My Mom passed away at 88, April 2005. Dad was 92 when he died in June 2002. I took care of my Dad for the last 6 months of his life, I am now a retired RN. He was mistreated by a paid caregiver and then a nursing home. This led to his death. Unfortunately the months at the end left an indelible mark on me and my view of him. I have worked very hard since that time to remember him as he was.

My Mom lived with us after that until she passed. I believe it makes a difference when the person is in the house with you.

When I smell a certain perfume or hear a certain phrase....smell a cigar...you know...those little references we all have then I remember them as they were in their 60's when they had everything going for them.

Thank you for posting this query. It has moved me greatly. c

Interesting question. My Dad died at 61, and since he had terminal cancer, he'd wasted away from the robust, thick head of hair man to a tiny, bald man. But I still see my dad as a man of what 60 would be. He always seemed older than his age, even when he was younger, because of his carriage.

My mom is 71, I see her in her early 60's, but I now see her aging, and not well. I attribute that to her lifestyle choices more than her age. Her mother is 92 and to me was always in her mid 60's. I just turned 50, and I can't attribute my parents to that age...it just seems too young!

I lost my parents at 77 and 78. I never think of them in their later years. I always remember them about 10 years prior to their ages, when they would greet me with open arms, and we would visit together on the front porch. That's how they are in my dreams too. Thanks for the post.

Pal, how terrible about your mother. I know stuff like that happens all the time.

I remember my mother best when I had just gotten married. We became friends then for the first time and finally, really enjoyed each others company. She was so happy for me and excited to help me decorate a house.

Several short years passed and she got a terrible disease ( supranuclear palsy) and died 3 painful years later. My brothers and I took care of her and she died at home at 65.

11 years ago, my dad, who is 76 this month, moved into the home we were building for him and mom but she didn't make it here or ever see it although she fully planned her area and picked out cabinets, flooring and such and approved the floor plans for the walkout basement level. She bought new bed coverings.

The house was finished (occupancy ready) 1 week before she passed.
He came home with me after the funereal.

I think of him in different ways: my Daddy who was always there and so kind and loving and always fun; and now, with dementia and still always kind and loving, but a different man from the father I knew growing up. But I'm the one in charge now.

The whole idea of becoming a child as we age is so true with Dad now.

My Dad is soon to be 84 and still goes to work everyday, rain or shine, cutting pulpwood, no less. So I tend to see him as about 60 or less. My Mom, also 84, perhaps I see her a little older than 60.

I remember being horrified when my sister bought my parents a print of a pencil drawing showing an elderly couple walking together. When I looked at the hunchbacked woman with the thick ankles and the man in the lumpy outfit and fly away hair, I couldn't believe my parents weren't really insulted.

Because I was sure they would Never look like that. At the time my mother wore three inch heels, had perfect posture; my dad was pretty vigorous and they were both inveterate clothes horses. As it turned out, I've known them longer resembling that drawing than any other way. However, my mind's eye presents a much younger picture.

The clothes horse part never left my mother though, we had to put the matching shoes at the bottom of the chair we pushed her around in "just in case" she wanted to put them on.

My mom is only 60 but I vividly remember saying that I was 31 (her age at the time) when I played "grown-up" as a child. At this point, that is how I still see her. I'm sure this will change over the coming decades, but that is where it is today.

Same for my dad. I don't see him often, but when I do he always looks so old - because my memories of him are from his 30's.

My mom is still alive; my dad died almost four year ago, not long before my husband died.

When I talk with mom on the phone, I "see" her at about age 52, although she's 76 and still looks good, although more "feeble." She doesn't look a lot different, as her hair is about the same and her face hasn't aged much.

When I think of Daddy, I picture him when I spent the most time with him, when I was in college and I worked for him part time. He was in his early 40s, so that's how I see Daddy when I think of him.

My husband had started to grow a beard when he retired seven years ago, and his hair was longer and grey. I never got used to it.

So when I think of my husband, I "see" him when we were first married, or about ten or twelve years ago, before he went grey and grew the beard. People used to say he looked like Gregory Peck or James Drury (the Virginian)--black hair, dark eyes, tall, tan, handsome.

When I dream about any of my loved ones, they are always healthy and look better than when they died.

When I think of my mother, she is about 29 with a French twist, dressed in black sheath dress, wearing brown alligator high heels, smelling of Estee lauder's Youth Dew. I thought she was the prettiest lady alive. No wonder Steve McQueen hit on her (from the celebrity sighting thread)!

I think of my dad at about 35 in his swim trunks digging for quahogs on summer vacation or rowing us across Buzzards Bay. He seemed so strong.

As always from Pal, an interesting question.

My Mum is 80 but I think of her as 60. She's had this beautiful, curly white haired for so long that's the only way I think of her. She is still very active & healthy so I just don't think of her as being as old as her birth certificate claims.

My Dad passed away 8 years ago. He looked the same for the last 20 years of his life. I guess because he looked the same for so long I can't even assign an age to him. It was just him. White hair, which he tended to grow too long, and a white beard. Kinda Santa Claus-y. Two timeless, ageless guys.

I never really thought about it until now - that both my parents where gray/white since their 50s. Yikes!

my parents are/were your parents' ages... my mom passed away 4 yrs ago at 81 and dad will be 87 later this year. unfortunately, he has some dementia, so he is nothing like he 'was'... but, he looks great and much like he has in last 15-20 yrs or so.
so, i think 5-10 yrs ago, i would have said i think of my parents as i did 20 yrs before that. they didn't seem to age until a couple of yrs before my mom's death.

what i find is i don't see myself as being in the 'aging' group!!! i always tend to think that my peers are older than me.... it's weird to be in this age group!

Recently it's been somewhat odd to think back on what ages my parents were when certain things happened in our family. I remember, when I was a child, the one time my father went ice skating just to try to see what I was so excited about, he broke his wrist in the last 30 seconds of the session, when he dared to take his hand off the rail and skate unassisted. I remember thinking "that would happen only to an 'old' person, never to me."

I realize now that he was just the age I am now when it happened! So of course now I wonder if I appear that same generic 'old' to my DD.

(and pal, your story about your mom made me feel punched in the gut, just reading it. I can only imagine what you felt...)

Pal & Trailrunner, the stories about your parents is heart breaking and unforgivable. My first job 34 years ago was as a nursing assistant in a home for the elderly and I actually enjoyed it a lot. I know abuse happens and often, especially to those who can't speak or defend themselves, I was just fortunate enough to work in a hospital that didn't have that problem (that I knew of anyways). As it turned out, years later we discovered that I had been the care taker for my step fathers dad, who needed care due to Alzheimer's disease.

It's ironic that you posted this today. 34 years ago today my father fell from a ladder at work. He died a few days later on the 11th from the trauma to his brain, he was 47. I was only 18 at the time and that's around the age I see him at in my mind.

My mother, is 79 now and since I only see her once every couple of years, the changes her body is experiencing are very noticeable. Her hands have rheumatoid arthritis and she's always had a severe case of scoliosis which has gotten progressively worse. In my minds eye, she's in her forties as well but even at 79 she still has this sparkle in her pretty midnight blue eyes and a comforting smile that haven't changed a bit.

I rarely post here, but wanted to add to this one. My mother passed away at age 70 and had stopped coloring her hair about 3 years before, so she had grey/white hair. Except for the last 3 years, she had red hair, so that is how I alway visualize her when I think of her. Although her health was bad, she was aging well looks wise, with very few wrinkles. I'd say I picture her in her mid 40's as she tended to look that age for about 15 years. Dad is 78, but most of my memories also put him in his forties.

I never visualized them at any age other than what they were. Visits home were mostly on an annual basis. Changes became more dramatic for each near the end of their lives.

My mom lived independently until a stroke took that away at 91. I remember how she looked in the nursing home, but that's not who she really was. My dad died at a young 67. The last few years of his life were a struggle.

My mom is 91 but I think of her as about seventy three. She is in reasonable good health except that she is diabetic and on insulin. She always keeps her hair done beautifully (thanks to yours truly) and loves designer clothes and torquoise jewelry. Isn't that sweet? She has a beautiful southern accent and is loved by all.

My dad died in 98' at the age of 85 with a heart attack. They were married sixty years and mother was always a little jealous, which pleased dad.

When my mother got really sick, the hardest thing for me was seeing her have flat, straight hair. For forty years she had a weekly hair appointment and it always looked good.

No, really! Some weekly set and do's are horrible but hers was golden and fluffed and smooth in an up-to-date old lady way. She went to an upscale salon and seeing it flat and gray was horrible.

BB, I felt the same way for my mom. Up until the stroke she still visited "Nanette" every week and had her red 'do maintained. After her death Nanette graciously went to the funeral home to color and style mom's hair. It was a request my mom had made ahead of time and I'm so glad she did.

I don't want to downplay the accident that she had in the nursing home, but I saw her the day it happened and she was already shrugging it off. She was a very resilient person and took it in stride. Compared to what she had been going through the last two years of her life it was a small episode--she went through the trials of Job the last couple of years, and dealt with all of it with a great deal of aplomb.

Natal, mom's stylist did her hair for the funereal too.
This thread is making me sad.

I see my parents in the age they are, early 50s. The thought of them eventually turning 60+ though...
I love my family so very much I always want my grandparents and parents to be around.

Great thread!

I am thankful that I still have both of my parents, and the are for the most part, in decent health. Yes, DF has suffered some cardiac problems as he has aged which have slowed a man who lived to coach softball. First with co-workers and until the most recent problem, a senior softball league. He now goes occasionally to watch, but despite the cardiologist leaving it up to him as to whether to participate, he has chosen not to play. He has his routine that starts at 4 a.m. Works out at home each morning after he has breakfast and reads his newspaper. Very good from a mental standpoint, loves to talk current events, history, politics, etc. He also opens and closes the pool each summer and tends a rather significant amount of tomato plants. DF still does his own lawn and home maintenance as he always has.

My DM is in seemingly very good health for her age. With the exception of problematic arthritis and sciatica which have caused her to lessen her spring/fall "housecleaning" regimen. I always thought that whole exercise to be nuts, personally, but that's how things were done in her family for generations. A total tear apart every room twice a year for a "deep" cleaning. While she still attempts to do it, I usually will set aside a couple of days each spring and fall to give her a hand with things that she cannot physically do. lol DM still gets together with her high school girlfriends once a month either for lunch or dinner. When I compare her to her friends, only one other of her friends is in as good of shape as DM. The others aren't concerned with keeping themselves up to date with regard to their attire or hair. My DM would die before she would put on a pair of elastic wasted polyester pants. No offense to anyone here who may enjoy those. DM just doesn't. She hasn't ever been one to drive on major highways, so the fact that she continues not to do so, is nothing new. I make a point of getting her out for clothes and holiday shopping when I am able to tolerate a trip to the mall. DM and I go to the same hair salon. I am sure her highlights and reverse color hide the small amount of grey that she has. Together with keeping up with current short hair styles she looks much younger than her actual age.

DM dresses everyday, Pal your mentioning your mom and her shoes - just in case, definitely made me smile.

My parents keep a theatre package, attending 6 or so shows per season. Go out for dinner at least once a week. Also, they cook and eat well. They love to take advantage of the senior bus trips available to them in our area. One thing that I've noticed is that my DF seems more hesitant about long distance driving, thus enjoying the bus trips.

It is hard for me to pinpoint an age at which I see them. Perhaps it is because I see them so often, at least twice a week. I pop in to take a new dish I've tried or drop off some fresh produce from the farmstand. Really, I don't need much of a reason to visit, I just enjoy doing so, and it allows me to keep an eye on them.

Have to say that I have enjoyed reading everyone's stories about their parents. Also, this particular thread has accentuated my good fortune in still having my parents as they are in their early 80's.

So, if I had to put an age that I visualize them, I guess I would have to put it at between 55-60. Funny because I am now 50!

I see my father as 52 - the age he was when he walked me down the aisle - so handsome in his tux, in the prime of his life.

I see my mother as around 38 -getting out of her car coming home from work, wearing her heels and hose and sheath dress. She loved shoes so much.

The reality is my father is now 91 - painfully thin, struggling to care for my mother, in the throngs of Alzheimer's. She still, though wears her jewelry every day and asks me every time I visit, "Where did you get those shoes? I'd like to have a pair like that."

What a perceptive, sensitive thread, pal.

Dee