too. If they were playing out in the yard, I would have handled it differently, but there are different rules for the yard than for school, and he is old enough to save any roughhousing for after school. I don't know what, if any, punishment the other boy received, and truthfully, I'm not even sure it matters. Ds has never complained about "MJ", so what reason would the school have for punishing him? When the asst principal first talked to ds, ds only said that they were playing around - didn't mention the pencil-poking until later when he talked to dh. What I wanted ds to get out of this, is reinforcement of something he learned years ago with my niece. My boys and their friends all play rough with each other, and know not to expect any sympathy from me if they get bruised while wrestling or playing dodge ball. But when my niece would come over, ds would play with her the same as he plays with his friends, she would screech, and he would get in trouble (because she had made it clear that she was not interested in their games). Pretty soon she would screech whenever he came anywhere near her - I think just for the fun of getting him in trouble. So I told him, I know that she is overreacting, but I can't defend you if you have so much as touched her. So just stay clear of her, and then you'll never be in trouble. I know it isn't exactly fair that he has to walk on eggshells around her, but in life he'll find there are always a few people who don't play by the same rules he does, and I wanted him to be able to differentiate between who is "safe" and who is not. To me this is nearly the same situation - the school makes it clear that students are not to touch each other, but he did it anyway and paid the price. Yes, the other kid seems to have changed the rules between himself and ds midstream, which is unfortunate, but still, I really don't feel that I can defend ds' behavior here - he has to be responsible for what he does regardless of what anyone else did. Probably will not call "MJ"'s mom, though - your comments made me realize that there is really nothing I can say to improve what will be an uncomfortable situation. "MJ"'s mom will eventually see ds out playing with his friends enough to realize he is not a big bad bully :)
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My 9 yr old son started a new school this year and had an issue with some bullies. One child would say mean things to him, throw rocks at him, stole his hat off his head and threw it in a tree, and would chase him home from school. (We live 2 blocks from the school so there is no bus service) At first I told my son to ignore the bully. It did not help. I started walking with him but my son expressed that he liked to walk with his other friends, not his mom. After quite a few phonecalls from me to the principal she sat the two boys down seperately and discussed it. Now my son and the boy are friends and my son called it a "misunderstanding"! Another bully was being mean to my son when we were at a local park. I watched the bully push him at least 4 times and then I called my son over and asked him what was going on. He told me that the boy just kept pushing him and he was walking away to avoid a fight. I told him that I thought he had handled it right, but if the boy continued to push him he had my permission to push the boy back next time. So a little while later the boy again came up to and pushed my son. My son pushed him back and told him he better keep his hands off him. The kid got up and his friend came over to my son and asked him if he thought he was tough. My son said I am just not going to let someone keep pushing me! Both kids left him alone. I think that ignoring bullies is a good tactic. But if it does not work then I think you have to stand up for yourself, whether it be by telling them to leave you alone or by pushing/hitting back. As a child I dealt with bullies and always walked away. Finally I had enough and hit back and that was the end of them bothering me. Bullies tend to look for those sweet kids who are passive and will allow themselves to be bullied.
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I deleted some stuff that doesn't apply to your situation. ............................................................ A couple in my church adopted a little boy whose parents' rights had been severed because of sexual abuse. The first year of life with Daniel was traumatic for all three: Daniel's kindergarten called the new mom to come pick him up because he was approaching children and adults sexually. Daniel went to a few birthday parties & was quickly blacklisted because of his sexual overtures to guests & parents. Daniel & his new parents went to intensive counselling, & the new mom quit her job to take care of Daniel... not only did he need full-time mothering, but he kept getting thrown out of day care. The parents learned that children who have been abused sexually almost always approach others sexually; it's what the children have learned to do for attention, approval, companionship...love, or a cheap facimile thereof. Yet their abusers have also shamed them into keeping the big secret; Daniel never said one word about previous sexual "activity". Based on what you *know* of sexual activity at her mother's house, I'd bet that this young girl has seen, *& been involved in*, a lot more than you know. She'll keep approaching people, girls, boys, grown men, whoever, sexually because *that's what she knows how to do*. ............................................................ Please get some help for this little girl, & keep her safe. If you 'give her back' to someone who's led her a chaotic existence & allowed her to be sexually abused, I think the day will come when you will find it impossible to forgive yourself. I wish you the best.
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socks
13 years ago
Ohhhhhh! Sorry I misunderstood. I bet she is a lovely young woman!

I just sympathized because I had a similar experience with one child misbehaving in kindergarten, and it worried me because I was afraid it was a sign of things to come. He's a wonderful man now and never misbehaves!!
jannie
Original Author
13 years ago
No problem, Socks. I was very upset at the school meeting because the principal said I might have to take Roxanne out of school if she continued hitting. Thank goodness, everything worked out.
cynic
13 years ago
Not knowing what constitutes the "hit", could have been a push or something relatively non-violent but in any case it sounds like you did an outstanding job of parenting Jannie, before, during and after the incident. Any kid can lash out in desperation when frightened or threatened. She was frustrated and being shy and introverted there was probably some workings on improvement and assertion, which in itself is good, just came out wrong. Sounds like the school deserves a commendation too for working with you and giving you a chance, you took the reins and dealt with it and she learned from the experience. By learning better ways to deal with assertion she's apparently grown up benefiting from the situation.

Kudos to all of you.

And FWIW, the one who stole the hat, well... to a point had it coming! :D And I'll bet he learned a lesson too!
socks
13 years ago
"the principal said I might have to take Roxanne out of school if she continued hitting"

I don't blame you for being upset. Must have been the first time they ever had an issue with a child's behavior (sarcasm intended).
susanjf_gw
13 years ago
the thing is, you probably took time and reinforced behavior and now she's a wonderful 22 yo, and someday a caring parent of her own child?
joyfulguy
13 years ago
I'll bet that you were surprised!

Parenting ...

... is an ongoing exercise.

ole joyful
hale_bopp
13 years ago
I can relate! My kids have always been soft spoken, gentle and sweet. And then I got a note from my DS's pre-k teacher that Luca had bit a child. Twice.

I. Was. Astounded. WHAT!? The school has a VERY serious no-bite policy and the second time it happens, the child is dismissed. DS was so apologetic, so upset at what he had done, so distraught. We met with the school director (with DS) talked about it all, what the repercussions were, etc. I called the other child's family, we wrote a handmade card, had Luca sign it and draw a picture...

It turned out that the boys were playing "doggies" and were biting each other. And while biting is NOT allowed, and DS bit too hard, (no mark was ever left) it was a GAME. ARGH. We all learned a good lesson that week, LOL!

Blessings,
Haley (whose kids are still gentle and sweet, haha!)

My Daughter The Bully

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socks

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My Daughter The Bully

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socks

jannieOriginal Author

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